There May Still Be Hope For Humans Yet

I know I wasn't going to write again until after I get back from BC but I just had an experience that I wanted to share. I headed to Walmart after work to pick up a few things and check out the Christmas stuff. While walking down a toy aisle I came across a mom and her two children. The older of the two girls loudly said "That girl is really fat." My heart fell and even though she was young and I know they don't really understand social conventions of not saying things like that it still stings. The good thing though is unlike most of the time when I hear things like this her mom had her apologize to me and explained that saying things like that hurt people feelings. Her mom was not tiny but I suppose that is probably why she said something. It did make me feel a bit better though that at least some children are being taught the right lessons. It wasn't done yet. While I was chatting with an old friend at the front of the store they came back and gave me some flowers and once again said they were sorry. I of course said it was ok and that there was no need for the flowers but it really was a sweet gesture.

I can't lie and say that it didn't change my mood. I long for the day when I'm like everyone else, when I can go to a store and not be noticed. Moments like this make it hard to see how far I have already come. I know I'm on the right path but it still seems like I have so far to go. There are times when I think maybe I should just take the easy way out and go have surgery done to be done with this journey sooner. I know deep down though I have to do it the hard way. It is the journey and days like today that will help me keep the weight off once I have lost it. The funny thing is that although I want to go unnoticed when I have lost my weight I also know it will never happen because I am determined to be out there so people know it is possible and that it can be done. For now I just have to keep on plugging away and using incidents like this to motivate me to change rather than to let them pull me down and back into my old habits.

What a Week

Since I last wrote I have been keeping myself pretty busy. I bought a brand new laptop that I'm still getting used to. They keyboard is more spaced out than my last laptop so it's almost like learning to type all over again. Work has been full of it's usual drama. And this weekend I spent time with my nan and went to Stage West. So because I have lots of thoughts going on in my head this entry will be a bit of a hodge podge of stuff. I don't have a clear goal tonight but felt like writing so here I am.

I think I'll start with Stage West. Today was the first show of our season tickets and I was blown away. We saw Tuesdays with Morrie which is based on a book that I think I need to read now. Anyway it was starring Jamie Farr, the actor that played Clinger on MASH so I was excited. I have been a huge MASH fan for as long as I can remember. I remember standing in the hallway by the bathroom looking down the hall when I was supposed to be in bed watching my parents watching it when I was young. Alan Alda was one of my first crushes (yes I know I really always have liked older men..hehehe). Anyway when Jamie first came on stage and smiled you wouldn't even know that he is like 30 years older. I mean sure he looks it but at the same time he didn't. I don't know how to explain it. Anyway the play was phenomenal. I don't normally cry in live theatre but I did in this one. It wasn't all out sobbing but the tears were running down my cheeks. I think it is the best play I have seen in a while. It made me think about the people in my life that have touched me, especially the teachers I have loved. It also made me think about death and mortality. It was a thought provoking play, not the usual Stage West play but it was so worth it. The only thing that is a bit disappointing is that today was closing day. If our season tickets were earlier in the season I'm pretty sure i would have gone to see the play again.

Yesterday was equally as good. I took dinner over to my Nan's house and spent the afternoon and evening with her looking through old photos and scanning pictures. We also spent a lot of time just talking. I love listening to her stories. At 91 she has lived a lot of life and has a lot of stories to tell. As she looks at the pictures you can see the memories come back and the stories come out. I could listen to her talk for hours. We also got talking about history and I realized just how much she has seen in 91 years. A lot of the historical events that I have studied she has lived through. It is amazing to think how many changes she has seen and how many things she has lived through. I mean I think about some of what she saw in her first 30 years, things like the great depression, WWII and moving to Canada as a war bride. Compared to what I have seen and done in my 30 years it feels like I haven't done anything. It made me wonder what it would be like if I lived to be 90. If I had a grandchild what would they think about what I have done and seen. I don't think that my generation if we live that long will have near as many distinguishing features. Of course in talking with Nan it's not like she thought that things would be this different as she was growing up either. It's funny how time can look to different people at different points in life.

Throughout my busy weekend I have also spent a great deal of my time at home just relaxing and reading a new book. It's written by Ryan Buell about Paranormal State and his journey. The show is one i have been watching since I got cable and I love it. I bought the book on Friday and haven't put it down. I have been reading all weekend. The subject of the book aside (something I could probably talk about in a blog entry all on its own) I think that I needed a weekend like this. It has been a long time since I did any major reading. I have always loved to read and I guess I just let myself get so busy sometimes I don't do the things I love.

All and all it was a great weekend, one of the best I have had in a long time. Sadly though as tonight came the dread of work has come back. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I struggled last week with decisions that are being made by management. Ultimately it doesn't matter what I think and I shouldn't care but it is hard to walk away sometimes. The good news is that this week is a short week for me. I'm heading off to visit my parents for a long weekend in hopes of catching the salmon run. I'm hoping that the time off will help me get my head on straight and put me in the right frame of mind for job searching and for being able to deal with everything at work until something else pans out.

Anyway I likely won't write next weekend but anyone who is reading this please remember to take a few moments this week to remember the past on Remembrance Day. We owe a lot to the people that fight wars for us, even if we don't necessarily believe that all wars should be fought. Especially take the time to remember those people who fought in the two world wars because as they all get older there are fewer of them around to remind us of what once was. I strongly believe it is extremely important to remember who they were and what they fought for in hopes that maybe one day we will learn from them and be able to find a way to live in peace.

The Search Begins

Well it has taken me a long time to make the decision but I have finally decided it is time to move on from my current job. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about it and trying to convince myself that it is not that bad and that I should stick it out. Finally this week I just woke up and realized it is time to move on. I have come to realize that although there are a lot of really good things with my job and benefits that I definitely appreciate, the overall job is toxic to me. I have never dealt well with drama and my job is full of it. Every day I go to work and it is like I'm being thrown back into high school. The whole floor spins with gossip and negativity and the sense of teamwork that once existed has long since disappeared. I'm sure things could change and come around but in the four years I've been there the good times are very much over powered by the bad. For every month of great atmosphere it seems to follow with four months of chaos and negativity.

It is weird for me because when I left Walmart it was a much more clear decision. I knew it was what I had to do and I knew that I was moving on to something better. I don't have that same sense right now with leaving screening programs. In my heart though I do know that although I may lose some of the benefits like my wage and my vacation time that I value, I have such potential to find something that will satisfy me on a mental level. I'm ready for a job that not only helps people but that will help me get closer to my goal of helping other people that are struggling with weight loss. I'm ready to leave behind paranoia and politics and find something that lets me make a difference one on one with people. A job where I don't have to pretend to be somebody and can actually let myself shine.

I do think that although I have made the decision I have enough will power in me to stick it out until the right job comes along to move in to. I do not want to just hop to another job for the sake of getting out but I want to move to a job that will help me move further in my life and goals. I know that in being so open about leaving it may cause me some issues but the people that matter have been told and are really supportive of helping me along the way.

The challenge now is being able to stay positive and on track with my weight loss in spite of the increased stress. Last week the stress finally snuck in on my weight loss or lack of. I put on 7 pounds (which really was a combination of a few things but a whole lot had to do with stress eating). I worked hard this week and lost 4.2 pounds of that 7 but it is still a set back. I have started working out as soon as I get home from work to try and help alleviate some of the negativity I bring home. It does seem to make a difference when it comes to my dinner. I just keep reminding myself that every day I have the ability to make the right choices and move further with my weight loss or I have the ability to let drama and stress help me sabotage myself. So I'm back to focusing on one day at a time and trying to be as positive as possible. The good news is I do feel better knowing that I'm actively looking to change my job and looking to better my life. I feel as though there is now a light at the end of the tunnel.

I think one of the biggest things I have learned so far in my weight loss journey is the ability to actually sit down and recognize what is going on. I can pinpoint my stress and other emotions, the things that I never used to deal with but would cause me to eat. Sure I still have moments where I chose eating over dealing but at least now I can say that I deal more than I eat when it comes to my emotions now. I share this struggle with all of you in hopes you will also discover ways to deal with the things that effect you. Be open to possibilities and know that there are always choices to be made. Those choices are all your own and you will always see the results of the choices whether they are positive or negative. We have the power to make our lives what we want them to be.

Ten Weeks to the New Year

As scary as it sounds it is now a little less then 10 weeks to 2011, and with that I have started on a 10 week challenge to end this year on a positive note and to start the new year off with a bang. I can't take credit for the idea, it came from a weight watchers meeting but I figure it's a great way to end the year and it also goes nicely with the monthly challenges I have been giving myself the last couple of months.

So the way it works...first come up with a list of 10 things you want to do (I will share mine after this) for the next 10 weeks. The first week (this week) you do the first thing on the list. Then the second week you do the first and the second things. You continue this until you hit week 10, adding in a new step each week until you are doing all 10. This will leave you ready to celebrate your new year on a positive note. In my goal to become more and more positive I figure if I end the new year on a positive note it will set me up to have a positive and good 2011. (Or at least that's the hope anyway.)

Anyway here is my list (it is weight watchers based in case you are wondering where some of them come from):
1. Work out at 3 times per week
2. Track my points every day (including Saturday's which was my day off)
3. Eat my 5-7 servings of fruit and vegetables every day
4. Up working out to 4 times per week
5. Go for a short walk each work day lunch hour
6. Drink a minimum of 6 glasses of water each day
7. Journal write (not my blog but my actual journal) at least twice a week
8. Have 3 servings of milk/milk products per day
9. Create a weekly menu - that I will actually use and follow
10. Lastly up my working out to at least 5 times per week.

On their own none of these are truely hard but all ten are things that I often struggle with. I know that if I can master all 10 and continue it in 2011 I'll be at my goal weight before I know it. So there you have it, another plan to help keep me motivated and pushing towards my health goals.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

I just got back from spending the weekend down in Lethbridge and on the drive back I decided a good topic for this week’s blog was what I’m thankful for. I think we all tend to forget the things that matter the most and get hung up on the things we wish we had or that we think we are missing. I found that even this weekend when we are expected to think the things we are thankful for I was spending way too much time thinking about the things I wish I had so this is my correction to this and a reminder to myself of all the things that really matter in my life. Take a few minutes and take stock of the things that matter most in your life, everything else will seem a whole lot less important.

I’m thankful for
• My family – in spite of all the trouble we have getting along I really do have a great family
• My Nan – yes she is part of my family but at 91 she earns a special spot on the list
• My friends – although I don’t have a huge group of friends anymore I’m very grateful that I do have a handful of really great friends. (I’m especially grateful that they all put up with me sometimes disappearing on them once and a while)
• My kitties – I love them to pieces. The house would be pretty quiet and lonely without them.
• My job – even though it is not my dream job and half the time I would rather be anywhere else but there I am very glad to have a job

Those are the big things but I’m also thankful for my many little things like the fact my debt is going down, that I am slowly mastering the whole weight loss thing, that i’m not scared to try new things...even if it takes me a while to do it, my health and the fact that I rarely get sick, my plans for the future (even if they may not happen exactly the way I hope), the ability to keep falling for guys even though I keep swearing I won’t do it again – even if it rarely works out...LOL. I’m thankful for my ability to be empathetic and the fact that I still cry in all the sappy movies.

In the end I am thankful for everything that has been granted to me in this life. I will try hard to remember that although I don’t always get everything I hope and pray for, I have gotten everything that I need. Life is good.

New Motivation

Well it has been a busy month but I’m pleased to report I managed to complete my bet about not eating out for the month of September. It was actually way easier than I thought it would be. I haven’t done my total numbers in my budget yet to see how much it saved me but I know that it saved me money for sure. It also got me pre-planning meals and thinking ahead which has made grocery shopping way easier. I fully plan to continue the cooking on weekends and freezing food, even if I go back to letting myself eat out once and awhile again.

I also decided that since the first bet worked so well that I was going to try it again for October, with something that will be a bit more challenging. The new bet will not only save me money but it will also help me to get healthier and lose weight. I am giving up potato chips for one month. It will be tough but I know that I can totally do it. I survived my first shopping experience and just avoided the chip isle altogether. It felt pretty good to know that everything I bought was actual groceries rather than junk food.

The other thing that happened this month is I found a new source of motivation for getting healthier and losing weight. The best part is it even comes with its own built in reward. I have been planning to go back to Europe to do another tour and I found one with Leger (the company I used last time) that is a walking tour of the D-day beaches. It looks like you walk from the beach fronts back along the paths they would have taken the first few days after the D-day landings. Right now I know that I probably wouldn’t be able to manage the trip but if I go in spring 2012 that gives me about a year and a half to get in shape for it. I know that it would be a challenging vacation but I also know that I would love every minute of it. Since deciding this I have felt way more focused. I run the thought of the tour in my mind like a mantra and have even started writing it on the top of my grocery list to help me make the proper choices. I'm excited about this in the same way I was about my other tour. I can't wait to make it happen. I know that the only way it will happen however is if I do get healthier and in better shape because i refuse to be the person that can't keep up with the group. The only last hurdle after getting healthy will be that the trip is popular enough that it will still be running in 2012.

As Summer Comes to an End

As summer comes to an end I am actually feeling really good. September has always felt like a new start to me (probably because I spent 18 of my 31 years in school) and with September I always find myself refocused. This September is no different. I'm not sure if it is just because I got back from two weeks holidays or if it is the fact that September is here, but I'm motivated, excited and ready to take on the world again.

In order to take advantage of my new found focus I have remastered my plans for weight loss. I struggled some over the summer which is normal for me, but I will say I'm extremely happy with the last two weeks. While on vacation normally I would use the excuse of being on holidays to do a free for all on any food that comes into my path but not this time. I stopped tracking my food but I was mentally aware of what I was eating. I made sure to keep up with my activity and tried to balance out the drinking and the bad choices with twice as many good choices. In the end it all paid off and I only gained 1 pound while I was on holidays. I know it is still a gain but compared to past vacation this is a big win for me.

Anyway I digress and should get back to my new plan. I have tweaked my exercise routine to adjust to the fact that I don't have my roller skating pass anymore. I am still going to be skating at least once a week on Wednesdays, but I am also budgeting to go once every two weeks on a weekend, just to keep it up. For September when it comes to working out my goal is pretty simple - just to keep on moving. I have decided to move my work outs back to the evening right after I get home from work so I can sleep in. I have also worked in a mix of my DVDs as well as my treadmill and of course skating to keep everything fresh and fun. I'm hoping in shifting everything around it will help kick start my weight loss again for the fall.

Of course exercise is only part of the equation in losing weight. I have also tweaked my plans for food. I have made a bet with myself that I will not eat out anywhere for the entire month of September. I have found that over the summer I was getting increasingly lazy when it came to cooking and was more likely to grab something out (especially for lunches) then I was to make anything. So to combat that I have come up with a schedule where I will cook and freeze meals on the weekend. I'm taking the lazy factor out of the equation. I'm going to make it fool proof to eat really good food, quick and easy.

I love food and I'm tired of avoiding that fact. I can love food and still lose weight. It is way more satisfying to eat really good food in smaller portion than it is to eat OK food in large portions. We all have to eat so we might as well just chose the things that make us feel good about eating and still let us become healthy. It is my opinion that it is better to really enjoy your food than to eat something because you should or for any of the other reasons people eat. For me I have found that in letting myself enjoy things like the occasional dessert or some chips that I keep myself from going crazy and binging.

This September I invite you all to join me in giving up fast food and try to create meals that are substantial, healthy and really good. I had said at the beginning of the summer that I was going to start to including recipes and I will make an effort to share my recipes with you all this month, to help you find great food that comes from our own kitchens.

Highs and Lows; Ups and Downs

Well it is a long overdue entry and for that I apologize. The last 3 weeks have been crazy both for my weight loss and for my life.

My weight bounced up during Stampede (oops...damn Bon Jovi making me go to the grounds to tempt me) but has since come back down. It has been a bit of a struggle because with the summer heat my desire to work out has diminished. The saving grace though has been roller skating. I have been going pretty much three times a week since the start of July and have been loving it. I am getting better each time I go. My balance has come leaps and bounds since the first time I tried for my birthday. I also can do more laps with less break time. I fully plan to continue with skating. I am even planning on buying skates when I come back from my holidays. In terms of my weight for the next couple of weeks I'm just hoping to stay the same as I'm about to go on holidays. I figure because I will be visiting my family I should be ok in terms of food choices so as long as I can keep somewhat active I should be good to go and should have good news for you when I return.

In terms of life I have had some pretty busy weeks. I got to experience something I never thought possible and something that I will remember forever. I got to be up close and personal with a couple of bears.


These pictures were taken at a place called Discovery Wildlife Park. I love bears so I was so excited, although I will admit it is pretty scary to be that close to bears, even if you do know that they have been trained to act in movies and be around people. The whole day at the park was wonderful. You are much closer to the animals then you are at the zoo so it was a very neat place to go and play with my camera. This is definitely one of the highlights of my staycation summer.

Another fun part to the last couple weeks was a visit down to Lethbridge. I always love going down to visit and hang out, getting to spend time with old friends and of course my adopted niece...hehehe. It is hard to believe she turned two though. It seems like just yesterday that we found out Artemis was on her way. I think the best part about visiting right now is just seeing how a two year old explores the world. There is something fascinating about how they play, explore and live in the world. It makes for a fun weekend.

In spite of the good I have had my share of bad days in the last few weeks. Between the ever wonderful joys of work and teenage girls that are ignorant and rude there have been days where I have just wanted to toss my hands in the air and quit. The good news is though that I have great friends to vent to and to remind me of what really matters. But really I have become very good and shrugging the negative off and leaving it in the past where it belongs. Not always an easy task but I recommended everyone learns how to accomplish this. It really does make it easier to be happy and keep focusing on moving forward rather than living in the past.

Anyway on that note I need to say good-bye for now. I have to get ready to go see Backstreet Boys. I'm super excited, I have loved them for years and this is the first time I'm actually going to see them in concert :-) I will try to write again while I'm on holidays but it will likely be after I get back from BC.

Bon Jovi Kicked Butt Tonight

I went to the Bon Jovi concert tonight and I just had to share how amazing it was. I have seen a lot of concerts in my time and he is by far one of my very favourite performers. This was the third time I was seeing him in concert and each time has been amazing. I was a little worried tonight's wouldn't be as good as the last time when i saw him in Frankfurt Germany because that was an amazing concert and it had the added advantage that I was all excited to be in Europe :-) But I think this concert blew that one out of the water. The audience was excited and in to it (Stampede concerts are always amazing for that part) and it had the atmosphere of a great big party. It's crazy to see that many people screaming and singing. It must be such a thrill to have full audiences not only screaming for you but being able to sing your songs without any help. I think the thing I love the most about his concerts though is not only how much fun the audience always has but the fact that Bon Jovi seems to have so much fun. Oh the life of a rock star...it would certainly be an ego boost. LOL

Anyway enough babbling. If you haven't gone to the grounds yet I totally recommend the deep fried snickers bar...totally bad for you but oh so yummy. Here's hoping today doesn't effect my weigh in too badly on Saturday :-)

What a Week

So as if my brain wasn't spinning enough last week, I had yet another thing to add to the mess. While at the dentist getting my root canal finished off, he broke the drill bit in the tooth. I know have a new piece of metal in one of the canals in the tooth sealed in by the filling. I spent the better part of the week stressing over what I should do because there is nothing they can really do about the file. Well ultimately I could go for surgery and have them remove it from the bottom but then I would also lose a good chunk of the root so not really worth it unless things go wrong. I could also have the tooth pulled but not much point in that if I can avoid it as well. All that said it wasn't so much the fact that I now have metal in my mouth because I don't think it should cause a problem, where my brain has been spinning is if I should still crown the stupid tooth. It's a lot of money to put into a tooth that may reject the file and abscess again. (I'm also not really happy about thinking that my tooth may abscess again because that was the worst weekend of my life when it went last time). Anyway after talking to everyone I have come to the decision that since my crown isn't scheduled until September there is no sense in worrying until then. I'm hoping that if things are going to go wrong they will go wrong in the next two months so that I can fix it before spending a small fortune on my tooth. However if nothing happens in the next two months I'm going to bet on the odds that everything should be ok for years to come. LOL. Oh how I love dentists and dentistry...can you tell.

Aside from teeth drama, last week was a great week. I got my summer pass for roller skating, so went a few times. I got some more falls out of the way, but learned that I can at least get myself up without help now. I getting stronger and faster, now it is time to work on my stamina and balance. I also completed another 5k on my treadmill and 1 min faster than last time :-) The best part is that all the hard work (well if you can call skating hard work) showed on the scale when I weighed in on Saturday which will help me try to repeat the process again this week. I'm determined to break my not losing weight in the summer curse. I know I can do it and I will do it, one lap around the roller rink at a time. hehehe

A Spinning Mind

Ever have one of those weeks where you brain won't stop spinning? A week where the thoughts just race around and around your mind not really getting anywhere but not leaving you alone either. This week has been like that for me. Normally I can deal with spinning thoughts by writing them out in my pen and paper journal, however this week even that hasn't seemed to help. I think the problem is that the three major things I'm working on changing are all the causes of the spinning thoughts. (For those of you who don't know, the three major things that I'm trying to change are my weight, my debt and my career) If it was just one issue at a time it would be way easier to sort out and deal with, especially since my three areas all end up overlapping the other.

I have come to a stand still with my weight loss. I'm bouncing all around 30 pounds down but can't seem to hit 35. I have blamed it on the summer blahs but I know that I can get through it I just have to get my head screwed on right. I am setting some plans in motion that should hopefully get me back on track. I think the biggest thing is deciding to get a pass for the summer for roller skating. I know it seems silly but it is so much fun and it is a great way to get some exercise in. I'm glad to have found something that is so much fun. I want to be down 50 pounds by the end of August and I think that roller skating may just help me get there. I also think the fact that I can officially do 5kms on my treadmill will also help. Doing 5k this week was probably the highlight of my week. It took me 1 hour and 10mins to do but I know that next time i can do it faster. I'll tell you it did feel amazing to go downstairs and hop on my treadmill thinking I will do 5k and actually do it. I have been saying for awhile that I was going to do 5k and have always given up on pushing for it. There is nothing quite as great feeling as achieving something you set your mind to. Now I just have to focus on that and stop the thought that I can't lose weight in the summer from spinning around.

When it comes to my debt I just feel like I'm going no where. This of course is not actually the case because my debt is going down but it is taking longer than I want it to. I have been thinking about all the different options I have to be able to fix it sooner. The easiest would be to get a part time job, but the problem with that is that I lose out on some of the time I need for being able to work out, not to mention the last time I was working two jobs I got super cranky and gained a bunch of weight. Another option is to keep going at the rate I'm going and just take longer to get out of debt. This is likely what I will have to do but it sucks. I want to get rid of my stupid interest payments...I'm tired of paying extra money for the stupid stuff I spent my money while I was at school and Wal-Mart. My last option that i have been thinking about is the hardest one for me, but the one that might be the most logical solution and that's talking to Dad. Dad keeps offering to help me on little things like my tooth bill or going back to school, so maybe he would be open to lending me some money so I can get rid of the interest and just pay him back. Of course the problem with this solution is that I have to tell dad that I haven't always been so good with my money. Money is such a big deal to my dad and has always been a source of most of our fights that this is not an easy thing to do. Ultimately today I think that I came to a decision though, I think I will keep on with my plan until the fall or Christmas and then depending on how things look maybe create a plan that I can show dad. I know that the sooner I get out of debt the better off I will be.

The last of my spinning thoughts in the hardest...work. Work has been on my brain a lot this week. Although it was a short week at work with Thursday off for Canada Day it was a very long week. It looks like a new position may be opening up and people keep asking me if I'm going to apply for it. There would be good and bad about changing jobs but I'm not so sure it is worth my time moving from one admin job to another. The possibility has got me thinking though. I am trying to figure out how I need to move forward to be able to do what I want, not to mention to be able to find something that will make me happy. I'm so used to thinking like a writer, with a beginning, middle and end in mind, that not knowing the steps is a bit of challenge for me. My brain just keeps going over all the options and all the possible outcomes from each option. I don't normally let myself play what ifs because they are a waste of time but for whatever reason I'm stuck in a big giant 'what if' loop.

Oh well I have lots more thinking to do. I think the time is coming to turn off my brain and start acting though. Decision are needing to be made and it's time I get to it.

Chicks Flicks...a love hate relationship

This blog entry was first going to be on my summer blahs...but I'll save that for another day. I just finished watching the movie "Remember Me" and I loved it. As with most of the movies that get put into my favourites list it's a love story with a tragic ending. And like the majority of my favourites it made me cry. I'm willing to bet that the next time I watch it I will also cry again.

I'm sure some of you probably think I'm crazy (ok most of you probably do...heck I even do most days) but I love a movie that will make me cry. The harder I cry the more I like the movie. I curse them at the same time though because it never fails that these movies make me feel and think things that I don't normally allow myself to think and feel. The thing I like most about these movies though is that they do make me cry. It is an incredible release, I would even put it on the same level for me as an intense work out. I guess as I have gotten older I have learned to control my emotions more and I have stop letting myself cry. There was a time when I would cry over just about everything. It was a time when I didn't think anything was ever going to change. There are times where I still feel this but instead of just letting it out in a good cry I have to find a movie to make me cry, because I have trained myself not to let go. So as much as I hate the fact I cry in almost every movie, I am very glad that movies can make me feel so strongly. As a wannabe writer, it also make me want to be able to write something that is as moving and powerful.

This week has been a struggle for me, which is why I was happy to see Remember Me come out on dvd. I knew that it would be a good choice to help me let go of this past week. Nothing really bad happened or anything but I just found myself struggling. I lost all motivation for everything. It was a week where I realized how many obstacles are in my way of getting the things I want and a week where I didn't feel like I was going to be able to beat those obstacles. I know that my goals are all lofty goals and they will take time to achieve but at the same time, sometimes this is a curse. It is hard to stay focused on the here and now on the little accomplishments when you also know your other goals are so far away. I know that there is a path that will get me from point a to point b but I'll be damned if I can figure out where that path starts. I just try to remember that patience is a virtue and that anything worth having is worth fighting for and I keep hoping that it will be enough. And until I figure it all out I guess I'll just have to keep hoping good chick flicks keep coming to help keep me from getting too stressed out :-)

Long Over Due Update

Well I must apologize that so many weeks have passed since I last wrote. The stars just were not lining up to let me get on here and post. The last few weeks have tested my drive and determination to keep going. I have been worn out and tired. I have experience a lot of ups and a few downs all squished into the few weeks. I survived though and am feeling better for it.

The first major challenge was an abscessed tooth. I have never felt anything as painful in my life. It interfered with my sleep, distracted me from really enjoying myself my last day of visiting my Lethbridge friends and meant that I had to deal with my fear of dentists. The good news is I'm on the way to being completely repaired and I think I found a dentist that seems ok, definitely better than my last dentist anyway. The only benefit to an abscessed tooth is I wasn't able to eat so I managed to drop just over 4 pounds last week. Of course the downside is that being able to eat this week meant that I did gain a pound of the four back but I can deal with that.

A few of the good things was a trip to Lethbridge which always means I come home relaxed and more centered. One of the great things about visiting is getting to visit with my adopted niece. At almost two years old she is growing, learning and changing at a crazy rate so it is a lot of fun to visit and see what new things she is doing. I will tell you this if you ever want to just enjoy life just follow in a kids footsteps for the day. Getting to play and laugh and chase Artemis around leaves me feeling lighter and happier. It's a great reminder to me to keep having fun and not to get too serious. The more fun you have the better everything looks and the better you will feel.

Today I also got some positive motivation on all the hard work I have been doing to get healthier. A group of us went rollerskating again. I had a blast and was able to do way better this time. My legs are definitely stronger and I could go further and with less shaking legs. I was very happy and I'm looking forward to going again. I love how it feels when I do something and it is easier. It reminds me that I am actually making progress. It is a great boost to my drive. It makes me want to keep pushing and keep moving forward. Even though I've only lost just over 30 pounds I can't imagine going back to the way I was a year ago. I have way more energy and stamina now. I feel better, happier and more centered. I feel like everything is falling into place. It's exciting.

Anyway I know this was sort of a weird entry but I wanted to catch you all up. I'll try to come up with something better for next week ;-) Also stay tuned thinking about adding a recipe box for new recipes each week, so if anyone has any you want to share let me know :-)

When All the Balls Fall to the Ground

Today was a bit of a train wreck of self destruction. I'm working on two major goals, to lose weight and to get debt free, and I gave up on both of them today. The reality is I felt this coming on throughout the week and I probably could have avoided it by coming home after weight watchers rather than going grocery shopping, but I think as much as it sucks I needed today.

When everything slips out of my grasp it works to remind myself exactly what I want. There is something about just letting go completely to remind you just how much you really want the goals you have set for yourself. In the past a day like today would have meant the complete abandonment of everything and a horrible spiral back to my old ways. The good news is that is not the case this time. I plan to get up in the morning with a renewed sense of purpose and drive. I will get back on my budget and get back on working out and tracking my food. I guess what I want to say is just because all the balls fall to the ground doesn't mean you can't pick them up again. Sure you might have to hunt for the one or two that have rolled under the couch, but it is possible to pick them all up and toss them in the air again.

I do think I realized one thing though, I need to stop telling myself I can't do things. I think this collapse was a result of a week of arguing with myself about everything. I was getting fixated on what I shouldn't be doing. I started to tell myself I can't have this and I can't do that. As soon as I say I can't I get fixated on it and it becomes all I want, even to the point of self destruction. I know this about myself but unfortunately it is a lesson that I keep having to learn. The good news is I think that I get better at dealing with the lesson each time it rears its ugly head.

I know that I often talk like I'm giving advice, but here's the thing, I'm not. When I write I'm telling myself the things I want to hear and need to hear. I hope that in writing it down and sharing it with the world of cyberspace it will stick in my brain. If anyone gets anything out of this blog I'm thrilled for you but the honest truth is this is my therapy. I have a hard time opening up to people about what is going on in my brain but writing it here gives me an open forum. I become another anonymous voice in cyberspace babbling away like a crazy person. It's a strange world we live on, anyone can be a writer and have readers all thanks to the world of blogging. Since I was a little girl I've always wanted to be a writer and thanks to the love and support of my friends I have gotten that chance. It just shows that all goals can come true, even if it is not quite how we imagined them.

Control?????

Well I survived my birthday and my parents visiting but it wasn't without its pitfalls. It is always a challenge when my house is invaded by my family because I lose all my normal routines. It is great to have people around but it is a struggle to keep myself on track. My family comes with its own set of challenges. The last couple times they have visited I have started to realize where all my bad habits have come from. I do not blame them at all for where I am but I can certainly see some of my old habits in them. I try hard not to think about food all the time and I don't tend to bring things into the house that will get me in trouble, but when my family is around those are two of the battles I face. My family snacks all the time and food like donuts, ice cream cake and other treats seem to appear when my family is around.

So although I know that I will face these things when they appear I have never really planned for it and this time was no different. When they left though I felt horrible. My body was hating me and I was stressing over having to weigh in and part of my brain had even given up on fighting for what I really want. The reality is it is easier to give in and resort back to my old habits than it is to fight. I know that I am strong and capable of beating my old habits into submission but I also know that they will always be there. So the only solution I have is to make better plans for when I get into situations I can't control because as much as I think I can control the world, reality says there is no real control over anything except over how I choose to react to the world.

It is a strange thing to realize that no matter how hard you try to control things that it really isn't possible. The good news is that although the world may remind me that it can throw chaos into my routine, I can still make choices that allow me some control. I know where my weaknesses are, and I know my triggers so I just have to make sure that the next time my world is turned upside down I have a set of plans to deal with those challenges. A few strategic escape routes to get me through and keep me on the right track so I don't feel like I'm throwing away all the hard work I have been putting in.

Anyway for those of you who are wondering how bad the last two weeks have been it actually wasn't horrible. I only gained 1.8 pounds. Although coming up to Saturday this week I found myself pleading for a miracle because I was sure I was going to be up more. Luckily a small miracle occurred and I weighed in at the same weight as the week before. So with my weekly weigh in done I have put myself back on track. I'm ready to have an amazing week.

30 Pounds Down

Although I was not expecting anything good to come out of the weigh in this week I was pleasantly surprised and shocked to see that I was down 2.2 pounds bringing my total to 30.2. I'm always happy when my weight is down but there is something special when I hit a 10 pound goal. I always seem to struggle a bit when I'm coming up to a new 10 pound increment so maybe that is why I get so excited or maybe it's just that it seems like I'm actually making progress.

I do think that breaking my weight loss into 5 and 10 pound increments for goals has been incredibly helpful. It is a big enough difference that I have to push myself to get to the goal but it is not so daunting that I get discouraged. I guess it keeps me from thinking about how far I have to go. I know I have said before about not focusing on the weight as a measure of success but you know it still feels good when you start to see your total number lost go up.

For me every pound I can take off lets me feel that I'm getting closer and closer to everything I want. Don't get me wrong I don't think that I need to lose weight to be successful or to feel happy. I do however think that I need to lose weight to live the life I imagine for myself. So every pound that I lose pushes me one step closer to that image in my head. It allows me to become more active and to do the activities that I enjoy with out the struggle of doing it carrying the weight of 2 other people.

Last year when I turned 30 I knew that it was time to make a change. Now as my birthday is quickly approaching again I can look back on this year and be proud of the strides I have made. Next year when this time rolls around and i'm getting ready to turn 32 I know that I will have even more to be proud of. I will no longer look back on my year with regret or feel disappointed that I'm another year older. The reality is that every year I get stronger, smarter and more focused. I no longer think that getting older is a bad thing, it just means I have more experience to help push me further.

So with that I wish myself a Happy Birthday and will work hard not to let the birthday cake get the better of me for next week's weigh in :-)

Early Bday Celebrations

This weekend was a fun filled weekend of celebrating. I decided to celebrate my birthday early and so invited everyone to join me in rollerskating and a potluck. It turned out really well. Out of this weekend I did discover that not everything you once knew comes back like riding a bike. LOL. The last time I roller skated was probably 19 years ago. I remember racing around the rink, sure you fell down but you could go and it was easy. Now not so much. Skating was a challenge for me, but it was still just as much fun as it was when I was a kid. So I have a new plan...I'm going to get good at skating. It was an amazing work out (my legs still hurt today, two days later) and it was so much fun it would be easy to use it as a form of activity. Anyone else that is thinking about going roller skating here is my advice...

1. Work on your leg strength (mine was not so great so while skating my legs would shake and let me tell you this does not help with your balance)
2. Remember your sense of humor (god knows if you can't laugh at yourself you might as well not bother)
3. Don't pay any attention to anyone else, especially the little kids (it just makes you feel old and even more un-coordinated...hehehe)
4. Lastly remember to have fun because ultimately that is what it is all about.

These four little things do not only apply to rollerskating but really any activity that you take on...well at least the last three. Just because we are adults does not mean we have to stop having fun. I have spent so much of my life doing what is expected of me and what is the right thing. These are not always the fun things and I think I have finally realized that life is way more exciting and way more fun if I just do what I want.

I have a piece of butcher paper on the back of my bedroom door on which I write different quotes or ideas or goals. I was looking at it last night and one thing jumped out of me. Last year around my 30th birthday I wrote that my 20s were for growing up and figuring my life out and doing the things I need to do to survive. I vowed that my 30s would be different. My 30s are going to be about doing things for myself. Finding the happiness inside and doing the things that make me who I am. This last year has been a gradual push towards these ideas. I'm finally comfortable with who I am, I know what I want and now I am finally doing the steps I need to in order to get everything I have always wanted.

So many people I know right now our struggling with different things and I just want you all to remember that we only have one chance at life. Yes bad stuff happens but if you let it get to you more bad stuff will happen. I think negativity is an easier way to live. There is always bad stuff going on and around us. You can always find things you don't like and it's real easy to let negativity surround us. But I will tell you, and I have before, since I started to choose a more positive outlook things have been great. Yes I still have bad days (again because negativity is easy) but overall I am feeling great. I can have fun again without feeling guilty about it. Nothing is going to stop me anymore. I may not get everything I want tomorrow but I know that I will get everything I want in time. So let your inner child take over for a day or even an hour. Life will look brighter and even if you aren't lighter physically you will feel lighter mentally :-) Positivity is a choice so you just have to make the choice to be happy.

Decluttering and organizing

It is amazing how so many seemingly different things all have the same effect on a person. Since January I have been working hard on organizing my finances as well as making my weight loss a priority. This weekend I started the long process of decluttering my house and getting it looking good for my party next weekend, as well as giving me some extra space. As always when I'm doing random things my brain tends to wander and I started to realize that each of these three things are all sort of tied together, only I didn't really realize it until now.

Last year when I was 405 pounds I didn't care that the house was a mess. It was easier to ignore it then it was to clean it. The effort required to make my body bend and lift and move things around was to great and made the task of cleaning the house seem impossible. Although it was driving me nuts, I just put up with the clutter. At the same time it was easier to spend money then it was to save. Why save it when I could just buy another movie or more junk food or fast food (the three things I spent the majority of my money on before tracking). Those three things would let me feel better and escape reality a little.

So what changed? Well if I think about the timeline of my life in the last year it all starts with my weight loss. As soon as I started losing weight things like my debt and the clutter in my house started to frustrate me. It's hard to get excited about something like losing weight when everything else felt so crazy. It is also hard to keep making one part of you life better and change nothing else. So with the positive momentum of my weight loss it was time to turn my sites on my finances. With the help of the show 'From Debt do Us Part' I finally figured out how to make my money work. The first few weeks were a bit tough but then when i started seeing the difference in my debt and in my savings and chequing account. Those changes started to feel really positive as well. Again using the positive feelings of accomplishing other goals it became easier to start to think about making a difference in my surroundings. So I started cleaning at first just the basics, but now I'm in full on deep clean mode. I spent this weekend moving, rearranging and boxing stuff up. I'm getting more space and feeling great about it.

I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is sometimes all it takes is one change to start the ball rolling on getting everything you want. I watch so many of my friends trying to change their lives all at once and wondering why they can't get it figured out and I think sometimes we just try to do too much at once. I know that has been my issue in the past. I don't know if it's right or wrong but it's working for me. Each step seems to lay itself at my feet when the time is right and I just keep going with it. The best part is the more positive stuff I let into my life the more positive my outlook becomes. Even when things are going wrong and seem really negative I can change it and frame it so that it does not effect me as much. For the first time in a long time I'm starting to feel like myself again.

A Great Week and Weekend

I'm currently in a great mood. I went to bingo today with my sister and for the first time in my life I actually won something. I got to yell bingo and I won $70. I know it's not a tonne of money but it was so much fun and so worth it. I realized I was only 1 number away and showed my sis, then she saw the number come up and pointed it out to me because she is always just ahead of me when it comes to the numbers. I started shaking and had to wait for them to call the number so I could say bingo. Of course you are supposed to hold your card up in the air but do you think my fingers would work to pick it up. LOL. It is amazing how quickly you brain shuts off and adrenaline kicks in.

Anyway enough of that. This week was a good week. I worked out every day except Thursday. I even managed to get in two work outs almost every day. It felt really good although Friday my abs were sore but I figure that is because I didn't work out on Thursday. The work outs didn't show up on the scale this week but I know that I felt great so I can wait to see the results. I am feeling more powerful and lighter. It is getting easier to move my body and to do some of the exercises on my dvds. It is easy to keep pushing when I focus on the small things like my energy being up or being able to jump for some of the exercises. I think that has been the biggest boost this time around, it's the fact that rather than fixating on a number I'm focusing on the little things I accomplish. The reality is that in the end it is all the little things that matter because every big thing is made up of many little things. When people ask me for advice about staying motivated this is what I have started to tell them. It's good to have a big goal in mind but the little goals are what are going to get you there. Also getting to cross off lots of little goals is a total boost to your self esteem. It really does help prove to yourself that you can accomplish things. :-)

Mood Rebounded

Well my mood has bounced back. I'm feeling way better about everything that has been going on. I don't have any solutions but I have decided to make the best of everything right now. I'm going to focus my energy on working out and creating some vacation budgets rather than on any negativity I'm feeling. I have made a lot of positive changes and I will not throw them all away because I had a bad week.

My bad week did show up on the scale as I knew it would. I was up three pounds this week. It didn't effect me as much as it used to when I gained, maybe because going in I expected it. So my goal this week is to once again make sure I get a work out in every day. I can't let myself be dragged back into bad habits because things aren't going the way I want them to.

Anyway just a short update. Now it's time to watch a few more movies before heading to Rosebud tonight to see some theatre. Once again Happy Easter everyone.

So Glad This Week Is Done

Well it's not Saturday but it was either write or eat the last of the sugar cookies I made for work and I figured writing was the better choice. This week has been the most emotionally and physically draining week I have had in a long time. It has been a struggle even to get my butt out of bed and working out well that certainly hasn't been up to my usual standards. I have never been so glad for a weekend as I am for this one. The best part is I have three days to relax and figure out how to make things easier.

I know some of you are probably wondering why my week was so bad and the simple truth is I don't really have an answer. I think I just need a break or a change or something in my life. I am starting to realize why I love writing though. When you write fiction if characters frustrate you, you can fix them. If you want something you can write it. Fantasy is so much easier than reality. LOL. Of course in a lot of ways I play a character in life. I think that is the hardest part of everything right now, I'm tired of playing a role. I want to be me, but me doesn't work...well at least not in some places. The harder I try to do things the right way, the worse things get so it makes me wonder why I even bother. So I keep playing a role until it cracks and then I seal up the cracks and go a little longer. Do you have any idea how hard it is to pretend to be something you aren't all the time? It's like walking on egg shells all the time, or like walking through a house of mirrors and not sure when you are going to run face first into one. I guess if you think of it that way it is no wonder I'm tired. The worst part of everything is I'm spending half my time wishing for the past. The funny part about that is the past wasn't really any better it just seems easier compared to how things are now. The only thing I know for sure is I have to find a constructive way to deal with all this extra negativity that is sneaking into my world because if my mood stays this way I will not get very far on my weight loss or any other goals in my world.

The good news is it's the weekend now and with that random nonsense rant out of the way I think I have let all the stuff out of my mind which means I should be able to have fun. I'm off to a good start having spent two hours laughing tonight, which was very much needed. For those of you who like me may be in the mood for some carefree movie viewing check out Hot Tub Time Machine. I know it seems silly but it is actually quite funny. Now I will spend the rest of my weekend watching John Cusack movies ;-). He is always good for a chick flick or two :-) I hope that you all have a very good Easter. I will update my weight on Saturday and if my mood has picked up I will write a more positive entry.

Random Ranting Brought on by Earth Hour Blackout

I'm sitting at my table writing this out by candle light. I know it's silly but it is my way to respect our earth. One wonders if it really makes a difference to turn out our lights for an hour but at least in my head it shows that I care, even if it doesn't do much. The funny thing is that even if I was doing it for the earth I also found it to be very therapeutic. There is something about sitting in the dark with no background noise and just letting your thoughts run.

I think that we should all make time to be alone with our thoughts. Our world races by so fast that we hardly have time to notice. Being a history major I tend to look to the past with a strange respect that probably paints it with rose coloured glasses, but I do think there are aspects from the past that we could use now a days. I have often said I was born in the wrong era. But as I learn more about myself this thought is changing. What I really want is to bring some of the old traditions and values back not to move back to another era.

If I could bring anything to our present day from the past, in terms of values, it would be the sense of time. More specifically time for the individual and the family. I think the world would benefit by slowing things down and focusing on taking time for the things that really matter. If we took time to cook together, eat together, and just be together I personally think we would have fewer lost people. I know for me personally that the lost disconnected feelings have led to a lot of over eating to try and compensate. This is also seen when just watching people. Everyone seems to be searching for something and trying to connect, leading them to do silly things some of the time.

I know the idea of being connected sounds a bit strange coming from me, the queen of being independent and on my own, but I think that having some sort of family closeness and connections, as well as a sense of community would help the world immensely. We would probably have fewer issues and problems in a lot of different areas. It would make the world a better place.

Wow, ok off my soapbox. Totally random rant, but what can I say sometimes my brain just goes blah and spews words and thoughts. I do want to share some good news with you though. In spite of not being able to get all my work outs in and a chocolate fountain at work, I was still able to lose 2.6 pounds this week. This means I am on track for hitting 50 pounds for my birthday. Yah.

Anyway with that I leave you. Find some time to listen to yourself think. Silence although scary can be very worth it. Maybe your brain is ready to spew as well.

Most Powerful Weapon/Muscle....Your Mind!

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I let my mind wander and it went to trying to figure out what I should write in my blog today. I realized that there was one topic that was on my mind most of the week and it seemed rather fitting, the power of my mind. I know it seems cliche and new agey but I'm starting to realize that all those times I heard it being said or had it told to me that they may have been right.

Now those of you who know me, know that I don't believe in much but when I do it is because of careful thought and reason behind it. So where, you might be asking, is my latest revelation coming from? Well that is simple, work. As much as I may complain about my job, and as much as I may dread going, I will admit it has taught me a lot about myself. This week while listening to everyone go on about their colds and various other ailments I realized that anyone that was a hypochondriac would end up sick just from working there and listening to it all. Then low and behold I started to feel run down and like I was catching something. I don't get sick, this is what I have always claimed and I believe it (it's hard not to when the last time you even had a cold was Jan '09...and for those smart asses reading this I don't count food poisoning...LOL). The run down feeling lasted until last night (Friday). When I got home, I got on my treadmill as I always do and felt wonderful. I no longer felt like I was catching the cold that is going around. Coincidence...maybe, but I think it's the power of my mind. Away from all the symptoms of everyone else I had nothing else influencing my mind and could believe in my own thoughts no matter how twisted or crazy they may be. Once again I believed that I do not get sick and therefore felt better.

So what does all this have to do with my weight loss journey, well that's simple. In order to get to my goal I have to believe in it. Last time I tried to lose weight I kept saying that I believed I could, but never actually believed it. I thought that it would only be a matter of time before I would gain it back. This time around I believe with all my heart and soul that I am meant to lose my weight and meant to reach this goal. I believe to my very core that it is no longer impossible. While I'm working out I picture myself hitting goals. I physically see myself getting my 5 pound stickers from Weight Watchers or climbing up more mountains. I can see myself skinny. It is so vivid it is like it is actually happening which pushes me on further. This belief also carries me through the not so good days, because even if I'm having a bad day I still believe that I'm meant to do this in spite of any bad days that may get in the way.

Our minds are truly powerful. If you get up in the morning and say it's going to be a bad day it will be, but if you get up and say that it will be great and put a smile on your face it will be. It may not be the solution to all of our problems but I have been converted to thinking that my mind effects every part of what I'm doing. If I get up thinking I don't want to work out or that I'm too tired to work out when I start it's hard and it does not feel as good. If I get up and think that I'm excited to work out and ready to go than I am able to push myself further and I fly through my work outs. It doesn't make everything easier physically because it's the same workout whether you want to do it or not but it does mean I'm not caring the burden of negativity. Negativity weighs you down while positivity pulls you up.

So my thought for the week is for those of you who are struggling, just keep telling yourself you can make it. Tell yourself over and over so many times that it sinks into your mind, your heart and your soul. Once it twists itself into your being it will give you the drive to keep pushing forward. It may not be the whole solution but if it makes it a little bit easier, maybe it is worth a shot. The stronger you believe in something that more real it is and the harder it is for anyone else to convince you of something else.

Imagine...Believe...Achieve

I found the above image while I was searching for possible new tattoos and it spoke to me. It seemed like a good image to include in this blog as this blog entry marks my one year mark since I vowed to change my life for the better.

I did well with my weight loss losing 3.6 pounds, as well as almost getting my 25 pounds lost and I was also able to work out every day minus yesterday. It's funny though because even though I did well, I feel like it was a hard week for me. I found myself feeling sorry for myself because of how much work and effort it takes to fix my life. I think the scary thing is about what I'm doing now is what I will always have to do it. I know that eventually it will be easier but it is still a hard thing to accept. In order to give myself the life I want I have to change the way I've been living it. Logic says that it will get easier but for now I just keep plugging away at it. At least I got a positive result for all my hard work. It proves that even if doing that right thing sucks it can pay off.

So although this is a short entry please take the message 'imagine, believe and achieve' with you. Make it your own. Pick your goal and dream that it is possible. Write it down make it real. Believe that it is possible. Take that belief and turn it into action. Find the steps you need to make your dreams come true. It won't always be easy but anything is possible. If we are all willing to make it happen we will achieve every dream we have always wanted. I know that I have a lot of support and I am sending my support back to you all. Let's all imagine, believe and achieve together. This time next year we can celebrate our successes.

I Climbed a Mountain

This week has been a phenomenal week, and I’m excited to share it. I have a list of goals that I want to accomplish both weight related and non weight related. The list ranges from every 5 pound increment I have to lose until I reach my 250 pounds to going ice skating again or being able to get on a plane and not need a seatbelt extension, ect. It is a wide ranging list that is a list in two columns over three pages. (I highly recommend to anyone that you start such a list...I find it really motivating especially when I get to check them off.)

Anyway, as you have probably guessed now I was able to cross off yet another one of my goals this week. There is a mountain on Vancouver Island called Mount Tzouhalem that my dad regularly goes hiking on with a friend of his. He has also taken both my brother and my sister to the top off it, but I had never been asked to go, and I had never asked if I could go thinking I couldn’t do it. This week while visiting my mom though Dad actually asked if I wanted to go and I jumped at the opportunity. I was nervous about it because I knew it was going to be tough but Dad was willing to take his time so that I could do it. So Dad and I went on a hike, which is something we haven’t done probably since I was in high school. Anyway the hike was challenging but not too hard. There were parts that were quite steep but nothing that was impossible. There were a couple spots that I wasn’t sure I would be able to do but I took my time and was able to make it. We got to the top (well it’s not quite the top but close enough...the top apparently doesn’t have a view because of trees) and I felt amazing. The view was gorgeous even though the day was a bit cloudy. I think the highlights of the hike besides making it were 1) the area nearing the top that was full of rock figures, sort of like the Inukshuks of the Olympics and 2) the salamander I nearly stepped on but didn’t when we were coming down. I know strange things to be excited about but it was cool. The rock figures just look neat the way they stand amongst the trees and it was fun to take a few minutes to try and build one. The salamander was super cute. I made my dad move him off the path so no one else would almost step on him (because I almost did step on him) and then I took a few pictures. It was a great day and one of the highlights of my whole vacation to visit my parents.

Here are a few photos from the trip. The first is me at the top and the second is taken from below the mountain. The tiny red box is where the first picture was taken to give you a bit of an idea how high up I was :-) The third is me with Cowichan Bay in the background.





The only down side to this week was my weigh in today. Unfortunately I was up 1.6 pounds. *pout* Of course when you consider that I had two surprise birthday’s (Mom’s and my sister’s) and I was travelling I can’t really complain about the weight gain. I know that I wasn’t able to get my work outs in and I wasn’t tracking my food. I knew getting up this morning that I would weigh heavy. So now for the next week I’m going to work extra hard to get my works outs in as well as track everything I eat. As soon as I do that I know that my weight will drop next week and hopefully with any luck I will be able to hit my 25 pounds down. I would like to hit 50 pounds down for my birthday, although that might be a bit of a lofty goal as it’s only 7 weeks until the weigh in before my bday. For now though my world gets back to normal now that 40th and 60th birthdays are done and celebrated.

Weird Week

I have started this blog twice already this week and each time has been very different and yet some how the same. I'm hoping that this time will work a little bit better. I'm having a hard time finding my voice for this blog. It feels like I'm trying too hard and although I want to pour my heart and soul out there, I guess it is easier said then done. I will keep trying though and with some more practice I know things will get easier and better.

I just got home from watching the movie Dear John. I went to it because I wanted to watch a movie that would make me cry. I know it seems like a weird way to choose movies but for me it is a release. I have never been very good with my emotions. I learned that crying just eggs bully's on and that if you fake a smile and pretend you don't care they usually go away. It's a hard lesson no kid should have to learn and it is a hard lesson to unlearn. Instead of feeling I know that I turn to food. Any emotion really I deal with by using food in some way. For example Monday when I was frustrated with work I came home and self destructed with a box of cookies (which i'm sure I'll pay for on my weigh in tomorrow, but hopefully the exercise will balance it out some). I have been learning new ways to deal with things like frustration and stress by doing things like exercise before I eat but other emotions are harder, things like that pesky loneliness that comes with being single. Over the last year that I have been working on losing weight the one thing I have noticed is that I am growing more emotional. I do not think that it is because I'm suddenly developing these feelings but I think for the first time in my life i'm finally letting myself feel. My paper journal is full of emotions that are being written down rather than being eaten. I know that it is a good thing to let myself feel but there is still a part of me that feels like I'm just letting the bully in. So sometimes the easiest and safest way to let myself feel is by going to a movie I know will make me cry. It frees my brain and lets my emotions out.

I suppose in the end whatever helps me deal with emotions and feel them rather than ignore them and feed them with food is probably a good choice. It is truly funny how the brain works though sometimes, or maybe just how my brain works. I view everything in two lights. One is the smart educated person that knows the answers and wants to problem solve and the other is the person who is scared of the bully's. It is two sides of my brain that are sometimes hard to reconcile together. Of course ever since high school i've always said i'm a walking contradiction (like a solar powered vampire) so really that is nothing new either. I guess it just shocks me how much more I'm noticing it now. I'm assuming it is because I am not only spending more time thinking about myself, trying to find answers to my life, but also because I am learning how to feel again. In the end I know all of this will work to my advantage and help me in the long run.

The good news in all of this I will weigh in in the morning and be able to put this week behind me as crazy as it was. I get to look forward to flying out to surprise my mom for her 60th bday on Saturday and get to have a few days away from home and work. I'm very much ready for a vacation and surprising my mom. It has been a long time since I was excited about visiting with my family, it feels pretty good.

The First Real Entry (aka Catch Up)

Every journey needs to start somewhere and for me the journey to lose weight has started and stopped many times. My most recent (and last) start of my weight loss journey started nearly a year ago on March 12, 2009, on one of the most devastating days in my life. To understand the true tragedy of that day for me you should know that I had joined weight watchers for the first time several years before and had some success with it. I had managed to originally lose 50 pounds and was thrilled, but life happened as it often does and I stopped going and weight loss went on the back burner, while I dealt with new challenges, like working two jobs and trying to deal with the politics that came from an office job which I had never really experienced before.

Anyway that day in March was a day that would change my life completely. Now it may seem a bit trivial, when you consider life and death and other major occurrences we all deal with that a weigh-in could be a tragedy, but to me that day it was. When I weighed in I knew that it was going to show I had gained weight, but I was not expecting the total I saw. After fighting hard to lose 50 pounds the first time I discovered that not only did I gain the 50 pounds back but I also gained another 50ish pounds more. At the highest weight I had ever been I felt crushed. I left the weigh in and went to my car (as I had taken the day off work and had only come in to weigh in) and I cried. I cried because I had gone from 295-300, at my lowest weight to 405 pounds (I know shocking and scary, and not something I thought possible.) I was disappointed and mad at myself. I felt like a failure, but at the same time there was also a sense of hope. I felt that things couldn't get any worse. It was my rock bottom moment and I knew that now things could only get better. It was some what freeing to realize this. After much thought and tears I realized that although at that moment I felt like a failure I really wasn't. The only way I could fail is if I was no longer willing to try to fix things and I resolved that I would never stop trying. Success was and is the only option. I will never return to that moment in my life, I will never again weigh as much as I did Mar 12, 2009.

Now nearly a year later, I have not lost as much weight as I would have liked but I have learned a lot about myself and my body. Somewhere over the last year I finally accepted myself for who I am. I have learned the things that work and a lot of things that don’t. I have learned that gaining weight does not mean I’m bad or a failure but that sometimes it is a part of the journey. I’m also learning that the more I let people in the easier it is (hence why I started the blog ;-) and that with a clear goal in mind it is much easier to choose to do the right things. Actually in writing and thinking about it choice may actually be my most valuable gained knowledge. Realizing that everything I eat and do is a choice is one of the most freeing things. It makes me completely responsible for my life and how it will turn out. It is empowering.

That is where I am coming from now. I am feeling powerful and in control. I have hope for the future but it is excitement for the changes I’m seeing now that will get me to that future. Now all of you are up to date on my journey. You also all know exactly where I am coming from. Until this entry only myself, the weight watchers people and a best friend have known what my weight is. It was time to fess up and admit to the world what I pretended wasn't true.

I look forward to sharing my future with you all. With all your love, support and encouragement I will reach my goal weight, and will find a way to help others reach their goals as well.

On a side note for those of you wondering when I’ll be doing my updates my plan for this blog is to write at least once a week on weigh in days (usually Saturdays), so I can keep you all posted on my progress or struggles depending on the day/week.

Introduction to My Reality

For the last little while I have been thinking about starting up a blog again. I wanted to find a way to easily share my success and struggles when it comes to my weight loss as well as anything else that comes up while blogging. As an aspiring writer I would love for the world to read my words but for my blog I have much more down to earth hopes. So many of my friends have been keeping tabs on my weight loss journey to this point and have been full of questions and support, so I thought in starting a blog it would be a great way to keep everyone up to date.

The selfish part of me however, also likes the idea of having a spot to bare my soul and to babble away about whatever pops into my brain. I have spent years being shy (yes shy even though most people who know me will argue this point) and quiet about all the things that go on in my brain. I think it is time for me to share and the easiest way for me to do that is and has always been through the written word. So for those of you who are patient enough to read my ramblings thank you in advance.

My goal with this blog is to be as honest as possible, which is not always an easy task, especially when dealing with things like my weight. I hope that it will not only keep me on track and working on my own goal of losing weight, but maybe it can help keep my many friends who are also working on their own journeys, weight loss or otherwise, motivated. In the end though even if no one reads this little blog it is a way for me to express myself, practice my writing and maybe even learn a little more about myself.

So with out further ado welcome to my reality...as twisted as it may turn out to be.