2015 Memories

2015 was an amazing year for me.  I have experienced a great many things, made new friends and learned a lot.  At the start of the year I saw a post on Facebook about keeping a jar and filling it full of notes about the things you have done over the year and opening it the following New Year’s Eve.  I thought it was a brilliant idea and so I created a jar of my own.  I decided that I would try and write a note for each day.  The note would have something I was proud of, accomplished, grateful for or something that made me happy.  I didn’t end up doing one for every day but I filled the jar none the less.  When I woke up this morning I was super excited because I knew that I was going to get to open it tonight.  I had no clue what all I wrote down although certainly I could think of a few big moments that I knew were in it.

After dinner I opened it up and poured it out.  It was a jar full of scraps of different sizes and shapes of paper.  Some are cut nicely and some were just torn but each piece had a moment captured from 2015. 

What surprised me is how amazing it felt to look through them.  I knew that I had accomplished a lot this year but seeing all the things I wrote down was amazing.  Big moments like doing my Canmore 5k were featured just as prominently as small moments like a day spent cuddling with my cat.  I recorded good deeds, good thoughts and lots of gratitude for the people in my life.  It was the prefect reminder of all the special moments from this last year a lot of which probably wouldn’t have been remembered or recognized otherwise.

Of all the slips of paper one theme stands out.  It was very apparent that this year was a year in which I was focusing on moving more.  The vast majority of the things I recorded were moments from the gym or to do with working out.  I suppose it also speaks to how much joy I have found this year in learning just how far I can push my body.  One of the coolest parts of this jar full of moments is that I got to see the improvements in what I was doing at the gym.  It shows me lifting more, running faster and longer and just trying new things.  It is a pretty cool reminder of just how much I really have accomplished towards my goal to a healthier me. 

Anyway here is a sample of 30 of my favourite notes from the last year.

This has been such a very cool project.  I look forward to once again doing it in 2016.  It has been a great way to reflect on the year that has passed.

I hope that everyone has an amazing New Year and that 2016 will fill all of your jars with amazing moments.

Try Try Try

I’m currently vibrating with energy.  It happens whenever I accomplish something that I didn’t think was possible.   My trainer has been slowly introducing me to different exercises on a ball.  This has been a challenge in general because I had to get over my fear that the ball wouldn’t actually hold my weight even when the specs said that it would.  Now that I trust that the ball will my lovely trainer has been pushing the boundaries a little bit more.

harder than it looks especially if you are laughing

I love that I can goof around with my trainer.  She has been a great match

Another YMCA staff who has become a friend :-)

This exercise was both mentally and physically challenging.  She had me roll down from sitting into the bridge and then roll back up to sit again.  I was pretty sure there was no way it was going to happen.  I was giggling out of sheer nervousness.  I had to put a lot of trust in my trainer because she told me that I could do it.  Although my brain was screaming there was no way I tried it anyway.  The first one was horrible.  I rolled down laughing and shaking but when it came to trying to roll back up fear kicked in as my head and shoulders left the ball and were floating in air.  I was pretty sure I was going to fall backwards and crack my skull open.  But very ungracefully and with the help of my trainer I got back up and tried again.  The second time it was much easier because my body knew that my legs would hold me when I was in the bridge.  I still struggled a bit to roll back up into sitting but did it the second time.  Then the third and fourth were almost easy because I knew I could do it and because I wanted photos.  It’s not every day you can document a truly important moment.  I experience a lot of them at the gym but usually don’t get pictures of it.

There is no proof more powerful of the progress I’m making than when I can do something that my brain says I can’t.  When I first decided to live my year with no fear in 2014 this was what I was looking for.  I was looking for those moments where I was worried, scared, nervous or just plain convinced I couldn’t do something so that I could push through them.  Logically I knew that this was the best way to grow and learn but it wasn’t then and still isn’t an easy mantra to live by but it is one that gets me the best results.  Pushing through the things that scare me has helped me to grow my confidence in more ways than I probably even realize.  It has helped me to learn more and more about my body and what it is capable of.  It has helped to change my world.

When I remember tonight later on what I want to remember is the following:

1. Sometimes you just have to trust the people you have hired to help you

2. Your mind is a powerful tool and it needs to be on your side

3. Laughter makes everything better…well it does make holding the bridge harder but if I wasn’t laughing I probably never would have done it :-)

4. I am able to do anything if I can just learn to trust myself and be okay if I can’t do it perfect.

5. Most important always just try because you might just surprise yourself.

I’m so proud every day of the work I have been doing.  I love how my body is changing.  I also love how my mind is changing.  I feel like I’m truly growing into the woman I was meant to be.

 

Right before joining the gym and now.  Not a perfect comparison but it is pretty apparent my body is changing

Finding Balance by Reflection and Organization

Sometimes you just need to stop the world and spend some time reflecting on where things are and what’s going on.  Since getting back from my cruise a month and a bit ago I feel like my world has been moving at hyper speed.  I have been busy doing a lot of things (most of which fun) and I love it but after a long writing session in my journal Tuesday night I also realized that it is causing me to lose sight on the things that matter most to me, especially my journey to get healthy.  This evening after a busy day off hitting the gym, a Remembrance Day service and catching a movie, I sat down on the couch to really think about what I need and want out of life.  It led me to a few conclusions which I wanted to share.

The first thing I realized is how important having time for just myself to do the things that recharge my soul the most – reading and writing.  I don’t remember the last time I actually made time to pick up one of my books and as for writing other than a blog that I wrote but trashed because I didn’t like it I have barely picked up a pen or let my fingers move on a keyboard.  As much as I love being out and about with friends and doing different activities the reality is I very much am an introvert.  The quickest way to leave me feeling overwhelmed and out of control is when I get myself so busy that I don’t have time to myself.  I have been busy doing something every weekend since I got back from my cruise so there hasn’t been any time for just me to sit and decompress.  I always struggle when I start feeling like I’m just going all the time.

The second thing I realized is that when my world gets crazy I still have a tendency to want to turn to food.  Pair that with the fact I had left over Halloween candy I feel like I have been eating nothing but crap for the last two weeks.  Because of my weekend schedule I missed last week’s weigh in and will be missing this week’s weigh in but the scale at the gym tells me that my random snacking has added up.  Not to a huge gain but enough of one that I am a little mad at myself.  It was actually probably seeing that number that made me really stop and look at what is going on so that I can put the brakes on now before I lose any more ground.  I guess the good news in this is the fact that I recognized the need to stop and fix it before it got really bad.  I need to find a better way to control my world than to let myself self-destruct it with junk food.

The third thing I realized is I really am very much goal orientated.  Without a goal and a plan I flounder.  I haven’t been doing my meal plans which means along with the Halloween candy I also haven’t been as good with my other food choices.  I have been opting to eat out more than I should and even though the choices I make when I eat out are better than the old days the fact is it is costing me more money than it should.  I also have been feeling the lack of a goal at the gym.  I have been struggling to get my workouts in and struggling to even be able to push myself when I am at the gym (well unless I’m with my trainer because she has been kicking my ass).   When I have a goal and a plan it lets me know what I should be doing and it seems to keep me much more accountable to myself to make sure I follow it.  It gives me a reason to try and run a little longer or faster.

The last thing I realized is that I waste a lot of time on things that don’t matter – mostly on my phone playing silly games.  It is no wonder I don’t have time for anything else when I look at just how much time I have been spending on my phone playing games.  It’s easy and mindless and I have been using it as a way to just zone out at the end of the day.  It has been a way to slow my world down but it is not a way that I actually want to do it.

Of course all these realizations wouldn’t mean anything if I didn’t try to find a way to fix them.  It was time to sit down and come up with a plan so that I can live a life that is more balanced and healthy.  So that’s what I did tonight.  In true Jill fashion I created a spreadsheet to help me focus and bring order to my world.  It sometimes seems a little silly that I have to create things like this to get what I want out of my life but I guess if it works it shouldn’t matter how geeky it is.  Heheheh.  Here is a copy of the spreadsheet I created. 

	Food Plan	Exercise Plan	Chores	Fun
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday

I filled this little spreadsheet with the things I need, want and have to do.  I guess for me drawing it out lets me have something I can physically see and refer to which helps keep me on track.  It also helps remind me that it is possible to do everything I just can’t do it all at once.  My hope is that before long I won’t need to schedule my world but in the meantime I hope that it will help me find the balance that I feel like I’m missing.  I should also add that in part of my scheduling plans I have decided that when I get home from work my phone will get put out of reach so that I spend my time in more useful pursuits.

Along with creating a schedule I also came up with some new fitness goals to help keep me focused and working at the gym.  It puts a timeline on to a few of the things I have been talking about doing so that I can see where I’m going for the next four years and just why I’m doing all the work that I’m doing when I hit the gym.  Here they are:

•  2016 – 5K Canmore run, 10K Terry Fox, 2 other 5Ks (not yet decided on) and a Spartan race
• 2017 – 5K Canmore run, 10K Terry Fox, 2 other 10ks (not yet decided on)
• 2018 – Calgary Half Marathon
•  2019 – for my 40^th birthday I want to run hopefully a full marathon at one of the Disney parks.  The cool part of this is that I have never gone to any of the Disney parks because I knew that likely I wouldn’t fit on the rides and it would be a waste of time so not only will I hopefully do my first marathon but  would also get to spend a week riding every ride I possibly can.

So as crazy as it may seem I think I may have found myself some direction out of the crazy that has been my last month.  Sometimes I think you just have to take a little time to really think about and remind yourself what you want, what you are willing to walk away from and just where you want to go.  I don’t know if this is the answer to find more balance but I do know that tonight I feel a lot calmer and more focused than I have for the last month.

Summer Vacation Encouragement

One of my favourite motivational quotes (that I have shared before) is by C.S. Lewis and says “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.”  I found myself thinking about this quote a lot in the last week while I was on my holidays.  I have been writing and thinking a great deal about the changes that have been happening in my life while I have been working on my series about why this time is different (which you can read the last entry here) and while I take a break from that series for the week I do still want to share something equally as important.  This last week opened my eyes in a lot of ways at how different my world has become in the last year and a half.

Last July when I headed out to visit my parents I was training to run my very first 5K.  I made the decision that each day while I was on vacation I would go for a walk or run in a different location.  I managed to do this and it was amazing.  This year when I headed out I am again training to run the Terry Fox but certainly my training is a lot different.  I still made plans before heading out for what I would do for exercise and again I stuck to the plan.  Plans aside one of the cool things about these two vacations almost exactly a year apart is that I was able to make a lot of comparisons between the two of them which was incredibly motivating for me.  It proved yet again that all the small changes I have been making are adding up to big results.  I figured I would share a few of the things I noticed.

The first thing I noticed compared to last year was at how much easier it was to run.  Last year I was barely doing intervals and this year I was able to run full intervals throughout each of my runs.  I still find it hard to believe how far I have come in terms of running.  I owe a great deal of it to my trainer for suggesting I try training in a different way and it is working.  I’m running more and more each time I go out.  Another cool part about this vacation when it comes to running is that I think I finally found my pace.  I have been struggling with running outside because I struggle to find a pace I can maintain.  This was not the case while on holidays.  I suspect that because of the fact that I was carrying my camera and taking pictures on my walking intervals it made it easier for me to slow my pace down and be less competitive with myself. I won’t break any records but slowing down meant that basically I was able to interval for much longer periods of time more consistently.  I even very nearly was able to interval an entire 5K, which is something I have been working towards.  My pace is a lot slower than I would like it to be but I’m excited by how long I can keep it up for.  I know that as I continue my pace will increase I just have to keep working at it. 

The second thing I noticed was actually during one of my runs.  Last year I went on a 5k hike to one of my favourite places, the Kinsol Trestle.  This year I was determined that I would do the hike again only instead of walking it I wanted to run it.  I did and it was amazing.  Last year I remember how long that hike felt especially as we were making our way back to the car.  The weather played a part in that as last year it was a hot afternoon than we went.  This year the weather was a little more agreeable to me as it was a cool, wet morning.  As I headed back towards the car this time it was still felt like a long way but the difference was I was running intervals instead of dragging my feet.  I was feeling proud and strong instead of tired and cranky.  Sure it was still tough but the fact that I was running shows my ability to be able to push myself further.  I’m stronger and faster than I was.  The fact that it is still challenging is exciting because it means that I still have more to work on and more to improve which means I can continue to see growth when I do it again.  As soon as I finished the run I was already looking forward to when I would be able to run it again.

The third thing that was apparent is that as far as I have come I still have more to do.  Like the fact that Kinsol was still challenging I also found something else that pushed my limits.  I did a hike up Mount Tzouhalem with my Dad and it was tough.  According to my GPS watch the elevation change was 379 meters which is almost 5 times the elevation change that I had on my Canmore 5k which was about 80 meters different and you can read how challenging that was in this blog entry.  The hike up was tough.  At one point I remember the best I could do was take about 10 steps at a time before I had to stop and catch my breath.  As we neared the top there was also a point where I could feel the shake in my legs.  As hard as it was I still managed to get up to the top (not that I had any doubt I would because I’m stubborn).  Even the walk down was challenging.  I found myself feeling really tired as we came back towards the car.  It will be interesting to see how this improves over the next year or so.  As the weight comes off and my legs continue to gain muscle I suspect that this hike will get easier and easier.  Who knows before long I may try to run it or take up my dad on his offer (?) to hike it from the bottom up to the top. It offers me the chance to have something new to compare to for next time.

The last thing I wanted to share is just a photo.  When I was packing I purposely packed the same exercise gear that I wore last year (minus the shoes) with this photo in mind.  I knew that I was going to ask my Dad to retake the photo because I knew when I compared them side by side I could show just how much a difference small consistent changes can add up over time.  I have been asked lots of time what my secret is and what I’m doing and really what I have decided that it truly boils down to is consistency.  No matter what you do, no matter how small it is, if you do it day in and day out the changes will come.  It will actually start to feel like you aren’t doing anything special (or maybe that could just be me).  I think you just have to have faith in the process.  Trust that if you put one foot in front of the other enough times, even if you fall back sometimes, you will be carried where you want to go.  I still have a lot of steps to go but when I look at these photos and see my shrinking tummy, better fitting shirt and pants and my smile I know that I’m on my way.  

Why it’s Different This Time – Enough is Enough

This blog entry is part of a series I am writing specifically on my weight loss journey.  It is looking at why after years of trying I feel that this time it is different and I’m finally making it work.  I suppose another way to look at these entries is my guide to success (hopefully anyway).  If you would like to read more in this series please check out the following entry:

• Introduction 

*************************************

When people talk about changing their lives drastically they almost always have a rock bottom story or moment.  I never really had that when it came to my weight.  That changed however and I think now that I have a moment it is one of the major reasons that this time my journey feels so different.  I have a clear understanding of just how bad things had gotten.  I am no longer able to just accept the status quo when it comes to my weight.  I have finally reached a point where I am ready to make long and lasting changes even if they aren’t the easiest changes to make.  This entry has been one of the hardest for me to write.  No one wants to admit that they are in a bad spot or to own the worst parts of our lives.  I do know that I do feel a great deal of power and strength coming from the fact that I am ready to own where I am and have been in my life.  It is almost liberating to write about it even while being completely terrifying.  The memory of being at my worst helps drive me forward so that I can get to my best and that is what makes it very worthy of being a part of this blog as scary as it is to share.

Growing up heavy has played a huge part in why I think it has taken me so long to hit my bottom.  I have never known what it is really like to be a normal weight.  I have been smaller than I am now but when compared to other people I was always heavy.  It has never really bothered me.  I have always accepted that I was different.  Sure I wished I wasn’t bullied because of it and especially when I look back to junior high and high school being heavy had huge implications on my world but I don’t feel like it every really kept me down.  I never felt that my weight held me back from anything I wanted to do.  It did sometimes make it more challenging but I have always been able to find a way to make my weight work for me.  I learned to compensate for things like a wonky center of gravity or a tummy that gets it the way.  I just adapted to it.  I was always able to work out, never really experienced any major aches or pain and just generally have never felt pulled down by the weight.  I was happy with life and in reality didn’t see the need to change anything so even when trying to change it was hard to make anything lasting stick.  It sort of stems from the old adage if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

That started to change though.  Over the past few years I started to find that in subtle ways life was getting harder.  I was starting to lose the energy I had which was making even getting up and going to work more challenging.  More than the loss of energy though was the fact that I was also starting to actively choose to avoid doing things that would be more active.  If my co-workers were going out to lunch I would come up with an excuse because I didn’t want to walk the couple blocks to the restaurant.  If friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time wanted to meet up I would start to feel anxiety over it because of the fact I was getting heavier and worried they would judge me.  Most of all I was starting to look at myself through a negative filter - the same filter people had been applying to me for years.  All of this was starting to play on my mind.  I was starting to recognize that I need to make some serious changes but as much as I was starting to be unhappy with my situation none of this was really pushing me forward to make those changes.

This growing dissatisfaction though would add into the moment that became the final straw.  It was a moment that happened in July 2013.  Our office had been relocated to another building because of the flooding in Calgary in June.  The parking for the new building was at an overflow lot a few blocks away that they shuttled people to and from.  The shuttles they used were generally school buses.  I knew from past experiences that school buses are not designed for people like me.  I also knew that since the last time I was on a school bus I had gained weight.  This worried me enough that for the first little while I avoided the shuttle.  I walked the 10 minutes to and from work to the lot until one day when it was raining.  I decided to wait and take the shuttle rather than getting soaked.  I got on okay although it was a tight squeeze to get to the first row of seats.  When we arrived at work I waited for everyone else to get off because I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty when I tried.  I’m not graceful at the best of times but give me a tight space and any hope of grace is thrown out the window.  I got up and went to leave and couldn’t maneuver myself right.  Somehow I had twisted weird and pretty much got myself stuck between the divider that separates the door and driver from the rest of the bus which is just a little narrower than the aisle that leads down the bus.  I was mortified.  I panicked and had vision of having to be rescued.  I also flashed back to the old Winnie the Pooh cartoon where he gets stuck in Rabbit’s hole.  It felt like forever until I was able to push myself free and out of the bus.  The driver was super sympathetic and made some joke about the buses not being designed for adults which although I know it wasn’t his intention made me feel worse.  I was never more embarrassed than I was in that moment.  I also never got on the shuttle again for the next year and a half we were working there.

That moment changed my life.  I think it was truly the first time I ever actually saw just how big I had gotten.  The ability to shrug it off and keep on going was gone.  For the first time I had concrete proof that my weight was a serious issue.  It very literally got in the way and trapped me.  It was the first time I ever thought of myself as fat.  All the stuff that came before this moment could not compare to the depths of feelings I had in that one short moment.  All the shame and negativity others had directed towards me for years all swept over me and I felt all of it towards myself.  When I stepped off that bus I was at my lowest point.  I have never felt worse about myself.  It made for a pretty long day at work.  The good news is though that from that moment I knew that I had to make a change.  It was no longer an option to continue on as I had been telling myself that my weight wasn’t an issue.  I could no longer convince myself that I was okay.  I knew I had to use that moment to help motivate me.  It was shortly after all of this that I created my “move more” goal and ended up with my fitbit.

This moment has become a very real reminder for me.  Anytime I think about giving up or going back to my old ways I remind myself how I felt in that moment.  I remind myself that if I continue as I have always done that I will have more moments like that.  It has made it so that quitting is not an option.  I may not know what it feels like to be skinny but I sure know what fat feels like now and I would much rather choose the unknown than to experience more of that.  As long as I can remember that moment I know that I will always choose to keep pushing my journey forward.

Why it’s Different This Time – Introduction

I figure I’m overdue to do a series of entries again.  I had a lot of fun doing the series that I did last year leading up to my Terry Fox run because it gave me something to consistently write about.  I loved having that focus so I figured why not try it again.  I guess it helps that I have something to write about that as hard as I try I can’t sum up into one entry and something that is at least in my opinion worth exploring in multiple entries. 

As I get close to hitting an important milestone (50 pounds lost) I find myself starting to question my journey.  It comes from a little bit of doubt that is creeping into my world.  It also comes from spending far too much time reflecting on things I’m sure.  The question that I want to spend the next little while looking at is why this time trying to lose weight is different?  The reality is I have tried and failed many times before when it comes to losing weight but I feel like there is something different going on this time.  I think finding the answer to the question as to why it feels different will not only help cement that this time is going to be the time I find success but it will also let me share more of my story and my heart with anyone who wants to read it.

I don’t think it matters what the goal is or what the journey is there are aspects that are true to any of them.  I know for me the start of a journey or a new goal is always the best.  I am filled with excitement of doing something new.  I have faith that I can accomplish it even if I might not always realize what it will take to accomplish.  Everything is new and fun.  It is the fresh start you feel on New Years’ Day when the whole year lies in front of you ready to unfold.  In this first phase it is easy to rely on will power to get you through the hard stuff because you aren’t tired yet.  I have been in this first phase many times when it comes to losing weight.  Each time I start on a weight loss journey I am sure that it is the last time I will start the journey.  I’m full of determination, drive and hope.  I’m always excited for the changes to happen.  I also always commit a hundred percent.  I can’t imagine anything that will get in the way of reaching the end result. 

The first phase has lasted me anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.  Inevitably though the beginning excitement and drive begins to fade and the reality of what is in store for me sinks in.  I start to acknowledge how long my journey will be to get where I want to go.  Frustrations start to creep in usually because the numbers on the scale aren’t moving the way I want.  I also start to feel like I’m missing out on things in the rest of my life, especially things like spending time with friends.  The struggle and hard work required to achieve any goal really begins at this point. The ability to will yourself through the challenges becomes harder and harder.  This is also the point when the doubts become the loudest and in the past this is often when I have quit whether it comes from outright giving up or a slower process of quitting where I just stop trying and sort of drift back into old habits.

I have been in this middle phase for a while now.  I have experienced a lot of the frustrations and struggles that have often led me to quit in the past but I haven’t yet and I don’t actually see myself quitting this time around.  I don’t know that I have all the answers and I can’t see the future to know if I’m right when I say this time I’m on the right path and I will once and for all find my success.  I do know that even being stuck smack dab in the middle of this journey, as hard as it can be at times the desire to continue to move forward far outweighs the desire to quit.  I take that as a very good sign.  I also know that although my previous attempts haven’t been successful they have taught me a great deal.  They have helped me to learn the knowledge and the skills I need to help me find my success.  It is this knowledge and the skills that I have found in the last little while that I will be exploring.  They include things like my rock bottom moment, tools that keep me motivated and the importance of changing my thinking and attitude to name a few.  These are the things that are making this journey different.

I have to say that I feel incredibly blessed to have a space in this world where I can share and explore the things that I am learning.  It helps me to feel like I’m leaving a small mark on this world.  It inspires me to continue my hard work and to keep on sharing it all in hopes it will inspire others.  That though makes me remember the very first day I met my trainer when she asked me if I was ready to be an inspiration to people.  I giggled and said sure but at that moment I was terrified she was right.  Since then I have heard from people at the gym as well as people who have read my blog or my Facebook posts that I am inspiring them.  I am learning to embrace this which is part of why now I feel like I can write this particular series of blog entries.  Each part of why this journey is different that I’m about to share I have tried to write at one point or another but have struggled with because it is some of the hardest things I have learned and some of the things that are at the very soul of the journey I’m on.  It terrifies me to share them but at the same time I hope that maybe someone will find something in my story that will help them find their own story and their own success.  If nothing else it gives me a spot that I can turn to when I am doubting what I’m doing and remind myself of all the reasons why I shouldn’t doubt that this time I will get everything I am working so hard for. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love, support and encouragement that is shared my way.  It means more than I can express in words (although I will try to soon.).  Please look for my next entry next Sunday.

My Weight Loss Story

I have been re-reading a lot of my old blog entries and I realized it has been a long time since I really wrote about my story.  In fact I don’t think I have really written specifically about my weight loss story since I first started this blog and that was a long time ago.  I have talked about things I have learned along the way, things I have accomplished but not a lot about the journey as a bigger picture.  This seems to be coming up a lot lately and I have also been thinking a lot about it probably because I have been sharing it so much.  Every time I share even part of my story it has such a positive effect on me.  It reminds me of where I am, where I came from and where I’m going.  It seems like a pretty important thing to write about so here it is.

I have been heavy all my life.  I don’t remember anything different and throughout the years I have gone through periods of wanting to lose weight, periods of not caring and even some where I was actually able to lose weight.  The current arc that I am on of this journey to lose weight actually started forever ago in March 2009.  It’s hard to believe it was that long ago but I still remember the day when I rejoined Weight Watchers like it was yesterday.  It was a hard day for me because when I got on the scale I was at the highest weight I had ever been.  I had gained all the weight I had previously lost a few years before and then some.  I was embarrassed and ashamed.  I was mad at myself and devastated that I had undone all that I had done previously.  It was not my best day.

After that weigh-in I made two vows to myself.  The first was that I would never be that heavy again.  I was wrong on this one.  I was not able to keep this vow but I’ll write more on that in a few.  The second vow is the more important because I have kept true to it since.  I vowed that no matter what, I would not quit or stop going to Weight Watchers and six years later I still have broken this vow.  That is why I consider my journey, this version of it, truly starting in 2009.  It is true when I made that vow that I had planned to reach my goal weight much quicker but I don’t consider the time wasted by any means.  A lot of people have questioned my stubbornness with staying at Weight Watchers when it wasn’t working but what I tell people is that I know it works and I know it will work, I Just need time to make it work for me.  In the end I actually hope that all I have learned in the last six years will help other people move through their own journeys much faster.  I do know that trying to change your whole life, your beliefs, habits and knowledge takes time.

Anyway from 2009 through to 2011 I was making very slow progress.  I lost just over 30 pounds and made huge changes in my lifestyle especially around my habits.  In this time period I learned that for me this was going to be a slow process.  I don’t make changes quickly but when I do make them I make them permanent.  I did my research and slowly started to work through the process of changing my life.  Change is not the easiest thing for me to accept and I knew that the only way I could make things really work for me was to take the smallest of baby steps.  I knew that if I just kept moving in the right direction that the weight would come off. 

In this time I mostly focused on my food.  I worked to change the things I was eating.  I started to try and cook more and eat out less.  I started to read everything I could on food and quickly learned everyone has an opinion and often the opinions are opposite.  This is when I decided that whatever I was going to do for weight loss that it was going to have to make common sense.  I have never been one to jump on any fad diets but I knew that just because I wanted to lose weight didn’t mean that I should start now.  The choices I began to make had to make sense to me.  I still apply this logic (faulty as it may be) to my journey even now.  This is also why it takes me a while to work through things and make changes. 

I was on the right path but then the unthinkable happened.  In August 2011 my world was shaken to the very core when I lost my best friend to a heart attack.  I had lost people in my life before (grandparents, uncles and a cousin) but this was the first time I lost someone that I was extremely close too.  Will was 25 years older than me so logic said that at some point I would lose him but there is no preparing for the shock.  Will’s death set me on a destructive path that I didn’t even fully see until after.  For the next year I did everything I could to avoid dealing with my emotions.  Thankfully I am not typically an emotional eater otherwise things could have been much worse; instead I started to keep myself very busy.  I took very little time for anything that was for me.  I stopped caring about a lot of things for that year.  At the time though I convinced myself I was fine and dealing with it. 

The clue that I wasn’t dealing well with everything should have been the scale.  Each week I went and weighed in and my weight would go up one week and down the next and was bouncing all over the place.  The problem was that it was trending very slowly up.  I managed to gain the 30 pounds I had originally lost and then another 20.  The other problem with such a slow climb is that it is easy to overlook or excuse.  I am great at ignoring things sometimes and it was easier to ignore the fact my weight was coming back and that I was missing my best friend than it was to deal with it.

In May 2012 I drove down for a memorial to Will in Des Moines.  This was the start of me coming out of the funk I had been in.  It was also the start of me realizing that I was in a funk. I had a lot of time to think on that trip (5000km in a little car by yourself will do that) and I knew I had to change things.  When I got back from the trip I made the decision to once again start working towards losing weight and becoming healthier.  I still had a lot more to deal with though and for the next year I struggled with my weight bouncing up and down.  My weight change in the next year was minor, only maybe the final 5 pounds I gained by the time I hit my highest weight in September 2013.

By the time I hit my highest weight I was starting to experience something I had never really had to deal with.  I was starting to find that my weight was getting in the way of things.  I found that I was getting tired super easy.  I had no energy to do anything.  I even had to skip test driving a brand of car I had thought about because it was not built for me.  Although I had always been heavy I can honestly say that I had never felt like it was getting in the way until that year.  It was frustrating and I knew that I had to make a change.  I knew that to keep going this way was not a way of life.  It was certainly not the life anyone (my family, Will, other friends) had pictured for me and certainly not the life that I wanted for myself either.  I knew it was time to kick my weight loss into high gear. 

I knew that the key to that was going to be moving since I was already doing well with my food.  So I went out and bought my Fitbit.  If I wanted to move more I had to have a way to be able to track that I was doing it.  I started walking, first just on commercial breaks but soon that expanded to getting up and moving more at work.  I even started walking on some of my lunch breaks.  With the help of another friend I started to see the potential for me to do more.  I started to think about trying to run.  The last year has been me working towards that goal.  Since then I have done two official race 5Ks and a whole bunch more Sunday morning runs.  I have been learning strength training.  I have also met a whole new world of people who are willing to cheer me on and support me.  I can honestly say that I am the most active I have ever been.

While this arc started in 2009 the most significant changes have happened in the last year.  I still have a very long way to go but I am putting all the pieces together.  I am getting the tools I need and starting to wrap my head around all that I need to do.  I’m starting to make serious progress that has me down almost 50 pounds (47 to be exact).  I see my future more clearly than I have ever seen it before.  The future I see is one in which I am healthy and active.  One in which I will be able to help people find the best out of their lives.  I am happier than I have been in a very long time.  My confidence is growing as is my belief that I can do this.  My weight loss story will continue until I get to a healthy weight but even after that it won’t be done.  Weight will always be a struggle but with all that I have learned and all the support I have found I know that it is a journey I am happy to be on for now and forever.

A Pep Talk to Myself

This entry started as I finished my 5K run this morning.  I wasn’t going to actually write and post it but as the day has gone by I realized that everyone needs to give themselves a pep talk now and then.  What surprised me though was the timing of my need for a pep talk but upon reflection it makes sense and even taught me a lesson.

This week was an amazing and surreal week.  Everyone wants to celebrate with me and the fact that I accomplished my 5k run last week.  People are praising me and excited for me.  It’s a lot of attention for someone who has spent most of her life trying to go by unnoticed.  I have been surrounded by so much positive energy it has been beyond words.  Added to all of this the fact that I went clothes shopping and all the shirts I bought were 1 size smaller than the last time.  It left me feeling pretty excited and proud of myself. 

I discovered the flip side to all this good energy and excitement.  After a week of hearing how good I am and how proud people are of me I would be lying if I said it didn’t start to go to my head a little and had me feeling a wee bit over confident.  I was pretty sure that today I was going to do my 5k run in under an hour and I expected it to be easy.  I mean after the challenge of the Canmore course how hard could the fairly flat pavement of my local park be?  I put on one of my new shirts and laced up my runners and headed out.  I started strong but by the second and third kilometers the usual doubts and struggles crept in.  My calves began to burn, my back felt tight and my breathing was a challenge.  I have come to learn that this is pretty normal for me and generally I can get through it and keep going.

Today it got to me though.  I quickly got lost in my head.   I found myself doubting all my progress and all the work I have done.  I was wondering why it was still so hard and thought about just cutting the run short.  I was able to talk myself out of quitting though.  I told myself that as long as I kept moving and could do the 5k I was still on the right track.  By the last kilometer I gave up on even trying to run and just walked.  I was mad at myself for giving up and not pushing harder and as the 1 hour marked past I was even more frustrated because today was supposed to be the day I was going to post that I succeeded in my goal to get it under an hour.  I started to feel sorry for myself.  The crazy thing in all of this is that I still finished the 5k in a decent amount of time (1h 6m 42s – which is still my second fastest time).

When I got to the car and plugged my iPod into my car the Miley Cyrus song The Climb came on.  Sometimes I think my iPod just knows what I need to hear.  It is one of my favourite songs on my workout playlist (don’t judge and even if you do I don’t care…hehehe).  Coupled with the run and the frustration I was feeling it made me realize something.  The reality of this journey is that running, working out and even eating properly are probably always going to be a challenge for me.  It is easier for me to choose to be lazy and to eat junk then it is to really choose to live a healthy life.  It is that challenge though that makes things like last week’s race so special.

The harder it is, the more you really have to want it.  The more you want it the more you push to get it.  There have been very few things in my life that I have ever wanted as much as I want to be healthy and fit.  I want it to so much that I see myself as already there.  I forget sometimes that although my heart and soul say I’m an athlete, my body still hasn’t caught up yet.  That doesn’t mean that it won’t, it just means that I have to keep working at it.  Each day I make the right choices, each day I lace up my runners at the gym and each day I run or walk any distance are all days that are bringing me closer to the athlete that lives in my soul.

There will be a day in the not too far off future where I will actively seek to make my runs harder and where I will be able to run like all the people that seem to do it with ease that I envy.  I suspect (okay I know) that even when I’m at that point, I will still have days like today where things just don’t click, days where I end up feeling sorry for myself and frustrated with my progress.  I will try to remember though that it will pass.  I will reach the next goal and set a new one.  I will celebrate and stall out.  It doesn’t matter how easy or hard it is or what gets in the way (including my own brain) as long as I just keep tying up my shoes, putting one foot in front of the other and going for it. 

“There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there

Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side

It’s the climb” – Miley Cyrus – The Climb

Rocky Mountain Soap Women’s Run

I had planned to write this entry on Sunday night, however the day proved a little too emotional and exhausting which meant that I had a hard time putting my words into any sort of order.  As great as Terry Fox was (which you can read about here) this race had a much bigger impact on me.  I have decided to do something a little different with this entry.  What is going to follow is actually my journal entry from the 24^th.  As I mentioned Sunday was pretty emotional so I will add in the missing pieces to help me create the complete picture and try to make coherent some of the rambling.  The entry was written in three sections and large parts of it were written with tears running down my face.  I will keep the journal entry in black with anything I’m adding in red.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 1

It is race day and of course my body figures 5am is a good time to wake up.  I’m excited and nervous.  My tummy is full of butterflies but I’m ready and determined.  I am just going to try and remember that for every uphill there will be a downhill.  As long as I keep moving I will be kicking ass. (By the end of the race I was arguing this point.  Logic says since we ended at the same spot we started that up and down balanced out but it sure felt like there was a lot more up than down.) 

My goal today is to have fun, do my best and just enjoy the day.  Canmore is beautiful.  I’m with friends & doing something I enjoy.  Today will be awesome.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 2

I survived.  It was way harder than even I could have expected.  There were a couple of quite intense hills.  It was really hot.  I did it though.

I had one scary moment after the race.  I was eating a cookie and suddenly felt horrible.  I’m pretty sure I was close to passing out.  I got tunnel vision and the world got hazy.  Apparently I also got quite pale.  We moved to the shade and Tracy got me water.  It was pretty scary but I guess it shows I left it all on the trail.  (Well at the very least I worked hard and pushed myself harder than I have ever pushed myself before.  I suspect it was a combination of many factors but I will never forget that feeling or how grateful to all of my friends for making sure I was okay.)

It was an emotional run.  As we were getting close to the end I started to get choked up.  Someone yelled ‘you are almost there’ and I just had this wave of emotion.  I actually had to slow down and stop on the hill because when I start to tear up my throat gets super tight and trying to climb a hill as you are doing that is a bit challenging.  This was the only time I actually had to stop on the race so I could catch my breath and get my head right so I could keep going.  Then as I came around the last corner to head towards the finish line I saw Daisy’s (my trainer) friends, Anna and John with a sign for me.  As I looked down towards the finish line getting ready to run to the finish I was greeted with a huge surprise.  Anne and Rose (two friends from work and part of my theatre crew) were there with signs and hats and I started crying.  I felt so loved it was amazing.  As previously noted I can’t cry and run at the same time so I walked across the finish line but I will remember that moment anyway.  It was worth the minute or so it probably cost me on my time.  I have said it before I have the world’s best friends!

Just after I finished a stranger came up and gave me a huge hug.  She told me she finished last in the 5K last year and that she has since lost 125 pounds.  She came over to congratulate me and tell me she was proud and that I could do it.  It was such a very cool genuine moment.  (It was also a little strange for me.  I’m not used to hugging random sweaty strangers but she was very lovely.   This journey has offered me such a great opportunity to meet people.  It is helping me be more open to so many experiences and just embrace them for what they are.  It is showing me that for all the people who have called me names, made fun of me or anything else that there are just as many amazing people ready to cheer me on and encourage me.  I truly feel blessed and amazing.

As hard as today was I can’t wait to do it again.  I didn’t run as much as I had hoped or planned but I do think I beat my Terry Fox run time although I don’t know for sure yet.  I am so proud of what I have done.  I’m only going to get stronger and better.  It is such a weird mix of emotions.  I’m happy, sad, tired and proud.  It is such a huge accomplishment.

The next little section is written to my friend Will who passed away in 2011.  Anytime I do amazing things he is never far from my mind.  I miss you Will and wish you were here to share this.  You were the first person to really believe in me and the first to convince me that I am special and capable.  You opened the door for this journey.  I will forever be grateful of that.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 3

The time is in.  It took me 1 hour 13 minutes and 1 second.  I can’t help but be proud of that.  It was 3 minutes faster than Terry Fox and the course was way more difficult.  We ended up doing the same trail as the strollers which apparently is a much harder race because you have to climb up again before the finish line.  I am truly just happy that it all worked out.  I will get faster and stronger.  I do have to say as much as I question my sanity during the run I do truly love this.  I don’t know I like running so much but I have never felt anything else like it.  I can’t wait until I can just relax into the run and go.

Anyway I’m exhausted, sunburnt, and pretty much ready for bed.  My brain isn’t making much sense anymore. 

I am so glad that I signed up for this race.  I knew it was going to be challenging and I do very strongly question the course description that lists “moderate hills” but I wouldn’t change a thing.  It was tough enough to make me want to keep improving myself but I still manage to at least accomplish one of my goals (to be my Terry Fox time) so I still get that rush of pride.  I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me next. 

Here are a few photos from the race.  Before sharing the photos though I would like to say thank you to everyone who have supported me on this journey so far.  Thank you to all my friends, old and new.  A special thank you to Rose, Anne, Anna and John for coming out with signs to cheer me on – it made my day.  Also a special thank you to the stranger that shared her story with me – it is so inspiring to know other people are doing this journey too.  Most of all I want to thank my trainer.  She not only showed me a new way to train to run but she has also talked me through many challenging moments including Sunday’s race.  Daisy has helped me come a long way in the last 6 months.  I am grateful and blessed for all the people I have in my life.

My crazy trainer and I pre-race.

Two of my longest friends - Kendall, Tracy and little Grayson.

Rose, Daisy, Me, Anna, John, Tracy, Kendall
Anne, Grayson

Rose, John, me, Anne, Kendall
Anna, Daisy, Tracy, Grayson

I love these shots together and how much better my shirt fits now.  As soon as I put them together I felt a huge wave of pride and accomplishment.  You can do anything if you put your mind to it.

Ready or Not…

It seems like ages ago that I got up on January 1^st and registered myself for my next 5K run.  I decided it would be the first thing I was going to do in 2015 as a symbol of how I planned to spend this year – being active.  Well 5 months later I’m only a few days out from running my second race ever.  Tonight I have been thinking about the last 5 months and know that there is nothing else I can do now to change the outcome of Sunday’s race.  Ready or not this race will be run. 

I have to say that I feel a lot more confident going into this race than I was going into the Terry Fox, last September.  I have been incredibly blessed with a trainer who has been super willing to find answers for me when she isn’t sure of the best way to train me.  (I mean it’s not every day someone my size says hey I want to run, how do we get me there…thank god for her patience.)  When I started telling her about my struggles with running and my desire to have a training plan she found answers and came up with a plan.  The day she presented it to me I looked at her like she was nuts.  She proposed a plan in which I would run at a snail’s pace for 30 seconds and then walk for 30 seconds and repeat.  As the weeks would go by I would increase my running time.  To say I had major doubts is probably an understatement.  I left telling her I was doubtful it would work but that I would at least try it. This was and so far is the only time I have ever really second guessed my trainer.  I didn’t think it was possible to do such short intervals and be able to keep my breath and not want to die.  I’m glad to say I was proven wrong and I have never been happier to eat a little crow and tell her I was wrong.

The last couple of months have been following her plan and working my way up not only to longer run intervals on the treadmill but also to running longer distances every Sunday when I hit local parks to run set distances outside.  The results have blown me away.  I went from hardly being able to do intervals outside on my first couple Sunday’s to now running almost all of them.  Outside I’m still doing 30 seconds on and 30 off but the consistency is night and day to what it was.  In the gym on the treadmill I have been able to increase my interval time to 45seconds on and 30 seconds walking which means I’m officially running more than I walk.  This thrills me in so many ways.

Having spent the last few months working so hard on training I feel super excited to see what Sunday will bring.  When I signed up on Jan 1^st my original goal was that I would run the 5K in under an hour.  When my trainer gave me my new training plan I decided to change that goal because running at a slower pace I didn’t actually expect that it would be possible plus I had major doubts with the terrain of the run.  So I changed my goal to just run more than I walk since the last race I did I walked way more than I ran. 

Now at the end of the training I once again am looking at my goals.  On Sunday I ran my fastest 5K yet.  I finished the training run in 1 hour 3mins and 19 seconds.  I was so close to being under 1 hour that it is all I have been thinking about since Sunday.  I’m trying to keep things realistic and know that my run is taking place in a location that will have hills, which I have done some training on but it’s not my strongest strength but there is a part of me that can’t help but hope I can pull off this run in less than an hour.  That being said I figured it was worth sharing my goals.  So here is what I hope to accomplish on Sunday.

1. To consistently run my intervals as much as possible.  I may not be able to do the whole 5K alternating 30 on and 30 off but it is my plan to run as many of them as possible even if I’m only just barely jogging.  The struggle will be in the 2^nd and 3^rd kilometers.  These are typically the kms where my brain likes to try and get in my way.

2. To beat my Terry Fox run time.  I finished my first 5k in 1 hour and 16 minutes.  I will consider this race a success even if I do it in 1 hour and 15 minutes.  There is some fear that with the hills I will actually have a longer time and if that happens I will be a little crushed but if I have done the first goal I will still be happy and proud of all that I have done.

3. My third goal is not so much a goal as a dream.  I would really like to finish my 5K in under an hour.  If I had run all my intervals last Sunday I would have finished in under an hour of that I’m fairly confident.  I’m counting on the fact that I will have my trainer with me (because she is awesome and signed up to support me) and the adrenaline of the race to help push so that hopefully I can push through the hard spots and kick some ass.  If I don’t accomplish this 3^rd goal I will still be over the moon excited with my results but this would be the icing on a pretty fabulous cake if I can do it.  I might even have to reward myself with a piece of cake if I do this ;-)

Whatever happens on Sunday I know that I have given my all so that I am as prepared as I can be.  I have worked hard and consistently for more than a year and have been specifically training for this race for months now.  Since completing the Terry Fox I have gotten stronger, more confident and gained more skills to help me on this journey.  I am also carrying 25 less pounds than I did the last time which helps.  I am so proud of myself.  I keep reminding myself that no matter what happens on Sunday I will still leave that race a winner.  

One of the photos from a 6 month photo session to help document my journey

One of the photos from a 6 month photo session to help document my journey

Photos taken by HelloLuv Photography