A Pep Talk to Myself

This entry started as I finished my 5K run this morning.  I wasn’t going to actually write and post it but as the day has gone by I realized that everyone needs to give themselves a pep talk now and then.  What surprised me though was the timing of my need for a pep talk but upon reflection it makes sense and even taught me a lesson.

This week was an amazing and surreal week.  Everyone wants to celebrate with me and the fact that I accomplished my 5k run last week.  People are praising me and excited for me.  It’s a lot of attention for someone who has spent most of her life trying to go by unnoticed.  I have been surrounded by so much positive energy it has been beyond words.  Added to all of this the fact that I went clothes shopping and all the shirts I bought were 1 size smaller than the last time.  It left me feeling pretty excited and proud of myself. 

I discovered the flip side to all this good energy and excitement.  After a week of hearing how good I am and how proud people are of me I would be lying if I said it didn’t start to go to my head a little and had me feeling a wee bit over confident.  I was pretty sure that today I was going to do my 5k run in under an hour and I expected it to be easy.  I mean after the challenge of the Canmore course how hard could the fairly flat pavement of my local park be?  I put on one of my new shirts and laced up my runners and headed out.  I started strong but by the second and third kilometers the usual doubts and struggles crept in.  My calves began to burn, my back felt tight and my breathing was a challenge.  I have come to learn that this is pretty normal for me and generally I can get through it and keep going.

Today it got to me though.  I quickly got lost in my head.   I found myself doubting all my progress and all the work I have done.  I was wondering why it was still so hard and thought about just cutting the run short.  I was able to talk myself out of quitting though.  I told myself that as long as I kept moving and could do the 5k I was still on the right track.  By the last kilometer I gave up on even trying to run and just walked.  I was mad at myself for giving up and not pushing harder and as the 1 hour marked past I was even more frustrated because today was supposed to be the day I was going to post that I succeeded in my goal to get it under an hour.  I started to feel sorry for myself.  The crazy thing in all of this is that I still finished the 5k in a decent amount of time (1h 6m 42s – which is still my second fastest time).

When I got to the car and plugged my iPod into my car the Miley Cyrus song The Climb came on.  Sometimes I think my iPod just knows what I need to hear.  It is one of my favourite songs on my workout playlist (don’t judge and even if you do I don’t care…hehehe).  Coupled with the run and the frustration I was feeling it made me realize something.  The reality of this journey is that running, working out and even eating properly are probably always going to be a challenge for me.  It is easier for me to choose to be lazy and to eat junk then it is to really choose to live a healthy life.  It is that challenge though that makes things like last week’s race so special.

The harder it is, the more you really have to want it.  The more you want it the more you push to get it.  There have been very few things in my life that I have ever wanted as much as I want to be healthy and fit.  I want it to so much that I see myself as already there.  I forget sometimes that although my heart and soul say I’m an athlete, my body still hasn’t caught up yet.  That doesn’t mean that it won’t, it just means that I have to keep working at it.  Each day I make the right choices, each day I lace up my runners at the gym and each day I run or walk any distance are all days that are bringing me closer to the athlete that lives in my soul.

There will be a day in the not too far off future where I will actively seek to make my runs harder and where I will be able to run like all the people that seem to do it with ease that I envy.  I suspect (okay I know) that even when I’m at that point, I will still have days like today where things just don’t click, days where I end up feeling sorry for myself and frustrated with my progress.  I will try to remember though that it will pass.  I will reach the next goal and set a new one.  I will celebrate and stall out.  It doesn’t matter how easy or hard it is or what gets in the way (including my own brain) as long as I just keep tying up my shoes, putting one foot in front of the other and going for it. 

“There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there

Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side

It’s the climb” – Miley Cyrus – The Climb