A Little Off Kilter

This week has been an interesting week that has spawned a lot of talking and a lot of journal writing so I figured it was probably worth sharing.

This week started off the same as any other week but I just didn’t feel myself.  There was nothing physically wrong that I could put my finger on, no major stress or really nothing out of the ordinary going on and yet all week (well okay at least Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday) I felt out of sorts.  Silly things were getting to me like the hum of the new air conditioner they put in our office or the fact I left my phone at home going to the gym Wednesday night.  It’s just those little things that make you feel like you are slowly going a little nuts.

This all came to a head in last night’s personal training session.  I walked in and warmed up like normal.  I chatted with a few of my favourite regular gym buddies and waited for my training time.  Wednesday’s is always one of my favourite nights because it is the night that my trainer and I do strength training.  I have learned that I completely love lifting weights.  I generally leave feeling strong and very bad ass.  Last night though I wasn’t feeling it.  I wasn’t upset or sad or happy or excited.  I was just there.  The reality is that if I hadn’t had a training session I probably wouldn’t have even gone to the gym.  The session itself was tough.  It was the first time we worked for a solid 60mins without any major chat breaks.  The exercises were nothing really that I hadn’t done before although in some cases we added weight but certainly nothing I couldn’t handle.  I expected to be able to just put the effort in and get through it like any other week.  That was not to be however.  I was blown away when sheer emotion swept over me. 

The first moment I really noticed the emotion was when I went from doing chest presses right into a set of single arm rows.  As I transitioned to the rows I suddenly felt like I wanted to cry.  I had to actually fight the tears back.  Luckily focusing on lifting the weight helped refocus my brain and chase the tears away.  I was also a little terrified to cry on a weight floor full of teenage boys and strong men.  It made me think of the moment in A League of Their Own where Tom Hanks says there’s no crying in baseball only of course in my head it was there’s no crying on the weight floor.  hehehe

As we moved to the next set of exercises I was faced with the negative voice that sometimes pops into my brain.  We had been doing sumo squats with a kettle bell and then doing step ups with a weight.  I did the sumo squats without a problem (I have grown to really love squats) but when it came to move to the steps my brain started screaming that my legs were too shakey to do it and that I couldn’t do it.  As my trainer told me to go I froze.  I looked at her and told her straight up that my legs were arguing and it took me a minute but I was able to tell myself I could do it.  Each time I came to the steps ups I had to tell my brain to shut up. 

The last moment that really got to me was as I went to do these push ups.  They aren’t hard but we do a push up on a bar that runs around the track.  As I push up I push back and off the bar.  As we went to do them for a second set I felt like I was going to cry.  Again focusing on the exercise chased them away but it still is crazy to me. 

The negative voice isn’t new to me.  I know that I’m always going to have to deal with it.  I think we all do.  Telling it to shut up was fairly easy for me.  Of course it helps that my trainer also started chanting that I could do it.  When I have someone cheering me on it is much easier for me to tell myself that I can do it and believe in the power of what I’m doing.  Even when my trainer said on my last set I only had to do 10 per side instead of our normal 12 I still did 12.  I did battle with that negative voice and again proved that it doesn’t know anything.

The wanting to cry was a bit strange to me though.  Normally if I’m going to cry I know why - usually it’s the result of a sappy movie or a moment of self-pity or maybe just a moment of feeling lonely - but the weird thing last night was there was no reason.  I just felt the tears well up and want to spill over.  I was feeling any specific emotion but yet I still wanted to cry.  It was a new experience for me.

As crazy as the last few days were and especially last night I did learn a few things about myself.  The first is that sometimes you just need to have an emotional night.  It might feel a bit scary but sometimes you just need to let it sweep over you.  I woke up this morning and felt refreshed and ready to start over.  It was like everything that needed to be released was let go of last night. 

The second thing I learned about myself was a reminder of just how tough I am.  I think sometimes I forget that I have power within me that can get me through anything.  I have spent a large part of my life taking the easy way out and just doing enough to get by so fighting my way through the hard stuff last night felt really empowering.  Last night’s work out because of the emotional factor was one of the hardest I have ever done but I got through it.  I fought against the tears and the negative voice and came out the other side.  Not only did I accomplish everything my trainer asked but I was able to find focus and determination that I don’t think I really realized I had.  I am one strong cookie and I look forward to the next time I have to prove it to myself.

The reality of the journey that I’m on to lose weight and change my life is that nights like last night are bound to happen.  I knew when I made the decision to change my life that it was going to be a battle.  I’m going up against a lot of years of bad habits but I know that slowly I will change and replace them all with habits that support the life I see in my future.  My trainer likes to say “it is already done”.  It is anything that we have set our minds to.  The biggest part of the battle is making the choice to take the first step.  For me what this means is that although I’m still moving through this journey I already am at the end of it.  In my head I’m there I’m living the life I want.  I just need to wait for my body to catch up with what my mind and soul already know.

I Am A Gym Person!

I’m not sure when it happened but I realized today as I was driving to the gym that I have become a “gym person”. 

A gym person to me is someone who is always in the gym.  It doesn't seem to matter when you go they are already there and they always stay longer than you do.  They seem to know everyone and you can tell that they are enjoying what they do.  They know how to use all the equipment and they don’t seem to have any doubt that they should be there.

When I started at the Y I was only going on the weekends because my weekdays were spent at the gym at my workplace.  So when I would come in Saturday morning, I would hop on the treadmill and just watch.  No one knew me because I was only there one day a week.  I felt like an outsider and like I didn't belong but at the same time I felt a great deal of envy for the ease with which the regulars seemed to move around the gym.  They were intimidating and inspiring all at the same time.  I didn't know how they got there but you could tell they belonged.

Well somehow over the last year, I think that I have become one of those people (although hopefully not intimidating).  It amazes me to think how much my life has changed in the last year.  I love going to the gym.  I love how no matter what I’m doing when I am there that I leave feeling empowered, strong and confident.  Who knew something as simple as small piece of plastic (my gym membership) could have so completely changed me?  I do know and realize that I owe some of the change to personal training but that is a topic for another blog entry (which is proving far harder to write).

One of the biggest changes that has happened is how much I love going to the gym.  It is actually really hard for me to miss a day.  When something comes up and I do have to miss a day I try my best to make it happen on one of my rest days.  If I can’t do that I try to get out and at least go for a walk at lunch.  There was a time where I lived for the days when I could do nothing and now I struggle with them.  Being active truly has become more than just a goal to work towards.  I really make every effort to live it now. 

Something else that has surprised me is my confidence at the gym.  I don’t feel like an outsider anymore.  Sure I’m still not the smallest or most fit person there but it doesn't matter anymore.  When I walk into the gym I feel like I own the place.  I have often told my trainer that I feel like a rock star.  I stand tall and move with confidence.  My normal shyness doesn't seem to exist when I’m there.  I will talk to strangers, looking them in the eye and all with ease.  It feels like I really have become a whole new person.  I’m not trying to hide anymore.  For once in my life I want people to notice me and they are – and not because I’m the big girl trying to work out but because I’m the big girl who is changing her life.

Another thing that has really surprised me is something I didn't expect and not even something I really noticed but something my trainer pointed out.  The harder the activity or work out the bigger I smile.  When she told that to one of the other trainers, who we were talking with, I started to realize something else – I love to be challenged.  I love doing the things that people have said I can’t do or that I have even told myself I can’t do.  The harder it is the more I want to tackle it.  I love the feeling I get when I push myself and the gym has given me so many opportunities to prove that I am more capable and stronger than I could have ever have imagined.  Nothing feels impossible when I’m at the gym.  I go each day (especially training days) and am excited to see what new thing I can try.  I love every minute of it.

I don’t know if my experiences are unique but I do know that I get how people can become gym people.  The atmosphere, the support, the challenge and the instant gratification that comes from doing something new – it all helps to create a place that lets me feel amazing.  It is a place that is letting me grow into the person I have always wanted to be.  It is a place I once feared but now embrace.  So I will proudly claim that I am now and hopefully will forever be a gym person.