Nan's Memorial

A lot of people have been asking for a copy of my poem and memorial speech so I figured this was probably the best way to share it.  Before doing that though I just want to thank everyone for all your love and support.  It has been a hard few weeks, in a lot of ways it still doesn't seem real. I know that it is going to take a long time before this new world feels normal, but I also know that I will carry Nan with me forever.

Anyway here is a copy of the speech and poem I wrote.  The service was simple but good.  It was a great chance for our family to get together and share memories.  Giving the speech was hard.  I still don't know how I held it together but I'm proud I could do it for Nan.  I share it now as a way to keep the images of her alive.

As one of Nan’s grandchildren I feel honoured to have been able to have her in my life as long as I did.  There are so many memories and stories I could share.  One of my favourite will always be the day my brother and I tried to bust mom.  We had learned that Mom used to stop on the way to church to buy treats with some of the money that was supposed to be donated.  When we went to tell on her, Nan stopped us in our tracks when she admitted to doing the same thing.  We all laughed and joked about this for the rest of the night.  It lead to a night of sharing stories which was often the case.

Nan was an amazing storyteller.  I loved listening to her stories, especially the ones from when she was younger back in England and her experiences during the war.  I think her love of stories is part of why I have always wanted to create my own.  Nan was a big supporter of my writing and always told me how proud she was of it.  Her support has always meant a great deal to me, I’m just a little disappointed she won’t be around when I finally get published.  In her honour though I wanted to do something special, I wanted to pay tribute to her with my words.  When I sat down to write, a free verse poem emerged.  That is what I would like to share with you all now.

I close my eyes and can see you clear as day

Coming out of your kitchen

Carefully carrying tea and cookies to share

An apology always given for the quality or quantity

But we never cared

I close my eyes and can see you clear as day

Sitting in your rocking chair

Stories and conversations being shared

Sometimes old, sometimes new

Always told with flare

I close my eyes and can see you clear as day                      

Standing in your garden

Stray weeds snatched up and tossed away

Leaving room for your veggies and flowers to grow

Filling us with their colour

I close my eyes and can see you clear as day

Framed by curtains, looking out your window

Arm raised and sending us off

Full of love and joy of a night well spent

Waiting for us to return again

I close my eyes and clear as day

I see all the memories and images left behind

The hope and love you filled our lives with

A legacy of strength, independence and pride

Big shoes to fill until we meet again.

I love you Nan.  My world is forever changed for having you in it and having you leave it.  I will strive to live up to the belief you had in me and will cherish your memory always.

Remembering a Remarkable Woman, my Nan!

Nan with her kids, Gwen, Jacquie, Chris, Geoff

Yesterday my family lost its matriarch.  At 97 years old my Nan was the strongest, most amazing and beautiful woman I have ever known.  I can’t believe that I will never hear her call me “Jilly Willy” or “her Willy” again.  It’s hard to imagine that I will never have her remind me how I used to go around asking her to pull up my cars because she used to always tell me to pull up my trucks (pants).  It is an end of an era and my heart is broken, as it is for my whole family.  I wanted to take some time to remember her and honour her the best way I know how through my words and photos. 

My Nan lived a spectacular life.  At 97 years old she has lived through so many of the things I have spent years studying.  It boggles the mind when you start thinking about all the ways life has changed during her lifetime.  Think about the way we talk and communicate with people.  Now we just pull our phones out of our pocket and send a text and can connect with someone instantly.  We can also dial that same phone and hear their voice.  Distance doesn’t matter.  You can connect to your family where ever they are fairly quickly.  When she was growing up and moved to Canada this wouldn’t have been the case.  Long distance communication could have only really been done by letters which would take weeks or months to arrive.  Another one that always blows me away when I think about the changes she has seen is travel.  When she moved to Canada she had to take a boat and a train and it took many days.  Now we can fly to England in a matter of hours.  Some of my favourite memories of Nan are when it was just she and I and we would talk about these changes.  She would tell me stories about growing up and even what Calgary was like when she first moved here all over tea.  As intriguing as these changes are to me and how  much it amazes me to think about the things she saw in her nearly a hundred years on earth what is more important though is the life she led, which was equally amazing.

She was born in England and moved to Canada after World War II.  She had four children, my Aunts Gwen and Jacquie, my Uncle Geoff and of course my mom, Chris.  Her children have gone forth and created an even bigger extended family.  I’m hoping that my counts and numbers are right, but hopefully family reading this will understand if they are wrong.  By my count Nan has ended up with 10 grandkids, 12 great grandkids, 3 great great grandkids with another on the way.  So without Nan our world would be short 30 people, including myself.  That is pretty darned impressive.  It also means there are a lot of broken hearts now mourning her passing.

I think my Nan was also one of the bravest people I know.  She met my granddad during the second world war when he was over in England with the Canadian army.   They met on a train.   Granddad convinced her to go out with him (and she even stood up another guy to meet him for that date).  Falling in love with him and marrying him meant she joined many other women and became a war bride.  After the war was over she moved across the world with two small children in tow by herself.  It meant a long boat ride and then a trip on a train across Canada before she arrived in Calgary where my Granddad was waiting for her.  She would have had to make new friends and create a whole life for herself, which of course she did in droves.  I can only imagine how hard it must have been to be away from her own family as she was trying to raise hers.  To move away not knowing when or if you would be able to come back shows amazing courage and faith.  It impresses me so much mostly because I can’t imagine ever putting myself in that position.

Another one of the qualities I most admired in my Nan is her independence.  She lost my granddad nearly 30 years ago but that didn’t seem to slow her down any.  She continued to live in the same house by herself right up to the very end.  Not only was she living on her own but she was also still gardening which was one of the things she loved right up to the end as well.  She lived her life on her terms and that is pretty special.  I feel that I got my independent streak from her.  When I think of all the things she did on her own it makes me feel like I can do anything.  Her blood runs through me.  If she could do it then so can I.  She was an amazing role model for living life the way you want to.

I could write pages on all the things I loved about my Nan.  I also could write even more pages on the memories I have.  As hard as the last few days have been it has also been wonderful taking the time to really remember all the things that I shared with her and that our family shared because of her.  Many of my memories are probably universal across our whole family, like spending time with her around her little living room sharing tea and cookies.  But as I move forward processing this huge loss in my life there is an image that I am holding in my heart, an image that I know I share with all of the family, it is the image of her standing at her front window with the curtain drawn back waving to me as I drove away.  It’s a simple image but one that I have known all my life.  She has always done it.  Well now it’s our time to wave goodbye to her as she drives away.  I don’t know how long we will be separated for but I know at some point she will welcome us back.  In the meantime she will be making heaven beautiful with her new English garden.

Thank you Nan for all you have given me.  Thank you for the love and support you have always shown.  Thank you for being an amazing role model.  Thank you for all the memories, stories and moments we have shared.   You have a piece of my heart.  Keep it safe for me until we meet again.

Nan on a chicken farm in England

Nan and Granddad on their wedding day

Nan at the side of her house

Nan and Alaska in 2013

Nothing says Nan more to me than her rocking chair, her smile and a cup of tea.

Nan and me 1979

Nan, Granddad and me sometime in the early 1980s

Nan, mom and me in 2003 at my university graduation

Nan and me in 2013 or 2014

One Reason to Love Entertainment Expos

I spent this past weekend hanging around the Edmonton Comic and Entertainment Expo having a blast.  It was a trip that I hadn’t planned on making and had lots of little hiccups leading up to it but once I got there things got fun just as they always do at the Calgary Expo.  I had some amazing moments like putting on my Expo shirt and realizing I need to stop asking for the largest and start asking for a size (the largest was too big…woo hoo!).  I also had some great moments getting autographs and photo ops.  I mean seriously Christian Slater was there!!!!!  What sticks out from the weekend though is a conversation I had with another favourite guest, Ted Raimi.  I spent some time writing about it on Saturday evening and will try and put it into coherent form now.

When I went to get Ted Raimi’s autograph we started to chat about conventions and how cool it was to have a place where you could go and just love what you love and know that you will find other people that love it too.  It was a short conversation but of course it stuck with me because although there are many reasons that I love both the Calgary and now Edmonton Expo, one of the biggest is how I feel when I’m at them.

Typically I avoid places like the Expo.  Anywhere there is a gather of lots of people tends to put me on edge because it usually means I’m going to have to deal with stupid people who think it’s fun to make rude comments about my size.  I have thick skin and have put up with this for years but I will still avoid situations that make that likely.  So while my friends had started going to the Calgary Expo before me and tried to convince me to join them I avoided it.  Eventually though my inner teenager gave in because Calgary Expo kept bringing guests that I had crushes on and so I had to go.  I went prepared to deal with the stupid but was pleasantly surprised when by the end of the whole weekend in spite of being surrounded by thousands of people I never heard one negative comment or saw one negative look.

This didn’t really resonate with me that strongly that year, although I did write about it in my journal, it was noticed.  It wasn’t until the next year when I went and enjoyed the weekend again and still nothing.  It was then I realized just how special Expo was.  I have now gone to 7 conventions (5 in Calgary, 1 in Edmonton and a really small one in Des Moines Iowa) and it has been the same at each one.  You go in and it doesn’t seem to matter who you are you are accepted.  Everyone is there to have a good time and enjoy the things they love.  You get to be surrounded by people who like the same things as you which means you can strike up a conversation in any line.  I have also learned in a lot of cases it makes it easy to talk to the guests that I love too.  Expo is a very accepting place.  It always leaves me feeling amazing, happy and full of many great memories. 

There are many reasons to love and check out a convention and the acceptance is just one of my reasons (cute boys are totally another…hehehe).  I do find now that I actively encourage lots of my friends who have never gone to go and check it out.  I always tell them that it doesn’t matter what you love you will find someone else that loves it too.  You will get to talk to people you may never have talked to before.  You become bonded by a shared experience.  I love that and want other people to experience it.  I really do look forward to that feeling every year. 

Oh and anyone wondering about some of my other memories and moments I am working on another entry to be posted soon.  I realized that I also didn’t write about Calgary this past April and now with Edmonton I have lots to share.  This year has been pretty amazing in terms of moments with some of the media guests that came out.

The Power of a Schedule – A Check In

It has been 4 weeks since I posted my blog entry about my new schedule.  When I wrote Time – NonRenewable Resource although I was excited about it, I don’t think I realized how amazing I was going to feel following it.  I feel incredibly happy and proud of it.  I have been sharing my thinking and planning with lots of people and I truly feel like for me it has been one of the best things I could have done.

In the past four weeks I have been sticking fairly close to the schedule.  There have been a few hiccups where things haven’t gone quite to plan and I have also learned what works and what doesn’t.  It has all been an interesting part of seeing what schedule my time would actually be like.  Overall I have to say I’m thrilled with how it is working.  Having a schedule has been helping me make the most of my non work time and is helping me to feel like I’m a more rounded person.

The most surprising result that I have noticed in the last four weeks is that I no longer struggle with feeling like I should be doing something else.  Pre-schedule when I was doing one activity, like scrapbooking, I would often feel like I should be doing something else, like going to the gym.  I was feeling pulled in too many directions and like I didn’t have time for any of it.  It was a weird version of guilt.  With the creation of the schedule I’m finding that now I don’t feel that same pull.  Having a spot for all the things that matter means that when I’m doing something I can focus on just that and know that later I will have time for a different activity.  It takes any guilt out of doing the things I love because no one should feel guilty for doing the things they love.

Another thing that has been really fantastic about the schedule is how much I’m getting done.  In the last month I have spent more time with friends, done more hikes (6 hikes – 3 of which were on the same day), completed more scrapbook pages (I wish I had counted how many), read more books (3 –so close to one a week that I want), written more words, and even got to the gym more than I have ever before.  Then thrown in were a few things that although planned were not technically on the schedule, like Globalfest fireworks.  I feel really productive and can see the progress I’m making in all the things I love.  It actually amazes me when I think about how much I have gotten done.  It not only makes me feel good but it has also helped to keep me feeling grounded and centered.

Another benefit to having my schedule is that I have been making myself look for new things to do and places to go.  Sunday is my adventure day.  The only goal I really have Sunday morning/afternoon is to get out of my house.  In the last four weeks I have gone to some different farm markets, went to a pig farm and gone hiking.  It has been really cool to get to see things around my province that I hadn’t seen before.  I’m also already looking ahead to winter and what I will fill my Sunday’s with as the weather turns bad.  I know that this will be a little bit more challenging but I will figure it out I’m sure.  Heheh.  It is amazing when you start looking for things to do what you can find.  It is also amazing that even though I have lived in Calgary my whole life there is a lot of things I have never done or thought to do.

One last thing that I have seen that may not be directly related to the schedule but likely helped by it, is that out of the last 4 weigh ins 3 of them have had me with a loss on the scale.  It does make sense though the scheduling would help.  I mean I’m making time for the gym and food planning and prep which is a huge part of giving me success.  I’m also happier and more fulfilled in other ways so I don’t need to turn to food to make me feel better.  I’m also doing less mindless tv watching which always seems to get paired with mindless eating.

There has been some learning to come out of the schedule as well.  In the past few weeks I have noticed that I need to tweak a few things.  The first thing I have to tweak is my scheduled writing time.  I need to add in some evening time for my writing.  My morning writing sessions have been great for getting my novel organized (ie. fixing timelines, clarifying characters, ect) and to get my head back into the time period but they have not been as good for actually writing much in the story.  I definitely find my creative energy is higher later at night.  So my new schedule will flip one of my two sessions into an evening session.

The other thing I realized that I have to tweak is my meal planning, grocery shopping and meal prep.  My current schedule has me doing meal planning on Saturday and then shopping and prepping on Sunday.  Since my Sunday is my adventure day the thought was I could grab groceries on the way home and then prep in the evening.   The problem is my adventure day has been longer than I thought it would be and I have been coming home more tired than I figured I would be.  The solution will be to move at least the grocery shopping to Saturday. 

The last thing I have noticed is that while I was planning I left out a little of my non work time.  I completely forgot that Monday to Friday I have an hour where currently I have no plans.  I have decided that in my new schedule I will also come up with some things for my lunch hours at work.  It will give me 5 more hours in which I can get in activity or maybe do my meal planning or just read a bit more. 

All in all I have been really pleased with what having a schedule has done for me.  Sure there are times when I still choose to do nothing but at least now I know what I’m giving up if I go that route.  It has been quite motivating and freeing.  I don’t have to waste valuable time trying to figure out what I should be doing.  I always know.  The last four weeks have renewed me.  It has shown me that you really can do everything you want (even if you can’t do it all at once).

Losing Weight Can Suck Sometimes

I consider myself to be a pretty optimistic person.  I can usually find the silver lining to most things but lately I have been struggling with that when it comes to my weight loss journey.  I have had a whole slew of negative feelings, thoughts and actions creep in to my world when it comes to my weight loss journey.  I have been feeling like a rebellious teenager fighting against her parents only in this case my parents are all the changes I have made to fix my world.  So this blog entry is a straight up list of complaints and negative garbage that is in my head.   In writing it down it takes the power away and helps me look at it from some distance so that I can keep this weird backwards slide I have been on from going any further (or at least that’s what I hope anyway).  Essentially this is my entry to myself that lets me bitch but then ends with me pulling on my big girl panties and doing it all anyway.

Things that suck about trying to losing weight:

1. Having to pay attention to your food all the time. 

I feel like my life revolves around food which is probably half the problem.  Planning and prepping healthy meals takes a huge part of my “free” time and I resent it.  Sometimes I downright loathe it. 

2. Not trusting your body especially when it comes to hunger signals.

Having to ask yourself am I hungry or is this something else is enough to drive anyone crazy.  There are so many reasons I think I’m hungry and probably only a small fraction are because I’m actually in need of sustenance.   

3.  THE SCALE!!!!!!!!!

Yes it is just a number and it shouldn’t define you but it does.  No matter how much you don’t want to care about it and try to focus on the other ways things are getting better that stupid number still exists. 

4. Having to buy clothes

This shouldn’t suck but it does.  Every time I go shopping I have anxiety because I don’t know what size I’m going to be (pretty sure the sales people hate me to because I have to grab two or three of everything).   Oh and also the cost of clothes, seriously I don’t have enough money to keep myself in good proper fitting clothes.  Oh and the fact that your favourite clothes that you spent good money on start to look horrible.

5. Having to schedule my world around the gym.

I love the gym don’t get me wrong but there are times when I hate the fact I have to go.  Early mornings alarms, skipping favourite tv shows, or missing out on stuff with friends are all the bad side of having a regular gym routine.

6.  Giving up chips

Yep chips get their own spot because I curse them and the fact I can’t have them.  They are the only food I can actually taste without having.  I crave them.  I dream of them.  I can’t buy them because I have no control with them.

7. It doesn’t happen overnight

Seriously why aren’t I done yet?  

Time – Non-Renewable Resource

It happens every so often that I will read a book that will stick with me in some way.  Usually it is a fiction book that is particularly well written but sometimes non-fiction sneaks on to the list of books that have changed me.  This list is filled with book that change the way I look at things or think about things.  They are books that force me to question myself in some way or another.  The most recent book to make this list is “What the Most Successful People do Before Breakfast” by Laura Vanderkam.

I was given this book for Christmas from my Dad.  I know it is totally not your typical Christmas gift and Dad even felt the need to justify giving it to me by saying ‘I know you already do a lot of this but I thought it was a great read’. Well Dad you were right.  It is a great read and although I do some of the things she suggests already, I still gained a lot more out of this book.  This book in fact made me take a look at how I currently live my life.  It made me question a lot of my assumption on living a fulfilling life and the time it takes to do it.

Essentially the book, which actually has three short guides to time management, boils down to we only have 168 hours in a week and we only have a finite number of hours in our lives.  Laura Vanderkam offers a lot of ideas and suggestion on the best way to structure our days to ensure that we can get the most of what we want in life in those given hours.  If you are struggling to figure out how to be able to not only do the things you need to do but also the things you want, I totally suggest giving the book a read.  This entry is not meant to be a book review though, what I really want to talk about is the changes it has helped me to make.

The first thing I did when I finished reading this book was to sit down and make a list of the things that I really want to be doing with my days but feel like I don’t have enough time for.  It will be no surprise that the list included more reading, writing, scrapbooking, working out, cooking and spending time with friends.  These are things that I love to do but often find I don’t have time to do them.  These are things that leave me feeling happy and complete.  They are things that I want to make sure I always have time for because they are what bring me joy but that I had been struggling to make time for.

The second thing I did was to commit to tracking my time for a week.  I tried to track everything in 15min intervals as Laura suggested in her book.  There were sometimes I had to fake it because I forgot or wasn’t sure on the timing but I got it done.  I tracked 168 hours of my life.  It was eye opening.  I always knew I had a tendency to waste time doing things like playing games on my phone or mindlessly watching tv but it was crazy to see just how much time I was using on that.  One of the most interesting things to me on my tracking was the amount of tv I watch that I didn’t even particular like.  We all have shows we love but how often do we watch other things just because the tv is on.  I was blown away by how much of the time that is the case for me.  It was easy to see that although I think I don’t have time for the things I love that I certainly have opportunities to find more time to give to them.

The third thing I did was to create my own list of dreams.  She suggests that everyone should sit down and come up with a list of 100 goals you want.  She said to include personal goals, travel goals, professional goals, ect.  This was harder than it seems.  The first maybe 30 were really easy but it got harder and harder.  Mine started off with a list of places I want to travel and novels that I want to finish writing but by the end of the 100 it included a lot more smaller goals like hiking Mt Prevost to see the war memorial or reading Moby Dick again.  What I found most interesting about this list though was that it really brought into focus the things that I really want to be doing.  It really helped to cement the things that I want to do in my life both big and small.

With those three things done I set out to create a new schedule for myself for my non work hours.  I set aside time in my schedule to do all the things I wanted to do as well as things that I needed to do.  I knew when I was going to be doing everything from dishes to meal planning to going to the gym.  It was a work of art in time management as far as I’m concerned.  Hehehe!  I was excited to try it out.  I got to do exactly 4 days of it before the request came at work for someone to change to the later shift to help out with phone coverage.  Since no one else volunteered I offered to change my schedule from an early start back to a later start.  I had done the later shift before but had switched to the early shift to avoid some of the traffic.  Switching back to the later shift meant I had to go back to the drawing board on my new schedule.

Now you would think that shifting things would be easy.  I had my hours figured out with the early work shift and it seemed to flow perfectly so it should be easy to transition to a schedule where I start an hour and a half later but just moving everything later.  That was so not the case.  I was surprised at just how wrong that thinking turned out to be.  It is truly amazing how if you change one thing how it completely forces your hand to change everything.  It took a little figuring and a week of trying out a few things to see if things like an early morning session at the gym would work out (pun not intended but hehehe).  I had to get creative with my time and things couldn’t always be scheduled when I would want them but I made sure that I still got everything in.  I once again got to feel excited that I had a plan.

With everything figured out I knew I had just one more task to do.  I knew to help make it stick I needed to write it down.  So I quickly sketched it out with ink first.  Then in true geeky fashion (and because I love a good list) I created a word document that I could print and post.  As of this weekend (well a little bit last week as well) I am officially on track with my new schedule.  I’m excited for what is to come, not because of the fact my life is scheduled, but because of the doors this opens for me.  I now have time in my life for things that I have long said I don’t have time for (dating, hiking) and I have time in my life for the things that will help me achieve some long term goals (running a marathon, publishing a novel).  I feel like I will finally be making most of the time I have been given and there is something really amazing about that. 

Weekday schedule

Weekend schedule

As scheduled as things now look, I actually feel like I have gained a lot of freedom.  I have culled the big time wasters from my life and filled it with things that really make me happy.  We only have so much time in this world and this whole process helped me to make sure that the hours I do have will be used doing things that really matter to me.  Will stuff still come up that will get in the way – yep of course.  Will there still be days that I waste the time I have – yep I have no doubt of that either.  Will this help me find peace with the fact we only have limited hours – it totally already has.  I can’t wait to see when I look back six months from now, what I have been able to accomplish on my goals now that I have a clear focus and plan to achieve them. 

I can do all things I just can’t do all things at once!

Comfort Zone

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” is a quote that I very much try to live by.  I also believe that the only way to grow and move forward is by pushing yourself out of the comfort zone as often as possible. 

For years I went with the flow and moved through my day to day life doing what I knew, what was easy and what was comfortable.  Life was going well and I couldn’t complain but I started to feel like I wanted more which is when I started to look at my life and decided to try and live with no fear.  This was the start of me learning how to push myself outside of what is comfortable.

Fast forward a few more years and here I am still trying to live by pushing my boundaries.  It is not an easy way to live.  It actually is really hard to always look for boundaries to push through and past. What was once uncomfortable and hard becomes the new normal and if you aren’t careful you are back into a new comfort zone.  I find this especially so when it comes to exercise.  It is really easy to fall into a routine that will get the job done but might not be as challenging.  I have come against this a lot in the last couple of years especially since I really do enjoy routine, repetitive workouts that I can predict and know how my body will react to.  It helps get the weight off and helps build my muscles but it doesn’t really help me grow.  So with wanting to push my boundaries at the gym I decided to join a registered fitness class.

When it comes to working out there are a few things that have always made me nervous.  The first is working out around people.  The second is not being able to do something.  The third is the worry about being judged.  These three things all played major factors in my nervousness to sign up for any classes.  Add to that the fact that being social can be its own challenge for me; group fitness was definitely not something in my comfort zone.  All of these things are why I decided to sign up and just do it.  I knew it would push me out of my comfort zone in major ways.

I do have to admit that I did this whole thing in baby steps.  Part of the reason I think I was able to push this boundary was because my trainer who I had already been working with for a year at the point I joined was the teacher of the class.  She let me drop in and try a couple out and promised that she would help me modify as needed.  She was also amazing enough to let me steal some of her time before the class to go over what was going on so that I could feel a little more prepared going in.  It let me step out of my comfort zone with like my baby toe instead of just jumping out of it.

I have now down the winter and almost finished the spring session of the class and I have to say for the most part I love it.  One of the main reasons that I love it is that even 6 months later I still find that it challenges me every week in different ways. 

Physically it is something different each week.  It is always a hard workout and I have learned that I push myself differently (harder I guess) when there are people around.  I want to prove to myself and to those around me that I’m just as capable as any of them to be able to do whatever exercise that gets thrown our way.  I have done things in that class that had I been given them by my trainer in our one on one sessions I’m pretty sure I would have talked myself and her out of doing.  (Sometimes you just have to shut up and try something before you fight against.)  I have seen a lot of physical growth in the class.  I’m doing things that when I came to the first few I couldn’t.  I am stronger and more able to keep up.  It is true I still need to modify a lot of things but I’m there every week doing my best to keep up.

Socially this class has helped me become more comfortable at the gym working out with people.  The group that does this class are all fantastic wonderful people.  They have been amazing to me since day one.  They have shown me nothing but support.  I still struggle a little sometimes chatting as we wait for class but that is easier as well as I get to know them all better and better.  It has been a great reminder that sometimes the biggest social barrier I have is myself.  If I remember to just be me I get along with most everyone. 

What has been most surprising to me though is how mentally challenging doing this class has been.  This is the one area that I feel like I struggle the most with.  It has actually become the reason I really go to class each week.  I have a very strong perfectionist streak in me.  I get very frustrated with myself when I’m not perfect.  Nothing sets the negative voice off in my brain faster than when I have to do something different than everyone else in class.  It drives me nuts when I can’t do something or can’t find a modification that is close enough that I’m still doing something similar to everyone else.  This has had a couple surprising effects on me.  First it keeps me pushing so that I can get better.  I want to be able to be like everyone else in that class.  I want to be able to do all the exercises and not have to worry about how to tweak it for me.  Second it keeps me recognizing and working on that negative voice.  It is always like a little battle but I always come out feeling stronger for having fought against it and being forced to remind myself that in spite of the challenges the class throws at me I’m still there and doing it.  I’m still getting a great workout in before a lot of people are even awake.  As frustrating as it is, it is also quite affirming.

All in all I’m extremely happy with what has come out of doing my Saturday morning class.  I feel stronger in so many ways.  I have gained a better level of confidence in not only my physical abilities but also in my ability to be able to push myself.  I feel like I can walk into that room each week and hold my own with some pretty talented and fit people.  Pushing myself out of what I know has kept me more open to change.  I think I’m becoming more adaptive and less rigid…although I still have a lot of work to go on that too.  hehehe

I am going to continue to try group fitness.  Of course in the desire to push myself a little more the next goal is to try and do some of the drop in classes at my gym.  They are much bigger and with instructors I don’t always know but I think that I am at the point at least for some of the classes that I know I could do it.  I’m looking forward to a summer of trying to keep pushing myself and my boundaries.  I have big plans for the next 6 months and going forward.  I’m just going to keep on seeing where this journey will take me.

A very proud moment outside of my comfort zone when I learned to trust my body can hold my weight on a physio ball

Not all that attractive but the perfect example of me being able to push through my comfort zone and learn new things

My lovely trainer always pushing me further than I think can go because she believes in me more than I believe in myself sometimes ;-)

Rocky Mountain Soap Woman’s Run 2016

It has been a long time since I felt like I had something to really share in my blog but I had to write about my latest run.  A year ago I did my very first official timed run.  It was a challenge that I wrote about here.  On Sunday I went back out to battle against the course again in what turned out to be an eye opening day and race.  I think this will be a race that I look back on and see as yet another turning point in my journey.

Leading up this race I wasn’t feeling very confident about it.  I definitely didn’t train as much in terms of running leading up to it as I did last year.  My lack of confidence in my ability to do really well meant that I went in with no expectations.  I just wanted to go, have a good time, hopefully run a little and finish.  I knew that I could do the distance but the question was how much I was going to be able to run.  I had vivid memories of the hills and in spite of doing a little hill training I wasn’t feeling confident in my ability to be able to do any better on them.  The last few months have been filled with good intentions but for various reasons my follow through has not been quite up to par, but I will write about that in my next entry. 

The morning of the race I woke up at the crack of stupid (515am) with my usual nerves and excitement.  I was ready for the race to start and be done.  I was in a bit of a weird head space though.  I found myself thinking back over everything and seeing all the things that I hadn’t done in the last few months and was stressing myself out.  I had to take a little time to refocus my brain because I knew if I went out in that state I really would have a hard time of it.  I took a little time to think about the things that I had done right and tried to remind myself that I can’t change the past anyway.  It showed me though that as much as I tried not to care about the race that a part of me, the competitive part of myself, was disappointed in my prep.  This was a huge realization to me.  This was the first time I ever looked back on my journey and really felt like I could have and should have done more.  It helped me set my mind that next time I would try a little harder so that I wouldn’t feel disappointed in myself.

When the time came for the race I wished the two friends, who had surprised me last year, good luck as they decided this year to join me on the walk.  Shortly after they headed out, my trainer and I joined the mass of people moving through the start gate.  The nerves and jitters disappeared.  I settled in to the task at hand and began to walk the race.  Knowing that I didn’t have any concrete goals for this race I made the decision that for this race I would run all the downhill sections.  It may have been a late goal but at least I had something to work towards as I moved through the course. 

Once again this year the positivity that filled the trails was amazing.  So many people cheered me on as they passed by.  Telling me good luck and saying they were proud of me.  It is an incredibly uplifting experience to have so many people cheering you on even as they do their own race.  I was in a great mood and as I moved through the course I could feel that my legs were stronger than last year and the course wasn’t as draining.  Some of that was definitely due to the fact the temperature was a much more pleasant cooler running temp.  LOL.

I managed to jog down all the hills although a couple of the longer ones I didn’t get to quite finish out the whole hill before I had to stop.  I was slow to go up the two major hills on the course.  My breathing was a challenge (which it has been since I got sick last Feb/March) and unlike last year I did have to stop a couple times to actually catch my breath.  It was a little mentally frustrating because in some ways it felt like I was failing.  After though looking back on it I know that a lot of my struggle was because I wasn’t prepared.  It will be better if I do it again next year.

As the race came to an end I did jog across the finish line.  My calf cramped up and threatened to drop me but I pushed through and across the finish line. As I hit it I felt the wave of emotion that I’m coming to expect when I really push myself.  It was fantastic.  I felt the tears well up in my eyes and got a huge rush of pride.

In the end my finish time was 1 minute slower than last year.  I completed the 5k in 1 hour 14 minutes.  I’m actually okay with the slower time for a few reasons.  The first being I was taking photos along the track this year and the second being that I know I ran more than I did last year.  I’m also happy because when I looked at my watch tracker the 1^st, 2^nd and 4^th kilometers were all about 12:45 long which means I have finally found a steady pace.  Last year each km got slower and slower.

In the aftermath of the race, after lunch, I was able to sit down and write in my journal.  I found it very emotional.  I was filled with an overwhelming sense of pride.  I am always proud of what I do and the previous races I have done but I don’t remember ever feeling it at the same level as I did this year.  Maybe it was because my expectations were low or I didn’t really think I could do it but did anyway but for whatever reason I feel like this was the most proud I have ever felt.  I think it was also the first time I really felt like a runner at least during a race.  The last three I have done were definitely more walks than runs. 

This 5K was truly fantastic for me.  It relit my fire and desire for more.  It helped to refocus me and I feel like I have a much better vision of where I want to be going.  This race opened my mind to what is possible and to how much it matters to me.  I want to do better and can’t wait to do it again soon.  In the meantime though here are a few pics from the race.

Rose, Anne, Daisy and myself in a pre-race selfie

More than half way there

The last km always feels the longest - especially when there is a big hill still to deal with

Anne, myself, Daisy and Rose - Woo hoo we made it :-)