A Personal Weight Loss Milestone

Today was an emotional and exciting day for me.  I achieved a personal goal that has been a long time in coming.  In August 2011 I lost one of my best friends, Will, and although I couldn’t see it at the time the year that followed was incredibly hard for me.  I continued to go to my Weight Watchers meetings but my heart and soul wasn’t in it and slowly over the year that followed I began to put on weight.  In May 2012 I went to a memorial for Will in Iowa and during the long drive there and back (5000km roundtrip) I spent a lot of time thinking.  By the time I got back home I had made the decision to change my life and get back on track.  Well it has taken me two years to finally be able to write this blog entry but as of today I am officially back below the weight I was when Will died.  It has been a long journey but I have never felt prouder of myself than I did this morning.

 

It hasn’t been the easiest of journeys for me.  In fact I have never really struggled to lose weight when I’m working out and following plan but it has been different in the last couple of months.  I have been getting close to this milestone since Christmas.  I was able to get within about 2 pounds of it but then would have a set back and I would gain a few pounds.  It went back and forth like this until I went on a small trip to Kingsfold with a friend.  It is a retreat center where you can go and disconnect from things like electronics and focus on yourself.  The second night I was there I went for a walk and found a quiet bench to sit on.  I felt like Will was with me, which is something I hadn’t felt since he died, and in that moment I realized something.  I wasn’t hitting my weight loss goal because part of me wasn’t really ready to let go of it.  I gained that weight as a way to deal with my grief and letting it go was like really letting go of my best friend and saying good-bye.  As soon as I realized that, something clicked in my brain and I knew it was silly.  Since then minus a couple of small gains my weight has been slowly going down again including today where I hit the goal.

 

At my Weight Watchers meeting today, my leader asked how it felt to finally reach this goal and I got choked up because it was a huge weight off my shoulders.  Letting go of the weight is also letting go of any grief that might still be sticking around.  I will always miss Will.  My life was forever changed because I had him in it.  He taught me so much about myself.  He showed me that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am not for the person I think people want me to be.  I know now though that moving on with my life is not letting him go but it is finding a way to honour him by reaching for all my goals because he was always my biggest cheerleader and that’s what I think he would have wanted for me.

 

Reaching this milestone is just one of the many that I have to mark this journey I’m on but it feels huge.  I still have a long way to go but finally I feel like I’m back on the track I was before my world derailed.  I know that there will still be bumps and curves in the track but I have also learned that I can handle it.  I am learning to trust my instincts, my body and my mind and as long as I keep listening I know they will guide me where I need to go.  I also know that as long as I’m working towards the things that matter most to me, Will would be cheering me on.  He only ever wanted me to be the best that I can be and I am finally doing it.

 

I used this quote in a blog I wrote about Will, I think it came from a card but I wanted to share it because it rings true to me today more than ever, “When a good bye is so unexpected and sudden, when the pain seems unbearable and the loss impossible it is the wise heart that knows that sometimes it has to look back and remember in order to look forward and hope.”

 

Related Blog Entries:

Remembering Will

I'm Back

A New Mission: 35 Firsts

I love setting goals for myself which probably isn’t a shock if you have been reading my blog this year.  There is something very satisfying about having a purpose, something to work towards and although I tried to fight against it for a long time I have come to realize it really does help to make me feel good.  It helps keep me moving forward and working to live the life that I have always wanted.  So it is with this in mind that I came up with a new mission as a way to celebrate my 35^th birthday.  Between now and my 36^th birthday I am going to try and experience 35 firsts.  I’m not sure if it is possible but I’m excited to try and really even if I don’t succeed I’m still going to have a whole bunch of new experiences to add into my world.

This whole mission came about after having a conversation with my Nan.  She is 60 years older than me (making her 95).  When I was visiting with her shortly after her last birthday she said how she got all these cards about turning 95.  I proceeded to tell her that she was wrong she was only 94 to which of course she assured me she was in fact now 95.  The reason for the confusion is that I was positive I was only turning 34 this year.  Somehow I had lost a year and/or forgotten my last birthday.  That realization made me want to do something special this year so that I would remember it.

The thought was still running around in my mind as I was working on finishing up some work on my photo-a-day project from last year.  As I looked at all the photos and the stories I had written I was getting to re-experience some of the cool things I did last year.  I came to the conclusion that part of what made last year so cool and special was I had a lot of firsts – everything from getting both writing and a photograph published to driving to Vancouver to see a concert to trying a world of new food tastes as I explored vegetarianism part time.  When I look back on my journal for last year I realized that although I still had ups and downs over all what I had written was generally positive.  Through my journal I could also see how much I had discovered about myself, my thoughts and my beliefs which I contribute to the many experiences I had.  It just seemed to make sense that opening myself up to new adventures again would probably be a pretty good thing.

Thus the idea was born – 35 firsts before my 36^th birthday.  My small list of firsts that I started to create once I made the decision has all sorts of things on it from locations I would like to see but haven’t to things I want to do but haven’t done and even some foods that I want to try.  I want to grow and explore and learn as much as I can so I can continue to find my place in this world.  It is a desire that has been growing in me as I continue to lose weight.  I no longer want to be defined by how I look or the limitations I have so I guess it means I have to figure out just how I want to be defined.  So I will strive to push the boundaries of my box and my comfort zone but trying new things.

I have a feeling that the next year in my life is going to be the best one yet and I can’t wait to share it with everyone.

Dwarves and Elves and Hobbits Oh My…My Top 5 Memories from the 2014 Calgary Expo

In case you didn’t figure it out from my last post Lessons Learned fromCalgary Expo, this year’s Calgary Expo was amazing.  When I compare my notes to the things I had written in my journal last year or the year before I have to say that this year blew the others out of the water.  The funny thing is my expectations going into this Expo were that it was going to be a much quieter journey.  As with past years I was excited that I was going to get to meet a long time crush (Bill Paxton) and thrilled to be getting to meet an author who greatly inspired the first short fiction stories I ever wrote but other than that as cool as all the guests were I wasn’t fangirling over the list.  That all changed the minute I walked into my first photo op and for the rest of the weekend I was just as excited and thrilled to be there as any other year and by the end of the first full day there Friday I had already decided that this was the best Expo yet. 

All ready for a weekend of crazy!

Over the four days I managed to squeeze in 8 photo ops, 10 autographs, 2 Exposed events and 9 panels (thank god for my VIP ticket).  It was busy and at times overwhelming but each night I fell asleep with a smile on my face.  Of all the things I did and saw I picked the top 5 memories that even a week later are still running through my mind and figured that I would share them.  As I get ready to create my scrapbook these are also the memories that will end up highlighted in the pages of this year’s book and the ones that will keep me in anticipation for what will unfold in 2015.

 

5. Meeting Bill Paxton 

              In the midst of my boy-crazy teen years I remember watching Apollo 13 for the first time (because a boy I liked at the time loved the movie) and deciding that Bill Paxton was kind of cute.  I had seen him in other movies before Apollo 13 but this was the first time I started to develop a crush on him.  The crush was cemented when Twister came out.  I have no clue what it was about that role but I was done.  Well after years and years of having a crush on him since then I knew that I couldn’t pass up the chance to meet him this year.  Unlike past years meeting the guys I had crushes on though I was determined that I would come up with something interesting to ask or talk about when I got his autograph.  I hoped that in planning maybe I could come off calm and collected rather than like a crazy fangirl.  I decided that it was a good idea to play to my strengths and fascinations so I figured it was a great chance to say something or ask something about the Titanic.  Knowing that he has actually gone down to the shipwreck amazes me because it is something I would love to do and after watching his panel I knew it was something he had good memories and associations with.  So first thing Saturday morning I waited patiently in line for my moment to meet him and get his autograph.  My stomach was in knots from excitement/nerves and probably a little because I didn’t really sleep very well Friday night.  When it was my turn I walked up trying to remain cool but Bill threw me for a loop.  Rather than asking for my name he asked what I wanted on my picture and I went silent (I also probably had the deer in the headlight look as I tried to process what he had said).  It was like he had asked the question in another language and at that moment my brain was just not willing to actually figure out what he had asked.  In true Jill fashion I felt my face grow hot from blushing and I started to giggle and panic a little (I really do struggle with trying to remain cool).  He then asked me what my name was and my response was “ummm” followed by a minute of silence (okay it was probably only enough time to breath but as I tried to remember my name it felt like hours of my brain spinning and panic rising).  Finally however I gave him my name and told my brain to shut up and calm down.  After that rocky start I was able to talk to him about the Titanic a little bit.  I left his autograph to him asking me “Are you reading to go back to Titanic” which when I watch the movie always gives me chills but in that moment it almost made me break out laughing again.  It was a great moment and I left all giddy and excited but I certainly know I probably could have done so much better.  I guess the lesson is that next year when I plan on what to say to whichever star is coming I will also have to practice my name.

4. Getting to Listen to the R L Stine  Panel (& meeting him after)

My hero and inspiration - R L Stine

                I wrote a little about R L Stine when I found out he was coming to the Expo in my blog entry EekTime to Find My Inner Cool so I can Impress.  When I first started really trying to write fiction it was R L Stine’s Fear Street books that I used to create my own short fiction.  (Looking back now I’m sure some of the appeal probably came from the fact that I probably wanted to find horrific deaths for various teenagers I encountered.)  As much as I had hoped that I would be able to impress him once again I was struck down with a loss of brain power.  He was a very nice man though and I enjoyed the brief chat I had with him although for the life of me I can’t remember what was said other than me telling him I used to copy his work and that he inspired me to be a writer.  The memory that I will carry with me though came from listening to the spotlight panel on him.  It was really interesting to hear him talk about his writing and to tell us his ghost story.  I have always loved being read to and he has one of those voices that I could listen to for hours.  I have to admit though it was when he was talking about how he writes that I found myself drawn in completely and found the memory I want to keep.  He talked about how he outlines his whole books before he starts writing and how he often has several books on the go at the same time set up on different desks.  Hearing about his process gave me a sort of validation of my own process.  I have been reading some books lately that suggest trying to just go where the writing takes you but having tried and failed that during the month of April I have to say I like my planning way better.  I know when it comes to creative pursuits that everyone has their own process but it is still nice to have my process validated.  It make me feel like maybe there is some hope that I am doing something right and that it might lead me down a path that ends with me getting published.

3. Middle-Earth Exposed
                I have gone to a bunch of these extra events Calgary Expo puts on and I have to say hands down Middle-Earth Exposed was the best.  It was a night to celebrate Richard Taylor the co-founder of Weta.  We got to watch as he transformed one lucky contest winner from a normal person into an orc.  I have to say it was pretty amazing to watch the transformation happen.  You can see the talent and care that goes into creating the creatures we watch on the big screen.   

From Human to Orc Part 1

From Human to Orc Part 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While the make-over was going on we were introduced to all the Middle-Earth gang, starting first with the crew from Lord of the Rings.  It was interesting to hear Billy Boyd, Sean Astin, Craig Parker, Sadwyn Brophy and Mark Ferguson talk about their experiences.  Most interesting to me was listening to Sadwyn.  He was only 5 when he was on the set.  He joked about how he was Liv Tyler’s hot water bottle.  I can only imagine how cool it would have been to be in the middle of such a huge film at that age.   

Sadwyn Brophy, Craig Parker, Billy Boyd, Sean Astin, Mark Ferguson

As much as I loved listening to the Lord of the Rings crew talk it was when the Hobbit gang came out that things got a lot of fun.  Watching Mark Hadlow, Jed Brophy and Dean O’Gorman banter with each other was so much fun.   

Jed Brophy, Mark Hadlow, Dean O'Gorman

As much fun as all of it was including watching the dwarves sing, and Jed and Sadwyn Brophy sword fighting it was when they started to do some improv that things got really good.  I have never laughed as hard as I did that night as I watched Mark Ferguson and Craig Parker tell a story about Harry Potter and Hermione using Billy Boyd, Mark Hadlow, Jed Brophy and Dean O’Gorman as the props.  I was laughing so hard a lot of my pictures didn’t even turn out.  The images of Billy flying around with Mark and Craig attached, or of Jed doing one armed push-ups as Harry’s “wand” or of Craig and Mark going to kiss but with protection are just a few of the pictures that will be ingrained in my mind forever.  It was one of those nights you just don’t want to end.  I would be the first in line to sign up again if Calgary Expo decided to do it again.

Is that your wand or are you just happy to see me?

Billy Boyd as an Owl

Kissing with protection

2.  Meeting all the Middle-Earth Gang 


                Not only are all the men from Middle-Earth hilarious, as they proved at their exposed event, but they are all some of the nicest guests I have ever met.  I had only planned on getting Bill’s autograph this year but after watching them all on stage at the exposed event I decided I wanted a chance to actually meet them and say hi.  (Well okay I had decided I wanted to meet one of them before the evening event but I will talk about that in my number 1 moment.)  I talked about this a little bit in my last blog but because I didn’t have crushes on these guys before the Expo (I totally do now though) I was able to go up to them and just be cool and relaxed.  I was able to be normal…well normal for me anyway.    I was able to have decent conversations with each of them.  I talked about how talented and skilled they all were with Mark Ferguson who seemed really pleased with how Exposed had turned out and happy to talk about the work that went into it.  I joked with Craig Parker about being a VIP and not having to wait in line, followed by him calling me beautiful which made me swoon.  When I went to meet Jed and his son Sadwyn (who totally has the coolest name), Jed remembered me from two days earlier and the photo op I had done which made it easy to chat with him.  Probably the surprise for me though was meeting Sadwyn.  I got to chatting with him and actually had to end the conversation myself so I wasn’t holding up the line.  Of all the stars I have met over the last three years at Expo these guys were the greatest.  Each interaction left me feeling wonderful and special and with a huge smile on my face.  I hope I get the chance to meet them all again sometime.  They were charming, genuine and wonderful.  They of course also are good looking and have amazing accents that I love.  hehehe

Billy Boyd and Sean Astin

Dean O'Gorman, Mark Hadlow, Jed Brophy

Craig Parker, Mark Ferguson

1.   Best Moment for me of the 2014 Expo Meeting was Mark Hadlow (which took me by surprise)
                Of all the moments I enjoyed at this year’s Expo it was my interactions with Mark Hadlow that stands out as my favourite.  Mark Hadlow plays the dwarf Dori in the Hobbit movies and he is totally my favourite now.  He is not the youngest or the best looking but he was so nice to me.  The dwarf team up photo was the very first thing I did at the Expo this year.  When I walked into the picture area Mark gave me a huge smile, welcomed me and asked my name.  The photo ops only last for a few seconds but in those few I felt my whole mood shift from happy to be at expo to being truly excited to be there.  That night when I went home I made the decision that I wanted to go and say hi to Mark again so Friday morning after getting Billy Boyd’s autograph I walked up to his nearly empty line.  As I approached he smiled and said “You were at out photo op yesterday weren’t you Jill.”  I’m sure the smile on my face stretched from ear to ear.  It’s pretty cool to be remembered.  I joked that he looked at my name badge which is how he remembered me.  He countered with he only looked at the badge to confirm what he remembered.  It was the start of a fun chat.  When he signed my autograph he asked “is it ok that I signed it saying you are such a doll”.  I said of course that was fine (as if I was going to say no please start over…heheh).  We chatted a little bit more and he told me that he loved how bubbly and smiley I was.  I walked away standing a little taller and feeling special.  It is not something I experience very often (strangers paying me compliments) but it made a huge impression.  I think meeting Mark set my mood for the whole Expo which in part is why this year was so epic.  I’m sure he and all of them are probably nice to everyone they meet but in those few minutes chatting with him I felt like I was the only person in the room.  It is a pretty special feeling to have and not all of the guests I have met have been able to pull it off as well as Mark Hadlow did.

my favourite autograph ever

 

As exhausted as I was come Monday morning I have no regrets for all that I did or any of the things I had to miss.  When I look back on this year’s Expo I feel as though it changed me.  The memories of this year have followed me this week as have the ideas and lessons I wrote about previously.  The experiences I had this year are going to be hard to top but if I have learned one thing from the last two years is that I’m sure Expo will find a way to beat it next year.  I will look forward with anticipation as the following months pass slowly by until Apr 16, 2015.