It hasn’t been the easiest of journeys for me. In fact I have never really struggled to lose
weight when I’m working out and following plan but it has been different in the
last couple of months. I have been
getting close to this milestone since Christmas. I was able to get within about 2 pounds of it
but then would have a set back and I would gain a few pounds. It went back and forth like this until I went
on a small trip to Kingsfold with a friend.
It is a retreat center where you can go and disconnect from things like
electronics and focus on yourself. The
second night I was there I went for a walk and found a quiet bench to sit
on. I felt like Will was with me, which
is something I hadn’t felt since he died, and in that moment I realized
something. I wasn’t hitting my weight
loss goal because part of me wasn’t really ready to let go of it. I gained that weight as a way to deal with my
grief and letting it go was like really letting go of my best friend and saying
good-bye. As soon as I realized that,
something clicked in my brain and I knew it was silly. Since then minus a couple of small gains my
weight has been slowly going down again including today where I hit the goal.
At my Weight Watchers meeting today, my leader asked how it felt to
finally reach this goal and I got choked up because it was a huge weight off my
shoulders. Letting go of the weight is
also letting go of any grief that might still be sticking around. I will always miss Will. My life was forever changed because I had him
in it. He taught me so much about myself. He showed me that there are people out there
that will accept me for who I am not for the person I think people want me to
be. I know now though that moving on
with my life is not letting him go but it is finding a way to honour him by
reaching for all my goals because he was always my biggest cheerleader and that’s
what I think he would have wanted for me.
Reaching this milestone is just one of the many that I have to mark
this journey I’m on but it feels huge. I
still have a long way to go but finally I feel like I’m back on the track I was
before my world derailed. I know that
there will still be bumps and curves in the track but I have also learned that
I can handle it. I am learning to trust
my instincts, my body and my mind and as long as I keep listening I know they
will guide me where I need to go. I also
know that as long as I’m working towards the things that matter most to me,
Will would be cheering me on. He only
ever wanted me to be the best that I can be and I am finally doing it.
I used this quote in a blog I wrote about Will, I think it came from a
card but I wanted to share it because it rings true to me today more than ever,
“When a good bye is so unexpected and sudden, when the pain seems unbearable
and the loss impossible it is the wise heart that knows that sometimes it has
to look back and remember in order to look forward and hope.”
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