When All the Balls Fall to the Ground

Today was a bit of a train wreck of self destruction. I'm working on two major goals, to lose weight and to get debt free, and I gave up on both of them today. The reality is I felt this coming on throughout the week and I probably could have avoided it by coming home after weight watchers rather than going grocery shopping, but I think as much as it sucks I needed today.

When everything slips out of my grasp it works to remind myself exactly what I want. There is something about just letting go completely to remind you just how much you really want the goals you have set for yourself. In the past a day like today would have meant the complete abandonment of everything and a horrible spiral back to my old ways. The good news is that is not the case this time. I plan to get up in the morning with a renewed sense of purpose and drive. I will get back on my budget and get back on working out and tracking my food. I guess what I want to say is just because all the balls fall to the ground doesn't mean you can't pick them up again. Sure you might have to hunt for the one or two that have rolled under the couch, but it is possible to pick them all up and toss them in the air again.

I do think I realized one thing though, I need to stop telling myself I can't do things. I think this collapse was a result of a week of arguing with myself about everything. I was getting fixated on what I shouldn't be doing. I started to tell myself I can't have this and I can't do that. As soon as I say I can't I get fixated on it and it becomes all I want, even to the point of self destruction. I know this about myself but unfortunately it is a lesson that I keep having to learn. The good news is I think that I get better at dealing with the lesson each time it rears its ugly head.

I know that I often talk like I'm giving advice, but here's the thing, I'm not. When I write I'm telling myself the things I want to hear and need to hear. I hope that in writing it down and sharing it with the world of cyberspace it will stick in my brain. If anyone gets anything out of this blog I'm thrilled for you but the honest truth is this is my therapy. I have a hard time opening up to people about what is going on in my brain but writing it here gives me an open forum. I become another anonymous voice in cyberspace babbling away like a crazy person. It's a strange world we live on, anyone can be a writer and have readers all thanks to the world of blogging. Since I was a little girl I've always wanted to be a writer and thanks to the love and support of my friends I have gotten that chance. It just shows that all goals can come true, even if it is not quite how we imagined them.

Control?????

Well I survived my birthday and my parents visiting but it wasn't without its pitfalls. It is always a challenge when my house is invaded by my family because I lose all my normal routines. It is great to have people around but it is a struggle to keep myself on track. My family comes with its own set of challenges. The last couple times they have visited I have started to realize where all my bad habits have come from. I do not blame them at all for where I am but I can certainly see some of my old habits in them. I try hard not to think about food all the time and I don't tend to bring things into the house that will get me in trouble, but when my family is around those are two of the battles I face. My family snacks all the time and food like donuts, ice cream cake and other treats seem to appear when my family is around.

So although I know that I will face these things when they appear I have never really planned for it and this time was no different. When they left though I felt horrible. My body was hating me and I was stressing over having to weigh in and part of my brain had even given up on fighting for what I really want. The reality is it is easier to give in and resort back to my old habits than it is to fight. I know that I am strong and capable of beating my old habits into submission but I also know that they will always be there. So the only solution I have is to make better plans for when I get into situations I can't control because as much as I think I can control the world, reality says there is no real control over anything except over how I choose to react to the world.

It is a strange thing to realize that no matter how hard you try to control things that it really isn't possible. The good news is that although the world may remind me that it can throw chaos into my routine, I can still make choices that allow me some control. I know where my weaknesses are, and I know my triggers so I just have to make sure that the next time my world is turned upside down I have a set of plans to deal with those challenges. A few strategic escape routes to get me through and keep me on the right track so I don't feel like I'm throwing away all the hard work I have been putting in.

Anyway for those of you who are wondering how bad the last two weeks have been it actually wasn't horrible. I only gained 1.8 pounds. Although coming up to Saturday this week I found myself pleading for a miracle because I was sure I was going to be up more. Luckily a small miracle occurred and I weighed in at the same weight as the week before. So with my weekly weigh in done I have put myself back on track. I'm ready to have an amazing week.

30 Pounds Down

Although I was not expecting anything good to come out of the weigh in this week I was pleasantly surprised and shocked to see that I was down 2.2 pounds bringing my total to 30.2. I'm always happy when my weight is down but there is something special when I hit a 10 pound goal. I always seem to struggle a bit when I'm coming up to a new 10 pound increment so maybe that is why I get so excited or maybe it's just that it seems like I'm actually making progress.

I do think that breaking my weight loss into 5 and 10 pound increments for goals has been incredibly helpful. It is a big enough difference that I have to push myself to get to the goal but it is not so daunting that I get discouraged. I guess it keeps me from thinking about how far I have to go. I know I have said before about not focusing on the weight as a measure of success but you know it still feels good when you start to see your total number lost go up.

For me every pound I can take off lets me feel that I'm getting closer and closer to everything I want. Don't get me wrong I don't think that I need to lose weight to be successful or to feel happy. I do however think that I need to lose weight to live the life I imagine for myself. So every pound that I lose pushes me one step closer to that image in my head. It allows me to become more active and to do the activities that I enjoy with out the struggle of doing it carrying the weight of 2 other people.

Last year when I turned 30 I knew that it was time to make a change. Now as my birthday is quickly approaching again I can look back on this year and be proud of the strides I have made. Next year when this time rolls around and i'm getting ready to turn 32 I know that I will have even more to be proud of. I will no longer look back on my year with regret or feel disappointed that I'm another year older. The reality is that every year I get stronger, smarter and more focused. I no longer think that getting older is a bad thing, it just means I have more experience to help push me further.

So with that I wish myself a Happy Birthday and will work hard not to let the birthday cake get the better of me for next week's weigh in :-)