Summer Vacation Encouragement

One of my favourite motivational quotes (that I have shared before) is by C.S. Lewis and says “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.”  I found myself thinking about this quote a lot in the last week while I was on my holidays.  I have been writing and thinking a great deal about the changes that have been happening in my life while I have been working on my series about why this time is different (which you can read the last entry here) and while I take a break from that series for the week I do still want to share something equally as important.  This last week opened my eyes in a lot of ways at how different my world has become in the last year and a half.

Last July when I headed out to visit my parents I was training to run my very first 5K.  I made the decision that each day while I was on vacation I would go for a walk or run in a different location.  I managed to do this and it was amazing.  This year when I headed out I am again training to run the Terry Fox but certainly my training is a lot different.  I still made plans before heading out for what I would do for exercise and again I stuck to the plan.  Plans aside one of the cool things about these two vacations almost exactly a year apart is that I was able to make a lot of comparisons between the two of them which was incredibly motivating for me.  It proved yet again that all the small changes I have been making are adding up to big results.  I figured I would share a few of the things I noticed.

The first thing I noticed compared to last year was at how much easier it was to run.  Last year I was barely doing intervals and this year I was able to run full intervals throughout each of my runs.  I still find it hard to believe how far I have come in terms of running.  I owe a great deal of it to my trainer for suggesting I try training in a different way and it is working.  I’m running more and more each time I go out.  Another cool part about this vacation when it comes to running is that I think I finally found my pace.  I have been struggling with running outside because I struggle to find a pace I can maintain.  This was not the case while on holidays.  I suspect that because of the fact that I was carrying my camera and taking pictures on my walking intervals it made it easier for me to slow my pace down and be less competitive with myself. I won’t break any records but slowing down meant that basically I was able to interval for much longer periods of time more consistently.  I even very nearly was able to interval an entire 5K, which is something I have been working towards.  My pace is a lot slower than I would like it to be but I’m excited by how long I can keep it up for.  I know that as I continue my pace will increase I just have to keep working at it. 

The second thing I noticed was actually during one of my runs.  Last year I went on a 5k hike to one of my favourite places, the Kinsol Trestle.  This year I was determined that I would do the hike again only instead of walking it I wanted to run it.  I did and it was amazing.  Last year I remember how long that hike felt especially as we were making our way back to the car.  The weather played a part in that as last year it was a hot afternoon than we went.  This year the weather was a little more agreeable to me as it was a cool, wet morning.  As I headed back towards the car this time it was still felt like a long way but the difference was I was running intervals instead of dragging my feet.  I was feeling proud and strong instead of tired and cranky.  Sure it was still tough but the fact that I was running shows my ability to be able to push myself further.  I’m stronger and faster than I was.  The fact that it is still challenging is exciting because it means that I still have more to work on and more to improve which means I can continue to see growth when I do it again.  As soon as I finished the run I was already looking forward to when I would be able to run it again.

The third thing that was apparent is that as far as I have come I still have more to do.  Like the fact that Kinsol was still challenging I also found something else that pushed my limits.  I did a hike up Mount Tzouhalem with my Dad and it was tough.  According to my GPS watch the elevation change was 379 meters which is almost 5 times the elevation change that I had on my Canmore 5k which was about 80 meters different and you can read how challenging that was in this blog entry.  The hike up was tough.  At one point I remember the best I could do was take about 10 steps at a time before I had to stop and catch my breath.  As we neared the top there was also a point where I could feel the shake in my legs.  As hard as it was I still managed to get up to the top (not that I had any doubt I would because I’m stubborn).  Even the walk down was challenging.  I found myself feeling really tired as we came back towards the car.  It will be interesting to see how this improves over the next year or so.  As the weight comes off and my legs continue to gain muscle I suspect that this hike will get easier and easier.  Who knows before long I may try to run it or take up my dad on his offer (?) to hike it from the bottom up to the top. It offers me the chance to have something new to compare to for next time.

The last thing I wanted to share is just a photo.  When I was packing I purposely packed the same exercise gear that I wore last year (minus the shoes) with this photo in mind.  I knew that I was going to ask my Dad to retake the photo because I knew when I compared them side by side I could show just how much a difference small consistent changes can add up over time.  I have been asked lots of time what my secret is and what I’m doing and really what I have decided that it truly boils down to is consistency.  No matter what you do, no matter how small it is, if you do it day in and day out the changes will come.  It will actually start to feel like you aren’t doing anything special (or maybe that could just be me).  I think you just have to have faith in the process.  Trust that if you put one foot in front of the other enough times, even if you fall back sometimes, you will be carried where you want to go.  I still have a lot of steps to go but when I look at these photos and see my shrinking tummy, better fitting shirt and pants and my smile I know that I’m on my way.  

Why it’s Different This Time – Enough is Enough

This blog entry is part of a series I am writing specifically on my weight loss journey.  It is looking at why after years of trying I feel that this time it is different and I’m finally making it work.  I suppose another way to look at these entries is my guide to success (hopefully anyway).  If you would like to read more in this series please check out the following entry:

• Introduction 

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When people talk about changing their lives drastically they almost always have a rock bottom story or moment.  I never really had that when it came to my weight.  That changed however and I think now that I have a moment it is one of the major reasons that this time my journey feels so different.  I have a clear understanding of just how bad things had gotten.  I am no longer able to just accept the status quo when it comes to my weight.  I have finally reached a point where I am ready to make long and lasting changes even if they aren’t the easiest changes to make.  This entry has been one of the hardest for me to write.  No one wants to admit that they are in a bad spot or to own the worst parts of our lives.  I do know that I do feel a great deal of power and strength coming from the fact that I am ready to own where I am and have been in my life.  It is almost liberating to write about it even while being completely terrifying.  The memory of being at my worst helps drive me forward so that I can get to my best and that is what makes it very worthy of being a part of this blog as scary as it is to share.

Growing up heavy has played a huge part in why I think it has taken me so long to hit my bottom.  I have never known what it is really like to be a normal weight.  I have been smaller than I am now but when compared to other people I was always heavy.  It has never really bothered me.  I have always accepted that I was different.  Sure I wished I wasn’t bullied because of it and especially when I look back to junior high and high school being heavy had huge implications on my world but I don’t feel like it every really kept me down.  I never felt that my weight held me back from anything I wanted to do.  It did sometimes make it more challenging but I have always been able to find a way to make my weight work for me.  I learned to compensate for things like a wonky center of gravity or a tummy that gets it the way.  I just adapted to it.  I was always able to work out, never really experienced any major aches or pain and just generally have never felt pulled down by the weight.  I was happy with life and in reality didn’t see the need to change anything so even when trying to change it was hard to make anything lasting stick.  It sort of stems from the old adage if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

That started to change though.  Over the past few years I started to find that in subtle ways life was getting harder.  I was starting to lose the energy I had which was making even getting up and going to work more challenging.  More than the loss of energy though was the fact that I was also starting to actively choose to avoid doing things that would be more active.  If my co-workers were going out to lunch I would come up with an excuse because I didn’t want to walk the couple blocks to the restaurant.  If friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time wanted to meet up I would start to feel anxiety over it because of the fact I was getting heavier and worried they would judge me.  Most of all I was starting to look at myself through a negative filter - the same filter people had been applying to me for years.  All of this was starting to play on my mind.  I was starting to recognize that I need to make some serious changes but as much as I was starting to be unhappy with my situation none of this was really pushing me forward to make those changes.

This growing dissatisfaction though would add into the moment that became the final straw.  It was a moment that happened in July 2013.  Our office had been relocated to another building because of the flooding in Calgary in June.  The parking for the new building was at an overflow lot a few blocks away that they shuttled people to and from.  The shuttles they used were generally school buses.  I knew from past experiences that school buses are not designed for people like me.  I also knew that since the last time I was on a school bus I had gained weight.  This worried me enough that for the first little while I avoided the shuttle.  I walked the 10 minutes to and from work to the lot until one day when it was raining.  I decided to wait and take the shuttle rather than getting soaked.  I got on okay although it was a tight squeeze to get to the first row of seats.  When we arrived at work I waited for everyone else to get off because I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty when I tried.  I’m not graceful at the best of times but give me a tight space and any hope of grace is thrown out the window.  I got up and went to leave and couldn’t maneuver myself right.  Somehow I had twisted weird and pretty much got myself stuck between the divider that separates the door and driver from the rest of the bus which is just a little narrower than the aisle that leads down the bus.  I was mortified.  I panicked and had vision of having to be rescued.  I also flashed back to the old Winnie the Pooh cartoon where he gets stuck in Rabbit’s hole.  It felt like forever until I was able to push myself free and out of the bus.  The driver was super sympathetic and made some joke about the buses not being designed for adults which although I know it wasn’t his intention made me feel worse.  I was never more embarrassed than I was in that moment.  I also never got on the shuttle again for the next year and a half we were working there.

That moment changed my life.  I think it was truly the first time I ever actually saw just how big I had gotten.  The ability to shrug it off and keep on going was gone.  For the first time I had concrete proof that my weight was a serious issue.  It very literally got in the way and trapped me.  It was the first time I ever thought of myself as fat.  All the stuff that came before this moment could not compare to the depths of feelings I had in that one short moment.  All the shame and negativity others had directed towards me for years all swept over me and I felt all of it towards myself.  When I stepped off that bus I was at my lowest point.  I have never felt worse about myself.  It made for a pretty long day at work.  The good news is though that from that moment I knew that I had to make a change.  It was no longer an option to continue on as I had been telling myself that my weight wasn’t an issue.  I could no longer convince myself that I was okay.  I knew I had to use that moment to help motivate me.  It was shortly after all of this that I created my “move more” goal and ended up with my fitbit.

This moment has become a very real reminder for me.  Anytime I think about giving up or going back to my old ways I remind myself how I felt in that moment.  I remind myself that if I continue as I have always done that I will have more moments like that.  It has made it so that quitting is not an option.  I may not know what it feels like to be skinny but I sure know what fat feels like now and I would much rather choose the unknown than to experience more of that.  As long as I can remember that moment I know that I will always choose to keep pushing my journey forward.

Why it’s Different This Time – Introduction

I figure I’m overdue to do a series of entries again.  I had a lot of fun doing the series that I did last year leading up to my Terry Fox run because it gave me something to consistently write about.  I loved having that focus so I figured why not try it again.  I guess it helps that I have something to write about that as hard as I try I can’t sum up into one entry and something that is at least in my opinion worth exploring in multiple entries. 

As I get close to hitting an important milestone (50 pounds lost) I find myself starting to question my journey.  It comes from a little bit of doubt that is creeping into my world.  It also comes from spending far too much time reflecting on things I’m sure.  The question that I want to spend the next little while looking at is why this time trying to lose weight is different?  The reality is I have tried and failed many times before when it comes to losing weight but I feel like there is something different going on this time.  I think finding the answer to the question as to why it feels different will not only help cement that this time is going to be the time I find success but it will also let me share more of my story and my heart with anyone who wants to read it.

I don’t think it matters what the goal is or what the journey is there are aspects that are true to any of them.  I know for me the start of a journey or a new goal is always the best.  I am filled with excitement of doing something new.  I have faith that I can accomplish it even if I might not always realize what it will take to accomplish.  Everything is new and fun.  It is the fresh start you feel on New Years’ Day when the whole year lies in front of you ready to unfold.  In this first phase it is easy to rely on will power to get you through the hard stuff because you aren’t tired yet.  I have been in this first phase many times when it comes to losing weight.  Each time I start on a weight loss journey I am sure that it is the last time I will start the journey.  I’m full of determination, drive and hope.  I’m always excited for the changes to happen.  I also always commit a hundred percent.  I can’t imagine anything that will get in the way of reaching the end result. 

The first phase has lasted me anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.  Inevitably though the beginning excitement and drive begins to fade and the reality of what is in store for me sinks in.  I start to acknowledge how long my journey will be to get where I want to go.  Frustrations start to creep in usually because the numbers on the scale aren’t moving the way I want.  I also start to feel like I’m missing out on things in the rest of my life, especially things like spending time with friends.  The struggle and hard work required to achieve any goal really begins at this point. The ability to will yourself through the challenges becomes harder and harder.  This is also the point when the doubts become the loudest and in the past this is often when I have quit whether it comes from outright giving up or a slower process of quitting where I just stop trying and sort of drift back into old habits.

I have been in this middle phase for a while now.  I have experienced a lot of the frustrations and struggles that have often led me to quit in the past but I haven’t yet and I don’t actually see myself quitting this time around.  I don’t know that I have all the answers and I can’t see the future to know if I’m right when I say this time I’m on the right path and I will once and for all find my success.  I do know that even being stuck smack dab in the middle of this journey, as hard as it can be at times the desire to continue to move forward far outweighs the desire to quit.  I take that as a very good sign.  I also know that although my previous attempts haven’t been successful they have taught me a great deal.  They have helped me to learn the knowledge and the skills I need to help me find my success.  It is this knowledge and the skills that I have found in the last little while that I will be exploring.  They include things like my rock bottom moment, tools that keep me motivated and the importance of changing my thinking and attitude to name a few.  These are the things that are making this journey different.

I have to say that I feel incredibly blessed to have a space in this world where I can share and explore the things that I am learning.  It helps me to feel like I’m leaving a small mark on this world.  It inspires me to continue my hard work and to keep on sharing it all in hopes it will inspire others.  That though makes me remember the very first day I met my trainer when she asked me if I was ready to be an inspiration to people.  I giggled and said sure but at that moment I was terrified she was right.  Since then I have heard from people at the gym as well as people who have read my blog or my Facebook posts that I am inspiring them.  I am learning to embrace this which is part of why now I feel like I can write this particular series of blog entries.  Each part of why this journey is different that I’m about to share I have tried to write at one point or another but have struggled with because it is some of the hardest things I have learned and some of the things that are at the very soul of the journey I’m on.  It terrifies me to share them but at the same time I hope that maybe someone will find something in my story that will help them find their own story and their own success.  If nothing else it gives me a spot that I can turn to when I am doubting what I’m doing and remind myself of all the reasons why I shouldn’t doubt that this time I will get everything I am working so hard for. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love, support and encouragement that is shared my way.  It means more than I can express in words (although I will try to soon.).  Please look for my next entry next Sunday.

My Weight Loss Story

I have been re-reading a lot of my old blog entries and I realized it has been a long time since I really wrote about my story.  In fact I don’t think I have really written specifically about my weight loss story since I first started this blog and that was a long time ago.  I have talked about things I have learned along the way, things I have accomplished but not a lot about the journey as a bigger picture.  This seems to be coming up a lot lately and I have also been thinking a lot about it probably because I have been sharing it so much.  Every time I share even part of my story it has such a positive effect on me.  It reminds me of where I am, where I came from and where I’m going.  It seems like a pretty important thing to write about so here it is.

I have been heavy all my life.  I don’t remember anything different and throughout the years I have gone through periods of wanting to lose weight, periods of not caring and even some where I was actually able to lose weight.  The current arc that I am on of this journey to lose weight actually started forever ago in March 2009.  It’s hard to believe it was that long ago but I still remember the day when I rejoined Weight Watchers like it was yesterday.  It was a hard day for me because when I got on the scale I was at the highest weight I had ever been.  I had gained all the weight I had previously lost a few years before and then some.  I was embarrassed and ashamed.  I was mad at myself and devastated that I had undone all that I had done previously.  It was not my best day.

After that weigh-in I made two vows to myself.  The first was that I would never be that heavy again.  I was wrong on this one.  I was not able to keep this vow but I’ll write more on that in a few.  The second vow is the more important because I have kept true to it since.  I vowed that no matter what, I would not quit or stop going to Weight Watchers and six years later I still have broken this vow.  That is why I consider my journey, this version of it, truly starting in 2009.  It is true when I made that vow that I had planned to reach my goal weight much quicker but I don’t consider the time wasted by any means.  A lot of people have questioned my stubbornness with staying at Weight Watchers when it wasn’t working but what I tell people is that I know it works and I know it will work, I Just need time to make it work for me.  In the end I actually hope that all I have learned in the last six years will help other people move through their own journeys much faster.  I do know that trying to change your whole life, your beliefs, habits and knowledge takes time.

Anyway from 2009 through to 2011 I was making very slow progress.  I lost just over 30 pounds and made huge changes in my lifestyle especially around my habits.  In this time period I learned that for me this was going to be a slow process.  I don’t make changes quickly but when I do make them I make them permanent.  I did my research and slowly started to work through the process of changing my life.  Change is not the easiest thing for me to accept and I knew that the only way I could make things really work for me was to take the smallest of baby steps.  I knew that if I just kept moving in the right direction that the weight would come off. 

In this time I mostly focused on my food.  I worked to change the things I was eating.  I started to try and cook more and eat out less.  I started to read everything I could on food and quickly learned everyone has an opinion and often the opinions are opposite.  This is when I decided that whatever I was going to do for weight loss that it was going to have to make common sense.  I have never been one to jump on any fad diets but I knew that just because I wanted to lose weight didn’t mean that I should start now.  The choices I began to make had to make sense to me.  I still apply this logic (faulty as it may be) to my journey even now.  This is also why it takes me a while to work through things and make changes. 

I was on the right path but then the unthinkable happened.  In August 2011 my world was shaken to the very core when I lost my best friend to a heart attack.  I had lost people in my life before (grandparents, uncles and a cousin) but this was the first time I lost someone that I was extremely close too.  Will was 25 years older than me so logic said that at some point I would lose him but there is no preparing for the shock.  Will’s death set me on a destructive path that I didn’t even fully see until after.  For the next year I did everything I could to avoid dealing with my emotions.  Thankfully I am not typically an emotional eater otherwise things could have been much worse; instead I started to keep myself very busy.  I took very little time for anything that was for me.  I stopped caring about a lot of things for that year.  At the time though I convinced myself I was fine and dealing with it. 

The clue that I wasn’t dealing well with everything should have been the scale.  Each week I went and weighed in and my weight would go up one week and down the next and was bouncing all over the place.  The problem was that it was trending very slowly up.  I managed to gain the 30 pounds I had originally lost and then another 20.  The other problem with such a slow climb is that it is easy to overlook or excuse.  I am great at ignoring things sometimes and it was easier to ignore the fact my weight was coming back and that I was missing my best friend than it was to deal with it.

In May 2012 I drove down for a memorial to Will in Des Moines.  This was the start of me coming out of the funk I had been in.  It was also the start of me realizing that I was in a funk. I had a lot of time to think on that trip (5000km in a little car by yourself will do that) and I knew I had to change things.  When I got back from the trip I made the decision to once again start working towards losing weight and becoming healthier.  I still had a lot more to deal with though and for the next year I struggled with my weight bouncing up and down.  My weight change in the next year was minor, only maybe the final 5 pounds I gained by the time I hit my highest weight in September 2013.

By the time I hit my highest weight I was starting to experience something I had never really had to deal with.  I was starting to find that my weight was getting in the way of things.  I found that I was getting tired super easy.  I had no energy to do anything.  I even had to skip test driving a brand of car I had thought about because it was not built for me.  Although I had always been heavy I can honestly say that I had never felt like it was getting in the way until that year.  It was frustrating and I knew that I had to make a change.  I knew that to keep going this way was not a way of life.  It was certainly not the life anyone (my family, Will, other friends) had pictured for me and certainly not the life that I wanted for myself either.  I knew it was time to kick my weight loss into high gear. 

I knew that the key to that was going to be moving since I was already doing well with my food.  So I went out and bought my Fitbit.  If I wanted to move more I had to have a way to be able to track that I was doing it.  I started walking, first just on commercial breaks but soon that expanded to getting up and moving more at work.  I even started walking on some of my lunch breaks.  With the help of another friend I started to see the potential for me to do more.  I started to think about trying to run.  The last year has been me working towards that goal.  Since then I have done two official race 5Ks and a whole bunch more Sunday morning runs.  I have been learning strength training.  I have also met a whole new world of people who are willing to cheer me on and support me.  I can honestly say that I am the most active I have ever been.

While this arc started in 2009 the most significant changes have happened in the last year.  I still have a very long way to go but I am putting all the pieces together.  I am getting the tools I need and starting to wrap my head around all that I need to do.  I’m starting to make serious progress that has me down almost 50 pounds (47 to be exact).  I see my future more clearly than I have ever seen it before.  The future I see is one in which I am healthy and active.  One in which I will be able to help people find the best out of their lives.  I am happier than I have been in a very long time.  My confidence is growing as is my belief that I can do this.  My weight loss story will continue until I get to a healthy weight but even after that it won’t be done.  Weight will always be a struggle but with all that I have learned and all the support I have found I know that it is a journey I am happy to be on for now and forever.