I have started this blog twice already this week and each time has been very different and yet some how the same. I'm hoping that this time will work a little bit better. I'm having a hard time finding my voice for this blog. It feels like I'm trying too hard and although I want to pour my heart and soul out there, I guess it is easier said then done. I will keep trying though and with some more practice I know things will get easier and better.
I just got home from watching the movie Dear John. I went to it because I wanted to watch a movie that would make me cry. I know it seems like a weird way to choose movies but for me it is a release. I have never been very good with my emotions. I learned that crying just eggs bully's on and that if you fake a smile and pretend you don't care they usually go away. It's a hard lesson no kid should have to learn and it is a hard lesson to unlearn. Instead of feeling I know that I turn to food. Any emotion really I deal with by using food in some way. For example Monday when I was frustrated with work I came home and self destructed with a box of cookies (which i'm sure I'll pay for on my weigh in tomorrow, but hopefully the exercise will balance it out some). I have been learning new ways to deal with things like frustration and stress by doing things like exercise before I eat but other emotions are harder, things like that pesky loneliness that comes with being single. Over the last year that I have been working on losing weight the one thing I have noticed is that I am growing more emotional. I do not think that it is because I'm suddenly developing these feelings but I think for the first time in my life i'm finally letting myself feel. My paper journal is full of emotions that are being written down rather than being eaten. I know that it is a good thing to let myself feel but there is still a part of me that feels like I'm just letting the bully in. So sometimes the easiest and safest way to let myself feel is by going to a movie I know will make me cry. It frees my brain and lets my emotions out.
I suppose in the end whatever helps me deal with emotions and feel them rather than ignore them and feed them with food is probably a good choice. It is truly funny how the brain works though sometimes, or maybe just how my brain works. I view everything in two lights. One is the smart educated person that knows the answers and wants to problem solve and the other is the person who is scared of the bully's. It is two sides of my brain that are sometimes hard to reconcile together. Of course ever since high school i've always said i'm a walking contradiction (like a solar powered vampire) so really that is nothing new either. I guess it just shocks me how much more I'm noticing it now. I'm assuming it is because I am not only spending more time thinking about myself, trying to find answers to my life, but also because I am learning how to feel again. In the end I know all of this will work to my advantage and help me in the long run.
The good news in all of this I will weigh in in the morning and be able to put this week behind me as crazy as it was. I get to look forward to flying out to surprise my mom for her 60th bday on Saturday and get to have a few days away from home and work. I'm very much ready for a vacation and surprising my mom. It has been a long time since I was excited about visiting with my family, it feels pretty good.
A journey in accepting myself for who I am now while working on making myself into the person I see in my future.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The First Real Entry (aka Catch Up)
Every journey needs to start somewhere and for me the journey to lose weight has started and stopped many times. My most recent (and last) start of my weight loss journey started nearly a year ago on March 12, 2009, on one of the most devastating days in my life. To understand the true tragedy of that day for me you should know that I had joined weight watchers for the first time several years before and had some success with it. I had managed to originally lose 50 pounds and was thrilled, but life happened as it often does and I stopped going and weight loss went on the back burner, while I dealt with new challenges, like working two jobs and trying to deal with the politics that came from an office job which I had never really experienced before.
Anyway that day in March was a day that would change my life completely. Now it may seem a bit trivial, when you consider life and death and other major occurrences we all deal with that a weigh-in could be a tragedy, but to me that day it was. When I weighed in I knew that it was going to show I had gained weight, but I was not expecting the total I saw. After fighting hard to lose 50 pounds the first time I discovered that not only did I gain the 50 pounds back but I also gained another 50ish pounds more. At the highest weight I had ever been I felt crushed. I left the weigh in and went to my car (as I had taken the day off work and had only come in to weigh in) and I cried. I cried because I had gone from 295-300, at my lowest weight to 405 pounds (I know shocking and scary, and not something I thought possible.) I was disappointed and mad at myself. I felt like a failure, but at the same time there was also a sense of hope. I felt that things couldn't get any worse. It was my rock bottom moment and I knew that now things could only get better. It was some what freeing to realize this. After much thought and tears I realized that although at that moment I felt like a failure I really wasn't. The only way I could fail is if I was no longer willing to try to fix things and I resolved that I would never stop trying. Success was and is the only option. I will never return to that moment in my life, I will never again weigh as much as I did Mar 12, 2009.
Now nearly a year later, I have not lost as much weight as I would have liked but I have learned a lot about myself and my body. Somewhere over the last year I finally accepted myself for who I am. I have learned the things that work and a lot of things that don’t. I have learned that gaining weight does not mean I’m bad or a failure but that sometimes it is a part of the journey. I’m also learning that the more I let people in the easier it is (hence why I started the blog ;-) and that with a clear goal in mind it is much easier to choose to do the right things. Actually in writing and thinking about it choice may actually be my most valuable gained knowledge. Realizing that everything I eat and do is a choice is one of the most freeing things. It makes me completely responsible for my life and how it will turn out. It is empowering.
That is where I am coming from now. I am feeling powerful and in control. I have hope for the future but it is excitement for the changes I’m seeing now that will get me to that future. Now all of you are up to date on my journey. You also all know exactly where I am coming from. Until this entry only myself, the weight watchers people and a best friend have known what my weight is. It was time to fess up and admit to the world what I pretended wasn't true.
I look forward to sharing my future with you all. With all your love, support and encouragement I will reach my goal weight, and will find a way to help others reach their goals as well.
On a side note for those of you wondering when I’ll be doing my updates my plan for this blog is to write at least once a week on weigh in days (usually Saturdays), so I can keep you all posted on my progress or struggles depending on the day/week.
Anyway that day in March was a day that would change my life completely. Now it may seem a bit trivial, when you consider life and death and other major occurrences we all deal with that a weigh-in could be a tragedy, but to me that day it was. When I weighed in I knew that it was going to show I had gained weight, but I was not expecting the total I saw. After fighting hard to lose 50 pounds the first time I discovered that not only did I gain the 50 pounds back but I also gained another 50ish pounds more. At the highest weight I had ever been I felt crushed. I left the weigh in and went to my car (as I had taken the day off work and had only come in to weigh in) and I cried. I cried because I had gone from 295-300, at my lowest weight to 405 pounds (I know shocking and scary, and not something I thought possible.) I was disappointed and mad at myself. I felt like a failure, but at the same time there was also a sense of hope. I felt that things couldn't get any worse. It was my rock bottom moment and I knew that now things could only get better. It was some what freeing to realize this. After much thought and tears I realized that although at that moment I felt like a failure I really wasn't. The only way I could fail is if I was no longer willing to try to fix things and I resolved that I would never stop trying. Success was and is the only option. I will never return to that moment in my life, I will never again weigh as much as I did Mar 12, 2009.
Now nearly a year later, I have not lost as much weight as I would have liked but I have learned a lot about myself and my body. Somewhere over the last year I finally accepted myself for who I am. I have learned the things that work and a lot of things that don’t. I have learned that gaining weight does not mean I’m bad or a failure but that sometimes it is a part of the journey. I’m also learning that the more I let people in the easier it is (hence why I started the blog ;-) and that with a clear goal in mind it is much easier to choose to do the right things. Actually in writing and thinking about it choice may actually be my most valuable gained knowledge. Realizing that everything I eat and do is a choice is one of the most freeing things. It makes me completely responsible for my life and how it will turn out. It is empowering.
That is where I am coming from now. I am feeling powerful and in control. I have hope for the future but it is excitement for the changes I’m seeing now that will get me to that future. Now all of you are up to date on my journey. You also all know exactly where I am coming from. Until this entry only myself, the weight watchers people and a best friend have known what my weight is. It was time to fess up and admit to the world what I pretended wasn't true.
I look forward to sharing my future with you all. With all your love, support and encouragement I will reach my goal weight, and will find a way to help others reach their goals as well.
On a side note for those of you wondering when I’ll be doing my updates my plan for this blog is to write at least once a week on weigh in days (usually Saturdays), so I can keep you all posted on my progress or struggles depending on the day/week.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Introduction to My Reality
For the last little while I have been thinking about starting up a blog again. I wanted to find a way to easily share my success and struggles when it comes to my weight loss as well as anything else that comes up while blogging. As an aspiring writer I would love for the world to read my words but for my blog I have much more down to earth hopes. So many of my friends have been keeping tabs on my weight loss journey to this point and have been full of questions and support, so I thought in starting a blog it would be a great way to keep everyone up to date.
The selfish part of me however, also likes the idea of having a spot to bare my soul and to babble away about whatever pops into my brain. I have spent years being shy (yes shy even though most people who know me will argue this point) and quiet about all the things that go on in my brain. I think it is time for me to share and the easiest way for me to do that is and has always been through the written word. So for those of you who are patient enough to read my ramblings thank you in advance.
My goal with this blog is to be as honest as possible, which is not always an easy task, especially when dealing with things like my weight. I hope that it will not only keep me on track and working on my own goal of losing weight, but maybe it can help keep my many friends who are also working on their own journeys, weight loss or otherwise, motivated. In the end though even if no one reads this little blog it is a way for me to express myself, practice my writing and maybe even learn a little more about myself.
So with out further ado welcome to my reality...as twisted as it may turn out to be.
The selfish part of me however, also likes the idea of having a spot to bare my soul and to babble away about whatever pops into my brain. I have spent years being shy (yes shy even though most people who know me will argue this point) and quiet about all the things that go on in my brain. I think it is time for me to share and the easiest way for me to do that is and has always been through the written word. So for those of you who are patient enough to read my ramblings thank you in advance.
My goal with this blog is to be as honest as possible, which is not always an easy task, especially when dealing with things like my weight. I hope that it will not only keep me on track and working on my own goal of losing weight, but maybe it can help keep my many friends who are also working on their own journeys, weight loss or otherwise, motivated. In the end though even if no one reads this little blog it is a way for me to express myself, practice my writing and maybe even learn a little more about myself.
So with out further ado welcome to my reality...as twisted as it may turn out to be.
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