Ever have one of those weeks where you brain won't stop spinning? A week where the thoughts just race around and around your mind not really getting anywhere but not leaving you alone either. This week has been like that for me. Normally I can deal with spinning thoughts by writing them out in my pen and paper journal, however this week even that hasn't seemed to help. I think the problem is that the three major things I'm working on changing are all the causes of the spinning thoughts. (For those of you who don't know, the three major things that I'm trying to change are my weight, my debt and my career) If it was just one issue at a time it would be way easier to sort out and deal with, especially since my three areas all end up overlapping the other.
I have come to a stand still with my weight loss. I'm bouncing all around 30 pounds down but can't seem to hit 35. I have blamed it on the summer blahs but I know that I can get through it I just have to get my head screwed on right. I am setting some plans in motion that should hopefully get me back on track. I think the biggest thing is deciding to get a pass for the summer for roller skating. I know it seems silly but it is so much fun and it is a great way to get some exercise in. I'm glad to have found something that is so much fun. I want to be down 50 pounds by the end of August and I think that roller skating may just help me get there. I also think the fact that I can officially do 5kms on my treadmill will also help. Doing 5k this week was probably the highlight of my week. It took me 1 hour and 10mins to do but I know that next time i can do it faster. I'll tell you it did feel amazing to go downstairs and hop on my treadmill thinking I will do 5k and actually do it. I have been saying for awhile that I was going to do 5k and have always given up on pushing for it. There is nothing quite as great feeling as achieving something you set your mind to. Now I just have to focus on that and stop the thought that I can't lose weight in the summer from spinning around.
When it comes to my debt I just feel like I'm going no where. This of course is not actually the case because my debt is going down but it is taking longer than I want it to. I have been thinking about all the different options I have to be able to fix it sooner. The easiest would be to get a part time job, but the problem with that is that I lose out on some of the time I need for being able to work out, not to mention the last time I was working two jobs I got super cranky and gained a bunch of weight. Another option is to keep going at the rate I'm going and just take longer to get out of debt. This is likely what I will have to do but it sucks. I want to get rid of my stupid interest payments...I'm tired of paying extra money for the stupid stuff I spent my money while I was at school and Wal-Mart. My last option that i have been thinking about is the hardest one for me, but the one that might be the most logical solution and that's talking to Dad. Dad keeps offering to help me on little things like my tooth bill or going back to school, so maybe he would be open to lending me some money so I can get rid of the interest and just pay him back. Of course the problem with this solution is that I have to tell dad that I haven't always been so good with my money. Money is such a big deal to my dad and has always been a source of most of our fights that this is not an easy thing to do. Ultimately today I think that I came to a decision though, I think I will keep on with my plan until the fall or Christmas and then depending on how things look maybe create a plan that I can show dad. I know that the sooner I get out of debt the better off I will be.
The last of my spinning thoughts in the hardest...work. Work has been on my brain a lot this week. Although it was a short week at work with Thursday off for Canada Day it was a very long week. It looks like a new position may be opening up and people keep asking me if I'm going to apply for it. There would be good and bad about changing jobs but I'm not so sure it is worth my time moving from one admin job to another. The possibility has got me thinking though. I am trying to figure out how I need to move forward to be able to do what I want, not to mention to be able to find something that will make me happy. I'm so used to thinking like a writer, with a beginning, middle and end in mind, that not knowing the steps is a bit of challenge for me. My brain just keeps going over all the options and all the possible outcomes from each option. I don't normally let myself play what ifs because they are a waste of time but for whatever reason I'm stuck in a big giant 'what if' loop.
Oh well I have lots more thinking to do. I think the time is coming to turn off my brain and start acting though. Decision are needing to be made and it's time I get to it.
A journey in accepting myself for who I am now while working on making myself into the person I see in my future.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Chicks Flicks...a love hate relationship
This blog entry was first going to be on my summer blahs...but I'll save that for another day. I just finished watching the movie "Remember Me" and I loved it. As with most of the movies that get put into my favourites list it's a love story with a tragic ending. And like the majority of my favourites it made me cry. I'm willing to bet that the next time I watch it I will also cry again.
I'm sure some of you probably think I'm crazy (ok most of you probably do...heck I even do most days) but I love a movie that will make me cry. The harder I cry the more I like the movie. I curse them at the same time though because it never fails that these movies make me feel and think things that I don't normally allow myself to think and feel. The thing I like most about these movies though is that they do make me cry. It is an incredible release, I would even put it on the same level for me as an intense work out. I guess as I have gotten older I have learned to control my emotions more and I have stop letting myself cry. There was a time when I would cry over just about everything. It was a time when I didn't think anything was ever going to change. There are times where I still feel this but instead of just letting it out in a good cry I have to find a movie to make me cry, because I have trained myself not to let go. So as much as I hate the fact I cry in almost every movie, I am very glad that movies can make me feel so strongly. As a wannabe writer, it also make me want to be able to write something that is as moving and powerful.
This week has been a struggle for me, which is why I was happy to see Remember Me come out on dvd. I knew that it would be a good choice to help me let go of this past week. Nothing really bad happened or anything but I just found myself struggling. I lost all motivation for everything. It was a week where I realized how many obstacles are in my way of getting the things I want and a week where I didn't feel like I was going to be able to beat those obstacles. I know that my goals are all lofty goals and they will take time to achieve but at the same time, sometimes this is a curse. It is hard to stay focused on the here and now on the little accomplishments when you also know your other goals are so far away. I know that there is a path that will get me from point a to point b but I'll be damned if I can figure out where that path starts. I just try to remember that patience is a virtue and that anything worth having is worth fighting for and I keep hoping that it will be enough. And until I figure it all out I guess I'll just have to keep hoping good chick flicks keep coming to help keep me from getting too stressed out :-)
I'm sure some of you probably think I'm crazy (ok most of you probably do...heck I even do most days) but I love a movie that will make me cry. The harder I cry the more I like the movie. I curse them at the same time though because it never fails that these movies make me feel and think things that I don't normally allow myself to think and feel. The thing I like most about these movies though is that they do make me cry. It is an incredible release, I would even put it on the same level for me as an intense work out. I guess as I have gotten older I have learned to control my emotions more and I have stop letting myself cry. There was a time when I would cry over just about everything. It was a time when I didn't think anything was ever going to change. There are times where I still feel this but instead of just letting it out in a good cry I have to find a movie to make me cry, because I have trained myself not to let go. So as much as I hate the fact I cry in almost every movie, I am very glad that movies can make me feel so strongly. As a wannabe writer, it also make me want to be able to write something that is as moving and powerful.
This week has been a struggle for me, which is why I was happy to see Remember Me come out on dvd. I knew that it would be a good choice to help me let go of this past week. Nothing really bad happened or anything but I just found myself struggling. I lost all motivation for everything. It was a week where I realized how many obstacles are in my way of getting the things I want and a week where I didn't feel like I was going to be able to beat those obstacles. I know that my goals are all lofty goals and they will take time to achieve but at the same time, sometimes this is a curse. It is hard to stay focused on the here and now on the little accomplishments when you also know your other goals are so far away. I know that there is a path that will get me from point a to point b but I'll be damned if I can figure out where that path starts. I just try to remember that patience is a virtue and that anything worth having is worth fighting for and I keep hoping that it will be enough. And until I figure it all out I guess I'll just have to keep hoping good chick flicks keep coming to help keep me from getting too stressed out :-)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Long Over Due Update
Well I must apologize that so many weeks have passed since I last wrote. The stars just were not lining up to let me get on here and post. The last few weeks have tested my drive and determination to keep going. I have been worn out and tired. I have experience a lot of ups and a few downs all squished into the few weeks. I survived though and am feeling better for it.
The first major challenge was an abscessed tooth. I have never felt anything as painful in my life. It interfered with my sleep, distracted me from really enjoying myself my last day of visiting my Lethbridge friends and meant that I had to deal with my fear of dentists. The good news is I'm on the way to being completely repaired and I think I found a dentist that seems ok, definitely better than my last dentist anyway. The only benefit to an abscessed tooth is I wasn't able to eat so I managed to drop just over 4 pounds last week. Of course the downside is that being able to eat this week meant that I did gain a pound of the four back but I can deal with that.
A few of the good things was a trip to Lethbridge which always means I come home relaxed and more centered. One of the great things about visiting is getting to visit with my adopted niece. At almost two years old she is growing, learning and changing at a crazy rate so it is a lot of fun to visit and see what new things she is doing. I will tell you this if you ever want to just enjoy life just follow in a kids footsteps for the day. Getting to play and laugh and chase Artemis around leaves me feeling lighter and happier. It's a great reminder to me to keep having fun and not to get too serious. The more fun you have the better everything looks and the better you will feel.
Today I also got some positive motivation on all the hard work I have been doing to get healthier. A group of us went rollerskating again. I had a blast and was able to do way better this time. My legs are definitely stronger and I could go further and with less shaking legs. I was very happy and I'm looking forward to going again. I love how it feels when I do something and it is easier. It reminds me that I am actually making progress. It is a great boost to my drive. It makes me want to keep pushing and keep moving forward. Even though I've only lost just over 30 pounds I can't imagine going back to the way I was a year ago. I have way more energy and stamina now. I feel better, happier and more centered. I feel like everything is falling into place. It's exciting.
Anyway I know this was sort of a weird entry but I wanted to catch you all up. I'll try to come up with something better for next week ;-) Also stay tuned thinking about adding a recipe box for new recipes each week, so if anyone has any you want to share let me know :-)
The first major challenge was an abscessed tooth. I have never felt anything as painful in my life. It interfered with my sleep, distracted me from really enjoying myself my last day of visiting my Lethbridge friends and meant that I had to deal with my fear of dentists. The good news is I'm on the way to being completely repaired and I think I found a dentist that seems ok, definitely better than my last dentist anyway. The only benefit to an abscessed tooth is I wasn't able to eat so I managed to drop just over 4 pounds last week. Of course the downside is that being able to eat this week meant that I did gain a pound of the four back but I can deal with that.
A few of the good things was a trip to Lethbridge which always means I come home relaxed and more centered. One of the great things about visiting is getting to visit with my adopted niece. At almost two years old she is growing, learning and changing at a crazy rate so it is a lot of fun to visit and see what new things she is doing. I will tell you this if you ever want to just enjoy life just follow in a kids footsteps for the day. Getting to play and laugh and chase Artemis around leaves me feeling lighter and happier. It's a great reminder to me to keep having fun and not to get too serious. The more fun you have the better everything looks and the better you will feel.
Today I also got some positive motivation on all the hard work I have been doing to get healthier. A group of us went rollerskating again. I had a blast and was able to do way better this time. My legs are definitely stronger and I could go further and with less shaking legs. I was very happy and I'm looking forward to going again. I love how it feels when I do something and it is easier. It reminds me that I am actually making progress. It is a great boost to my drive. It makes me want to keep pushing and keep moving forward. Even though I've only lost just over 30 pounds I can't imagine going back to the way I was a year ago. I have way more energy and stamina now. I feel better, happier and more centered. I feel like everything is falling into place. It's exciting.
Anyway I know this was sort of a weird entry but I wanted to catch you all up. I'll try to come up with something better for next week ;-) Also stay tuned thinking about adding a recipe box for new recipes each week, so if anyone has any you want to share let me know :-)
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