30 Days of Joy: Day 22/30

Day 22’s Joy – Finding a Camp Chair

As a bigger lady there are a lot of things I see people take for granted that I wish I could take for granted too.  One of those things that most people probably never even think about is sitting in a chair.  Chairs are one of my biggest sources of anxiety because I’m always terrified that when I sit down they are going to break.  I can’t wait for the day when I am light enough not to worry about weight restrictions on anything.  I know that it will be a great joy to be able to take for granted sitting.  With this in mind it is probably not all that surprising that finding a camp chair, that has a high enough weight limit that I will never need to worry, brought me a lot of pure joy yesterday.  It also made me surprisingly emotional and reflective.  Hehe!

I have often avoided things or told myself that I will do that when I’m smaller, lighter, etc.  These thoughts sometimes kept me from looking for ways that I could do things even at my size.  I have come to realize that I felt weirdly like I was giving up on my weight loss goals if I was finding ways to do something.  So for example hunting for a chair with a high weight limit was something I wouldn’t have done a few years ago because if I couldn’t use a regular chair then I wouldn’t use any.  I know it sounds pretty crazy right.  It took a long time to realize that what I was actually doing was punishing myself for not being like everyone else.  Once I started to realize what was going on in my head I started to work to change it.  It is okay to find ways to do what I love, like sitting around a campfire, no matter what size I am because I deserve to be able to live my life doing things I love no matter how I have to do them.

Working on changing my thinking may have helped me find a camping chair yesterday but it has also played a part in many of the other things I have started doing over the last few years.  Everything from taking up running to joining a gym to even just buying myself pretty dresses to wear are all things that have come from reframing how I look at myself.  I have been learning to love myself as I am in this moment, as I was in the past and as the person I’m becoming.  This lesson is quite honestly one of the biggest reasons that I can even attempt to do a 30 day challenge about joy.  This change is probably something that deserves its own blog entry but for now I’ll leave it here in my 30 day challenge.

I truly hope and wish that anyone reading this can find the joy of loving yourself.  Embrace it.  Buy a camping chair or a pretty dress or whatever makes you feel amazing and worthy because you are.  Don’t’ wait for some future version of yourself to embrace yourself.  You are amazing, beautiful and wonderful. 

Yesterday’s entry

Challenge Introduction/Day 1