Long Over Due Update

Well I must apologize that so many weeks have passed since I last wrote. The stars just were not lining up to let me get on here and post. The last few weeks have tested my drive and determination to keep going. I have been worn out and tired. I have experience a lot of ups and a few downs all squished into the few weeks. I survived though and am feeling better for it.

The first major challenge was an abscessed tooth. I have never felt anything as painful in my life. It interfered with my sleep, distracted me from really enjoying myself my last day of visiting my Lethbridge friends and meant that I had to deal with my fear of dentists. The good news is I'm on the way to being completely repaired and I think I found a dentist that seems ok, definitely better than my last dentist anyway. The only benefit to an abscessed tooth is I wasn't able to eat so I managed to drop just over 4 pounds last week. Of course the downside is that being able to eat this week meant that I did gain a pound of the four back but I can deal with that.

A few of the good things was a trip to Lethbridge which always means I come home relaxed and more centered. One of the great things about visiting is getting to visit with my adopted niece. At almost two years old she is growing, learning and changing at a crazy rate so it is a lot of fun to visit and see what new things she is doing. I will tell you this if you ever want to just enjoy life just follow in a kids footsteps for the day. Getting to play and laugh and chase Artemis around leaves me feeling lighter and happier. It's a great reminder to me to keep having fun and not to get too serious. The more fun you have the better everything looks and the better you will feel.

Today I also got some positive motivation on all the hard work I have been doing to get healthier. A group of us went rollerskating again. I had a blast and was able to do way better this time. My legs are definitely stronger and I could go further and with less shaking legs. I was very happy and I'm looking forward to going again. I love how it feels when I do something and it is easier. It reminds me that I am actually making progress. It is a great boost to my drive. It makes me want to keep pushing and keep moving forward. Even though I've only lost just over 30 pounds I can't imagine going back to the way I was a year ago. I have way more energy and stamina now. I feel better, happier and more centered. I feel like everything is falling into place. It's exciting.

Anyway I know this was sort of a weird entry but I wanted to catch you all up. I'll try to come up with something better for next week ;-) Also stay tuned thinking about adding a recipe box for new recipes each week, so if anyone has any you want to share let me know :-)

When All the Balls Fall to the Ground

Today was a bit of a train wreck of self destruction. I'm working on two major goals, to lose weight and to get debt free, and I gave up on both of them today. The reality is I felt this coming on throughout the week and I probably could have avoided it by coming home after weight watchers rather than going grocery shopping, but I think as much as it sucks I needed today.

When everything slips out of my grasp it works to remind myself exactly what I want. There is something about just letting go completely to remind you just how much you really want the goals you have set for yourself. In the past a day like today would have meant the complete abandonment of everything and a horrible spiral back to my old ways. The good news is that is not the case this time. I plan to get up in the morning with a renewed sense of purpose and drive. I will get back on my budget and get back on working out and tracking my food. I guess what I want to say is just because all the balls fall to the ground doesn't mean you can't pick them up again. Sure you might have to hunt for the one or two that have rolled under the couch, but it is possible to pick them all up and toss them in the air again.

I do think I realized one thing though, I need to stop telling myself I can't do things. I think this collapse was a result of a week of arguing with myself about everything. I was getting fixated on what I shouldn't be doing. I started to tell myself I can't have this and I can't do that. As soon as I say I can't I get fixated on it and it becomes all I want, even to the point of self destruction. I know this about myself but unfortunately it is a lesson that I keep having to learn. The good news is I think that I get better at dealing with the lesson each time it rears its ugly head.

I know that I often talk like I'm giving advice, but here's the thing, I'm not. When I write I'm telling myself the things I want to hear and need to hear. I hope that in writing it down and sharing it with the world of cyberspace it will stick in my brain. If anyone gets anything out of this blog I'm thrilled for you but the honest truth is this is my therapy. I have a hard time opening up to people about what is going on in my brain but writing it here gives me an open forum. I become another anonymous voice in cyberspace babbling away like a crazy person. It's a strange world we live on, anyone can be a writer and have readers all thanks to the world of blogging. Since I was a little girl I've always wanted to be a writer and thanks to the love and support of my friends I have gotten that chance. It just shows that all goals can come true, even if it is not quite how we imagined them.

Control?????

Well I survived my birthday and my parents visiting but it wasn't without its pitfalls. It is always a challenge when my house is invaded by my family because I lose all my normal routines. It is great to have people around but it is a struggle to keep myself on track. My family comes with its own set of challenges. The last couple times they have visited I have started to realize where all my bad habits have come from. I do not blame them at all for where I am but I can certainly see some of my old habits in them. I try hard not to think about food all the time and I don't tend to bring things into the house that will get me in trouble, but when my family is around those are two of the battles I face. My family snacks all the time and food like donuts, ice cream cake and other treats seem to appear when my family is around.

So although I know that I will face these things when they appear I have never really planned for it and this time was no different. When they left though I felt horrible. My body was hating me and I was stressing over having to weigh in and part of my brain had even given up on fighting for what I really want. The reality is it is easier to give in and resort back to my old habits than it is to fight. I know that I am strong and capable of beating my old habits into submission but I also know that they will always be there. So the only solution I have is to make better plans for when I get into situations I can't control because as much as I think I can control the world, reality says there is no real control over anything except over how I choose to react to the world.

It is a strange thing to realize that no matter how hard you try to control things that it really isn't possible. The good news is that although the world may remind me that it can throw chaos into my routine, I can still make choices that allow me some control. I know where my weaknesses are, and I know my triggers so I just have to make sure that the next time my world is turned upside down I have a set of plans to deal with those challenges. A few strategic escape routes to get me through and keep me on the right track so I don't feel like I'm throwing away all the hard work I have been putting in.

Anyway for those of you who are wondering how bad the last two weeks have been it actually wasn't horrible. I only gained 1.8 pounds. Although coming up to Saturday this week I found myself pleading for a miracle because I was sure I was going to be up more. Luckily a small miracle occurred and I weighed in at the same weight as the week before. So with my weekly weigh in done I have put myself back on track. I'm ready to have an amazing week.