Thinking of You

It is hard to believe that a year has already gone by since I lost your voice in my life. It has probably been one of the longest years of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could open my email and have a message in my inbox from you. There are moments when I wish I would wake up one day and find out it was all a bad dream. Gradually, though, over the last year things have gotten easier. I can think of you without bursting into tears. I can remember the good stuff and not just how it felt when I found out you had died.

You were always my biggest cheerleader. You believed in me when I didn’t know that I should believe in myself. You opened my eyes to whole side of myself that may have gone unnoticed had it not been for you. I miss having you in my corner but deep down I know that you still are there. When I’m struggling with something I can hear your words in my mind. You gave me so much advice over the years I think I have something for almost every situation. As I have gotten back to my writing I can also hear you cheering for me again. I know you would be proud and would have gladly offered to read what I had written and offer your biased opinion on how good it is.

In the last year I have grown to realize a few things though that didn’t seem apparent to me at the time. The first is that even if you are no longer a phone call or email away I still have your words to keep reminding me of what matters. I’m grateful every day that I saved all of our emails back and forth. They mean more to me now than I ever could have realized at the time. They have let me keep your voice, advice and support alive. They are the perfect reminder of you when I’m really missing you.

The second thing I have started to realize is that I am stronger than I think I am. I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with my problems without you to get advice from but somehow in this last year of drama I have pulled through ok. So many things came to a head this year but I worked through them all and have even managed to find the old Jill again. I know I did some things you probably would have advised against but considering that things seem to be going really well now I guess I did all right.

The third thing I have realized is that life is far too short to be unhappy. I have learned to go after the things I need to make myself happy. I am also more quickly able to recognize the things that don’t and get rid of them. I’m always going to be a people pleaser but at least now I know not to let that get in the way of my own happiness.

These are all things you tried to instill in me when you were around. You were in a lot of cases the very first person to say things to me that I needed to hear and longed to hear. You gave me confidence in myself that I may have never have found.

So today, a year later, I raise a glass in your honour. William Gerber, I will never have another friend quite like you. I will never forget the gifts you have given me and will strive to live up to the expectations you had for me. I will miss you always and love you forever. Thank you for being such a good friend for the 10 years you were in my life. A girl couldn’t ask for a better best friend, mentor, cheerleader, sounding board or all around just good guy. You were a true gentleman.

These are my two previous entries about Will.

RIP Will
Remebering Will