Try Try Try

I’m currently vibrating with energy.  It happens whenever I accomplish something that I didn’t think was possible.   My trainer has been slowly introducing me to different exercises on a ball.  This has been a challenge in general because I had to get over my fear that the ball wouldn’t actually hold my weight even when the specs said that it would.  Now that I trust that the ball will my lovely trainer has been pushing the boundaries a little bit more.

harder than it looks especially if you are laughing

I love that I can goof around with my trainer.  She has been a great match

Another YMCA staff who has become a friend :-)

This exercise was both mentally and physically challenging.  She had me roll down from sitting into the bridge and then roll back up to sit again.  I was pretty sure there was no way it was going to happen.  I was giggling out of sheer nervousness.  I had to put a lot of trust in my trainer because she told me that I could do it.  Although my brain was screaming there was no way I tried it anyway.  The first one was horrible.  I rolled down laughing and shaking but when it came to trying to roll back up fear kicked in as my head and shoulders left the ball and were floating in air.  I was pretty sure I was going to fall backwards and crack my skull open.  But very ungracefully and with the help of my trainer I got back up and tried again.  The second time it was much easier because my body knew that my legs would hold me when I was in the bridge.  I still struggled a bit to roll back up into sitting but did it the second time.  Then the third and fourth were almost easy because I knew I could do it and because I wanted photos.  It’s not every day you can document a truly important moment.  I experience a lot of them at the gym but usually don’t get pictures of it.

There is no proof more powerful of the progress I’m making than when I can do something that my brain says I can’t.  When I first decided to live my year with no fear in 2014 this was what I was looking for.  I was looking for those moments where I was worried, scared, nervous or just plain convinced I couldn’t do something so that I could push through them.  Logically I knew that this was the best way to grow and learn but it wasn’t then and still isn’t an easy mantra to live by but it is one that gets me the best results.  Pushing through the things that scare me has helped me to grow my confidence in more ways than I probably even realize.  It has helped me to learn more and more about my body and what it is capable of.  It has helped to change my world.

When I remember tonight later on what I want to remember is the following:

1. Sometimes you just have to trust the people you have hired to help you

2. Your mind is a powerful tool and it needs to be on your side

3. Laughter makes everything better…well it does make holding the bridge harder but if I wasn’t laughing I probably never would have done it :-)

4. I am able to do anything if I can just learn to trust myself and be okay if I can’t do it perfect.

5. Most important always just try because you might just surprise yourself.

I’m so proud every day of the work I have been doing.  I love how my body is changing.  I also love how my mind is changing.  I feel like I’m truly growing into the woman I was meant to be.

 

Right before joining the gym and now.  Not a perfect comparison but it is pretty apparent my body is changing

Ready or Not…

It seems like ages ago that I got up on January 1^st and registered myself for my next 5K run.  I decided it would be the first thing I was going to do in 2015 as a symbol of how I planned to spend this year – being active.  Well 5 months later I’m only a few days out from running my second race ever.  Tonight I have been thinking about the last 5 months and know that there is nothing else I can do now to change the outcome of Sunday’s race.  Ready or not this race will be run. 

I have to say that I feel a lot more confident going into this race than I was going into the Terry Fox, last September.  I have been incredibly blessed with a trainer who has been super willing to find answers for me when she isn’t sure of the best way to train me.  (I mean it’s not every day someone my size says hey I want to run, how do we get me there…thank god for her patience.)  When I started telling her about my struggles with running and my desire to have a training plan she found answers and came up with a plan.  The day she presented it to me I looked at her like she was nuts.  She proposed a plan in which I would run at a snail’s pace for 30 seconds and then walk for 30 seconds and repeat.  As the weeks would go by I would increase my running time.  To say I had major doubts is probably an understatement.  I left telling her I was doubtful it would work but that I would at least try it. This was and so far is the only time I have ever really second guessed my trainer.  I didn’t think it was possible to do such short intervals and be able to keep my breath and not want to die.  I’m glad to say I was proven wrong and I have never been happier to eat a little crow and tell her I was wrong.

The last couple of months have been following her plan and working my way up not only to longer run intervals on the treadmill but also to running longer distances every Sunday when I hit local parks to run set distances outside.  The results have blown me away.  I went from hardly being able to do intervals outside on my first couple Sunday’s to now running almost all of them.  Outside I’m still doing 30 seconds on and 30 off but the consistency is night and day to what it was.  In the gym on the treadmill I have been able to increase my interval time to 45seconds on and 30 seconds walking which means I’m officially running more than I walk.  This thrills me in so many ways.

Having spent the last few months working so hard on training I feel super excited to see what Sunday will bring.  When I signed up on Jan 1^st my original goal was that I would run the 5K in under an hour.  When my trainer gave me my new training plan I decided to change that goal because running at a slower pace I didn’t actually expect that it would be possible plus I had major doubts with the terrain of the run.  So I changed my goal to just run more than I walk since the last race I did I walked way more than I ran. 

Now at the end of the training I once again am looking at my goals.  On Sunday I ran my fastest 5K yet.  I finished the training run in 1 hour 3mins and 19 seconds.  I was so close to being under 1 hour that it is all I have been thinking about since Sunday.  I’m trying to keep things realistic and know that my run is taking place in a location that will have hills, which I have done some training on but it’s not my strongest strength but there is a part of me that can’t help but hope I can pull off this run in less than an hour.  That being said I figured it was worth sharing my goals.  So here is what I hope to accomplish on Sunday.

1. To consistently run my intervals as much as possible.  I may not be able to do the whole 5K alternating 30 on and 30 off but it is my plan to run as many of them as possible even if I’m only just barely jogging.  The struggle will be in the 2^nd and 3^rd kilometers.  These are typically the kms where my brain likes to try and get in my way.

2. To beat my Terry Fox run time.  I finished my first 5k in 1 hour and 16 minutes.  I will consider this race a success even if I do it in 1 hour and 15 minutes.  There is some fear that with the hills I will actually have a longer time and if that happens I will be a little crushed but if I have done the first goal I will still be happy and proud of all that I have done.

3. My third goal is not so much a goal as a dream.  I would really like to finish my 5K in under an hour.  If I had run all my intervals last Sunday I would have finished in under an hour of that I’m fairly confident.  I’m counting on the fact that I will have my trainer with me (because she is awesome and signed up to support me) and the adrenaline of the race to help push so that hopefully I can push through the hard spots and kick some ass.  If I don’t accomplish this 3^rd goal I will still be over the moon excited with my results but this would be the icing on a pretty fabulous cake if I can do it.  I might even have to reward myself with a piece of cake if I do this ;-)

Whatever happens on Sunday I know that I have given my all so that I am as prepared as I can be.  I have worked hard and consistently for more than a year and have been specifically training for this race for months now.  Since completing the Terry Fox I have gotten stronger, more confident and gained more skills to help me on this journey.  I am also carrying 25 less pounds than I did the last time which helps.  I am so proud of myself.  I keep reminding myself that no matter what happens on Sunday I will still leave that race a winner.  

One of the photos from a 6 month photo session to help document my journey

One of the photos from a 6 month photo session to help document my journey

Photos taken by HelloLuv Photography

Progress in Cold Hard Numbers

I have been struggling with how to write about my personal training for as many months as I have been doing it (which is just over 4 months now).  To say that is has changed my life feels like an understatement and at the same time I feel like putting so much importance on training takes away from the other parts of this journey that began long before training.  The reality is though that training has changed a lot about me, not just physically but mentally and spiritually as well.  The way I think about a lot of this journey, about food and about exercise have changed a great deal as I have been working with my trainer.  It is true that these things were also changing before training but certainly I feel that it has been more dramatic since I first got my trainer. 

I’m still working on being able to write about all of this coherently but in the mean time I figured it was time to do something I haven’t really ever done on this blog before.  It is time to share some of the numbers that I have been using to drive me through this journey.  I am writing this entry not only to share the changes I have been making but also as a way to show myself that no matter how slow this journey is and how long it is taking , progress is happening.  I am moving forward one baby step at a time and learning to love every minute of it.  I am becoming stronger physically and mentally.  I am finding my confidence and my inner athlete.

Weight Related Numbers

Highest weigh in happened Sept 7, 2013

From Sept 7 2013 to Mar 7, 2015 total pounds lost 38.6 pounds

Weight lost from Feb 7, 2015 to Mar 7, 2015 is 5.6 pounds

Training

Total hours done = 19

Total number of sessions = 27 (I think although I might be off by one or two)

Strength Training Numbers (based on the 4 weeks from Jan 14 – Feb 11)

Chest Press with dumbbells – started with 15 pounds up to 40 pounds

Cable Row – started with 60 pounds and up to 70 pounds

Bicep curl with dumbbells – started with 15 pounds up to 20

Cable tricep push downs – started with 20 (which by the 3^rd set was a real struggle) and up to 25

Leg Press – started with 90 and now up to 105

Shoulder Press – started with 10 pounds and up to 15 pounds

Cardio Numbers 

First 5K = 1 hour 16 minutes

30 second timed intervals

Exercise	Feb 7th	Mar 7th	Feb 7th	Mar 7th	Feb 7th	Mar 7th
Mod Burpee	9	9	9	9	9	10
Squat and press 6lbs	15	17	17	15	16	14
Med ball smash 10lbs	16	17	14	18	16	20
Agility ladder single steps	7	7.5	7	8	7	8
Step Ups	14	13	14	13	14	15

I have learned in this journey that as important as the numbers are for showing me that I’m improving they really do only tell half the picture.  There are times when the numbers don’t reflect the effort so I have also spent a great deal of time making sure to track and journal my emotions & overall physical sensations.  These results are more subjective but are equally as important in showing my success.  I know that I feel better, stronger, faster and more agile but these are hard to document in the same way.  I have learned to trust myself and this process.  I put a lot of faith into the people like my trainer who are guiding and supporting me.  All of this has helped give me the results that I see in the following pictures.

Even the biggest of distances can be tackled over time with the smallest of steps, as long as you keep moving in the right direction.  Hills happen but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other even they can be climbed.  I will end this entry with a quote that I love from C S Lewis - “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different”.  

A Little Off Kilter

This week has been an interesting week that has spawned a lot of talking and a lot of journal writing so I figured it was probably worth sharing.

This week started off the same as any other week but I just didn’t feel myself.  There was nothing physically wrong that I could put my finger on, no major stress or really nothing out of the ordinary going on and yet all week (well okay at least Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday) I felt out of sorts.  Silly things were getting to me like the hum of the new air conditioner they put in our office or the fact I left my phone at home going to the gym Wednesday night.  It’s just those little things that make you feel like you are slowly going a little nuts.

This all came to a head in last night’s personal training session.  I walked in and warmed up like normal.  I chatted with a few of my favourite regular gym buddies and waited for my training time.  Wednesday’s is always one of my favourite nights because it is the night that my trainer and I do strength training.  I have learned that I completely love lifting weights.  I generally leave feeling strong and very bad ass.  Last night though I wasn’t feeling it.  I wasn’t upset or sad or happy or excited.  I was just there.  The reality is that if I hadn’t had a training session I probably wouldn’t have even gone to the gym.  The session itself was tough.  It was the first time we worked for a solid 60mins without any major chat breaks.  The exercises were nothing really that I hadn’t done before although in some cases we added weight but certainly nothing I couldn’t handle.  I expected to be able to just put the effort in and get through it like any other week.  That was not to be however.  I was blown away when sheer emotion swept over me. 

The first moment I really noticed the emotion was when I went from doing chest presses right into a set of single arm rows.  As I transitioned to the rows I suddenly felt like I wanted to cry.  I had to actually fight the tears back.  Luckily focusing on lifting the weight helped refocus my brain and chase the tears away.  I was also a little terrified to cry on a weight floor full of teenage boys and strong men.  It made me think of the moment in A League of Their Own where Tom Hanks says there’s no crying in baseball only of course in my head it was there’s no crying on the weight floor.  hehehe

As we moved to the next set of exercises I was faced with the negative voice that sometimes pops into my brain.  We had been doing sumo squats with a kettle bell and then doing step ups with a weight.  I did the sumo squats without a problem (I have grown to really love squats) but when it came to move to the steps my brain started screaming that my legs were too shakey to do it and that I couldn’t do it.  As my trainer told me to go I froze.  I looked at her and told her straight up that my legs were arguing and it took me a minute but I was able to tell myself I could do it.  Each time I came to the steps ups I had to tell my brain to shut up. 

The last moment that really got to me was as I went to do these push ups.  They aren’t hard but we do a push up on a bar that runs around the track.  As I push up I push back and off the bar.  As we went to do them for a second set I felt like I was going to cry.  Again focusing on the exercise chased them away but it still is crazy to me. 

The negative voice isn’t new to me.  I know that I’m always going to have to deal with it.  I think we all do.  Telling it to shut up was fairly easy for me.  Of course it helps that my trainer also started chanting that I could do it.  When I have someone cheering me on it is much easier for me to tell myself that I can do it and believe in the power of what I’m doing.  Even when my trainer said on my last set I only had to do 10 per side instead of our normal 12 I still did 12.  I did battle with that negative voice and again proved that it doesn’t know anything.

The wanting to cry was a bit strange to me though.  Normally if I’m going to cry I know why - usually it’s the result of a sappy movie or a moment of self-pity or maybe just a moment of feeling lonely - but the weird thing last night was there was no reason.  I just felt the tears well up and want to spill over.  I was feeling any specific emotion but yet I still wanted to cry.  It was a new experience for me.

As crazy as the last few days were and especially last night I did learn a few things about myself.  The first is that sometimes you just need to have an emotional night.  It might feel a bit scary but sometimes you just need to let it sweep over you.  I woke up this morning and felt refreshed and ready to start over.  It was like everything that needed to be released was let go of last night. 

The second thing I learned about myself was a reminder of just how tough I am.  I think sometimes I forget that I have power within me that can get me through anything.  I have spent a large part of my life taking the easy way out and just doing enough to get by so fighting my way through the hard stuff last night felt really empowering.  Last night’s work out because of the emotional factor was one of the hardest I have ever done but I got through it.  I fought against the tears and the negative voice and came out the other side.  Not only did I accomplish everything my trainer asked but I was able to find focus and determination that I don’t think I really realized I had.  I am one strong cookie and I look forward to the next time I have to prove it to myself.

The reality of the journey that I’m on to lose weight and change my life is that nights like last night are bound to happen.  I knew when I made the decision to change my life that it was going to be a battle.  I’m going up against a lot of years of bad habits but I know that slowly I will change and replace them all with habits that support the life I see in my future.  My trainer likes to say “it is already done”.  It is anything that we have set our minds to.  The biggest part of the battle is making the choice to take the first step.  For me what this means is that although I’m still moving through this journey I already am at the end of it.  In my head I’m there I’m living the life I want.  I just need to wait for my body to catch up with what my mind and soul already know.

I Am A Gym Person!

I’m not sure when it happened but I realized today as I was driving to the gym that I have become a “gym person”. 

A gym person to me is someone who is always in the gym.  It doesn't seem to matter when you go they are already there and they always stay longer than you do.  They seem to know everyone and you can tell that they are enjoying what they do.  They know how to use all the equipment and they don’t seem to have any doubt that they should be there.

When I started at the Y I was only going on the weekends because my weekdays were spent at the gym at my workplace.  So when I would come in Saturday morning, I would hop on the treadmill and just watch.  No one knew me because I was only there one day a week.  I felt like an outsider and like I didn't belong but at the same time I felt a great deal of envy for the ease with which the regulars seemed to move around the gym.  They were intimidating and inspiring all at the same time.  I didn't know how they got there but you could tell they belonged.

Well somehow over the last year, I think that I have become one of those people (although hopefully not intimidating).  It amazes me to think how much my life has changed in the last year.  I love going to the gym.  I love how no matter what I’m doing when I am there that I leave feeling empowered, strong and confident.  Who knew something as simple as small piece of plastic (my gym membership) could have so completely changed me?  I do know and realize that I owe some of the change to personal training but that is a topic for another blog entry (which is proving far harder to write).

One of the biggest changes that has happened is how much I love going to the gym.  It is actually really hard for me to miss a day.  When something comes up and I do have to miss a day I try my best to make it happen on one of my rest days.  If I can’t do that I try to get out and at least go for a walk at lunch.  There was a time where I lived for the days when I could do nothing and now I struggle with them.  Being active truly has become more than just a goal to work towards.  I really make every effort to live it now. 

Something else that has surprised me is my confidence at the gym.  I don’t feel like an outsider anymore.  Sure I’m still not the smallest or most fit person there but it doesn't matter anymore.  When I walk into the gym I feel like I own the place.  I have often told my trainer that I feel like a rock star.  I stand tall and move with confidence.  My normal shyness doesn't seem to exist when I’m there.  I will talk to strangers, looking them in the eye and all with ease.  It feels like I really have become a whole new person.  I’m not trying to hide anymore.  For once in my life I want people to notice me and they are – and not because I’m the big girl trying to work out but because I’m the big girl who is changing her life.

Another thing that has really surprised me is something I didn't expect and not even something I really noticed but something my trainer pointed out.  The harder the activity or work out the bigger I smile.  When she told that to one of the other trainers, who we were talking with, I started to realize something else – I love to be challenged.  I love doing the things that people have said I can’t do or that I have even told myself I can’t do.  The harder it is the more I want to tackle it.  I love the feeling I get when I push myself and the gym has given me so many opportunities to prove that I am more capable and stronger than I could have ever have imagined.  Nothing feels impossible when I’m at the gym.  I go each day (especially training days) and am excited to see what new thing I can try.  I love every minute of it.

I don’t know if my experiences are unique but I do know that I get how people can become gym people.  The atmosphere, the support, the challenge and the instant gratification that comes from doing something new – it all helps to create a place that lets me feel amazing.  It is a place that is letting me grow into the person I have always wanted to be.  It is a place I once feared but now embrace.  So I will proudly claim that I am now and hopefully will forever be a gym person.

Anything is Possible…

…with a dream, hard work, and the support of your loved ones.

It seems like a long time ago now when I first mentioned to a friend the idea of signing up to run a 5K.  She didn’t laugh or say why not try walking one first but instead told me she thought it was a great idea and that she would join me.  Now 6 months later and with her beside me I finished my very first 5K yesterday.  This entry is all about my run and dedicated to everyone who has loved, supported and cheered me on.  I’m honoured and humbled by all that you bring into my life.

Yesterday I did something that I didn’t truly believe was possible even though I had already proved to myself that I could walk 5k over and over.  Yesterday I not only participated in the Terry Fox run but I also jogged chunks of it.  I wasn’t the fastest (which I knew I wasn’t going to be) but it didn’t matter in the slightest.  All that mattered was that I finished and I finished strong. 

 

Doing the 5K wasn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be even as prepared as I was.  I had moments of real struggle like when I got a stitch in my side or when just as I was about to start running to the finish line my back felt so tight that I had to stop and stretch it out before I could run again.  I also quickly realized as much as I have worked on the voice in my head that it still speaks up with doubt when I’m doing something challenging.  It popped up right after I had done my first run interval and started to remind me of how much harder this was than running on the treadmill and telling me that there was no way I would be able to keep doing it.  Luckily I had two great partners beside me to talk and distract me from that voice and reassuring me that I can do this.  By the time I finished my second run interval that doubt was forgotten and determination took over.

In spite of the challenges something I’m very proud of is the fact that I was able to keep my smile and positive attitude the whole time.  I even managed to keep laughing and joking of course some of that was probably just nervous energy.  I wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to maintain my mood before I started.  In fact I had previously warned my friend that I would probably be tired and cranky by the end of everything.  What I was counting on was how truly amazing it felt to be out doing this run for cancer research with about 1500 other people.  The crowd was enthusiastic and excited.  It was hard not to be positive and smiling.  

 

Nearing the end but still smiling and still moving!

The last kilometer was the probably the hardest for me because although I knew I could finish my body was starting to feeling the strain of my weight and previous four kilometers.  I was tired and just waiting for the end.  It felt so close and so far all at the same time.  I just kept putting one foot in front of the other though and kept moving towards the end.

As we reach the final few meters my lower back was incredibly tight and sore but I was determined to run across the finish line.  So I quickly stopped to stretch my back out a bit and then my friend beside me we jogged to the end and across that finish line.  What amazed me was the burst of energy I felt just before I was going to cross it.  I could feel my body push a little faster and I ran across it strong and smiling.  In that moment I didn’t even see the people around me or hear the cheers I just felt this huge rush go through my body.  It was exhilarating.  I have never been more proud of myself in that moment. It was such an accomplishment.  It has been a long time since I worked so diligently and hard towards a goal.  I most definitely will be doing this again.

Along with being proud of my run I am also proud of the amount of money my team and myself were able to raise for the cause.  My personal total raised was $540.  Along with that I take credit for the team fundraising events total of 375.85 which means I very nearly made my goal of $1000.  Overall as a team we managed to raise over $2300 (I’m not sure what the final total was as we had some last minute donations that didn’t get added in to our page).  I am so proud of the work we put in and the amount we pulled off especially since this was the first time I have ever really taken on something like this.  I am proud to be able to do a small part in the large battle against cancer.

Before I end this blog I want to take a few minutes to acknowledge some very special people.  I couldn’t have done this journey on my own and I think a great deal of thanks need to be shared. (Sorry I know it’s rather award show of me but I really couldn’t have done this on my own and I think recognition should always be shared.)

The first thank you has to go to my fellow Screening Sirens.  I put the idea out to all of you and you all blew me away with your willingness to sign on and jump in.  You have been there to help me with fundraising and to just be there so I knew I had a reason I couldn’t quit.  I loved being the captain of such a great group of positive people.  I look forward to doing it again with all of you.

Screening Sirens showing a little love

Second I need to thank all of my donors both my personal donors and the team donors.  It was an honour to be able to do this run on your behalf.  I hope that I have done you all proud.  It is because of you I feel I can say that this run was a success on all sides.  I have so much love and gratitude to all of you who were willing to support me with your donations.

Third to EVERYONE who has every cheered me on especially on Facebook.  You have kept me going on this journey even on the hardest days.  You shared your excitement and enthusiasm for what I was doing.  You filled my world with so much positivity it would have been impossible for me not to succeed.  You are family and friends from around the world and I shine because of you.

Last a very special thank you to Tina.  I want you to know how much your support has meant to me.  You inspire me to do more and keep reaching towards becoming the active person I know that I am inside.  You have taken the time to walk with me countless times over the last few months.  You have encouraged me and offered so much advice.  You have never once shown anything but positive energy towards me and my goals no matter how crazy they may seem.  Without fail you have kept my worst doubts at bay and shown me that I really can reach for things that seem out of reach.  Without you I don’t know that this run would have happened.  You moved my journey along by asking me to walk with you at lunches and promising that you would go at my pace.  I’m glad you were persistent and kept inviting me even when I kept coming up with excuses why I couldn’t.  I am forever grateful that I finally said yes and started walking and that you were still ready to go.  You were true to your word and stayed at my pace even though you are capable of going so much faster and it has meant the world to me.  It has been a privilege to do this run with you and I can’t wait for the day when I can say let’s go at your pace.

Tina and I hanging out before the run

We did it!

This journey has proved to myself that anything is possible if you set your mind to it.  I am a changed woman for having taken on this challenge.  I have found strength, pride, confidence, love, support and so much more.  All it took was a small idea, some blood, sweat & tears and a whole lot of belief in myself.  If I can do this I know that I can do anything.  Heck if I can do this anyone can do anything.  Impossible things happen every day we might as well make them happen for us.

Finding My Running Legs: Lessons Learned on Weight Loss

*Series in progress*  This entry is part of a series I’m writing leading up to my running (walking…but hopefully mostly running) my first 5K.  For more information on this series check out the introduction here or just continue on reading this entry.  I have also included links at the end to the other entries and to both the Terry Fox Foundation and my run fundraising page.

Today’s lesson is more of a mind shift than something concrete.  In the last 6 months as I have been training myself to learn how to run I began to realize that this journey I’m on that I have always thought of as a weight loss journey actually isn’t about weight loss.  As I have been working through this process what I have come to realize that well weight loss is great it is not the main thing that I count on anymore.  Watching a scale has never really been my thing but more and more I realize that what my journey needs to be and is becoming a journey to become healthy and to make the best choices for me and my overall health.  Weight loss plays a factor but there is so much more to it and honestly now it really just feels like the icing on the cake.

Over the last few years but most especially in the last 6 months I feel like my whole life has been changing for the better.  I am losing weight but I have gained so much more in my life than just seeing a number on a scale drop.  I feel like I’m learning how to figure out who I am and what I want in life.  I have discovered a whole list of new things that I love (including running) and discovered a lot of stuff that was getting in my way (especially a lot of emotional baggage).  When I take a snapshot of my life right now I see a whole new Jill standing in the picture.  She is more accepting, more conscious of what she is doing and she is happy.  She is driven and confident.  She is me and I am her.  I feel like I have finally found my groove. 

This maybe my shortest entry but it is still important.  I know that so many of us base our success on the number that comes up on the scale but trust me when I say that there is so many better ways to define success.  Look to other things like how you feel or doing something you have never done before or just making smarter choices as ways to find success.  Healthy is the goal we should all strive for and for me part of healthy does include weight loss but I know and trust that if I work towards healthy then the weight loss will follow as well.

To donate and check out my progress please visit my page here.

For more information on the Terry Fox Foundation and the run check out their page here.

Finding My Running Legs Previous Entries

• Introduction
• Importance of Goals
• Picking Goals
• Tracking Goals
• Celebrating
• My Changing Body
• Strength
• Mirrors

Finding My Running Legs: Lessons Learned on Mirrors

*Series in progress*  This entry is part of a series I’m writing leading up to my running (walking…but hopefully mostly running) my first 5K.  For more information on this series check out the introduction here or just continue on reading this entry.  I have also included links at the end to the other entries and to both the Terry Fox Foundation and my run fundraising page.

Whether you love or hate them mirrors are everywhere in our world and as someone who is working to change how my image looks in the mirror I have come to learn a valuable lesson, they lie.  Well no that’s not quite true because they do reflect back what is standing in front of them but what we see is a different story.  I have come to realize at least for me when I look in a mirror my brain puts a filter on it which I have also learned I have to be careful with because it can play havoc on what I think about myself.

This lesson started to come about as people started to tell me things like how good I’m starting to look and that they can see I’m losing weight.  I always appreciate it when people take the time to tell me that but I was finding that I was having a hard time believing it.  When I look in the mirror I see the same Jill I always see.  It doesn’t matter that the scale has been showing I’ve been losing weight, I just don’t see it.  This is not a big deal most of the time but if I’m having a bad day and I look in a mirror there is nothing in the world I want more than to see a different reflection.  Logically I know that we see what we want to see which means on a good day I think hey I’m looking great and on a bad day all I see is how far I still have to go. 

I knew that I had to change this thinking so that I didn’t drive myself nuts. I knew that I couldn’t stop looking at my reflection because they are everywhere (including in front of the treadmills where I spend more mornings) but I knew that I had to change the power they had on me.  I came up with two solutions the first was just to remind myself every time I see my reflection that what I see is not necessarily the truth.  I accept it as an image but remind myself not to let it affect me emotionally.  This in practice is not as easy as it is to write but I’m working on it.

The second solution was to start taking monthly photos of myself.  A picture is still just another type of reflection but in having the same photos in the same clothes month after month I can then actually compare the images.  It was in starting to take these pictures that I could actually see what other people are seeing.  If I look at them one at a time I still don’t see the changes but in being able to compare them it becomes more and more obvious that I am moving in the right direction.

I also started to focus more on what my clothes and body were telling me.  As the last 6 months have gone by I have been feeling the changes that I couldn’t see.  Dresses that I bought last summer are fitting looser and hanging better.  The signs are all there that what other people are seeing is the truth so I focus on those things and let me tell you it has been a huge help.  Since making the decision to focus less on the reflections and more on other things I have had less bad days.  It goes back to what I was saying yesterday about making my brain work for me.

I guess what I really want to say with this entry is don’t let the reflections you see play a derailing factor in what you are doing.  Remember that our eyes are connected to our brain and our brains work as natural filters to fill in what it thinks we are seeing.  This can be both good and bad but it shouldn’t control your emotions.  It’s not an easy thing to do but I’m learning to love myself for all that I am at this moment.  There is no point in being critical of an image we want to see but aren’t.  The image in the mirror is beautiful no matter what it is showing because we are all beautiful.  You can’t live for the reflection you used to see or for the reflection you want to see all you have is the reflection of now.

To donate and check out my progress please visit my page here.

For more information on the Terry Fox Foundation and the run check out their page here.

Finding My Running Legs Previous Entries

• Introduction
• Importance of Goals
• Picking Goals
• Tracking Goals
• Celebrating
• My Changing Body
• Strength

Finding My Running Legs: Lessons Learned on Strength

*Series in progress*  This entry is part of a series I’m writing leading up to my running (walking…but hopefully mostly running) my first 5K.  For more information on this series check out the introduction here or just continue on reading this entry.  I have also included links at the end to the other entries and to both the Terry Fox Foundation and my run fundraising page.

Strength is one of those things that can apply in so many aspects of our lives and I think one thing that I have learned is that we don’t always realize how much strength we possess until it is really tested.  I have always known that physically I’m strong, you have to be to carry around the weight that I do but learning to run has really showed how much strength I have in more ways than just physical strength.  I wasn’t expecting this.  This entry is dedicated to not only the strength of my body, but also to the strength of my mind as well as the strength of my desire to run.  Each of these things has come to mean a great deal to me and had I not decided to try to run I don’t know when I would have realized just how much strength I possess.

As I mentioned I have always considered myself to be physically strong but as I talked about yesterday there was still things that I didn’t think I could do because I didn’t think my body would be able to.  Each day when I push myself a little bit further on the treadmill I can feel the strength in my body.  I feel the power of my legs pushing me further and it is pretty exciting.  Better than that since starting this process I have also started to feel actual muscle definition in my legs which is pretty cool.  Feeling the physical changes in my body has helped keep me going even though I don’t actually see the changes that are happening but I’ll write more on that tomorrow.

As great as it is to feel my physical strength grow I have to say that learning the strength that exists in my mind has been the best lesson.  In the past if something was hard or in the case of exercise made me feel tired or my legs shake I would stop but now I have been reminding myself that it is mind over matter.  Today actually I was reminded of this.  I was on the treadmill trying to get to 1.55miles (half of the 5K) as fast as I could and while I was running I began to feel my calf cramping up.  In the past I would have stopped the treadmill and got off thinking it was my body’s way of saying it was too much but today I just slowed to a walk and continued at a slower pass until the cramp passed.  The whole time I just kept repeating in my mind that I have this and that I have done this before so I can do it now.  Before long I was able to run again with the cramp having passed.  Our mind is such a powerful thing and if I can use that power to keep me moving I’m going to do everything I can to harness it.

I think one of the things that has shocked me the most on this journey, besides just how much my mind plays a role in keeping me going, is something that is also sort of related to the strength of my mind – it is the desire to run.  I mean I have always wanted to do it but now that I am actually running I find I want more.  I wasn’t really expecting to love it as much as I am.  I look forward to my run days and as nervous as next weekend is making me I’m anxious to run across that finish line.  The only other activity that has come close to feeling as good as running has to me is dancing but the difference is I don’t feel self-conscious at all when I run, I can’t say the same for dancing.  It is pretty amazing to have an activity that I can get excited over.

I think humans are inherently strong.  I think most of us don’t realize just how strong we really are but at least for me I am starting to learn to trust my strength and accept that it really is there to help me along.  I know now that no matter what this crazy world throws at me I will find a way to make it work.  I possess everything that I need to achieve anything my brain thinks is a good idea, we all do.  It is time to embrace our strength and make our dreams come true.

To donate and check out my progress please visit my page here.

For more information on the Terry Fox Foundation and the run check out their page here.

Finding My Running Legs Previous Entries

• Introduction
• Importance of Goals
• Picking Goals
• Tracking Goals
• Celebrating
• My Changing Body

Finding My Running Legs: Lessons Learned on My Changing Body

*Series in progress*  This entry is part of a series I’m writing leading up to my running (walking…but hopefully mostly running) my first 5K.  For more information on this series check out the introduction here or just continue on reading this entry.  I have also included links at the end to the other entries and to both the Terry Fox Foundation and my run fundraising page.

I have spent years doubting my own abilities when it comes to physical activity.  Growing up overweight meant that where other people seemed to enjoy gym class I dreaded it.  As much as I wanted to keep up with my friends the reality was I couldn’t and didn’t know how to really fix it.  That feeling of not being able to do something stuck with me and I began to really believe that there was just some things that I couldn’t do until I lost weight.  Running was definitely one of those things.  I think one of the coolest lessons I have learned on this journey is that in spite of doubting myself my body has been more than ready to accept all the new challenges I have thrown at it including running.  

The very first morning I tried running (June 30^th for those who are curious) will forever be in my brain.  Some of it is of course because I have it written down and recorded it but some of it is because of how powerful that day was for me.  I was nervous and excited walking in to the gym because I woke up knowing that it was the day I was going to try and run.  I had no clue what to expect and if I would actually be able to do it but I knew it was now or never.  As my warm up neared its end I felt my heart rate increase and it wasn’t just because of the exercise.  I set my mind, focused on the mirror in front of me and turned up the speed on the treadmill forcing me to start to jog.  Let me tell you those first 30 seconds felt like the longest in my life.  When I finished I felt like my lungs were going to explode from my chest but in spite of that I also almost instantly felt a big rush.  It was like everything became clear.  I knew in that moment that not only was my body able to run but it was made to run.  I could just feel it and let me tell you it felt amazing.  That first run I think I did 5 or 6 intervals and when I stopped I was exhausted but it didn’t matter because I had just proven that I could do anything.  I left the gym walking taller than when I came in and with a smile that stretched from ear to ear.

That lesson (that I could do this) and that moment is one that will stick with me forever but it has been more than just that first run day that has proven this.  I continue to prove it to myself each and every time I do something that I couldn’t the day before.  In the last two month I have pushed myself harder and done more than I thought possible.  I have slowly increased my run time from 30 secs to 90 seconds.  It is not the easiest thing I have ever done but it hasn’t killed me yet.  As hard as it is my body has not slowed down and in fact when the workouts get too easy it begins to crave the increase.  In fact other than the day after my first run I have not experienced any pain or stiffness which has blown me away.  It was not what I expected on this journey.  Each day when I go into the gym I feel like I can go a little further or a little faster even if it is only just small changes.

I once half-jokingly said to a friend on Facebook that I was born to be a runner but someone just forgot to tell my body sooner.  After I wrote it I realized that it is kind of true.  Running feels natural and amazing to me.  I want to do more and be able to go further.  I have finally told myself that running is something that I want in my life and that I’m ready to continue to move towards it as a goal.  I know that even when the Terry Fox run is over I will continue to push myself to improve and continue on this journey to be able to run.  My hope…no my goal is that by next year when I do this run again I will be able to run the whole thing.  Nothing is going to stop me now.  My body is only getting faster and before long I will be running everywhere.  There is nothing in my way that I won’t beat and that has been an incredible lesson that everyone should get to experience.  


To donate and check out my progress please visit my page here.

For more information on the Terry Fox Foundation and the run check out their page here.

Finding My Running Legs Previous Entries

• Introduction
• Importance of Goals
• Picking Goals
• Tracking Goals
• Celebrating