Try Try Try

I’m currently vibrating with energy.  It happens whenever I accomplish something that I didn’t think was possible.   My trainer has been slowly introducing me to different exercises on a ball.  This has been a challenge in general because I had to get over my fear that the ball wouldn’t actually hold my weight even when the specs said that it would.  Now that I trust that the ball will my lovely trainer has been pushing the boundaries a little bit more.

harder than it looks especially if you are laughing

I love that I can goof around with my trainer.  She has been a great match

Another YMCA staff who has become a friend :-)

This exercise was both mentally and physically challenging.  She had me roll down from sitting into the bridge and then roll back up to sit again.  I was pretty sure there was no way it was going to happen.  I was giggling out of sheer nervousness.  I had to put a lot of trust in my trainer because she told me that I could do it.  Although my brain was screaming there was no way I tried it anyway.  The first one was horrible.  I rolled down laughing and shaking but when it came to trying to roll back up fear kicked in as my head and shoulders left the ball and were floating in air.  I was pretty sure I was going to fall backwards and crack my skull open.  But very ungracefully and with the help of my trainer I got back up and tried again.  The second time it was much easier because my body knew that my legs would hold me when I was in the bridge.  I still struggled a bit to roll back up into sitting but did it the second time.  Then the third and fourth were almost easy because I knew I could do it and because I wanted photos.  It’s not every day you can document a truly important moment.  I experience a lot of them at the gym but usually don’t get pictures of it.

There is no proof more powerful of the progress I’m making than when I can do something that my brain says I can’t.  When I first decided to live my year with no fear in 2014 this was what I was looking for.  I was looking for those moments where I was worried, scared, nervous or just plain convinced I couldn’t do something so that I could push through them.  Logically I knew that this was the best way to grow and learn but it wasn’t then and still isn’t an easy mantra to live by but it is one that gets me the best results.  Pushing through the things that scare me has helped me to grow my confidence in more ways than I probably even realize.  It has helped me to learn more and more about my body and what it is capable of.  It has helped to change my world.

When I remember tonight later on what I want to remember is the following:

1. Sometimes you just have to trust the people you have hired to help you

2. Your mind is a powerful tool and it needs to be on your side

3. Laughter makes everything better…well it does make holding the bridge harder but if I wasn’t laughing I probably never would have done it :-)

4. I am able to do anything if I can just learn to trust myself and be okay if I can’t do it perfect.

5. Most important always just try because you might just surprise yourself.

I’m so proud every day of the work I have been doing.  I love how my body is changing.  I also love how my mind is changing.  I feel like I’m truly growing into the woman I was meant to be.

 

Right before joining the gym and now.  Not a perfect comparison but it is pretty apparent my body is changing

A Pep Talk to Myself

This entry started as I finished my 5K run this morning.  I wasn’t going to actually write and post it but as the day has gone by I realized that everyone needs to give themselves a pep talk now and then.  What surprised me though was the timing of my need for a pep talk but upon reflection it makes sense and even taught me a lesson.

This week was an amazing and surreal week.  Everyone wants to celebrate with me and the fact that I accomplished my 5k run last week.  People are praising me and excited for me.  It’s a lot of attention for someone who has spent most of her life trying to go by unnoticed.  I have been surrounded by so much positive energy it has been beyond words.  Added to all of this the fact that I went clothes shopping and all the shirts I bought were 1 size smaller than the last time.  It left me feeling pretty excited and proud of myself. 

I discovered the flip side to all this good energy and excitement.  After a week of hearing how good I am and how proud people are of me I would be lying if I said it didn’t start to go to my head a little and had me feeling a wee bit over confident.  I was pretty sure that today I was going to do my 5k run in under an hour and I expected it to be easy.  I mean after the challenge of the Canmore course how hard could the fairly flat pavement of my local park be?  I put on one of my new shirts and laced up my runners and headed out.  I started strong but by the second and third kilometers the usual doubts and struggles crept in.  My calves began to burn, my back felt tight and my breathing was a challenge.  I have come to learn that this is pretty normal for me and generally I can get through it and keep going.

Today it got to me though.  I quickly got lost in my head.   I found myself doubting all my progress and all the work I have done.  I was wondering why it was still so hard and thought about just cutting the run short.  I was able to talk myself out of quitting though.  I told myself that as long as I kept moving and could do the 5k I was still on the right track.  By the last kilometer I gave up on even trying to run and just walked.  I was mad at myself for giving up and not pushing harder and as the 1 hour marked past I was even more frustrated because today was supposed to be the day I was going to post that I succeeded in my goal to get it under an hour.  I started to feel sorry for myself.  The crazy thing in all of this is that I still finished the 5k in a decent amount of time (1h 6m 42s – which is still my second fastest time).

When I got to the car and plugged my iPod into my car the Miley Cyrus song The Climb came on.  Sometimes I think my iPod just knows what I need to hear.  It is one of my favourite songs on my workout playlist (don’t judge and even if you do I don’t care…hehehe).  Coupled with the run and the frustration I was feeling it made me realize something.  The reality of this journey is that running, working out and even eating properly are probably always going to be a challenge for me.  It is easier for me to choose to be lazy and to eat junk then it is to really choose to live a healthy life.  It is that challenge though that makes things like last week’s race so special.

The harder it is, the more you really have to want it.  The more you want it the more you push to get it.  There have been very few things in my life that I have ever wanted as much as I want to be healthy and fit.  I want it to so much that I see myself as already there.  I forget sometimes that although my heart and soul say I’m an athlete, my body still hasn’t caught up yet.  That doesn’t mean that it won’t, it just means that I have to keep working at it.  Each day I make the right choices, each day I lace up my runners at the gym and each day I run or walk any distance are all days that are bringing me closer to the athlete that lives in my soul.

There will be a day in the not too far off future where I will actively seek to make my runs harder and where I will be able to run like all the people that seem to do it with ease that I envy.  I suspect (okay I know) that even when I’m at that point, I will still have days like today where things just don’t click, days where I end up feeling sorry for myself and frustrated with my progress.  I will try to remember though that it will pass.  I will reach the next goal and set a new one.  I will celebrate and stall out.  It doesn’t matter how easy or hard it is or what gets in the way (including my own brain) as long as I just keep tying up my shoes, putting one foot in front of the other and going for it. 

“There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there

Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side

It’s the climb” – Miley Cyrus – The Climb

Rocky Mountain Soap Women’s Run

I had planned to write this entry on Sunday night, however the day proved a little too emotional and exhausting which meant that I had a hard time putting my words into any sort of order.  As great as Terry Fox was (which you can read about here) this race had a much bigger impact on me.  I have decided to do something a little different with this entry.  What is going to follow is actually my journal entry from the 24^th.  As I mentioned Sunday was pretty emotional so I will add in the missing pieces to help me create the complete picture and try to make coherent some of the rambling.  The entry was written in three sections and large parts of it were written with tears running down my face.  I will keep the journal entry in black with anything I’m adding in red.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 1

It is race day and of course my body figures 5am is a good time to wake up.  I’m excited and nervous.  My tummy is full of butterflies but I’m ready and determined.  I am just going to try and remember that for every uphill there will be a downhill.  As long as I keep moving I will be kicking ass. (By the end of the race I was arguing this point.  Logic says since we ended at the same spot we started that up and down balanced out but it sure felt like there was a lot more up than down.) 

My goal today is to have fun, do my best and just enjoy the day.  Canmore is beautiful.  I’m with friends & doing something I enjoy.  Today will be awesome.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 2

I survived.  It was way harder than even I could have expected.  There were a couple of quite intense hills.  It was really hot.  I did it though.

I had one scary moment after the race.  I was eating a cookie and suddenly felt horrible.  I’m pretty sure I was close to passing out.  I got tunnel vision and the world got hazy.  Apparently I also got quite pale.  We moved to the shade and Tracy got me water.  It was pretty scary but I guess it shows I left it all on the trail.  (Well at the very least I worked hard and pushed myself harder than I have ever pushed myself before.  I suspect it was a combination of many factors but I will never forget that feeling or how grateful to all of my friends for making sure I was okay.)

It was an emotional run.  As we were getting close to the end I started to get choked up.  Someone yelled ‘you are almost there’ and I just had this wave of emotion.  I actually had to slow down and stop on the hill because when I start to tear up my throat gets super tight and trying to climb a hill as you are doing that is a bit challenging.  This was the only time I actually had to stop on the race so I could catch my breath and get my head right so I could keep going.  Then as I came around the last corner to head towards the finish line I saw Daisy’s (my trainer) friends, Anna and John with a sign for me.  As I looked down towards the finish line getting ready to run to the finish I was greeted with a huge surprise.  Anne and Rose (two friends from work and part of my theatre crew) were there with signs and hats and I started crying.  I felt so loved it was amazing.  As previously noted I can’t cry and run at the same time so I walked across the finish line but I will remember that moment anyway.  It was worth the minute or so it probably cost me on my time.  I have said it before I have the world’s best friends!

Just after I finished a stranger came up and gave me a huge hug.  She told me she finished last in the 5K last year and that she has since lost 125 pounds.  She came over to congratulate me and tell me she was proud and that I could do it.  It was such a very cool genuine moment.  (It was also a little strange for me.  I’m not used to hugging random sweaty strangers but she was very lovely.   This journey has offered me such a great opportunity to meet people.  It is helping me be more open to so many experiences and just embrace them for what they are.  It is showing me that for all the people who have called me names, made fun of me or anything else that there are just as many amazing people ready to cheer me on and encourage me.  I truly feel blessed and amazing.

As hard as today was I can’t wait to do it again.  I didn’t run as much as I had hoped or planned but I do think I beat my Terry Fox run time although I don’t know for sure yet.  I am so proud of what I have done.  I’m only going to get stronger and better.  It is such a weird mix of emotions.  I’m happy, sad, tired and proud.  It is such a huge accomplishment.

The next little section is written to my friend Will who passed away in 2011.  Anytime I do amazing things he is never far from my mind.  I miss you Will and wish you were here to share this.  You were the first person to really believe in me and the first to convince me that I am special and capable.  You opened the door for this journey.  I will forever be grateful of that.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 3

The time is in.  It took me 1 hour 13 minutes and 1 second.  I can’t help but be proud of that.  It was 3 minutes faster than Terry Fox and the course was way more difficult.  We ended up doing the same trail as the strollers which apparently is a much harder race because you have to climb up again before the finish line.  I am truly just happy that it all worked out.  I will get faster and stronger.  I do have to say as much as I question my sanity during the run I do truly love this.  I don’t know I like running so much but I have never felt anything else like it.  I can’t wait until I can just relax into the run and go.

Anyway I’m exhausted, sunburnt, and pretty much ready for bed.  My brain isn’t making much sense anymore. 

I am so glad that I signed up for this race.  I knew it was going to be challenging and I do very strongly question the course description that lists “moderate hills” but I wouldn’t change a thing.  It was tough enough to make me want to keep improving myself but I still manage to at least accomplish one of my goals (to be my Terry Fox time) so I still get that rush of pride.  I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me next. 

Here are a few photos from the race.  Before sharing the photos though I would like to say thank you to everyone who have supported me on this journey so far.  Thank you to all my friends, old and new.  A special thank you to Rose, Anne, Anna and John for coming out with signs to cheer me on – it made my day.  Also a special thank you to the stranger that shared her story with me – it is so inspiring to know other people are doing this journey too.  Most of all I want to thank my trainer.  She not only showed me a new way to train to run but she has also talked me through many challenging moments including Sunday’s race.  Daisy has helped me come a long way in the last 6 months.  I am grateful and blessed for all the people I have in my life.

My crazy trainer and I pre-race.

Two of my longest friends - Kendall, Tracy and little Grayson.

Rose, Daisy, Me, Anna, John, Tracy, Kendall
Anne, Grayson

Rose, John, me, Anne, Kendall
Anna, Daisy, Tracy, Grayson

I love these shots together and how much better my shirt fits now.  As soon as I put them together I felt a huge wave of pride and accomplishment.  You can do anything if you put your mind to it.

Ready or Not…

It seems like ages ago that I got up on January 1^st and registered myself for my next 5K run.  I decided it would be the first thing I was going to do in 2015 as a symbol of how I planned to spend this year – being active.  Well 5 months later I’m only a few days out from running my second race ever.  Tonight I have been thinking about the last 5 months and know that there is nothing else I can do now to change the outcome of Sunday’s race.  Ready or not this race will be run. 

I have to say that I feel a lot more confident going into this race than I was going into the Terry Fox, last September.  I have been incredibly blessed with a trainer who has been super willing to find answers for me when she isn’t sure of the best way to train me.  (I mean it’s not every day someone my size says hey I want to run, how do we get me there…thank god for her patience.)  When I started telling her about my struggles with running and my desire to have a training plan she found answers and came up with a plan.  The day she presented it to me I looked at her like she was nuts.  She proposed a plan in which I would run at a snail’s pace for 30 seconds and then walk for 30 seconds and repeat.  As the weeks would go by I would increase my running time.  To say I had major doubts is probably an understatement.  I left telling her I was doubtful it would work but that I would at least try it. This was and so far is the only time I have ever really second guessed my trainer.  I didn’t think it was possible to do such short intervals and be able to keep my breath and not want to die.  I’m glad to say I was proven wrong and I have never been happier to eat a little crow and tell her I was wrong.

The last couple of months have been following her plan and working my way up not only to longer run intervals on the treadmill but also to running longer distances every Sunday when I hit local parks to run set distances outside.  The results have blown me away.  I went from hardly being able to do intervals outside on my first couple Sunday’s to now running almost all of them.  Outside I’m still doing 30 seconds on and 30 off but the consistency is night and day to what it was.  In the gym on the treadmill I have been able to increase my interval time to 45seconds on and 30 seconds walking which means I’m officially running more than I walk.  This thrills me in so many ways.

Having spent the last few months working so hard on training I feel super excited to see what Sunday will bring.  When I signed up on Jan 1^st my original goal was that I would run the 5K in under an hour.  When my trainer gave me my new training plan I decided to change that goal because running at a slower pace I didn’t actually expect that it would be possible plus I had major doubts with the terrain of the run.  So I changed my goal to just run more than I walk since the last race I did I walked way more than I ran. 

Now at the end of the training I once again am looking at my goals.  On Sunday I ran my fastest 5K yet.  I finished the training run in 1 hour 3mins and 19 seconds.  I was so close to being under 1 hour that it is all I have been thinking about since Sunday.  I’m trying to keep things realistic and know that my run is taking place in a location that will have hills, which I have done some training on but it’s not my strongest strength but there is a part of me that can’t help but hope I can pull off this run in less than an hour.  That being said I figured it was worth sharing my goals.  So here is what I hope to accomplish on Sunday.

1. To consistently run my intervals as much as possible.  I may not be able to do the whole 5K alternating 30 on and 30 off but it is my plan to run as many of them as possible even if I’m only just barely jogging.  The struggle will be in the 2^nd and 3^rd kilometers.  These are typically the kms where my brain likes to try and get in my way.

2. To beat my Terry Fox run time.  I finished my first 5k in 1 hour and 16 minutes.  I will consider this race a success even if I do it in 1 hour and 15 minutes.  There is some fear that with the hills I will actually have a longer time and if that happens I will be a little crushed but if I have done the first goal I will still be happy and proud of all that I have done.

3. My third goal is not so much a goal as a dream.  I would really like to finish my 5K in under an hour.  If I had run all my intervals last Sunday I would have finished in under an hour of that I’m fairly confident.  I’m counting on the fact that I will have my trainer with me (because she is awesome and signed up to support me) and the adrenaline of the race to help push so that hopefully I can push through the hard spots and kick some ass.  If I don’t accomplish this 3^rd goal I will still be over the moon excited with my results but this would be the icing on a pretty fabulous cake if I can do it.  I might even have to reward myself with a piece of cake if I do this ;-)

Whatever happens on Sunday I know that I have given my all so that I am as prepared as I can be.  I have worked hard and consistently for more than a year and have been specifically training for this race for months now.  Since completing the Terry Fox I have gotten stronger, more confident and gained more skills to help me on this journey.  I am also carrying 25 less pounds than I did the last time which helps.  I am so proud of myself.  I keep reminding myself that no matter what happens on Sunday I will still leave that race a winner.  

One of the photos from a 6 month photo session to help document my journey

One of the photos from a 6 month photo session to help document my journey

Photos taken by HelloLuv Photography

A Milestone Anniversary

Saturday marked the one year anniversary of my very first workout after joining the YMCA.  At the time I had a joint membership that allowed me to workout at work and at any of the Y locations.  On April 4, 2014 I entered the gym at work at 6am and I was ready to commit.  I made a promise to myself that I was going to make a permanent, lifelong commitment to living a more active life.  This was a continuation of a promise I made myself when I invested in my Fitbit, which was to just move more.  This was my next step.  In the 52 weeks that have passed since that first morning I’m proud to say that I have been able to keep that promise to myself.  In fact I have only missed a small handful of workouts in the last year.  My goal when I started was to get to the gym 5 or 6 times a week.  I haven’t always gone to the gym to get my activity in to achieve that goal but I have managed to find ways to workout even when I didn’t have access to the gym.  I have found ways to workout on holidays, when I was sick and a lot of the time when I was just plain tired.  Working out over the last year has also taught me a great deal about myself and my body.  This entry is a look back at where I was and how far I have come.  It is also a celebration of all that has changed in the last year.  I am incredibly proud of every moment of this journey (which shockingly looking at this blog is in its fifth year) but this last year has been extra special because I finally feel like I’m making progress and am on the right track.  The pieces are falling into place.

Then and Now:

One of the biggest factors for me in finally finding some success on this journey comes from the various forms of tracking I do now.  I have talked about how valuable tracking is before but for me it truly has meant the difference between just saying I’m going to lose weight and actually losing it.  I never realized how motivated I was by numbers and tracking things until I started doing it.  Being able to look back to a starting point has really helped me through a lot of hard days.  I track in various forms including a spreadsheet with my weight and measurements, a workout journal and of course pictures.  Each offers me the opportunity to appreciate different aspects of this journey by comparing then and now.  Here are a few of those comparisons.

My first gym selfie and the most recent.  My face has been where I have seen the most change.  I have a photo on my phone so that every time I unlock it to do anything I'm reminded how far I have come.

When it comes to my workout journal it has evolved over time as well.  The notes I have about my first workout are limited because I didn’t realize just how much I would actually want to track as I got better and stronger.  The most recent entries have much more detail around what I am actually doing day to day in the gym. 

My first work out was 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I did 5 minutes warming up and cooling down with 20 minutes on a speed of 2.0 miles per hour.  The comments were “Felt sluggish, tired and back feeling really tight.”  I know that I was really proud to be back at it and excited to have the goal of running a 5K but I was also disappointed because it was a realization of how much slower I was now than when I used to use a treadmill that I had at home.  It was an eye opening day.

Saturday’s workout was a lot different and I think a good highlight of the changes I have made.  Normally Saturday’s would be done with my trainer but she was off for the long weekend so it was a solo workout.  This turned out to be very cathartic for me because I started this journey on my own and doing my one year workout on my own really showed how much things have changed.  I felt empowered to know that I could push myself hard even without my trainer there and reminded me of the determination I had when I started a year ago.  I am still determined to change my life and I’m not afraid to do the work it’s going to take.  Saturday’s workout started with 5 minutes on the curve treadmill to warmup.  This was followed by circuits of modified burpees, squat & press with a 12 pound medicine ball, medicine ball smashes, reverse lunges and medicine ball side tosses.  I repeated these exercises 4 times.  When that was done it was time to hop on the treadmill for 30 minutes to help me get my step count up (this is totally a curse of my fitbit…I can’t not work to earn my steps each day).  Like my first work out I included a 5 minute warmup and cool down on the treadmill but this time the main 20 minutes were done on a speed of 2.8.  I ended my day at the gym with 15 minutes of cooling down and stretching.  With the two different parts of my workout (cardio session and treadmill) my comments were “tired and my legs are a little shakey but well worked.  Feeling strong and proud” about the training and “treadmill felt good although legs are definitely tired now.  All and in all a great day at the gym” about the treadmill and the whole workout.  I left the gym as I always do these days with a smile on my face and feeling like I can take on the world.

I think the biggest things these two workouts demonstrate to me are the fact that I am not only faster but stronger as well.  I also realize how much more I do during my workouts.  When I first started the only thing I would ever do was the treadmill and now I can’t imagine just sticking to it.  Adding strength training and stretching into my routine has made a huge difference in how my body feels.  If nothing else it has also helped keep me from getting bored at the gym.  I look forward to going each day to see what else I can learn and do.

The last comparison I want to share will probably not be that surprising when you consider the fact that my workouts have gotten longer and that is the difference I see on my daily step counts.  My average step total during this week in 2014 was 7,871 steps and last week it was 10,988.  My best day the same week in 2014 was 11,206 steps and my best day last week was 13,714.  I continue to work towards moving more every day and it is very rewarding to see that I am actually doing it and not just saying it.  The activity has sort of snuck up on me.  What was once a chore to get up and move more now just seems to happen without too much of a struggle.  It has very much become a habit in my life.

Changes in the Last Year:

I have said this to many people and think I have written it in my blog as well (although it may have been on entries that weren’t posted) but when I think back to the person I was before I joined the gym I feel like that version of me is a fundamentally different version then who I am now.  The way I view the world and interact with it is changing, as is my body.  It is hard to pinpoint all the things that have changed (because most of it has been a working progress for awhile) but these are a few of the ones that are easy for me to lock down as being distinctively different from a year ago.

The biggest changes have come in the terms of how I think about a lot of different aspects in my life.  I have learned just how much important it is to get your brain on board with the whole weight loss journey.  When I started last April at least once a week I was having to battle the negative voice inside my head that would say this journey is too hard, too long or it’s not possible to do the things I wanted.  It was much easier for me to feel discouraged and frustrated which often led to me not giving it my all in the gym.   I would love to say that now a year later I don’t battle that same voice but it does still sneak up but it is far less often, probably only about once a month now.  The biggest change though is that I am able to recognize that voice and the reactions that I have to it.  This has allowed me to find ways to control the impact it has.  Now when I have a bad day or workout I take some time to try and look at it objectively (usually through writing) to see if I can figure out what is going on, what I need to change or if I just need to tell the voice to shut up because it’s crazy.  This has helped me to stay more positive about everything and I feel like it has greatly helped with my overall contentment in life.  It is still very much a working progress but definitely I can see and feel the changes that this has brought to my life. I am a lot happier and smiling a lot more.

Another one of the changes that has happened that actually sort of snuck up on me was a growing desire to be healthy.  The more active I am the more active I want to be.  Also the more active I am the more I want to eat better.  Before joining the gym I would have said no to going to get a coffee or going for lunch because it was “too far” away.  The scary thing with that is that too far away was probably no more than a block or two but I just wasn’t motivated to walk it.  Now I look forward to getting out and try to go for walks during at least some of my lunch hours each week.  The other thing that is cool is that I don’t have to worry about saying no to friends because I think that I might not be able to keep up or worry about how tired my legs are going to feel.  I’m still not as fast as some of my friends but I can keep up and enjoy spending time being active with them.  I love moving now.  It’s funny because before I could spend hours at my desk not moving and now if I sit too long I actually get really antsy to move, I even have a calendar pop up set that reminds me to get up and move.

With becoming more active throughout my day the other thing I quickly began to realize was that I actually felt better if I ate properly.  Before if I felt tired or sluggish I never blamed it on the food I was eating but came up with lots of other reasons why I was feeling that way.  But in the last year as I have been training harder and harder I have quickly realized just how much a factor what I’m putting in my system matters.  There have been a couple workouts where I eaten fast food before and the tired and sluggish feeling would plague me on workouts making them much harder than they should be.  They were workouts that I knew I should be able to kick ass on.  Logically I have always known eating better would help but in the last year I have seen the actual results of it.  I don’t expect that I will ever give up all my “junk” food but knowing that if I eat it I’m going to struggle with my next workout helps to keep the cravings at bay for a lot longer.  It has also meant that I’m a lot more careful about what days I choose to indulge in treats.  It is not very often now that I just buy fast food or a treat on a whim.  It is almost always planned out ahead of time, which would have been totally foreign to the me of a year ago.

The last change is of course the changes in my body itself.  I am losing weight and inches.  I don’t have a total for the number of inches because I only recently started taking measurements but from April last year to this past Saturday’s weigh in I have lost a total of 24.1 pounds.  More than half of that number has been in the last 3 months so I expect a bigger number by the time my second anniversary rolls around.  One of the things I have been conscious of when it comes to the number on the scale is trying to find a way to make it more tangible so I can really appreciate how much I have lost.  There are times when I think I haven’t really lost that much weight, or that I don’t feel that different but then I go and pick up a weight at the gym or in the case of the24 pounds I have lost since last year a turkey at the grocery store, and it is kind of amazing to really feel how much weight that is.  I still have a long way to go but like everything else I am incredibly proud of the weight I have lost in the last year.  It has brought me to a grand total so far of 41.5 pounds lost which is very nearly the most I have ever lost.  (The first time I did Weight Watchers I lost 50 pounds before quitting.)

Accomplishments in the last year:

I can’t write a blog entry about the last year and not at least mention a few of the things that I managed to accomplish on this journey in the last year.  All the changes and work have helped me to do a lot of things that I never expected or thought that I could.  Three jump immediately to mind when I started to think about the last year.  The first of course is my first 5K run in September 2014.  The second was facing some personal fears about being judged and actually signing up to get a trainer in November 2014.  The last was when I went to visit my parents for my summer vacation in July and I made the conscious decision and goal to get out and do a walk for exercise each day of the trip.  There were other smaller moments and accomplishments and things that I’m proud of but these three marked not only a shift in my abilities but were also accompanied by a realization of just how much I have changed my thinking and behaviours.  They are moments that I will always look back to and smile about.  They make me feel proud for what I have done but also give me hope for what I will do in the future.  (I totally have box jumping on my goal list for future accomplishments!)

I truly do believe that my life is fundamentally different now than it was a year ago.  I am becoming a version of me that I have always pictured and yet I still find myself amazed that I’m actually achieving it.  Each morning I wake up happy and excited for what the world will have in store for me.  I am actively seeking out new challenges and am ready to prove to the world and to myself that I really can do anything I put my mind to.  I still have a long way to go on this journey but I know and trust more than ever that I will get there.  I will continue to work to transform my life one step at a time while looking to the future but always remembering to take the time to acknowledge and look back to where I came from. 

“Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” – Francis of Assisi

Progress in Cold Hard Numbers

I have been struggling with how to write about my personal training for as many months as I have been doing it (which is just over 4 months now).  To say that is has changed my life feels like an understatement and at the same time I feel like putting so much importance on training takes away from the other parts of this journey that began long before training.  The reality is though that training has changed a lot about me, not just physically but mentally and spiritually as well.  The way I think about a lot of this journey, about food and about exercise have changed a great deal as I have been working with my trainer.  It is true that these things were also changing before training but certainly I feel that it has been more dramatic since I first got my trainer. 

I’m still working on being able to write about all of this coherently but in the mean time I figured it was time to do something I haven’t really ever done on this blog before.  It is time to share some of the numbers that I have been using to drive me through this journey.  I am writing this entry not only to share the changes I have been making but also as a way to show myself that no matter how slow this journey is and how long it is taking , progress is happening.  I am moving forward one baby step at a time and learning to love every minute of it.  I am becoming stronger physically and mentally.  I am finding my confidence and my inner athlete.

Weight Related Numbers

Highest weigh in happened Sept 7, 2013

From Sept 7 2013 to Mar 7, 2015 total pounds lost 38.6 pounds

Weight lost from Feb 7, 2015 to Mar 7, 2015 is 5.6 pounds

Training

Total hours done = 19

Total number of sessions = 27 (I think although I might be off by one or two)

Strength Training Numbers (based on the 4 weeks from Jan 14 – Feb 11)

Chest Press with dumbbells – started with 15 pounds up to 40 pounds

Cable Row – started with 60 pounds and up to 70 pounds

Bicep curl with dumbbells – started with 15 pounds up to 20

Cable tricep push downs – started with 20 (which by the 3^rd set was a real struggle) and up to 25

Leg Press – started with 90 and now up to 105

Shoulder Press – started with 10 pounds and up to 15 pounds

Cardio Numbers 

First 5K = 1 hour 16 minutes

30 second timed intervals

Exercise	Feb 7th	Mar 7th	Feb 7th	Mar 7th	Feb 7th	Mar 7th
Mod Burpee	9	9	9	9	9	10
Squat and press 6lbs	15	17	17	15	16	14
Med ball smash 10lbs	16	17	14	18	16	20
Agility ladder single steps	7	7.5	7	8	7	8
Step Ups	14	13	14	13	14	15

I have learned in this journey that as important as the numbers are for showing me that I’m improving they really do only tell half the picture.  There are times when the numbers don’t reflect the effort so I have also spent a great deal of time making sure to track and journal my emotions & overall physical sensations.  These results are more subjective but are equally as important in showing my success.  I know that I feel better, stronger, faster and more agile but these are hard to document in the same way.  I have learned to trust myself and this process.  I put a lot of faith into the people like my trainer who are guiding and supporting me.  All of this has helped give me the results that I see in the following pictures.

Even the biggest of distances can be tackled over time with the smallest of steps, as long as you keep moving in the right direction.  Hills happen but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other even they can be climbed.  I will end this entry with a quote that I love from C S Lewis - “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different”.  

A Little Off Kilter

This week has been an interesting week that has spawned a lot of talking and a lot of journal writing so I figured it was probably worth sharing.

This week started off the same as any other week but I just didn’t feel myself.  There was nothing physically wrong that I could put my finger on, no major stress or really nothing out of the ordinary going on and yet all week (well okay at least Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday) I felt out of sorts.  Silly things were getting to me like the hum of the new air conditioner they put in our office or the fact I left my phone at home going to the gym Wednesday night.  It’s just those little things that make you feel like you are slowly going a little nuts.

This all came to a head in last night’s personal training session.  I walked in and warmed up like normal.  I chatted with a few of my favourite regular gym buddies and waited for my training time.  Wednesday’s is always one of my favourite nights because it is the night that my trainer and I do strength training.  I have learned that I completely love lifting weights.  I generally leave feeling strong and very bad ass.  Last night though I wasn’t feeling it.  I wasn’t upset or sad or happy or excited.  I was just there.  The reality is that if I hadn’t had a training session I probably wouldn’t have even gone to the gym.  The session itself was tough.  It was the first time we worked for a solid 60mins without any major chat breaks.  The exercises were nothing really that I hadn’t done before although in some cases we added weight but certainly nothing I couldn’t handle.  I expected to be able to just put the effort in and get through it like any other week.  That was not to be however.  I was blown away when sheer emotion swept over me. 

The first moment I really noticed the emotion was when I went from doing chest presses right into a set of single arm rows.  As I transitioned to the rows I suddenly felt like I wanted to cry.  I had to actually fight the tears back.  Luckily focusing on lifting the weight helped refocus my brain and chase the tears away.  I was also a little terrified to cry on a weight floor full of teenage boys and strong men.  It made me think of the moment in A League of Their Own where Tom Hanks says there’s no crying in baseball only of course in my head it was there’s no crying on the weight floor.  hehehe

As we moved to the next set of exercises I was faced with the negative voice that sometimes pops into my brain.  We had been doing sumo squats with a kettle bell and then doing step ups with a weight.  I did the sumo squats without a problem (I have grown to really love squats) but when it came to move to the steps my brain started screaming that my legs were too shakey to do it and that I couldn’t do it.  As my trainer told me to go I froze.  I looked at her and told her straight up that my legs were arguing and it took me a minute but I was able to tell myself I could do it.  Each time I came to the steps ups I had to tell my brain to shut up. 

The last moment that really got to me was as I went to do these push ups.  They aren’t hard but we do a push up on a bar that runs around the track.  As I push up I push back and off the bar.  As we went to do them for a second set I felt like I was going to cry.  Again focusing on the exercise chased them away but it still is crazy to me. 

The negative voice isn’t new to me.  I know that I’m always going to have to deal with it.  I think we all do.  Telling it to shut up was fairly easy for me.  Of course it helps that my trainer also started chanting that I could do it.  When I have someone cheering me on it is much easier for me to tell myself that I can do it and believe in the power of what I’m doing.  Even when my trainer said on my last set I only had to do 10 per side instead of our normal 12 I still did 12.  I did battle with that negative voice and again proved that it doesn’t know anything.

The wanting to cry was a bit strange to me though.  Normally if I’m going to cry I know why - usually it’s the result of a sappy movie or a moment of self-pity or maybe just a moment of feeling lonely - but the weird thing last night was there was no reason.  I just felt the tears well up and want to spill over.  I was feeling any specific emotion but yet I still wanted to cry.  It was a new experience for me.

As crazy as the last few days were and especially last night I did learn a few things about myself.  The first is that sometimes you just need to have an emotional night.  It might feel a bit scary but sometimes you just need to let it sweep over you.  I woke up this morning and felt refreshed and ready to start over.  It was like everything that needed to be released was let go of last night. 

The second thing I learned about myself was a reminder of just how tough I am.  I think sometimes I forget that I have power within me that can get me through anything.  I have spent a large part of my life taking the easy way out and just doing enough to get by so fighting my way through the hard stuff last night felt really empowering.  Last night’s work out because of the emotional factor was one of the hardest I have ever done but I got through it.  I fought against the tears and the negative voice and came out the other side.  Not only did I accomplish everything my trainer asked but I was able to find focus and determination that I don’t think I really realized I had.  I am one strong cookie and I look forward to the next time I have to prove it to myself.

The reality of the journey that I’m on to lose weight and change my life is that nights like last night are bound to happen.  I knew when I made the decision to change my life that it was going to be a battle.  I’m going up against a lot of years of bad habits but I know that slowly I will change and replace them all with habits that support the life I see in my future.  My trainer likes to say “it is already done”.  It is anything that we have set our minds to.  The biggest part of the battle is making the choice to take the first step.  For me what this means is that although I’m still moving through this journey I already am at the end of it.  In my head I’m there I’m living the life I want.  I just need to wait for my body to catch up with what my mind and soul already know.

Finding My Running Legs: Lessons Learned on Weight Loss

*Series in progress*  This entry is part of a series I’m writing leading up to my running (walking…but hopefully mostly running) my first 5K.  For more information on this series check out the introduction here or just continue on reading this entry.  I have also included links at the end to the other entries and to both the Terry Fox Foundation and my run fundraising page.

Today’s lesson is more of a mind shift than something concrete.  In the last 6 months as I have been training myself to learn how to run I began to realize that this journey I’m on that I have always thought of as a weight loss journey actually isn’t about weight loss.  As I have been working through this process what I have come to realize that well weight loss is great it is not the main thing that I count on anymore.  Watching a scale has never really been my thing but more and more I realize that what my journey needs to be and is becoming a journey to become healthy and to make the best choices for me and my overall health.  Weight loss plays a factor but there is so much more to it and honestly now it really just feels like the icing on the cake.

Over the last few years but most especially in the last 6 months I feel like my whole life has been changing for the better.  I am losing weight but I have gained so much more in my life than just seeing a number on a scale drop.  I feel like I’m learning how to figure out who I am and what I want in life.  I have discovered a whole list of new things that I love (including running) and discovered a lot of stuff that was getting in my way (especially a lot of emotional baggage).  When I take a snapshot of my life right now I see a whole new Jill standing in the picture.  She is more accepting, more conscious of what she is doing and she is happy.  She is driven and confident.  She is me and I am her.  I feel like I have finally found my groove. 

This maybe my shortest entry but it is still important.  I know that so many of us base our success on the number that comes up on the scale but trust me when I say that there is so many better ways to define success.  Look to other things like how you feel or doing something you have never done before or just making smarter choices as ways to find success.  Healthy is the goal we should all strive for and for me part of healthy does include weight loss but I know and trust that if I work towards healthy then the weight loss will follow as well.

To donate and check out my progress please visit my page here.

For more information on the Terry Fox Foundation and the run check out their page here.

Finding My Running Legs Previous Entries

• Introduction
• Importance of Goals
• Picking Goals
• Tracking Goals
• Celebrating
• My Changing Body
• Strength
• Mirrors

2014 Monthly Goal Check-In for March

Where did March go?  I’m not sure if it is just me but this month just disappeared on me.  I was kept busy throughout the whole month but I still feel like I have made some good strides again on my goals – well at least some of them.

If you want to read a bit more about my resolutions feel free to check out my previous posts:

New Year’s Resolutions Past and Present
2014 Monthly Goal Check-In for January/February

1) Move More/Lose More
My hope of hitting an average of 11000 steps each day this month was not to be.  My schedule kept me on my toes but sadly not walking very much.  If I take an average of the steps for the month I was only hitting about 8500 steps this month which was down from last month.  I did end up hitting a new all-time daily high though this month with a total of 16101, which is totally worth celebrating.  This was a huge day for me because it showed that my goal of hitting 15000 a day is not out of reach.

With my daily average of steps being down it doesn’t surprise me to say that my weight also didn’t change this past month.  I’m actually up .6 of a pound with my total lost for 2014 so far being 11 pounds.  In April I am expecting to hit a big milestone for me though.  I am expecting to finally get back to the weight I was before my life derailed a little when I lost a very dear friend.  It has taken me almost two years to lose the weight I put on the year after he passed away but it is very liberating to know that I’m very nearly back where I need was.  It is like I am finally moving past his loss.  I still miss him like crazy but I know that Will is looking down and cheering me on as I get close to this milestone and will celebrate with me as I pass it.

2) One Day a Week Vegetarian
I can claim success on this goal this month.  It does help that I remembered I had made the goal this month.  I found a few new yummy recipes and had a few of my old favourites.  All of which helped me find at least one day a week to devote to being meat free.  I have to admit that I really do enjoy the challenge this goal brings into my meal planning.  It has forced me to be creative and experiment a little bit more with my food choices.  It has me cracking my recipe books once a week so I can pick new dishes, which has also meant I have been picking new meat based recipes as well. 

3) Regular Blog Posts
I have to admit I thought I had done better with this goal in March until I actually looked at my blog.  I discovered that although I had written almost a blog a month I never posted them.  This month my goal will be to actually post the entries I’m writing.  It’s pretty silly to write them up in draft and not do the work to publish them. 

4) 365 Photo-a-Day Project
It was bound to happen but after 445 days I missed my first photo.  :-(  I was a little disappointed when I realized it but when you consider I have done 445 other days perfectly I can’t really get too down on myself.  I’m really excited about the month of April for photos though.  I have a mini vacation coming up to a retreat area I have never been but looks beautiful online and of course the end of the month will bring Calgary Expo.  Both of these things plus a few other events all should help make April a bit easier to keep the photography going and find some cool things to take pictures of. 

5) Read 50 Books
I’m not as far ahead of myself as I was last month on this goal but I am still more or less on track to hit my 50 books read this year.  My total is now up to 11 books done so far.  I was slowed down a little because of picking up Life of Pi.  I completely enjoyed the book but was reading it as much for the story as I was for a way of possibly setting up my historical fiction novel.  This meant I took a little more time and care in reading it.

6) Nanowrimo challenge Complete a Draft of Conor’s Story
This goal may have turned into a little of both the original goal and the revised goal.  I found out the Camp Nanowrimo is going on during April so I signed up originally thinking I would work on Conor’s story.  Last night though I had this incredibly vivid dream and part of me is thinking about giving it a shot for the month of April.  I don’t know if it is a story that has already been done but the dream was quite intriguing.  The timing of the dream also feels a little like fate considering today is the start of Camp Nanowrimo.  This means that this goal may actually become two goals.  I guess we will see how this month progresses.

In terms of Conor’s story it is also moving along quite nicely.  I think I have figured out a few things that were getting in the way.  Of course at the same time I also created a few more things to work out.  I am a planner and am trying to plan this story so that when it comes to write I can just let it flow.  This is a little different than other stories I have done but at the same time I feel like this is the journey I need to take to complete this story.

As crazy as March was I feel like it was a good month.  I made some big life decisions this past month including signing up for a gym again which has me over the moon excited.  I have plans to add a trainer as well before April is done.  It has been a long time since I felt this excited about the way my life was going.  It is a pretty amazing feeling.