New Year’s Resolutions Past and Future

The end of one year and the start of a new one creates the perfect time to wipe the slate clean and start over.  Each year I am one of the many that creates resolutions to help guide me on the year to follow and also like many I think they are often quickly forgotten and pushed to the side.  This year was a little different for me, if only because I had the resolution documented so I couldn’t forget them.  I’m actually proud of my resolutions for 2013 because all of them except for one was at least attempted.  So on this last day of the year I want to quickly look back at my resolutions for 2013 and share my new resolutions for 2014 (some of which will look pretty familiar).

In 2013 I came up with four things I wanted to work towards, all of which were things that work towards my overall life goals.  They were to move more, complete a 365 day photo project, complete another Nanowrimo challenge and read fifty books.  Each of these resolutions have had their own challenges and they are also ones that I have ignored in other years so I was pretty determined to complete them.

The resolution to move more was probably the easiest of all the resolutions because it was vague enough not to give me outlandish goals but still specific enough to get me up off the couch.  This resolution took me a while to actually fulfill because it wasn’t until I got my fitbit that I actually could see that I was actively working towards moving more.  I have already written about how wonderful this change has been for me.  It has been incredibly powerful to see results that I want and at a steady pace.  I feel like this resolution is one that I can check off as being completed without any second thoughts. 

The second resolution is also one that I’m happy to say was a success.  In 2012 I started to do a picture a day with the plan of completing an album of 365 moments that would have made up my year.  I did not complete this project in 2012 – in fact I made it to October and completely gave up on it which made me even more determined to do it this year.  I mean really I was so close to be done it was silly to stop.  I’m ecstatic to say that I have completed this project (my very last photo is of the movie poster for The Book Thief which I saw this afternoon).  The difference this year is that I created and printed the pages as I went along.  As I started to see the finished pages coming to the house I realized how truly special and great this project is.  I think it is my favourite album that I have created to this point in my life as a scrapbooker.  This year was an amazing year in a lot of ways and I have it all captured to remember forever.  I highly recommend everyone doing something like this.   There were times it felt like a drag or I would wonder how much I would really like to see hundreds of pictures of my cat or my dinners but when I look at the album even those pictures are pretty special and tell a story.

My third resolution is the one disappointment of the year.  I did not do Nanowrimo this year.  I had planned on signing up to do the summer camp version again which was being held in July. I signed up with intentions of working on a novel I have been researching for a bit but after the craziness of the floods in June I just couldn’t seem to get to a spot where I could actually focus and get to work.  I had a second opportunity to try in November and I did consider it but November is a notoriously busy month for me because of the work I put into our adopted Christmas family so rather than disappoint myself with an unfinished goal I put it to the side for the year.

My last resolution to read fifty books was actually added towards the end of the first week of January.  I have always loved reading but since graduating from university I have found that I don’t do as much of it as I would like.  I’m far too easily distracted by other things and even with the resolution I still didn’t quite make it to my goal.  I read 28 books this year.  I am a little disappointed by this but at the same time I’m pretty sure it is more than I have read in any year since I left university.  What I wasn’t expecting from this resolution though is that I would fall in love with fiction again.  A lot of the reading I had been doing was more research type books.  I got lost in a world of history and forgot how much fun losing myself in fiction could be.  Of all four resolutions this one was by far the most fun to try and achieve and so I don’t consider it a failure only getting part of the way to the end – it just means I have to try again.

Now as we stand at the start of a brand new year and I have done the look back it is time to look forward.  I have once again created a list of resolutions and much like last year I’m going to document them so that they stay fresh and I actually work towards them.  I plan on looking back at the end of 2014 and having even more check marks for completed resolutions.  So here is the list for 2014:

·         Move More/Lose More

o   With my fitbit I get a weekly report of what my average steps per day is and I plan on recording that on my blog page.  My last week was not my best week but it is the starting point.  I average 6,535.  This time next year I would like to see that number doubled.  Of course with moving more I expect to see my weight continue to drop.  This will be especially important because I have big plans for 2015 and I don’t want to be slowed down by my weight.

·         At least one day a week is a vegetarian day

o   In the summer this past year I decided to try to go part time vegetarian and I loved it.  I have continued to have meat free days and want to keep this going.  I love the variety it has brought into my diet and I look forward to continuing to explore other food choices.

·         Regular blog posts

o   I try to be good about posting but having just cleared out my blog posts folder on my computer and I realized that I write a lot that I never post.  So this year I will try to not let fear/nerves get in the way from me posting.  It also encourages me to set aside time each week to do some writing which also helps me keep motivated on working on my fiction

·         365 Photos for 2014

o   I wasn’t sure I was going to put this on the list again.  I loved my 2013 project but it has felt like a burden at times but at the same time like I said above it is one of my favourite albums so how could I not do it again.  I expect 2014 to be filled with just as many memories that I want to capture.

·         Read 50 books

o   Yep this one is back again too.  What can I say but I hate to see things incomplete so it is back and this year I will do it.  I have proved to myself in the last couple months I am capable of reading a book a week so I just have to make sure I do it consistently this year.

·         Complete a Nanowrimo challenge

o   That’s right it is another of my resolutions that has come back.  I just want to prove to myself that the first year I did this and completed a novel wasn’t a fluke – besides I also figure it is a good excuse to actually get my Titanic/WWI novel written.

I have to say that as great as 2013 was for me I am more excited to see what 2014 has in store.  I feel like each year just gets better and better so how can next year not be amazing.  I think as each year goes by I get closer and closer to being the person I really want to be. 

Before I end this post I just want to take a minute and wish you all a very Happy New Year.  I hope that 2014 is a stellar year for all of us.  I hope it will be a year filled with good deeds, good friends and a whole lot of memories.

My 10 Most Memorable Moments of 2013

It is that time of year when everyone starts to reflect on the year that was as it quickly comes to an end.  As all the programs begin to pop up with lists of the top stories, movies, songs, ect I decided that it was a good idea.  This year has been an eventful year to say the least and I figure it deserves to be remembered for the good and the bad.  So here it is my top 10 most memorable moments of 2013.

10. The Package Tour

                With the cancellation of my Creative Memories showcase I suddenly had vacation time and no plans but as luck would have it in Vancouver at the same time New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men were making a stop for The Package Tour.  It was boy band heaven for me and I couldn’t believe my luck when I was able to get really great tickets.  The night of the concert I got to wallow in nostalgia and enjoy some great looking men and fun music.  It was a night to remember.  I screamed, sang out loud and even got touched by Donnie (twice).  I was a teenager again for a few hours.  It was by far one of the best concerts I have ever been too.

 

9.  Invasion of the birds 

                Cedar Waxwings birds came to my neighbourhood on two separate occasions in March and took over the trees, bushes and airspace.  I grabbed a few photos from my window because I didn’t want to scare them off but then headed outside.  They didn’t all take off and in fact they didn’t seem to pay much attention to me at all. As impressive as it was from in the house I was blown away by the sight when I came out.  The noise was unbelievable.  The neighbourhood was alive with the squawking of hundreds of birds.   They played in the snow and stripped the bushes of any berries that had started to show up and when they were done they all took off together.  It was like a great big team.  When they lifted up all you could hear was the flapping of the wings.  It was pretty phenomenal.  I hope to see them again in 2014. 

 8.  Success of my Christmas Family

                Without a doubt the moment I’m most proud of this year was a month in the making.  With the help of friends and co-workers I was able to put together almost $1000 in gifts and gift cards for a family dealing with cancer.  Adopting a family at Christmas is something we do at work each year but with all the relocation of us because of the flood I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fundraise like we normally would.  I made the decision to adopt a family regardless even if it meant I had to donate a bunch of my own money to make it a success.  I had my doubts I was going to be able to pull it off but the night it came to wrap and I began to unpack bags I was filled with joy.  I knew that this was going to make a difference for one family and that they would be able to have an amazing holiday because of how generous the people in my life were.  To me that is what Christmas is and my Christmas was made when I dropped it off at the hospital.

 

7.  Meeting Cary Elwes

                For my second year attending the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo the highlight of the whole weekend was getting to meet Cary Elwes.  I developed a crush on him when I first saw the Princess Bride when I was a young girl.  That movie became one of my favourite all time movies and I still watch it anytime I get sick.  When I found out Chris Sarandon and Cary Elwes were coming to the Expo I was so excited.  Friday when the doors opened I knew where my first stop was going and quickly made my way to the autograph section and found where Cary was signing.  It took me a minute to get the courage to go up but I did.  He was so nice.  I quickly told him he was one of my first crushes to which he replied that I was a sweetheart (probably well trying to figure out if I was harmless or crazy).  It made my whole Expo.

               I do have to admit though that it was hard to pick just one moment from Expo this year.  I had so much fun and met so many of my favourite actors including but not limited to Nathan Fillion, Michael Shanks and MacGyver himself, Richard Dean Anderson.  It didn’t matter where I went I felt like I was on cloud nine, helped by the fact I had also splurged on the VIP pass so I was undaunted by line ups to make me cranky.  2013 was an amazing year for me at the Expo and I still find myself looking at the scrapbook and remembering.

 

 

6.  Easter at my Sister’s 

                It is not very often anymore that I get to be around both of my nieces and my nephew at the same time.  This year for Easter though not only did I get to see all three of them but also got to spend the day with my Nan as well.  It was a great opportunity to take a few family photos (even with the complaining that goes with them), enjoy some good food and fun company.  I love it when my family all gets together to celebrate something together.  As much as we might not always get along it is good to see that from time to time we can get together and just have a good time. 

 

 

5.  Death of my first car/New car

                As much as I joked about getting into an accident so I could get a new car I was not prepared for the reality of that situation.  (I also learned not to joke up things like that…self-fulfilling prophecies and all that jazz…eek!)  I was crushed to see my faithful Tercel towed away after a minor accident.  It felt like such a waste for it to be written off.  That being said it didn’t take me long to fall in love with Serenity, my brand new Corolla, once I had her.  The car buying experience was helped by some amazing friends who helped keep me sane when stress was threatening to overtake me.  It turned out to be an amazing experience.  My luck with cars this year has not been so great and Serenity has been broken in rather harshly but hopefully 2014 and beyond she will get to live up to her name and enjoy an injury free existence.

 

4.  BJ opening her scrapbook

                I love giving scrapbooks as presents because they always get the best reactions.  This year I decided to put together a scrapbook for BJ, one of the owners of the Rosebud Country Inn that we love.  It was a simple scrapbook of the top ten reasons we love Rosebud.  I filled the book with some of the pictures I have taken over the years and had each of the gang I go out there with write letters telling her how special we think our experiences are when we visit.  We gave it to BJ in the morning of our annual Christmas visit and as soon as she opened it you could tell how touched she was.  I didn’t capture the initial moment on camera because I didn’t want to intrude into it but to see her tear up and become speechless filled my heart with joy.  The best part about this moment was that I got to share it with some of my best friends. 

 

3.  Calgary (and Alberta) floods  

                The floods this year have been on almost any news related list I have seen.  For me the floods meant a complete change in my workplace.  After 7 years of working at the old Holy Cross hospital we were forced out by the water flowing through our city.  As we left the building we joked about getting a rain day but we none of us realized just how bad it was going to get.  The next day waking up to the news that the city was in a state of emergency and badly flooded was unreal.  It was hard to believe what we were seeing on the news and even after going and taking photos for myself I still found it hard to believe.  I’m sad that we won’t be going back to the Holy Cross again but am looking forward to finally getting an office location where we can settle in again early in 2014.  

                Beyond the work side of the flood though what I find most memorable about the flood was after it was done and how our city pulled together.  So many people were wanting to help out and do anything they could.  When I went to help out at my friend’s condo I was blown away by the number of people who were walking from house to house offering help, dropping off food or just offering some words of encouragement.  It was truly inspiring to see just how much people care.  It gave me faith and pride in my city. 

 

2.  A published photo

                One of the amazing things to come out of the flood for me was the fact that I got to have a photo published.  The morning after the flood I went out with a friend to get a look at the Bow River.  As we walked along a ridge and I looked at my flooded city I was blown away.  I did what I always do though and started taking photos which of course I posted on Facebook.  My Aunt saw them and asked if she could use one of them for a newspaper called Alberta Street News.  I said that was fine as long as I could get a copy of it.  I was so excited when it came in the mail and there on the front page was my name and picture. 

 

1.  A published article

                If having a photo published wasn’t enough I also got to see my name in print this year on something I wrote as well.  Having an article published in the Calgary Comic and Entertainment program guide was by far one of the coolest things.  I’m not sure it was my best writing and it was a little out of my frame of reference since I usually only write fiction (or random babbling blog entries) but it was still pretty cool to see something I wrote published in black and white.  I loved more than anything being able to give copies of it to my parents and to my Nan.  I don’t think I will ever forget that moment when I first saw it.  Pride, joy and a little bit of terror filled me.  I even saw someone reading it while I was at the Expo which was so exciting.  I had a reader (even if they didn’t know it). 

 

 

 

I hope everyone reading this created a lot of great memories this year as well.  I look forward to see what 2014 has to offer.  

A Week like No Other

I keep thinking back to last Thursday (the 20^th) when we were told to leave work because of the evacuation order for Mission.  A group of us walked over to the river right behind the office to check it out and we were all joking because it didn’t seem so bad.  

In the giddiness of an early dismissal from work this didn't look too bad.
 

It seemed hard to believe that it was really worth evacuating us and we all figured at worst we would get a long weekend out of it with Friday off as a “rain day”.  When I woke up Friday morning and saw how much of my city was full of water I was blown away.  It was surreal and unbelievable.  It was the start of what feels like a very long, stressful and emotional week.  Yet at the same time in a lot of ways it was one of the best weeks of my life. 

The best way to I know how to explain what has been going on with me is to break it down to a few different parts.  The first is the flood itself, the second is the greatness of individuals that I have seen come out of the flood and the last is work.  Each area has had a different effect on me but all of them together have created a week that I’m not like to ever forget.

After waking up early on Friday I found myself glued to my television as more and more reports and images came in about the flooding in our city and around Southern Alberta.  I was worried for a great deal of people in my life.  A handful of some of my very best friends were all living in areas that were being inundated with water and my heart was breaking for what they potentially could be losing and I was worried but hopeful that everyone was safe and sound.  As I heard from all of them my fears were put to ease on their well being and I knew we would just have to wait and see how the rest would turn out.    

As crazy and bad as things looked there was at least some humor to be had.  Rumors began to circulate, on twitter mostly, that the big cats from the zoo were evacuated to the city jail to be locked in cages there.  This of course was just one of the contingency plans but it seemed to have everyone laughing and joking, including our Mayor who said ‘he wanted that photo’.  Of course for all the jokes that started to pop-up (things like how were the Flames going to be able to drain the Saddledome with only one cup?) the seriousness of the situation also began to set in.  The images that were being shared on TV and social media were almost unreal.  I went out to take a few pictures Friday morning and even though I saw it for myself, to see so much water covering our streets was just really hard to believe.  It was shocking to say the least.

It is surreal to not only see water on the streets but an empty downtown at 8am on a Friday

As the water began to recede though not only did it reveal how much damage the city was going to be dealing with but it also began to reveal the true spirit of Calgary.  Actually to be fair it started to come out on the Thursday night as people were beginning to be evacuated from homes.   Quickly on social media and kijiji people were speaking up offering places for people to go.  The ones that touched me the most were the ones that were not only opening their homes to people but to their pets as well.  This desire to help continued to grow.  As people were allowed back into areas that had been flooded out it wasn’t only the residents that went back but volunteers also moved into the areas.  Adults and kids alike were all coming out and were willing to get dirty or even just bringing food, water and support to areas that now looked like war zones.  It was inspiring to hear the stories but I couldn’t have prepared at how wonderful it felt to actually experience this love and support.

On Tuesday (the 25^th) I went with my current house guest and good friend to her condo to offer any help that I could.  I was a little worried because I’m not the most physically fit and I certainly have no clue what to do with tools but I was willing to give it a shot.  When we arrived we quickly got to work cleaning up mud, water and random debris from her basement and garage area.  Time flew by surprisingly fast and although it was hard work it didn’t seem as bad as I was prepared for.  As the morning turned to afternoon it was time to take a break from the basement and that is when I first experienced some of the warmest and most sincere interactions I have ever known.  I do not always have the best luck with large groups of people but there were on insults tossed.  Instead I was greeted with so much support.  We got offers of food, water, and help.  There was even one gentleman walking around who stopped just to say hi and encourage us.  It reminded me that there are good people out there.  I will admit it renewed my belief that humans are capable of doing great and wonderful things.  It filled my heart with so much pride and joy it made the afternoon go by even quicker.  By the time I got home that night I felt completely exhausted and yet surprisingly rejuvenated all at the same time – it felt like a strange contradiction of emotions. 



Dirty never felt so good!

Helping out at my friend’s condo gave me a little bit of focus and distraction as I waited to hear what my future was going to look like.  I don’t live in an area that flooded but my office was right in the middle of it.  Holy Cross is actually only a few blocks from my friend’s condo so when I saw her basement I knew there wasn’t much hope for my building.  As the information came out we quickly learned that we did in fact end up with water in our basement which affected our servers which of course impacts on our phone system as well.  As the week has gone by there was much speculation about what was going to happen, where we were going to go and what we would be doing as things were fixed.  I’m not a huge fan of change and I’m even less happy about not knowing the details so I have found this week incredibly frustrating.  I give so much gratitude to the management and staff that were dealing with all the details but I hated not knowing.  The good news is we have a place to go now.  I’m not thrilled about the idea of the move because it is going to increase my commuting time but I keep reminding myself that it will be temporary and it could have been worse.  I mean at least I still have a job and there is somewhere for us to move to. 

 

I have to admit that after spending part of my afternoon grabbing stuff from my desk in the dark Holy Cross building I am feeling a little more grateful about how things have turned out.  We looked down the stairs and saw how high the water came up in our basement and I was shocked – I never considered work would actually get water even though it does sit right next to the river.  I know it’s a little crazy. 

A pitch black basement lit by a flash and a couple flashlights.

 

When I went to my desk I found myself getting a little more emotional though.  All around my desk I have pictures of friends, family and even what I call my wall of fame which consists of pictures from my meetings with famous people and as I looked at them in the glow of my flashlight I found myself reminded of what really matters.  It was one picture in particular that set me off.  Thursday morning I had actually just put up a new photo of me and my Nan and when I saw it I just knew that things would be ok.  Sure the next few weeks are going to be crazy and inconvenient but compared to so many people in this city I really have nothing to complain about.  I decided in that moment that I would look at this change as something positive and go into it with an open mind.

This week really has been a week of ups and downs but it is a week I will never forget.  In the end I know the memories that will stand out the most are the positive – the good will and love that fills this city and makes us who we are.  Life is starting to get back to normal, even if that normal is a little different than it was last week.

Proud to be a Calgarian

I feel the need to write a little something to go with the photos I posted from yesterday.  Since we got the evacuate notice yesterday afternoon things have been pretty crazy.  The city I love and have called home all my life is experiencing things that we have never seen before.  The amount of water that is through many of the communities in the city is beyond belief.  The images that have been coming over social media and the news are insane.  It is hard to actually come up with the words to describe what is going on.

One thing that I have to say though is that as a city we are pulling through.  People are offering their houses for people that have been evacuated.  There is talk all over twitter and Facebook of people wanting to help out.  It is amazing to see the city come together to support each other.   I’m blown away by what I’m seeing.  It is good to see people being so good to each other.  It makes me feel even better about the city I live in.

It is really hard to come up with the words to express what I want to say so I think I will end this entry with some more photos, a few of my own and a few that I have gotten off of Facebook.  I am keeping everyone who is displaced from their homes in my prayers.  Calgarians keep your spirits high and remember to be good to each other.  If we rely on each other we will get through this and be able to clean up and recover.

Centre Street bridge this morning around 8am.



(Not My Photo - don't have a credit for it)The bridge that I was taking photos from yesterday behind my work.  A lot more water there now.

(Not My Photo - don't have a credit for it) The Stampede Grounds

(Not My Photo - don't have a credit for it) A pub that is very near where I work.

Strolling Down Memory Lane

It has been awhile since I checked in with my blog and I figured I should get my fingers typing again.  I have a couple entries planned but today I want to share what has been the most amazing part of the last month or so.  I may have been ignoring my blog but it has been for good reason because I have been stolen away into the land of inspiration.  I have found myself using ever spare moment to scribble in notebooks, lost in my imagination and reliving large parts of my own personal past.  I’m truly excited about what seems to be percolating in my mind even if I don’t know what exactly it is yet.  In hopes of figuring out the story and get it written I have decided to sign up to do Camp Nanowrimo again next month.

After Calgary Expo I started to toss around a few ideas in my head about what I wanted to work on for my writing.  I have a couple of historical fiction stories I am working but I wanted to have something that I could do easily.  Don’t get me wrong I love my historical fiction and I love the research that goes along with it but sometimes I just want to write.  In my university days I solved the problem by writing “questionable” material and although that was always fun right now it is not something that is top of my imagination.  Anyway with the desire to find something that I could work on easily an idea started to take shape and it has quickly snowballed into something (even if I don’t know what that something is yet).  I have a vision of taking the stories from my past (all the good and bad) and turn them into some form of fiction. 

It does seem a little egocentric to think that the things I have experienced might have a place in a piece of fiction or maybe something more autobiographical but the idea is sticking.  It has been a long time since I felt this inspired and driven.  If the planning and thinking about this project are any indication of what writing will be like I think it has potential.  (God that sounds like I’m bragging…LOL).

One of the coolest things to come out of this whole idea is how many of my old memories are coming back to me.  It started off with a couple of memories of some of the more negative things I have experienced but the more I jot down the memories the more that seem to be popping into my mind.  In the last few weeks I have been reliving many moments from my life.  It is amazing me at how much has actually been locked away in my mind. 

This has been both a blessing and a curse all at the same time.  I think I am gaining a much better understanding of who I am, what I believe in and what I want which has been pretty cool.  On the other hand I have also been reliving some of the hardest moments in my life which has been a challenge when it comes to keeping my mood on the positive side of things.  There have been some nights where it has been quite overwhelming as I feel the rush of guilt, anger and sadness that have surrounded some of these more negative moments.  I’m sure a lot of these memories were locked away in my subconscious for a reason but at the same time in unlocking them I have opened my mind up to a whole new level of understanding.

What I have discovered is that in looking back on some of the worst memories I can see them in a different light.  It might be the rose coloured glasses of nostalgia in some cases or just the fact that the passing of time has made things less intense but I have learned a lot.  I can know accept the events I went through as I was growing up as a part of who I am.  I love the person I am right now and I don’t think I would have near the compassion, empathy or desire to help people if I hadn’t seen some of the worst things people could throw at me.  It is a pretty powerful realization to actually accept your past for what it is and for what it has made you.

Who would have thought that a simple idea for a story would turn into something that would become so powerful for me?  Even if nothing comes of the ideas I am so happy to be writing down the memories.  In a perfect world I’m hoping it will turn into something that I can publish that might help other people learn to love and accept themselves for who they are in our world where it seems like people are losing themselves in negativity.  But then again even writing that last sentence makes me feel a little weird.  I guess we will see what the future holds.

Tossing out the trash!

I have written and re-written this blog entry more times in the last two weeks than I have any other piece of writing I have created (well maybe with the exception of one piece that is actually being published.) This is an entry I want to share because I have come to realize that what is contained within it has had a huge impact on my life, in fact I would probably list it as one of the defining moments in my life, which is scary because it was also an incredibly negative moment. It is a moment that I don’t think I have even shared with anyone (although I may have at the time but if I did it would have been very much abridged). It is a moment in my life where I not only doubted myself but felt embarrassed about who I am. That is why I want to write about it though. I know that in writing about it I will be able to find a way to let it go like I have done so many other negative influences in my world. I also think more than that though I also want this entry to be a call to arms so to speak for people to start spreading positivity in this world. There is so much negative in this world and we need to push it out with the positive but the problem is that for every negative voice we need so many more positive ones to balance it out.

As I have written about before I have been heavy all my life. It has never really been something I worried about or even cared about. I have generally always just accepted that I am who I am and have been content with that. I lived in my own world which was probably more than a little deluded but it worked for me. All that being said growing up heavy did create its own set of challenges and struggles, especially in junior high and high school that at times damaged both my ego and self-esteem. It crept into my own world and showed me that I was different and it took a lot of work and effort, not to mention I’m sure a healthy dose of denial to keep myself from going down darker paths that I know others have taken. By the time I hit university though I was putting a lot of that behind me. I was entering a world where people seemed to be a whole lot more open and accepting. I left behind the childish world of cliques and found a world that had a spot for me in it. I discovered a whole world of courses that I loved on topics that fascinated me. Of course I was also able to find a whole new bunch of people that looked at the world in a similar way as me that I could fit in with. Things were looking up and the world had promise. I was ready to reach for the stars and get everything I had longed for while in high school.

I was excited and enjoying life but there were still moments where the reality of being big in a small world would sneak back up. Random comments from passing strangers were always the worst. They came out of the blue (and usually when you were having a great day) and bashed you down. They hurt at the moment, caused anger and tears but they never stuck with me. Sure they have added to my hesitation about being in large crowds of people but in general I never put a lot of stock in the random comments. The reason I share this now is because I think it was those off-handed comments that played on my mind that made this one event seem bigger and more important than it should have been. I could also write a blog entry on its own about the impact of those small off-handed comments but I just want it to stand for those moments when we don’t think before we speak. Words can cut just as deep as a knife, the bleeding is just invisible.

In my third year of university though I would experience something that made those small comments seem unimportant and that created a little negative voice that has plagued me for years. It is something that not only had a major impact on me at the time but it ultimately changed my life as it stands today. In theory my world would look a lot different had this one event not happened (I likely would have been a teacher but then again I believe things happen for a reason so who knows maybe I still wouldn’t have been a teacher anyway). At the University of Lethbridge before you can apply to the faculty of education there is a course you have to take. It gets you out in the classroom a couple days a week and works to prepare you for what is to come if you choose to pursue a teaching degree. Basically it gives you a small taste of what it is like to be a teacher to see if you really want to do it. I was excited by the prospect of being a teacher. I love kids and loved being around them and I thought it was also a great way to be able to make a difference in our world. I loved the course and was having a great time and thought that I was doing a good job until one day when the teacher pulled me aside. She proceeded to tell me that I should reconsider my career choice because I would not make a good role model for the kids. I was shocked by this because again I thought I was going a good job. I was then left dumbfounded though when she continued and said that it was because of my weight and that maybe if I found a doctor and took care of things that it could be better. I was blown away. I barely remember walking back to my dorms after that. I was angry and crushed all at the same time. I knew that without her recommendation I also wouldn’t be able to get into the faculty of education so I made the decision to drop the course. I walked away feeling lower than I had ever felt in my life. I buried the incident and ignored it but it created a lasting mark. It was the first time I was really told that ‘no you really can’t be anything you want’ and it stuck. As deep as I buried the incident and put it out of my mind the voice has been there, even if I didn’t always recognize it. Every time I get excited about pushing towards something I want I always pull back. I lost the belief that I had in myself in those few moments.

Looking back now I can admit that the teacher probably did have a point. In a world where childhood obesity is growing by leaps and bounds as a teacher I wouldn’t be the best role model at least not for health. I do think that I could role model other behaviors that are also equally important but she had a point in terms of my weight. She, like many others, were expressing an opinion and I can’t fault her for that. I’m sure she had the best of intentions in her heart about what she was saying (or at least I hope so) and only wanted to try and help point me in a different direction. Of course she really didn’t know me so it really wasn’t her place to say anything but that being said I also could have chosen to deal with the situation differently too. I could have made the choice to stick it out and prove her wrong or at the very least I could have said something to the university but at that moment in time I didn’t have the energy or belief in myself to be able to fight it out. The truth was that the whole incident not only crushed me emotionally but it also left me feeling embarrassed to admit that maybe there was some truth to the things she said.

I have long since come to terms with the fact that I didn’t become a teacher because as much as I love kids I can say now that I wouldn’t have had the patience to be a teacher as a career. The one thing that I do regret about the whole situation though is not fighting for what I wanted. I often wonder if I had fought back and pushed to become a teacher if maybe I would have more drive to do the things I really want now instead of shying away from them.

Now don’t get me wrong I do have success in my life. I tend to be able to get the things I want although more often than not I feel like I sort of fall into them rather than actually work to get them. It feels like a life of flukes rather than plans. I mean even if you look at my current job as a team lead that wasn’t something I sought out but something I fell into. Positions were created for a few of us that had been working there the longest. We were the ones that knew the applications and the programs so it made sense and also was a way to keep us there at a time when we were dealing with a lot of turn over. Another example of me fluking into something is the fact that as of next week I’ll actually have my name printed alongside something I wrote. Being a published author has always been one of my goals and although an article in the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo program guide may not be an award winning novel it is still something I’m proud of (and counting down the days until next Friday when I get to see it). Again though I can’t lie as excited as I am for it I feel that once again I just sort of lucked my way into it because of an old friendship that happened to led to a new friendship that put me in view of the right person.

Here is the question though why on earth do I negate those good things with negativity. If I was to look at this as an outsider it would seem to me that I actually do have people that think I’m capable of doing the things I feel like I fluke into. I have people that give me credit and think I have talent but I don’t actually give myself the same credit. When I really actually think about it I have a lot of positive support in my life. I have had amazing teachers, some of the greatest friends and people that have stood in my corner for as long as I can remember. So why with all of that do I choose to listen to that voice that says it’s not possible? The only answer I have is the fact that negative voices are so much more powerful. They play to our deepest fears and create a great deal of doubt. Negative voices can become the excuse we don’t even realize we use to keep us from doing something amazing.

I can only speak for myself but until two weeks ago I didn’t even realize that I was still carrying this voice inside me. I have worked very hard to let go of negativity. I have worked hard to focus on my strengths and find the things that not only am I good at but that actually allow me to feel wonderful about what I can accomplish. Now that I recognize that voice inside me though I will work to combat it much like I have any other negative thought. I will work to remind myself once again that I am capable of doing anything I want. The goals I have now are in line with the things that I think I am good at and that I have a passion for. I finally have goals that I’m not willing to give up on. They are things that matter to me enough to fight for. A negative voice from my past is not going to keep my dreams from happening anymore. It is time for me to leave this event and the voice in the past where it belongs. In writing it out and sharing the story I can finally toss it out like the trash it is.

But as I said at the start of this entry, I want this blog entry to be more than just a tale of my discovery. I want it to stand for the impact people have on us and that we have on others. Whether it is an off-handed comment or something bigger you do not know what effect it will have. So if we are going to play a role in someone else’s life why not choose to play a positive role. Be one of the many that put a positive spin to things. Be someone that makes the choice to support and love others. I know it sounds cliché but the more positivity you put out there the more it comes back to you. In the last nearly two years that I have actively been working to be a more positive person I have been repaid with more joy, happiness, love and even just good things coming into my life than I could have imagined. It’s not always easy but I do believe it is worth the work. If everyone decided to offer a hand or support to someone think how much nicer this world would be. Think how great it feels when someone does something nice even if it is just as small as a smile or a wave tossed your way. We can change the world if we all put our voices together.

Remembrance Day

I have been doing a lot of thinking about Remembrance Day and its meaning over the last few days in light of hearing last week about the fact that in some school students can opt out of Remembrance Day services. Now let me just say before I get dragged over the coals that I completely understand the idea behind the option and I firmly believe religious freedom is incredibly important. It is those freedoms that wars have been fought to protect. This blog entry is about why Remembrance Day is important to me and why I think it is important that children should take part in it. Although the services may be religious, to me Remembrance Day is not about that. It is about paying respect to the incredibly brave men and women who have fought and continue to fight to let us keep the freedoms we believe in.

I remember going to school around November 11th and seeing poppies fill the halls on all the students and teachers. I remember bringing my quarters to school so I could buy poppies (always at least one a day because they just tend to disappear on you). I also remember being lined up into the school gymnasium for the Remembrance Day assemblies. We sang O’ Canada, listened to a recording (or someone in band as I hit junior high and high school) play The Last Post, stood silently for the minute of silence and finished with hearing The Rouse. I also have vague memories of hearing the poem In Flanders’s Field but couldn’t tell you if that was in the assembly itself or just in the classroom. I don’t remember actually understanding what was going on though, especially in elementary school. I knew that we were supposed to remember the soldiers and I knew that both my Grandpa and Grandad had fought in World War II but like any kid it didn’t really affect me because it was in the past.

As I got older I still kept going to the assemblies. I started to get into the history and began to read anything I could find on aspects of the World Wars. I also began to be more aware of the world around me and started to see that we were still fighting wars all over the world. (It’s a strange world when you realize history is still happening and that the things you thought were in the past are actually still going on – but that is a blog for another day.) As I became more aware, Remembrance Day also became a connection not only to the history I was learning but also to my own family history. It made the day a little more special and important, at least while I was in school.

When I graduated high school the assemblies stopped happening. I went off to university and started to really get into history. I spent hours reading story after story and textbook after textbook. I was fascinated especially as I began to learn more about the Canadian connections to important war changing battles. Sadly, although I did get to the odd ceremony, it was never a priority for me to attend. I would always think of my grandfathers on the 11th but usually the day would pass with me just happy to have an extra day off to get an essay written or a day to sleep in.

That changed for me though when I went to Europe in 2008. Actually that trip changed a lot for me, when it came to how I think about and experience the history I had long studied. I was walking in the spots where the battles had taken place that I had studied. I was visiting gravesites full of graves from the soldiers that had made the ultimate sacrifice to do what they believed in. I really began to realize just how many people lost their lives and the huge scale of what went on during those two wars.

One of the most powerful moments of my trip was when my tour guide took us to Juno Beach. It wasn’t a planned part of the tour but the guide knew I was Canadian and offered to take us if the other people on the tour were ok with it, which they were. As I stepped onto the sand of a very pretty beach I got goosebumps on my arms. At that moment as I stood there it was just a beach but I knew that on June 6, 1944 it was a battleground. The Dday landings played such a huge role in ending World War II, it was awe inspiring to be standing there knowing the history the way that I did. I was standing where thousands of men, Canadians as well as other members of the British Commonwealth, had fought so hard. I tried to imagine what it must have been like on that day of the landing and tried to match that with the calm that I was experiencing while I was standing on the beach. They just didn’t quite line up. In that moment, standing there, I could really feel the history, physically and emotionally. It was a very moving moment for me and one that I will not ever forget. (Here is some more information on Juno Beach)

After the stop at the beach, the tour guide took us to the Canadian Cemetery at Beny-Sur-Mer. Throughout my vacation I had been going to commonwealth grave sites, where you would see maple leaves on some of the tombstones but nothing could compare to walking around Beny-Sur-Mer and seeing all the graves with maples leaves. It made for a beautiful picture but it also created another connection for me to the stories I had studied and learned about.

This was the truth behind the battle fought. War means loss of life, no matter how you look at it or spin it. When I came back from that trip Remembrance Day had a new meaning for me. I started going to Remembrance Day ceremonies. I finally understood on a deeper level how important November 11th is to me. For me it is a connection to my family history, to my country’s history and just simply something that I feel is important to remember. It has nothing to do with religion for me it is a matter of respect. So many gave up their lives for my future I can spend a few hours each year remembering all of them. I am grateful that people exist that are willing to fight to protect and defend people like me.

As I end this blog I just want to share my hopes for the future. It is my hope that all people will continue to remember and value the importance of November 11th. I hope that one day we will find a way to get along with each other and actually find world peace so that Remembrance Day can stand for finally achieving peace. I also hope that since we no longer have any World War I veterans left in Canada, and the numbers of World War II veterans continues to dwindle people will continue to recognize and value what they did for us. I hope that children will be taught the importance of the day and learn to value the gifts we have been given. Lastly I hope that even if the option is there to opt out of remembering that people will continue to choose to do it.

In remembering our history we learn the value of where we are today.

Photo Wednesday: Brave Young Men

As this will be my last photo Wednesday before Remembrance Day I wanted to share a couple special photos.  A few years ago, on a mission to get photos for a scrapbook, I took over my parents spare bedroom and scanned over 500 photos from their albums and from my grandparents albums.  These are two of the photos I found.

Grandpa is the top row third from the left.

Grandpa is the bottom row fourth from the left.

These are a couple of photos that I had never seen before.  The only picture I had seen I have included below, it was of him in his uniform.  Most of you know I love history and specifically World War history.  I have spent hours upon hours reading and learning everything I can about the two wars that shaped our world.  Part of the reason I am so driven to get this infomation is because I never really got a lot of information about my Grandpa's time in the war.  I never felt comfortable enough to ask him and since it wasn't something he ever talked about I never got to hear the stories.  What I do know is that when I look at these photos I feel pride for him.  When I look at the photos of these young men I can't help but wonder what became of them and who they all are.  I'm sure there were a great deal of stories between all of them.  I may never know the truth behind those faces but I hope to find out at some point.

I would also like to share two more photos.  These are the individual photos I have of both my Grandpa and my Grandad in their uniforms. I'm grateful that both of them fought in World War II and both of them survived, when so many did not.  

Grandad - Ralph Taylor

Grandpa - Ken McBryan

I hope you have enjoyed a little piece of my history.  I also hope everyone will take a few minutes on November 11 this year to remember all those who have fought and still fight on our behalf.