Tossing out the trash!

I have written and re-written this blog entry more times in the last two weeks than I have any other piece of writing I have created (well maybe with the exception of one piece that is actually being published.) This is an entry I want to share because I have come to realize that what is contained within it has had a huge impact on my life, in fact I would probably list it as one of the defining moments in my life, which is scary because it was also an incredibly negative moment. It is a moment that I don’t think I have even shared with anyone (although I may have at the time but if I did it would have been very much abridged). It is a moment in my life where I not only doubted myself but felt embarrassed about who I am. That is why I want to write about it though. I know that in writing about it I will be able to find a way to let it go like I have done so many other negative influences in my world. I also think more than that though I also want this entry to be a call to arms so to speak for people to start spreading positivity in this world. There is so much negative in this world and we need to push it out with the positive but the problem is that for every negative voice we need so many more positive ones to balance it out.

As I have written about before I have been heavy all my life. It has never really been something I worried about or even cared about. I have generally always just accepted that I am who I am and have been content with that. I lived in my own world which was probably more than a little deluded but it worked for me. All that being said growing up heavy did create its own set of challenges and struggles, especially in junior high and high school that at times damaged both my ego and self-esteem. It crept into my own world and showed me that I was different and it took a lot of work and effort, not to mention I’m sure a healthy dose of denial to keep myself from going down darker paths that I know others have taken. By the time I hit university though I was putting a lot of that behind me. I was entering a world where people seemed to be a whole lot more open and accepting. I left behind the childish world of cliques and found a world that had a spot for me in it. I discovered a whole world of courses that I loved on topics that fascinated me. Of course I was also able to find a whole new bunch of people that looked at the world in a similar way as me that I could fit in with. Things were looking up and the world had promise. I was ready to reach for the stars and get everything I had longed for while in high school.

I was excited and enjoying life but there were still moments where the reality of being big in a small world would sneak back up. Random comments from passing strangers were always the worst. They came out of the blue (and usually when you were having a great day) and bashed you down. They hurt at the moment, caused anger and tears but they never stuck with me. Sure they have added to my hesitation about being in large crowds of people but in general I never put a lot of stock in the random comments. The reason I share this now is because I think it was those off-handed comments that played on my mind that made this one event seem bigger and more important than it should have been. I could also write a blog entry on its own about the impact of those small off-handed comments but I just want it to stand for those moments when we don’t think before we speak. Words can cut just as deep as a knife, the bleeding is just invisible.

In my third year of university though I would experience something that made those small comments seem unimportant and that created a little negative voice that has plagued me for years. It is something that not only had a major impact on me at the time but it ultimately changed my life as it stands today. In theory my world would look a lot different had this one event not happened (I likely would have been a teacher but then again I believe things happen for a reason so who knows maybe I still wouldn’t have been a teacher anyway). At the University of Lethbridge before you can apply to the faculty of education there is a course you have to take. It gets you out in the classroom a couple days a week and works to prepare you for what is to come if you choose to pursue a teaching degree. Basically it gives you a small taste of what it is like to be a teacher to see if you really want to do it. I was excited by the prospect of being a teacher. I love kids and loved being around them and I thought it was also a great way to be able to make a difference in our world. I loved the course and was having a great time and thought that I was doing a good job until one day when the teacher pulled me aside. She proceeded to tell me that I should reconsider my career choice because I would not make a good role model for the kids. I was shocked by this because again I thought I was going a good job. I was then left dumbfounded though when she continued and said that it was because of my weight and that maybe if I found a doctor and took care of things that it could be better. I was blown away. I barely remember walking back to my dorms after that. I was angry and crushed all at the same time. I knew that without her recommendation I also wouldn’t be able to get into the faculty of education so I made the decision to drop the course. I walked away feeling lower than I had ever felt in my life. I buried the incident and ignored it but it created a lasting mark. It was the first time I was really told that ‘no you really can’t be anything you want’ and it stuck. As deep as I buried the incident and put it out of my mind the voice has been there, even if I didn’t always recognize it. Every time I get excited about pushing towards something I want I always pull back. I lost the belief that I had in myself in those few moments.

Looking back now I can admit that the teacher probably did have a point. In a world where childhood obesity is growing by leaps and bounds as a teacher I wouldn’t be the best role model at least not for health. I do think that I could role model other behaviors that are also equally important but she had a point in terms of my weight. She, like many others, were expressing an opinion and I can’t fault her for that. I’m sure she had the best of intentions in her heart about what she was saying (or at least I hope so) and only wanted to try and help point me in a different direction. Of course she really didn’t know me so it really wasn’t her place to say anything but that being said I also could have chosen to deal with the situation differently too. I could have made the choice to stick it out and prove her wrong or at the very least I could have said something to the university but at that moment in time I didn’t have the energy or belief in myself to be able to fight it out. The truth was that the whole incident not only crushed me emotionally but it also left me feeling embarrassed to admit that maybe there was some truth to the things she said.

I have long since come to terms with the fact that I didn’t become a teacher because as much as I love kids I can say now that I wouldn’t have had the patience to be a teacher as a career. The one thing that I do regret about the whole situation though is not fighting for what I wanted. I often wonder if I had fought back and pushed to become a teacher if maybe I would have more drive to do the things I really want now instead of shying away from them.

Now don’t get me wrong I do have success in my life. I tend to be able to get the things I want although more often than not I feel like I sort of fall into them rather than actually work to get them. It feels like a life of flukes rather than plans. I mean even if you look at my current job as a team lead that wasn’t something I sought out but something I fell into. Positions were created for a few of us that had been working there the longest. We were the ones that knew the applications and the programs so it made sense and also was a way to keep us there at a time when we were dealing with a lot of turn over. Another example of me fluking into something is the fact that as of next week I’ll actually have my name printed alongside something I wrote. Being a published author has always been one of my goals and although an article in the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo program guide may not be an award winning novel it is still something I’m proud of (and counting down the days until next Friday when I get to see it). Again though I can’t lie as excited as I am for it I feel that once again I just sort of lucked my way into it because of an old friendship that happened to led to a new friendship that put me in view of the right person.

Here is the question though why on earth do I negate those good things with negativity. If I was to look at this as an outsider it would seem to me that I actually do have people that think I’m capable of doing the things I feel like I fluke into. I have people that give me credit and think I have talent but I don’t actually give myself the same credit. When I really actually think about it I have a lot of positive support in my life. I have had amazing teachers, some of the greatest friends and people that have stood in my corner for as long as I can remember. So why with all of that do I choose to listen to that voice that says it’s not possible? The only answer I have is the fact that negative voices are so much more powerful. They play to our deepest fears and create a great deal of doubt. Negative voices can become the excuse we don’t even realize we use to keep us from doing something amazing.

I can only speak for myself but until two weeks ago I didn’t even realize that I was still carrying this voice inside me. I have worked very hard to let go of negativity. I have worked hard to focus on my strengths and find the things that not only am I good at but that actually allow me to feel wonderful about what I can accomplish. Now that I recognize that voice inside me though I will work to combat it much like I have any other negative thought. I will work to remind myself once again that I am capable of doing anything I want. The goals I have now are in line with the things that I think I am good at and that I have a passion for. I finally have goals that I’m not willing to give up on. They are things that matter to me enough to fight for. A negative voice from my past is not going to keep my dreams from happening anymore. It is time for me to leave this event and the voice in the past where it belongs. In writing it out and sharing the story I can finally toss it out like the trash it is.

But as I said at the start of this entry, I want this blog entry to be more than just a tale of my discovery. I want it to stand for the impact people have on us and that we have on others. Whether it is an off-handed comment or something bigger you do not know what effect it will have. So if we are going to play a role in someone else’s life why not choose to play a positive role. Be one of the many that put a positive spin to things. Be someone that makes the choice to support and love others. I know it sounds cliché but the more positivity you put out there the more it comes back to you. In the last nearly two years that I have actively been working to be a more positive person I have been repaid with more joy, happiness, love and even just good things coming into my life than I could have imagined. It’s not always easy but I do believe it is worth the work. If everyone decided to offer a hand or support to someone think how much nicer this world would be. Think how great it feels when someone does something nice even if it is just as small as a smile or a wave tossed your way. We can change the world if we all put our voices together.