Rocky Mountain Soap Women’s Run

I had planned to write this entry on Sunday night, however the day proved a little too emotional and exhausting which meant that I had a hard time putting my words into any sort of order.  As great as Terry Fox was (which you can read about here) this race had a much bigger impact on me.  I have decided to do something a little different with this entry.  What is going to follow is actually my journal entry from the 24^th.  As I mentioned Sunday was pretty emotional so I will add in the missing pieces to help me create the complete picture and try to make coherent some of the rambling.  The entry was written in three sections and large parts of it were written with tears running down my face.  I will keep the journal entry in black with anything I’m adding in red.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 1

It is race day and of course my body figures 5am is a good time to wake up.  I’m excited and nervous.  My tummy is full of butterflies but I’m ready and determined.  I am just going to try and remember that for every uphill there will be a downhill.  As long as I keep moving I will be kicking ass. (By the end of the race I was arguing this point.  Logic says since we ended at the same spot we started that up and down balanced out but it sure felt like there was a lot more up than down.) 

My goal today is to have fun, do my best and just enjoy the day.  Canmore is beautiful.  I’m with friends & doing something I enjoy.  Today will be awesome.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 2

I survived.  It was way harder than even I could have expected.  There were a couple of quite intense hills.  It was really hot.  I did it though.

I had one scary moment after the race.  I was eating a cookie and suddenly felt horrible.  I’m pretty sure I was close to passing out.  I got tunnel vision and the world got hazy.  Apparently I also got quite pale.  We moved to the shade and Tracy got me water.  It was pretty scary but I guess it shows I left it all on the trail.  (Well at the very least I worked hard and pushed myself harder than I have ever pushed myself before.  I suspect it was a combination of many factors but I will never forget that feeling or how grateful to all of my friends for making sure I was okay.)

It was an emotional run.  As we were getting close to the end I started to get choked up.  Someone yelled ‘you are almost there’ and I just had this wave of emotion.  I actually had to slow down and stop on the hill because when I start to tear up my throat gets super tight and trying to climb a hill as you are doing that is a bit challenging.  This was the only time I actually had to stop on the race so I could catch my breath and get my head right so I could keep going.  Then as I came around the last corner to head towards the finish line I saw Daisy’s (my trainer) friends, Anna and John with a sign for me.  As I looked down towards the finish line getting ready to run to the finish I was greeted with a huge surprise.  Anne and Rose (two friends from work and part of my theatre crew) were there with signs and hats and I started crying.  I felt so loved it was amazing.  As previously noted I can’t cry and run at the same time so I walked across the finish line but I will remember that moment anyway.  It was worth the minute or so it probably cost me on my time.  I have said it before I have the world’s best friends!

Just after I finished a stranger came up and gave me a huge hug.  She told me she finished last in the 5K last year and that she has since lost 125 pounds.  She came over to congratulate me and tell me she was proud and that I could do it.  It was such a very cool genuine moment.  (It was also a little strange for me.  I’m not used to hugging random sweaty strangers but she was very lovely.   This journey has offered me such a great opportunity to meet people.  It is helping me be more open to so many experiences and just embrace them for what they are.  It is showing me that for all the people who have called me names, made fun of me or anything else that there are just as many amazing people ready to cheer me on and encourage me.  I truly feel blessed and amazing.

As hard as today was I can’t wait to do it again.  I didn’t run as much as I had hoped or planned but I do think I beat my Terry Fox run time although I don’t know for sure yet.  I am so proud of what I have done.  I’m only going to get stronger and better.  It is such a weird mix of emotions.  I’m happy, sad, tired and proud.  It is such a huge accomplishment.

The next little section is written to my friend Will who passed away in 2011.  Anytime I do amazing things he is never far from my mind.  I miss you Will and wish you were here to share this.  You were the first person to really believe in me and the first to convince me that I am special and capable.  You opened the door for this journey.  I will forever be grateful of that.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 3

The time is in.  It took me 1 hour 13 minutes and 1 second.  I can’t help but be proud of that.  It was 3 minutes faster than Terry Fox and the course was way more difficult.  We ended up doing the same trail as the strollers which apparently is a much harder race because you have to climb up again before the finish line.  I am truly just happy that it all worked out.  I will get faster and stronger.  I do have to say as much as I question my sanity during the run I do truly love this.  I don’t know I like running so much but I have never felt anything else like it.  I can’t wait until I can just relax into the run and go.

Anyway I’m exhausted, sunburnt, and pretty much ready for bed.  My brain isn’t making much sense anymore. 

I am so glad that I signed up for this race.  I knew it was going to be challenging and I do very strongly question the course description that lists “moderate hills” but I wouldn’t change a thing.  It was tough enough to make me want to keep improving myself but I still manage to at least accomplish one of my goals (to be my Terry Fox time) so I still get that rush of pride.  I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me next. 

Here are a few photos from the race.  Before sharing the photos though I would like to say thank you to everyone who have supported me on this journey so far.  Thank you to all my friends, old and new.  A special thank you to Rose, Anne, Anna and John for coming out with signs to cheer me on – it made my day.  Also a special thank you to the stranger that shared her story with me – it is so inspiring to know other people are doing this journey too.  Most of all I want to thank my trainer.  She not only showed me a new way to train to run but she has also talked me through many challenging moments including Sunday’s race.  Daisy has helped me come a long way in the last 6 months.  I am grateful and blessed for all the people I have in my life.

My crazy trainer and I pre-race.

Two of my longest friends - Kendall, Tracy and little Grayson.

Rose, Daisy, Me, Anna, John, Tracy, Kendall
Anne, Grayson

Rose, John, me, Anne, Kendall
Anna, Daisy, Tracy, Grayson

I love these shots together and how much better my shirt fits now.  As soon as I put them together I felt a huge wave of pride and accomplishment.  You can do anything if you put your mind to it.

Progress in Cold Hard Numbers

I have been struggling with how to write about my personal training for as many months as I have been doing it (which is just over 4 months now).  To say that is has changed my life feels like an understatement and at the same time I feel like putting so much importance on training takes away from the other parts of this journey that began long before training.  The reality is though that training has changed a lot about me, not just physically but mentally and spiritually as well.  The way I think about a lot of this journey, about food and about exercise have changed a great deal as I have been working with my trainer.  It is true that these things were also changing before training but certainly I feel that it has been more dramatic since I first got my trainer. 

I’m still working on being able to write about all of this coherently but in the mean time I figured it was time to do something I haven’t really ever done on this blog before.  It is time to share some of the numbers that I have been using to drive me through this journey.  I am writing this entry not only to share the changes I have been making but also as a way to show myself that no matter how slow this journey is and how long it is taking , progress is happening.  I am moving forward one baby step at a time and learning to love every minute of it.  I am becoming stronger physically and mentally.  I am finding my confidence and my inner athlete.

Weight Related Numbers

Highest weigh in happened Sept 7, 2013

From Sept 7 2013 to Mar 7, 2015 total pounds lost 38.6 pounds

Weight lost from Feb 7, 2015 to Mar 7, 2015 is 5.6 pounds

Training

Total hours done = 19

Total number of sessions = 27 (I think although I might be off by one or two)

Strength Training Numbers (based on the 4 weeks from Jan 14 – Feb 11)

Chest Press with dumbbells – started with 15 pounds up to 40 pounds

Cable Row – started with 60 pounds and up to 70 pounds

Bicep curl with dumbbells – started with 15 pounds up to 20

Cable tricep push downs – started with 20 (which by the 3^rd set was a real struggle) and up to 25

Leg Press – started with 90 and now up to 105

Shoulder Press – started with 10 pounds and up to 15 pounds

Cardio Numbers 

First 5K = 1 hour 16 minutes

30 second timed intervals

Exercise	Feb 7th	Mar 7th	Feb 7th	Mar 7th	Feb 7th	Mar 7th
Mod Burpee	9	9	9	9	9	10
Squat and press 6lbs	15	17	17	15	16	14
Med ball smash 10lbs	16	17	14	18	16	20
Agility ladder single steps	7	7.5	7	8	7	8
Step Ups	14	13	14	13	14	15

I have learned in this journey that as important as the numbers are for showing me that I’m improving they really do only tell half the picture.  There are times when the numbers don’t reflect the effort so I have also spent a great deal of time making sure to track and journal my emotions & overall physical sensations.  These results are more subjective but are equally as important in showing my success.  I know that I feel better, stronger, faster and more agile but these are hard to document in the same way.  I have learned to trust myself and this process.  I put a lot of faith into the people like my trainer who are guiding and supporting me.  All of this has helped give me the results that I see in the following pictures.

Even the biggest of distances can be tackled over time with the smallest of steps, as long as you keep moving in the right direction.  Hills happen but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other even they can be climbed.  I will end this entry with a quote that I love from C S Lewis - “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different”.  

A Little Off Kilter

This week has been an interesting week that has spawned a lot of talking and a lot of journal writing so I figured it was probably worth sharing.

This week started off the same as any other week but I just didn’t feel myself.  There was nothing physically wrong that I could put my finger on, no major stress or really nothing out of the ordinary going on and yet all week (well okay at least Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday) I felt out of sorts.  Silly things were getting to me like the hum of the new air conditioner they put in our office or the fact I left my phone at home going to the gym Wednesday night.  It’s just those little things that make you feel like you are slowly going a little nuts.

This all came to a head in last night’s personal training session.  I walked in and warmed up like normal.  I chatted with a few of my favourite regular gym buddies and waited for my training time.  Wednesday’s is always one of my favourite nights because it is the night that my trainer and I do strength training.  I have learned that I completely love lifting weights.  I generally leave feeling strong and very bad ass.  Last night though I wasn’t feeling it.  I wasn’t upset or sad or happy or excited.  I was just there.  The reality is that if I hadn’t had a training session I probably wouldn’t have even gone to the gym.  The session itself was tough.  It was the first time we worked for a solid 60mins without any major chat breaks.  The exercises were nothing really that I hadn’t done before although in some cases we added weight but certainly nothing I couldn’t handle.  I expected to be able to just put the effort in and get through it like any other week.  That was not to be however.  I was blown away when sheer emotion swept over me. 

The first moment I really noticed the emotion was when I went from doing chest presses right into a set of single arm rows.  As I transitioned to the rows I suddenly felt like I wanted to cry.  I had to actually fight the tears back.  Luckily focusing on lifting the weight helped refocus my brain and chase the tears away.  I was also a little terrified to cry on a weight floor full of teenage boys and strong men.  It made me think of the moment in A League of Their Own where Tom Hanks says there’s no crying in baseball only of course in my head it was there’s no crying on the weight floor.  hehehe

As we moved to the next set of exercises I was faced with the negative voice that sometimes pops into my brain.  We had been doing sumo squats with a kettle bell and then doing step ups with a weight.  I did the sumo squats without a problem (I have grown to really love squats) but when it came to move to the steps my brain started screaming that my legs were too shakey to do it and that I couldn’t do it.  As my trainer told me to go I froze.  I looked at her and told her straight up that my legs were arguing and it took me a minute but I was able to tell myself I could do it.  Each time I came to the steps ups I had to tell my brain to shut up. 

The last moment that really got to me was as I went to do these push ups.  They aren’t hard but we do a push up on a bar that runs around the track.  As I push up I push back and off the bar.  As we went to do them for a second set I felt like I was going to cry.  Again focusing on the exercise chased them away but it still is crazy to me. 

The negative voice isn’t new to me.  I know that I’m always going to have to deal with it.  I think we all do.  Telling it to shut up was fairly easy for me.  Of course it helps that my trainer also started chanting that I could do it.  When I have someone cheering me on it is much easier for me to tell myself that I can do it and believe in the power of what I’m doing.  Even when my trainer said on my last set I only had to do 10 per side instead of our normal 12 I still did 12.  I did battle with that negative voice and again proved that it doesn’t know anything.

The wanting to cry was a bit strange to me though.  Normally if I’m going to cry I know why - usually it’s the result of a sappy movie or a moment of self-pity or maybe just a moment of feeling lonely - but the weird thing last night was there was no reason.  I just felt the tears well up and want to spill over.  I was feeling any specific emotion but yet I still wanted to cry.  It was a new experience for me.

As crazy as the last few days were and especially last night I did learn a few things about myself.  The first is that sometimes you just need to have an emotional night.  It might feel a bit scary but sometimes you just need to let it sweep over you.  I woke up this morning and felt refreshed and ready to start over.  It was like everything that needed to be released was let go of last night. 

The second thing I learned about myself was a reminder of just how tough I am.  I think sometimes I forget that I have power within me that can get me through anything.  I have spent a large part of my life taking the easy way out and just doing enough to get by so fighting my way through the hard stuff last night felt really empowering.  Last night’s work out because of the emotional factor was one of the hardest I have ever done but I got through it.  I fought against the tears and the negative voice and came out the other side.  Not only did I accomplish everything my trainer asked but I was able to find focus and determination that I don’t think I really realized I had.  I am one strong cookie and I look forward to the next time I have to prove it to myself.

The reality of the journey that I’m on to lose weight and change my life is that nights like last night are bound to happen.  I knew when I made the decision to change my life that it was going to be a battle.  I’m going up against a lot of years of bad habits but I know that slowly I will change and replace them all with habits that support the life I see in my future.  My trainer likes to say “it is already done”.  It is anything that we have set our minds to.  The biggest part of the battle is making the choice to take the first step.  For me what this means is that although I’m still moving through this journey I already am at the end of it.  In my head I’m there I’m living the life I want.  I just need to wait for my body to catch up with what my mind and soul already know.

I Am A Gym Person!

I’m not sure when it happened but I realized today as I was driving to the gym that I have become a “gym person”. 

A gym person to me is someone who is always in the gym.  It doesn't seem to matter when you go they are already there and they always stay longer than you do.  They seem to know everyone and you can tell that they are enjoying what they do.  They know how to use all the equipment and they don’t seem to have any doubt that they should be there.

When I started at the Y I was only going on the weekends because my weekdays were spent at the gym at my workplace.  So when I would come in Saturday morning, I would hop on the treadmill and just watch.  No one knew me because I was only there one day a week.  I felt like an outsider and like I didn't belong but at the same time I felt a great deal of envy for the ease with which the regulars seemed to move around the gym.  They were intimidating and inspiring all at the same time.  I didn't know how they got there but you could tell they belonged.

Well somehow over the last year, I think that I have become one of those people (although hopefully not intimidating).  It amazes me to think how much my life has changed in the last year.  I love going to the gym.  I love how no matter what I’m doing when I am there that I leave feeling empowered, strong and confident.  Who knew something as simple as small piece of plastic (my gym membership) could have so completely changed me?  I do know and realize that I owe some of the change to personal training but that is a topic for another blog entry (which is proving far harder to write).

One of the biggest changes that has happened is how much I love going to the gym.  It is actually really hard for me to miss a day.  When something comes up and I do have to miss a day I try my best to make it happen on one of my rest days.  If I can’t do that I try to get out and at least go for a walk at lunch.  There was a time where I lived for the days when I could do nothing and now I struggle with them.  Being active truly has become more than just a goal to work towards.  I really make every effort to live it now. 

Something else that has surprised me is my confidence at the gym.  I don’t feel like an outsider anymore.  Sure I’m still not the smallest or most fit person there but it doesn't matter anymore.  When I walk into the gym I feel like I own the place.  I have often told my trainer that I feel like a rock star.  I stand tall and move with confidence.  My normal shyness doesn't seem to exist when I’m there.  I will talk to strangers, looking them in the eye and all with ease.  It feels like I really have become a whole new person.  I’m not trying to hide anymore.  For once in my life I want people to notice me and they are – and not because I’m the big girl trying to work out but because I’m the big girl who is changing her life.

Another thing that has really surprised me is something I didn't expect and not even something I really noticed but something my trainer pointed out.  The harder the activity or work out the bigger I smile.  When she told that to one of the other trainers, who we were talking with, I started to realize something else – I love to be challenged.  I love doing the things that people have said I can’t do or that I have even told myself I can’t do.  The harder it is the more I want to tackle it.  I love the feeling I get when I push myself and the gym has given me so many opportunities to prove that I am more capable and stronger than I could have ever have imagined.  Nothing feels impossible when I’m at the gym.  I go each day (especially training days) and am excited to see what new thing I can try.  I love every minute of it.

I don’t know if my experiences are unique but I do know that I get how people can become gym people.  The atmosphere, the support, the challenge and the instant gratification that comes from doing something new – it all helps to create a place that lets me feel amazing.  It is a place that is letting me grow into the person I have always wanted to be.  It is a place I once feared but now embrace.  So I will proudly claim that I am now and hopefully will forever be a gym person.

Farwell 2014: Thanks for All the Memories

Today I was looking back on my journal entry from this time last year and remembering how hopeful and excited I was for 2014. One of the lines I wrote was “Jill is going to shine in 2014” and you know what I feel like I did.  2014 was an amazing year for me.  Over the last twelve months I found the ability to focus on my goals, a greater sense of confidence in myself and even more peace with my life.  It was a year that surprised me in many ways and also taught me many things.  I feel blessed and changed for all that I experienced this year.  So as I count down the hours until I say goodbye to 2014 and hello to 2015 I figured I should do one last look back at the resolutions I made for 2014 and the new ones I will take forward with me for 2015.

For a look back on my entry at the start of 2014 you can check it out here:
New Year’s Resolutions Past and Present

1) Move More/Lose More
Of all my 2014 resolutions this one is the one that I am the most proud of.  Without a shadow of a doubt I can claim success of this goal.  Actually the sad fact is I was so successful adding movement into my life that this also became one of my excuses why the other goals didn’t get completed as well.  Hehehe.  Not only have I seen my daily Fitbit step totals rise (I am regularly achieving between 11000-13000 steps each day) but I have also taken on many new challenges.  The biggest of course was signing up and completing my first 5K walk.  I also got over some of my fears and misgivings when it came to training and signed up with a personal trainer to help continue to push me along with this resolution.  In terms of my weight loss I didn‘t lose as much as I had hoped but I did manage to lose 23.2 pounds this year bringing my overall weight loss total to 31.1 from my highest weight.  I‘m very proud of this and am beyond excited by the fact that I was finally able to get below the weight I was when Will passed away.  It helped me to feel like I really am moving forward and starting to live the life I know he always wanted me to have.

I am amazed all the time when I look back at where I was at the start of the year to where I am now.  I am doing things I only vaguely hoped for and even things that I didn‘t know to hope for.  This resolution did have a little surprise for me though.  Going into this goal I knew that I would find success when it came to my weight loss.  I also knew that there was no reason I couldn’t move more.  What surprised me though was how much this resolution actually had an effect on my confidence.  Every challenge I took on and every time I lift a stronger weight at the gym I get this huge rush of knowing that I am capable of doing anything.  This goal has allowed me to prove to myself that I am able to do anything.  It has also shown me just how determined I can be when I really believe in something.  I am changed as a person for taking this resolution on.

2) One Day a Week Vegetarian
This resolution was and is mostly a success.  I don’t have a set day that I am all vegetarian but I do eat a lot more variety when it comes to my diet especially when it comes to my proteins.  I have discovered that I love the flavour that comes with a lot of my vegetarian dishes.  I have also been trying to incorporate more vegetables into my everyday diet.  I never knew just how much I really do love veggies until I started this challenge.  Besides just adding more veggies to my diet it has also been interesting to try different forms of protein, grains and other foods I probably never would have tried had it not been for this goal.  A few of my new favourite foods that I wouldn’t have tried include lentils, quinoa and spinach.  This resolution has very much turned into a lifestyle.  I will never become a full vegetarian but I will for sure continue to make many vegetarian meals and continue to have meat free days play a role in my life.

3) Regular Blog Posts
This resolution was pretty much a failure especially when you consider my last entry was back in September after my 5K.  I did have moments of success where I had a purpose and was able to write regularly but I found it hard to maintain.  This is where I blame my first resolution.  Working out regularly has taken a huge toll on the amount of free time I have in my day.  Writing has slipped a bit to the back burner.  I am still writing but it is finding the time to finish the blogs I start and get them ready to be put up that I am struggling with.  That being said I am starting to realize the importance and power that could come from my blog.  This year I have learned the importance of finding people to support you in your goals and it is my hope that my blog can grow into something that will allow my friends the chance to be a part of my journey even if they can‘t physically be with me on all parts of it.  I also hope that it can become a source of inspiration to help my friends find support for their own journeys.

4) 365 Photo-a-Day Project
As much as I love this project and think the one I did for 2013 is still one my favourite scrapbooks, I didn’t manage to pull it off for 2014.  I think the biggest hurdle was the fact I wasn’t printing the pages as I went.  I had a lot of great things happen in 2014 but without the effort of scrapbooking them regularly I lost motivation and focus on this.  As October came I found that it was a huge struggle to remember to take the photos and I was feeling the fatigue of trying to come up with new things to take pictures of.  I love how much I have learned from even attempting this challenge though.  It has taught me to find beauty and gratitude in even the smallest parts of my life.  It has also helped me to capture moments that I might never have before.  Although I didn’t complete this challenge I do plan on continuing to take lots of pictures and continue to try and capture all the little and big moments that happen in my life.  The pictures help to keep the memories and moments alive.  I love looking back on all the moments I have captured so even if I failed this resolution I still feel like I found at least some success in it.

5) Read 50 Books
I came close to completing this goal but again fell shy this year.  I managed to read 42 books this year which is 14 more than I read in 2013.  I can’t feel bad about that.  I read some pretty great books this year, rediscovered an old favourite author (R L Stine) and even discovered a new favourite author (John Green).  All things considering I think that it was a pretty great year for reading in my world.  The coolest part of this resolution was the fact that all the reading helped rekindle my love of fiction and desire to create stories. 

Of the 42 books that I read this year there are a couple that stand out as being favourites.  They are all different and became favourites for different reasons but for those of you who are curious here are my top picks in no particular order:

                The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

                As You Wish by Cary Elwes

                The Nerdist Way: How to Reach the Next Level (in Real Life) by Chris Hardwick

                Ashfall by Mike Mullin

                Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

 

6) Nanowrimo challenge Complete a Draft of Conor’s Story

Like my blog writing this challenge was not completed.  I did spend a good deal of time both researching and working on this story but I’m starting to realize the challenge that comes with wanting to write historical fiction.  I love the story that I’m trying to create but there is a lot of stuff that I really had no clue about that I need to know in order to help make it believable.  Who knew I didn’t know much about being an orphan boy going off to war ;-)  I have made a good deal of progress on this story though so I’m still happy with how this resolution came along.  I will continue to plod away to try and bring the story that is running through my imagination out into a form that everyone can enjoy.

 

After 2014 and learning just how important having goals really is for me I would be remiss if I didn’t set out some new resolutions for 2015.  I have been thinking a lot about it the last few weeks because I want to know when I look back at the end of the year that I am able to be successful.  The perfectionist in me wants to set a goal and be able to check it off a list but one of the other things I learned this year is that it is okay not to reach a goal as long as you keep pushing for it and can walk away after and say that I have done my best.  So with all of that in mind I have tried to pick resolutions that will challenge me to push myself but will also hopefully allow me to find an even greater sense of success at the end of 2015.  It will not be surprising to see that my overall goals haven’t changed but I have added a few layers to the goals that will hopefully help me build to the big overall resolutions.  So here they are my resolutions for 2015.

 

1) Move More, Lose More

                Mini Goals: Run a 5K, Repeat the Terry Fox Run with a quicker time
2) Set aside dedicated time for writing once a week
                Mini Goals: Regular blog posts, continuing work on Conor‘s story, tackling Nanowrimo
3) Read 50 Books
4) Eat Cleaner and Less Processed Foods
                Mini Goals: Eating out no more than once a week, creating weekly meal plans, batch cooking on weekends

Once again I find myself excited as I look towards next year.  I am finally learning to feel comfortable in my skin and I expect next year will continue to see me grow and learn how to get the most out of my life.  I look forward to celebrating as I complete at least two more 5Ks and look forward to doing some real travelling because it has been far too long since I took a major trip.  This year was amazing and I only expect that it will continue to get better.

So as we all get prepared to celebrate the end of the year I want to wish everyone a very Happy New Year.  I hope that 2014 was good to you and that 2015 will help you all get a little closer to your dreams.