Finding My Running Legs – Introduction

Planning to run my first 5K has been an incredibly eye opening experience for me.  It has taken up way more of my time then I expected which is one of the reasons my poor blog has gone ignored all summer.  I have found it to be challenging but in the best ways.  I am incredibly proud of myself for tackling this goal.  Nothing has ever made me feel better about myself.  My journey to try and become a runner is still far from being over but with the Terry Fox Run only two weeks away I figured it was a good time to focus a little on the things I have learned so far.

It has been a long time since I have been this excited about something, which is great but has caused me a few problems especially when it comes to being able to share it with people.  I mean I can talk for hours about it but all that excitement has made it a little tricky for me to actually be able to get blog posts written that are coherent and I’m happy with.  A lot of it is coming down to the fact that I have a lot to say, which is not unusual for me but doesn’t create the most organized of post for my blog.  My solution is to just write a bunch of small focused posts that I will post each day between now and the run.  So for the next 14 days I will share a new lesson that I have learned on this path to find my running legs.

With far too much doodling on scrap paper I have found a way to break up all the things I want to share into four categories to try and give it some semblance for order.  These four categories are goals, my body, my mind/spirit and the outcomes.  I suspect even as I write this intro and do some of the planning for the blog entries themselves that they will also probably overlap at least in some of the cases.  It is my hope that some of it may appeal or help others but mostly I just want to write it all down so I remember it and can get it out of my brain.  I also hope that maybe having something to focus on besides the run will help keep some of my nerves at bay as we get closer to the run.

I hope that all who read this series of posts can find something that inspires and teaches as much as running has taught me.  We should all be so lucky to have something to bring so much positivity and joy into our lives.

To donate and check out my progress please visit my page here.

For more information on the Terry Fox Foundation and the run check out their page here.

A Personal Weight Loss Milestone

Today was an emotional and exciting day for me.  I achieved a personal goal that has been a long time in coming.  In August 2011 I lost one of my best friends, Will, and although I couldn’t see it at the time the year that followed was incredibly hard for me.  I continued to go to my Weight Watchers meetings but my heart and soul wasn’t in it and slowly over the year that followed I began to put on weight.  In May 2012 I went to a memorial for Will in Iowa and during the long drive there and back (5000km roundtrip) I spent a lot of time thinking.  By the time I got back home I had made the decision to change my life and get back on track.  Well it has taken me two years to finally be able to write this blog entry but as of today I am officially back below the weight I was when Will died.  It has been a long journey but I have never felt prouder of myself than I did this morning.

 

It hasn’t been the easiest of journeys for me.  In fact I have never really struggled to lose weight when I’m working out and following plan but it has been different in the last couple of months.  I have been getting close to this milestone since Christmas.  I was able to get within about 2 pounds of it but then would have a set back and I would gain a few pounds.  It went back and forth like this until I went on a small trip to Kingsfold with a friend.  It is a retreat center where you can go and disconnect from things like electronics and focus on yourself.  The second night I was there I went for a walk and found a quiet bench to sit on.  I felt like Will was with me, which is something I hadn’t felt since he died, and in that moment I realized something.  I wasn’t hitting my weight loss goal because part of me wasn’t really ready to let go of it.  I gained that weight as a way to deal with my grief and letting it go was like really letting go of my best friend and saying good-bye.  As soon as I realized that, something clicked in my brain and I knew it was silly.  Since then minus a couple of small gains my weight has been slowly going down again including today where I hit the goal.

 

At my Weight Watchers meeting today, my leader asked how it felt to finally reach this goal and I got choked up because it was a huge weight off my shoulders.  Letting go of the weight is also letting go of any grief that might still be sticking around.  I will always miss Will.  My life was forever changed because I had him in it.  He taught me so much about myself.  He showed me that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am not for the person I think people want me to be.  I know now though that moving on with my life is not letting him go but it is finding a way to honour him by reaching for all my goals because he was always my biggest cheerleader and that’s what I think he would have wanted for me.

 

Reaching this milestone is just one of the many that I have to mark this journey I’m on but it feels huge.  I still have a long way to go but finally I feel like I’m back on the track I was before my world derailed.  I know that there will still be bumps and curves in the track but I have also learned that I can handle it.  I am learning to trust my instincts, my body and my mind and as long as I keep listening I know they will guide me where I need to go.  I also know that as long as I’m working towards the things that matter most to me, Will would be cheering me on.  He only ever wanted me to be the best that I can be and I am finally doing it.

 

I used this quote in a blog I wrote about Will, I think it came from a card but I wanted to share it because it rings true to me today more than ever, “When a good bye is so unexpected and sudden, when the pain seems unbearable and the loss impossible it is the wise heart that knows that sometimes it has to look back and remember in order to look forward and hope.”

 

Related Blog Entries:

Remembering Will

I'm Back

My Christmas Wish

I have to admit I struggle with Christmas each year.  I love the idea of the holiday but Christmas and I just don’t tend to get along.  I tend to find that if something bad is going to happen to me it seems to happen around Christmas (or maybe I’m just more sensitive to the things that happen at this time of year).  I always go into the season with the hope and expectation that things will be amazing & wonderful.  Sadly, I usually find myself disappointed.  I don’t think I’m alone in this - I think lots of people build up Christmas and are disappointed when it doesn’t go as planned.  I also think that I can’t possibly be the only one that suffers with wanting feel more Christmassy (I mean there is even that song “Where are You Christmas” by Faith Hill).  I have to double my efforts to try keeping a positive attitude during this time of year but -- my family can attest to this -- my best efforts aren’t always successful.  This year it feels even tougher for me.  I am finding that my mood is not very Christmassy and I decided to try and do something about it this year. 

When I started to try and figure out when my mood shifted and began to drop, I realized that it was as soon as I was done organizing, wrapping and dropping off the gifts that I had arranged for the Christmas family I adopted.  Adopting a Christmas family has been a tradition that we have done at work as long as I have been there (7 years for those who are wondering).  It is something I have always loved helping with and was excited to be able to take the lead on last year.  This year I wasn’t sure how it would work because my workplace is still displaced from the floods in June so the traditional fundraising we would do was not as practical or easy to arrange.  Logistically this meant I was fighting an uphill battle to get the funds I needed to give a special family an amazing gift.  The Christmas family gave me a purpose for the month of November.  I was on the hunt for the perfect gifts for the family.  I’m not normally a shopper but when I hit the malls for my Christmas family I feel like I’m on top of the world.  Once it was done though I felt my usual wave of disappointment because I had lost that sense of purpose.  I feel this year that sense of disappointment seemed stronger but I think that is just because it was such a surprising year.  I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be the most successful of gift drives (and had even set aside a large chunk of my own Christmas budget to go towards the family) but I was blown away by the generosity of my friends and co-workers.  I honestly think that this was the most successful year.  It has left me just wanting to do more.

This desire to do more led me to the idea for my Christmas wish which is for a happier, kinder, more generous world.  Now sadly I don’t have a magic wand or a fairy godmother to actually make this wish happen for the world but I can make this happen for a few random people that happen to cross my path between now and Christmas.  I will do my best to try and make a small difference in the world directly around me.  I don’t have a true plan yet but I know that the more good deeds I can do the better I will feel.  Now please don’t get me wrong I try to do good things year round because I have always felt a strong drive to try and make a difference for people but at this time of year I actually crave the mood boost that comes with those good deeds more.

More than that though, my wish is for anyone who is reading this blog (I know it’s not a huge list of people) to also go out and try the same thing.  Ask your own friends to join in this mission.  I would love to see everyone go out and do something unexpected and wonderful for someone else.  Shovel a walk for a neighbour, hold open a door for someone, volunteer somewhere, buy a coffee for the person in line behind you – just go out and do something positive and nice for someone be they family, friend, neighbour or stranger.  This time of year as we rush around and get stressed out you would be amazed at how great you will feel knowing you made someone else smile (and I promise that even if you don’t see it, you will make the recipient smile – for all the good deeds I have done I have also been blessed enough to experience some of it in return).  I would love to read about your own experiences in the comments section at the end of this post.  Share your own stories, help give me ideas for more I can do and let’s show the world that there are people who are willing to do nice things for other people just because they can.  Let’s find a way to bring a little more peace, goodwill and holiday cheer to our world (even if it is just the small part we as individuals take up on this planet).  I promise if you are suffering from lack of that Christmassy feeling that after you do even just one good deed you will start to feel it.

Join with me for the next ten days and try to do something good for someone.  Let’s show the world how generous we can really be by putting our best foot forward.  We can create a happier, kinder and more generous world one good deed at a time.

Sometimes the Stars Line Up

The older I get the more I am really starting to believe things happen for a reason.  Some people would argue that it is just coincidences or that we see reason behind the things we want to see reason behind but today once again I was confronted the idea that sometimes things are just meant to be.  We may not always get it or understand what is going on but sometimes we are just in the right spot at the right time.

It was announced today that Alberta Health Services is withdrawing the lease on the Holy Cross Center which sadly means that I will be changing work locations.  We don’t have any details or know where we are going but I will admit it stresses me out a little bit.  I have struggled the past few months with the longer commute time and the fear that now it will be permanent or god forbid it might even be longer depending on where we move.  This has me questioning everything from what I value to what I’m willing to sacrifice for a paycheck.  The reality is questioning my job and my role there is not something new – this has just added a new level to the questions.  It is just another thing on the con side of the list.

The good news in all of this is that instead of being at work and dealing with the drama that is no doubt unfolding there I am still on holidays.  Being at Rosebud right now is probably the very best thing for me.  I don’t have to listen to all the rumours or deal with other people who have the same questions I do.  Not only that but as the only guest in the Inn tonight I have a quiet place to relax, unwind and begin the process of sorting everything out.  If I was at home not only would I be dealing with all the rumours and craziness but I also have my parents visiting so time on my own would not be as easily found.  No matter what goes on in my life being on my own has always been the only way I can actually sort through and deal with anything that causes me stress.  Being alone allows me the freedom to let my brain just run without having to filter the emotions that come with it.  There is nothing worse than trying to sort stuff out with a bunch of people asking you if you are okay when you have that far away distant look on your face.  So being away is a blessing in disguise.  This trip has been planned for probably 6 months or more but it certainly couldn’t have happened at a better time.

The other thing that sort of hit me as being random and maybe meant to be about the timing of the announcement is that last night I found myself questioning things.  I was sitting watching a gorgeous sunset at Horsethief Canyon.  This canyon is amazing and beautiful.  It made me feel small and yet connected to our world.  I was the only person there and with nothing to do but watch the sun slowly sink over the horizon my brain was free to wander.  I don’t necessarily know what my thoughts are on god and religion but I was asking questions of myself and/or someone that may have been listening.  The main question I was asking is if it was time for me to move on at work?  I don’t have an answer to this question but it is funny that things that could help sway my choice happened the next day.  Sure you can argue coincidence but again more and more I think sometimes things are just meant to be.  Of course reading it as a sign is probably a bit of stretch for where my brain is at right now but it is funny how things happen.

Of course now the question is what do I make of everything that is happening?  Thankfully I guess I’m still very logical when it comes to working things out and that means that although the day is coming when I’m going to have to decide once and for all if I want to continue to work where I am or if I’m going to try and find something new, I am not going to have to make that decision right away.  I do think that it means it is time to really consider what I want, what I’m looking for and what would really make me happy.  It is probably also time to pull out my resume and make sure that it is actually up to date.

The world is full of questions and I guess I have found a few more to add to my list.  So for tonight I guess it was enough to just write about it and get it off my chest and out in the world.  Now I shall sit back and enjoy the quiet of the sleepy little town of Rosebud.  I will listen to the crickets and continue work on my novel banishing all the heavy thoughts until I return back to Calgary and am forced to deal with them head on.

When Desire & Action are in Conflict

I often feel the urge to write, to spill my guts into either a blog entry or my journal. Writing is a great way for me to work through whatever is going on in my brain. It stops the spinning and slows things down so I can figure out what is really going on. So the other night when I found myself up most of the night I realized that there was something trying to get out. I tried to journal the thoughts first but that wasn’t enough. Next I started to write a blog entry on my phone but that didn’t seem to work either. So I tossed and turned with the thoughts racing and just kept hoping for sleep. Eventually I did get some, although not much.

Friday night after work (still very much sleep deprived) I was determined to put my thoughts into something that made sense so that I could stop the spinning and maybe be able to share them with everyone. I wrote and wrote but quickly found that I wasn’t going anywhere. The thoughts were still spinning and the questions kept popping up. I was getting nowhere fast. The only thing that I was accomplishing was to drive myself crazy and to further frustrate my brain. Giving up I closed the blog entry and turned my attention to other things but have kept the feeling of needing to write something all weekend. Sadly however the thoughts have been in conflict with my typing fingers.

Sunday mornings a few of my friends and me often get together at a Starbucks to work on writing. It is during these meeting of creative minds that I often find a little clarity on my own struggles with writing. I consider each member of the little group to be amazing writers and incredibly brilliant. Whether they realize it or not they encourage me to push myself, to learn and to grow as a writer and a thinker. Today was no different. We got on to the topic of my unwritten blog entry and as I explained what was going on and listened to them respond I began to realize something. A big part of my problem on Friday was that while I knew the topic that I wanted to write about I was getting paralyzed by doubt, guilt and even a little fear that surrounds that topic for me. These feelings do not mesh all that well with a spinning brain and desire to write so it is no wonder I was struggling so much with what I wanted to say. I was so busy worrying about how people would react to my topic that I couldn’t write it which in turn means no one can react to it anyway (It’s a rather safe little bubble that I suppose I could choose to stay in but that probably wouldn’t help solve anything).

Along time ago I gave up caring what people think about me, say about me or even believe about me. It was a choice I made to help become happier and more confident in the gifts that I have to offer. It is something that hasn’t always been easy but it does help so that I worry much less about things I can’t control. I have also brought this attitude with me as I do any writing. I have never cared if someone was going to read my blog or enjoy my fiction. I write because I want to write. I feel like it is something I need to do. It is one of the few things I do just for me because it makes me feel good. So the question became why did it become so hard to write this specific entry (which for those of you who are wondering has to do with spirituality, ghosts, paranormal and my beliefs surrounding these things)?

What I realized today is that now that I know people (both friends and family) are actually reading my blog it is a little more daunting to talk about something that I have talked about so little with anyone. It is a topic that is incredibly personal and one that I always worry people will think I’m nuts if I share too much. It is so much easier to write something personal if you are busy thinking no one is going to read your words anyway. It is so much easier to pour your soul into something if it is anonymous. Putting things down in writing makes them real and putting it online means the world can see it. Good or bad it will be out in the world for all to judge and form opinions on.

Anyway long story short I have a new focus and determination to actually explore and write about the things that are going on in my brain. I have always wanted my blog to be straightforward and completely true to who I am and I shall continue to strive for that. The blog is about my journey in life and currently spirituality and the questioning of it, is what is important and going on. This is a part of me and as worried as I am about the reaction I know the people that love and support me will love and support me regardless of what I say. I hope everyone will keep an open mind and understand that these are just my thoughts and feelings. They are what they are whether you like them or not.

I hope that anyone that is reading this blog will continue to read along, indulge me in my ponderings and enjoy the ride as I keep wandering along this journey called life.