When Desire & Action are in Conflict

I often feel the urge to write, to spill my guts into either a blog entry or my journal. Writing is a great way for me to work through whatever is going on in my brain. It stops the spinning and slows things down so I can figure out what is really going on. So the other night when I found myself up most of the night I realized that there was something trying to get out. I tried to journal the thoughts first but that wasn’t enough. Next I started to write a blog entry on my phone but that didn’t seem to work either. So I tossed and turned with the thoughts racing and just kept hoping for sleep. Eventually I did get some, although not much.

Friday night after work (still very much sleep deprived) I was determined to put my thoughts into something that made sense so that I could stop the spinning and maybe be able to share them with everyone. I wrote and wrote but quickly found that I wasn’t going anywhere. The thoughts were still spinning and the questions kept popping up. I was getting nowhere fast. The only thing that I was accomplishing was to drive myself crazy and to further frustrate my brain. Giving up I closed the blog entry and turned my attention to other things but have kept the feeling of needing to write something all weekend. Sadly however the thoughts have been in conflict with my typing fingers.

Sunday mornings a few of my friends and me often get together at a Starbucks to work on writing. It is during these meeting of creative minds that I often find a little clarity on my own struggles with writing. I consider each member of the little group to be amazing writers and incredibly brilliant. Whether they realize it or not they encourage me to push myself, to learn and to grow as a writer and a thinker. Today was no different. We got on to the topic of my unwritten blog entry and as I explained what was going on and listened to them respond I began to realize something. A big part of my problem on Friday was that while I knew the topic that I wanted to write about I was getting paralyzed by doubt, guilt and even a little fear that surrounds that topic for me. These feelings do not mesh all that well with a spinning brain and desire to write so it is no wonder I was struggling so much with what I wanted to say. I was so busy worrying about how people would react to my topic that I couldn’t write it which in turn means no one can react to it anyway (It’s a rather safe little bubble that I suppose I could choose to stay in but that probably wouldn’t help solve anything).

Along time ago I gave up caring what people think about me, say about me or even believe about me. It was a choice I made to help become happier and more confident in the gifts that I have to offer. It is something that hasn’t always been easy but it does help so that I worry much less about things I can’t control. I have also brought this attitude with me as I do any writing. I have never cared if someone was going to read my blog or enjoy my fiction. I write because I want to write. I feel like it is something I need to do. It is one of the few things I do just for me because it makes me feel good. So the question became why did it become so hard to write this specific entry (which for those of you who are wondering has to do with spirituality, ghosts, paranormal and my beliefs surrounding these things)?

What I realized today is that now that I know people (both friends and family) are actually reading my blog it is a little more daunting to talk about something that I have talked about so little with anyone. It is a topic that is incredibly personal and one that I always worry people will think I’m nuts if I share too much. It is so much easier to write something personal if you are busy thinking no one is going to read your words anyway. It is so much easier to pour your soul into something if it is anonymous. Putting things down in writing makes them real and putting it online means the world can see it. Good or bad it will be out in the world for all to judge and form opinions on.

Anyway long story short I have a new focus and determination to actually explore and write about the things that are going on in my brain. I have always wanted my blog to be straightforward and completely true to who I am and I shall continue to strive for that. The blog is about my journey in life and currently spirituality and the questioning of it, is what is important and going on. This is a part of me and as worried as I am about the reaction I know the people that love and support me will love and support me regardless of what I say. I hope everyone will keep an open mind and understand that these are just my thoughts and feelings. They are what they are whether you like them or not.

I hope that anyone that is reading this blog will continue to read along, indulge me in my ponderings and enjoy the ride as I keep wandering along this journey called life.