Try Try Try

I’m currently vibrating with energy.  It happens whenever I accomplish something that I didn’t think was possible.   My trainer has been slowly introducing me to different exercises on a ball.  This has been a challenge in general because I had to get over my fear that the ball wouldn’t actually hold my weight even when the specs said that it would.  Now that I trust that the ball will my lovely trainer has been pushing the boundaries a little bit more.

harder than it looks especially if you are laughing

I love that I can goof around with my trainer.  She has been a great match

Another YMCA staff who has become a friend :-)

This exercise was both mentally and physically challenging.  She had me roll down from sitting into the bridge and then roll back up to sit again.  I was pretty sure there was no way it was going to happen.  I was giggling out of sheer nervousness.  I had to put a lot of trust in my trainer because she told me that I could do it.  Although my brain was screaming there was no way I tried it anyway.  The first one was horrible.  I rolled down laughing and shaking but when it came to trying to roll back up fear kicked in as my head and shoulders left the ball and were floating in air.  I was pretty sure I was going to fall backwards and crack my skull open.  But very ungracefully and with the help of my trainer I got back up and tried again.  The second time it was much easier because my body knew that my legs would hold me when I was in the bridge.  I still struggled a bit to roll back up into sitting but did it the second time.  Then the third and fourth were almost easy because I knew I could do it and because I wanted photos.  It’s not every day you can document a truly important moment.  I experience a lot of them at the gym but usually don’t get pictures of it.

There is no proof more powerful of the progress I’m making than when I can do something that my brain says I can’t.  When I first decided to live my year with no fear in 2014 this was what I was looking for.  I was looking for those moments where I was worried, scared, nervous or just plain convinced I couldn’t do something so that I could push through them.  Logically I knew that this was the best way to grow and learn but it wasn’t then and still isn’t an easy mantra to live by but it is one that gets me the best results.  Pushing through the things that scare me has helped me to grow my confidence in more ways than I probably even realize.  It has helped me to learn more and more about my body and what it is capable of.  It has helped to change my world.

When I remember tonight later on what I want to remember is the following:

1. Sometimes you just have to trust the people you have hired to help you

2. Your mind is a powerful tool and it needs to be on your side

3. Laughter makes everything better…well it does make holding the bridge harder but if I wasn’t laughing I probably never would have done it :-)

4. I am able to do anything if I can just learn to trust myself and be okay if I can’t do it perfect.

5. Most important always just try because you might just surprise yourself.

I’m so proud every day of the work I have been doing.  I love how my body is changing.  I also love how my mind is changing.  I feel like I’m truly growing into the woman I was meant to be.

 

Right before joining the gym and now.  Not a perfect comparison but it is pretty apparent my body is changing

A Pep Talk to Myself

This entry started as I finished my 5K run this morning.  I wasn’t going to actually write and post it but as the day has gone by I realized that everyone needs to give themselves a pep talk now and then.  What surprised me though was the timing of my need for a pep talk but upon reflection it makes sense and even taught me a lesson.

This week was an amazing and surreal week.  Everyone wants to celebrate with me and the fact that I accomplished my 5k run last week.  People are praising me and excited for me.  It’s a lot of attention for someone who has spent most of her life trying to go by unnoticed.  I have been surrounded by so much positive energy it has been beyond words.  Added to all of this the fact that I went clothes shopping and all the shirts I bought were 1 size smaller than the last time.  It left me feeling pretty excited and proud of myself. 

I discovered the flip side to all this good energy and excitement.  After a week of hearing how good I am and how proud people are of me I would be lying if I said it didn’t start to go to my head a little and had me feeling a wee bit over confident.  I was pretty sure that today I was going to do my 5k run in under an hour and I expected it to be easy.  I mean after the challenge of the Canmore course how hard could the fairly flat pavement of my local park be?  I put on one of my new shirts and laced up my runners and headed out.  I started strong but by the second and third kilometers the usual doubts and struggles crept in.  My calves began to burn, my back felt tight and my breathing was a challenge.  I have come to learn that this is pretty normal for me and generally I can get through it and keep going.

Today it got to me though.  I quickly got lost in my head.   I found myself doubting all my progress and all the work I have done.  I was wondering why it was still so hard and thought about just cutting the run short.  I was able to talk myself out of quitting though.  I told myself that as long as I kept moving and could do the 5k I was still on the right track.  By the last kilometer I gave up on even trying to run and just walked.  I was mad at myself for giving up and not pushing harder and as the 1 hour marked past I was even more frustrated because today was supposed to be the day I was going to post that I succeeded in my goal to get it under an hour.  I started to feel sorry for myself.  The crazy thing in all of this is that I still finished the 5k in a decent amount of time (1h 6m 42s – which is still my second fastest time).

When I got to the car and plugged my iPod into my car the Miley Cyrus song The Climb came on.  Sometimes I think my iPod just knows what I need to hear.  It is one of my favourite songs on my workout playlist (don’t judge and even if you do I don’t care…hehehe).  Coupled with the run and the frustration I was feeling it made me realize something.  The reality of this journey is that running, working out and even eating properly are probably always going to be a challenge for me.  It is easier for me to choose to be lazy and to eat junk then it is to really choose to live a healthy life.  It is that challenge though that makes things like last week’s race so special.

The harder it is, the more you really have to want it.  The more you want it the more you push to get it.  There have been very few things in my life that I have ever wanted as much as I want to be healthy and fit.  I want it to so much that I see myself as already there.  I forget sometimes that although my heart and soul say I’m an athlete, my body still hasn’t caught up yet.  That doesn’t mean that it won’t, it just means that I have to keep working at it.  Each day I make the right choices, each day I lace up my runners at the gym and each day I run or walk any distance are all days that are bringing me closer to the athlete that lives in my soul.

There will be a day in the not too far off future where I will actively seek to make my runs harder and where I will be able to run like all the people that seem to do it with ease that I envy.  I suspect (okay I know) that even when I’m at that point, I will still have days like today where things just don’t click, days where I end up feeling sorry for myself and frustrated with my progress.  I will try to remember though that it will pass.  I will reach the next goal and set a new one.  I will celebrate and stall out.  It doesn’t matter how easy or hard it is or what gets in the way (including my own brain) as long as I just keep tying up my shoes, putting one foot in front of the other and going for it. 

“There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there

Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side

It’s the climb” – Miley Cyrus – The Climb

Ready or Not…

It seems like ages ago that I got up on January 1^st and registered myself for my next 5K run.  I decided it would be the first thing I was going to do in 2015 as a symbol of how I planned to spend this year – being active.  Well 5 months later I’m only a few days out from running my second race ever.  Tonight I have been thinking about the last 5 months and know that there is nothing else I can do now to change the outcome of Sunday’s race.  Ready or not this race will be run. 

I have to say that I feel a lot more confident going into this race than I was going into the Terry Fox, last September.  I have been incredibly blessed with a trainer who has been super willing to find answers for me when she isn’t sure of the best way to train me.  (I mean it’s not every day someone my size says hey I want to run, how do we get me there…thank god for her patience.)  When I started telling her about my struggles with running and my desire to have a training plan she found answers and came up with a plan.  The day she presented it to me I looked at her like she was nuts.  She proposed a plan in which I would run at a snail’s pace for 30 seconds and then walk for 30 seconds and repeat.  As the weeks would go by I would increase my running time.  To say I had major doubts is probably an understatement.  I left telling her I was doubtful it would work but that I would at least try it. This was and so far is the only time I have ever really second guessed my trainer.  I didn’t think it was possible to do such short intervals and be able to keep my breath and not want to die.  I’m glad to say I was proven wrong and I have never been happier to eat a little crow and tell her I was wrong.

The last couple of months have been following her plan and working my way up not only to longer run intervals on the treadmill but also to running longer distances every Sunday when I hit local parks to run set distances outside.  The results have blown me away.  I went from hardly being able to do intervals outside on my first couple Sunday’s to now running almost all of them.  Outside I’m still doing 30 seconds on and 30 off but the consistency is night and day to what it was.  In the gym on the treadmill I have been able to increase my interval time to 45seconds on and 30 seconds walking which means I’m officially running more than I walk.  This thrills me in so many ways.

Having spent the last few months working so hard on training I feel super excited to see what Sunday will bring.  When I signed up on Jan 1^st my original goal was that I would run the 5K in under an hour.  When my trainer gave me my new training plan I decided to change that goal because running at a slower pace I didn’t actually expect that it would be possible plus I had major doubts with the terrain of the run.  So I changed my goal to just run more than I walk since the last race I did I walked way more than I ran. 

Now at the end of the training I once again am looking at my goals.  On Sunday I ran my fastest 5K yet.  I finished the training run in 1 hour 3mins and 19 seconds.  I was so close to being under 1 hour that it is all I have been thinking about since Sunday.  I’m trying to keep things realistic and know that my run is taking place in a location that will have hills, which I have done some training on but it’s not my strongest strength but there is a part of me that can’t help but hope I can pull off this run in less than an hour.  That being said I figured it was worth sharing my goals.  So here is what I hope to accomplish on Sunday.

1. To consistently run my intervals as much as possible.  I may not be able to do the whole 5K alternating 30 on and 30 off but it is my plan to run as many of them as possible even if I’m only just barely jogging.  The struggle will be in the 2^nd and 3^rd kilometers.  These are typically the kms where my brain likes to try and get in my way.

2. To beat my Terry Fox run time.  I finished my first 5k in 1 hour and 16 minutes.  I will consider this race a success even if I do it in 1 hour and 15 minutes.  There is some fear that with the hills I will actually have a longer time and if that happens I will be a little crushed but if I have done the first goal I will still be happy and proud of all that I have done.

3. My third goal is not so much a goal as a dream.  I would really like to finish my 5K in under an hour.  If I had run all my intervals last Sunday I would have finished in under an hour of that I’m fairly confident.  I’m counting on the fact that I will have my trainer with me (because she is awesome and signed up to support me) and the adrenaline of the race to help push so that hopefully I can push through the hard spots and kick some ass.  If I don’t accomplish this 3^rd goal I will still be over the moon excited with my results but this would be the icing on a pretty fabulous cake if I can do it.  I might even have to reward myself with a piece of cake if I do this ;-)

Whatever happens on Sunday I know that I have given my all so that I am as prepared as I can be.  I have worked hard and consistently for more than a year and have been specifically training for this race for months now.  Since completing the Terry Fox I have gotten stronger, more confident and gained more skills to help me on this journey.  I am also carrying 25 less pounds than I did the last time which helps.  I am so proud of myself.  I keep reminding myself that no matter what happens on Sunday I will still leave that race a winner.  

One of the photos from a 6 month photo session to help document my journey

One of the photos from a 6 month photo session to help document my journey

Photos taken by HelloLuv Photography

A Milestone Anniversary

Saturday marked the one year anniversary of my very first workout after joining the YMCA.  At the time I had a joint membership that allowed me to workout at work and at any of the Y locations.  On April 4, 2014 I entered the gym at work at 6am and I was ready to commit.  I made a promise to myself that I was going to make a permanent, lifelong commitment to living a more active life.  This was a continuation of a promise I made myself when I invested in my Fitbit, which was to just move more.  This was my next step.  In the 52 weeks that have passed since that first morning I’m proud to say that I have been able to keep that promise to myself.  In fact I have only missed a small handful of workouts in the last year.  My goal when I started was to get to the gym 5 or 6 times a week.  I haven’t always gone to the gym to get my activity in to achieve that goal but I have managed to find ways to workout even when I didn’t have access to the gym.  I have found ways to workout on holidays, when I was sick and a lot of the time when I was just plain tired.  Working out over the last year has also taught me a great deal about myself and my body.  This entry is a look back at where I was and how far I have come.  It is also a celebration of all that has changed in the last year.  I am incredibly proud of every moment of this journey (which shockingly looking at this blog is in its fifth year) but this last year has been extra special because I finally feel like I’m making progress and am on the right track.  The pieces are falling into place.

Then and Now:

One of the biggest factors for me in finally finding some success on this journey comes from the various forms of tracking I do now.  I have talked about how valuable tracking is before but for me it truly has meant the difference between just saying I’m going to lose weight and actually losing it.  I never realized how motivated I was by numbers and tracking things until I started doing it.  Being able to look back to a starting point has really helped me through a lot of hard days.  I track in various forms including a spreadsheet with my weight and measurements, a workout journal and of course pictures.  Each offers me the opportunity to appreciate different aspects of this journey by comparing then and now.  Here are a few of those comparisons.

My first gym selfie and the most recent.  My face has been where I have seen the most change.  I have a photo on my phone so that every time I unlock it to do anything I'm reminded how far I have come.

When it comes to my workout journal it has evolved over time as well.  The notes I have about my first workout are limited because I didn’t realize just how much I would actually want to track as I got better and stronger.  The most recent entries have much more detail around what I am actually doing day to day in the gym. 

My first work out was 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I did 5 minutes warming up and cooling down with 20 minutes on a speed of 2.0 miles per hour.  The comments were “Felt sluggish, tired and back feeling really tight.”  I know that I was really proud to be back at it and excited to have the goal of running a 5K but I was also disappointed because it was a realization of how much slower I was now than when I used to use a treadmill that I had at home.  It was an eye opening day.

Saturday’s workout was a lot different and I think a good highlight of the changes I have made.  Normally Saturday’s would be done with my trainer but she was off for the long weekend so it was a solo workout.  This turned out to be very cathartic for me because I started this journey on my own and doing my one year workout on my own really showed how much things have changed.  I felt empowered to know that I could push myself hard even without my trainer there and reminded me of the determination I had when I started a year ago.  I am still determined to change my life and I’m not afraid to do the work it’s going to take.  Saturday’s workout started with 5 minutes on the curve treadmill to warmup.  This was followed by circuits of modified burpees, squat & press with a 12 pound medicine ball, medicine ball smashes, reverse lunges and medicine ball side tosses.  I repeated these exercises 4 times.  When that was done it was time to hop on the treadmill for 30 minutes to help me get my step count up (this is totally a curse of my fitbit…I can’t not work to earn my steps each day).  Like my first work out I included a 5 minute warmup and cool down on the treadmill but this time the main 20 minutes were done on a speed of 2.8.  I ended my day at the gym with 15 minutes of cooling down and stretching.  With the two different parts of my workout (cardio session and treadmill) my comments were “tired and my legs are a little shakey but well worked.  Feeling strong and proud” about the training and “treadmill felt good although legs are definitely tired now.  All and in all a great day at the gym” about the treadmill and the whole workout.  I left the gym as I always do these days with a smile on my face and feeling like I can take on the world.

I think the biggest things these two workouts demonstrate to me are the fact that I am not only faster but stronger as well.  I also realize how much more I do during my workouts.  When I first started the only thing I would ever do was the treadmill and now I can’t imagine just sticking to it.  Adding strength training and stretching into my routine has made a huge difference in how my body feels.  If nothing else it has also helped keep me from getting bored at the gym.  I look forward to going each day to see what else I can learn and do.

The last comparison I want to share will probably not be that surprising when you consider the fact that my workouts have gotten longer and that is the difference I see on my daily step counts.  My average step total during this week in 2014 was 7,871 steps and last week it was 10,988.  My best day the same week in 2014 was 11,206 steps and my best day last week was 13,714.  I continue to work towards moving more every day and it is very rewarding to see that I am actually doing it and not just saying it.  The activity has sort of snuck up on me.  What was once a chore to get up and move more now just seems to happen without too much of a struggle.  It has very much become a habit in my life.

Changes in the Last Year:

I have said this to many people and think I have written it in my blog as well (although it may have been on entries that weren’t posted) but when I think back to the person I was before I joined the gym I feel like that version of me is a fundamentally different version then who I am now.  The way I view the world and interact with it is changing, as is my body.  It is hard to pinpoint all the things that have changed (because most of it has been a working progress for awhile) but these are a few of the ones that are easy for me to lock down as being distinctively different from a year ago.

The biggest changes have come in the terms of how I think about a lot of different aspects in my life.  I have learned just how much important it is to get your brain on board with the whole weight loss journey.  When I started last April at least once a week I was having to battle the negative voice inside my head that would say this journey is too hard, too long or it’s not possible to do the things I wanted.  It was much easier for me to feel discouraged and frustrated which often led to me not giving it my all in the gym.   I would love to say that now a year later I don’t battle that same voice but it does still sneak up but it is far less often, probably only about once a month now.  The biggest change though is that I am able to recognize that voice and the reactions that I have to it.  This has allowed me to find ways to control the impact it has.  Now when I have a bad day or workout I take some time to try and look at it objectively (usually through writing) to see if I can figure out what is going on, what I need to change or if I just need to tell the voice to shut up because it’s crazy.  This has helped me to stay more positive about everything and I feel like it has greatly helped with my overall contentment in life.  It is still very much a working progress but definitely I can see and feel the changes that this has brought to my life. I am a lot happier and smiling a lot more.

Another one of the changes that has happened that actually sort of snuck up on me was a growing desire to be healthy.  The more active I am the more active I want to be.  Also the more active I am the more I want to eat better.  Before joining the gym I would have said no to going to get a coffee or going for lunch because it was “too far” away.  The scary thing with that is that too far away was probably no more than a block or two but I just wasn’t motivated to walk it.  Now I look forward to getting out and try to go for walks during at least some of my lunch hours each week.  The other thing that is cool is that I don’t have to worry about saying no to friends because I think that I might not be able to keep up or worry about how tired my legs are going to feel.  I’m still not as fast as some of my friends but I can keep up and enjoy spending time being active with them.  I love moving now.  It’s funny because before I could spend hours at my desk not moving and now if I sit too long I actually get really antsy to move, I even have a calendar pop up set that reminds me to get up and move.

With becoming more active throughout my day the other thing I quickly began to realize was that I actually felt better if I ate properly.  Before if I felt tired or sluggish I never blamed it on the food I was eating but came up with lots of other reasons why I was feeling that way.  But in the last year as I have been training harder and harder I have quickly realized just how much a factor what I’m putting in my system matters.  There have been a couple workouts where I eaten fast food before and the tired and sluggish feeling would plague me on workouts making them much harder than they should be.  They were workouts that I knew I should be able to kick ass on.  Logically I have always known eating better would help but in the last year I have seen the actual results of it.  I don’t expect that I will ever give up all my “junk” food but knowing that if I eat it I’m going to struggle with my next workout helps to keep the cravings at bay for a lot longer.  It has also meant that I’m a lot more careful about what days I choose to indulge in treats.  It is not very often now that I just buy fast food or a treat on a whim.  It is almost always planned out ahead of time, which would have been totally foreign to the me of a year ago.

The last change is of course the changes in my body itself.  I am losing weight and inches.  I don’t have a total for the number of inches because I only recently started taking measurements but from April last year to this past Saturday’s weigh in I have lost a total of 24.1 pounds.  More than half of that number has been in the last 3 months so I expect a bigger number by the time my second anniversary rolls around.  One of the things I have been conscious of when it comes to the number on the scale is trying to find a way to make it more tangible so I can really appreciate how much I have lost.  There are times when I think I haven’t really lost that much weight, or that I don’t feel that different but then I go and pick up a weight at the gym or in the case of the24 pounds I have lost since last year a turkey at the grocery store, and it is kind of amazing to really feel how much weight that is.  I still have a long way to go but like everything else I am incredibly proud of the weight I have lost in the last year.  It has brought me to a grand total so far of 41.5 pounds lost which is very nearly the most I have ever lost.  (The first time I did Weight Watchers I lost 50 pounds before quitting.)

Accomplishments in the last year:

I can’t write a blog entry about the last year and not at least mention a few of the things that I managed to accomplish on this journey in the last year.  All the changes and work have helped me to do a lot of things that I never expected or thought that I could.  Three jump immediately to mind when I started to think about the last year.  The first of course is my first 5K run in September 2014.  The second was facing some personal fears about being judged and actually signing up to get a trainer in November 2014.  The last was when I went to visit my parents for my summer vacation in July and I made the conscious decision and goal to get out and do a walk for exercise each day of the trip.  There were other smaller moments and accomplishments and things that I’m proud of but these three marked not only a shift in my abilities but were also accompanied by a realization of just how much I have changed my thinking and behaviours.  They are moments that I will always look back to and smile about.  They make me feel proud for what I have done but also give me hope for what I will do in the future.  (I totally have box jumping on my goal list for future accomplishments!)

I truly do believe that my life is fundamentally different now than it was a year ago.  I am becoming a version of me that I have always pictured and yet I still find myself amazed that I’m actually achieving it.  Each morning I wake up happy and excited for what the world will have in store for me.  I am actively seeking out new challenges and am ready to prove to the world and to myself that I really can do anything I put my mind to.  I still have a long way to go on this journey but I know and trust more than ever that I will get there.  I will continue to work to transform my life one step at a time while looking to the future but always remembering to take the time to acknowledge and look back to where I came from. 

“Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” – Francis of Assisi

Progress in Cold Hard Numbers

I have been struggling with how to write about my personal training for as many months as I have been doing it (which is just over 4 months now).  To say that is has changed my life feels like an understatement and at the same time I feel like putting so much importance on training takes away from the other parts of this journey that began long before training.  The reality is though that training has changed a lot about me, not just physically but mentally and spiritually as well.  The way I think about a lot of this journey, about food and about exercise have changed a great deal as I have been working with my trainer.  It is true that these things were also changing before training but certainly I feel that it has been more dramatic since I first got my trainer. 

I’m still working on being able to write about all of this coherently but in the mean time I figured it was time to do something I haven’t really ever done on this blog before.  It is time to share some of the numbers that I have been using to drive me through this journey.  I am writing this entry not only to share the changes I have been making but also as a way to show myself that no matter how slow this journey is and how long it is taking , progress is happening.  I am moving forward one baby step at a time and learning to love every minute of it.  I am becoming stronger physically and mentally.  I am finding my confidence and my inner athlete.

Weight Related Numbers

Highest weigh in happened Sept 7, 2013

From Sept 7 2013 to Mar 7, 2015 total pounds lost 38.6 pounds

Weight lost from Feb 7, 2015 to Mar 7, 2015 is 5.6 pounds

Training

Total hours done = 19

Total number of sessions = 27 (I think although I might be off by one or two)

Strength Training Numbers (based on the 4 weeks from Jan 14 – Feb 11)

Chest Press with dumbbells – started with 15 pounds up to 40 pounds

Cable Row – started with 60 pounds and up to 70 pounds

Bicep curl with dumbbells – started with 15 pounds up to 20

Cable tricep push downs – started with 20 (which by the 3^rd set was a real struggle) and up to 25

Leg Press – started with 90 and now up to 105

Shoulder Press – started with 10 pounds and up to 15 pounds

Cardio Numbers 

First 5K = 1 hour 16 minutes

30 second timed intervals

Exercise	Feb 7th	Mar 7th	Feb 7th	Mar 7th	Feb 7th	Mar 7th
Mod Burpee	9	9	9	9	9	10
Squat and press 6lbs	15	17	17	15	16	14
Med ball smash 10lbs	16	17	14	18	16	20
Agility ladder single steps	7	7.5	7	8	7	8
Step Ups	14	13	14	13	14	15

I have learned in this journey that as important as the numbers are for showing me that I’m improving they really do only tell half the picture.  There are times when the numbers don’t reflect the effort so I have also spent a great deal of time making sure to track and journal my emotions & overall physical sensations.  These results are more subjective but are equally as important in showing my success.  I know that I feel better, stronger, faster and more agile but these are hard to document in the same way.  I have learned to trust myself and this process.  I put a lot of faith into the people like my trainer who are guiding and supporting me.  All of this has helped give me the results that I see in the following pictures.

Even the biggest of distances can be tackled over time with the smallest of steps, as long as you keep moving in the right direction.  Hills happen but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other even they can be climbed.  I will end this entry with a quote that I love from C S Lewis - “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different”.  

A Little Off Kilter

This week has been an interesting week that has spawned a lot of talking and a lot of journal writing so I figured it was probably worth sharing.

This week started off the same as any other week but I just didn’t feel myself.  There was nothing physically wrong that I could put my finger on, no major stress or really nothing out of the ordinary going on and yet all week (well okay at least Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday) I felt out of sorts.  Silly things were getting to me like the hum of the new air conditioner they put in our office or the fact I left my phone at home going to the gym Wednesday night.  It’s just those little things that make you feel like you are slowly going a little nuts.

This all came to a head in last night’s personal training session.  I walked in and warmed up like normal.  I chatted with a few of my favourite regular gym buddies and waited for my training time.  Wednesday’s is always one of my favourite nights because it is the night that my trainer and I do strength training.  I have learned that I completely love lifting weights.  I generally leave feeling strong and very bad ass.  Last night though I wasn’t feeling it.  I wasn’t upset or sad or happy or excited.  I was just there.  The reality is that if I hadn’t had a training session I probably wouldn’t have even gone to the gym.  The session itself was tough.  It was the first time we worked for a solid 60mins without any major chat breaks.  The exercises were nothing really that I hadn’t done before although in some cases we added weight but certainly nothing I couldn’t handle.  I expected to be able to just put the effort in and get through it like any other week.  That was not to be however.  I was blown away when sheer emotion swept over me. 

The first moment I really noticed the emotion was when I went from doing chest presses right into a set of single arm rows.  As I transitioned to the rows I suddenly felt like I wanted to cry.  I had to actually fight the tears back.  Luckily focusing on lifting the weight helped refocus my brain and chase the tears away.  I was also a little terrified to cry on a weight floor full of teenage boys and strong men.  It made me think of the moment in A League of Their Own where Tom Hanks says there’s no crying in baseball only of course in my head it was there’s no crying on the weight floor.  hehehe

As we moved to the next set of exercises I was faced with the negative voice that sometimes pops into my brain.  We had been doing sumo squats with a kettle bell and then doing step ups with a weight.  I did the sumo squats without a problem (I have grown to really love squats) but when it came to move to the steps my brain started screaming that my legs were too shakey to do it and that I couldn’t do it.  As my trainer told me to go I froze.  I looked at her and told her straight up that my legs were arguing and it took me a minute but I was able to tell myself I could do it.  Each time I came to the steps ups I had to tell my brain to shut up. 

The last moment that really got to me was as I went to do these push ups.  They aren’t hard but we do a push up on a bar that runs around the track.  As I push up I push back and off the bar.  As we went to do them for a second set I felt like I was going to cry.  Again focusing on the exercise chased them away but it still is crazy to me. 

The negative voice isn’t new to me.  I know that I’m always going to have to deal with it.  I think we all do.  Telling it to shut up was fairly easy for me.  Of course it helps that my trainer also started chanting that I could do it.  When I have someone cheering me on it is much easier for me to tell myself that I can do it and believe in the power of what I’m doing.  Even when my trainer said on my last set I only had to do 10 per side instead of our normal 12 I still did 12.  I did battle with that negative voice and again proved that it doesn’t know anything.

The wanting to cry was a bit strange to me though.  Normally if I’m going to cry I know why - usually it’s the result of a sappy movie or a moment of self-pity or maybe just a moment of feeling lonely - but the weird thing last night was there was no reason.  I just felt the tears well up and want to spill over.  I was feeling any specific emotion but yet I still wanted to cry.  It was a new experience for me.

As crazy as the last few days were and especially last night I did learn a few things about myself.  The first is that sometimes you just need to have an emotional night.  It might feel a bit scary but sometimes you just need to let it sweep over you.  I woke up this morning and felt refreshed and ready to start over.  It was like everything that needed to be released was let go of last night. 

The second thing I learned about myself was a reminder of just how tough I am.  I think sometimes I forget that I have power within me that can get me through anything.  I have spent a large part of my life taking the easy way out and just doing enough to get by so fighting my way through the hard stuff last night felt really empowering.  Last night’s work out because of the emotional factor was one of the hardest I have ever done but I got through it.  I fought against the tears and the negative voice and came out the other side.  Not only did I accomplish everything my trainer asked but I was able to find focus and determination that I don’t think I really realized I had.  I am one strong cookie and I look forward to the next time I have to prove it to myself.

The reality of the journey that I’m on to lose weight and change my life is that nights like last night are bound to happen.  I knew when I made the decision to change my life that it was going to be a battle.  I’m going up against a lot of years of bad habits but I know that slowly I will change and replace them all with habits that support the life I see in my future.  My trainer likes to say “it is already done”.  It is anything that we have set our minds to.  The biggest part of the battle is making the choice to take the first step.  For me what this means is that although I’m still moving through this journey I already am at the end of it.  In my head I’m there I’m living the life I want.  I just need to wait for my body to catch up with what my mind and soul already know.

I Am A Gym Person!

I’m not sure when it happened but I realized today as I was driving to the gym that I have become a “gym person”. 

A gym person to me is someone who is always in the gym.  It doesn't seem to matter when you go they are already there and they always stay longer than you do.  They seem to know everyone and you can tell that they are enjoying what they do.  They know how to use all the equipment and they don’t seem to have any doubt that they should be there.

When I started at the Y I was only going on the weekends because my weekdays were spent at the gym at my workplace.  So when I would come in Saturday morning, I would hop on the treadmill and just watch.  No one knew me because I was only there one day a week.  I felt like an outsider and like I didn't belong but at the same time I felt a great deal of envy for the ease with which the regulars seemed to move around the gym.  They were intimidating and inspiring all at the same time.  I didn't know how they got there but you could tell they belonged.

Well somehow over the last year, I think that I have become one of those people (although hopefully not intimidating).  It amazes me to think how much my life has changed in the last year.  I love going to the gym.  I love how no matter what I’m doing when I am there that I leave feeling empowered, strong and confident.  Who knew something as simple as small piece of plastic (my gym membership) could have so completely changed me?  I do know and realize that I owe some of the change to personal training but that is a topic for another blog entry (which is proving far harder to write).

One of the biggest changes that has happened is how much I love going to the gym.  It is actually really hard for me to miss a day.  When something comes up and I do have to miss a day I try my best to make it happen on one of my rest days.  If I can’t do that I try to get out and at least go for a walk at lunch.  There was a time where I lived for the days when I could do nothing and now I struggle with them.  Being active truly has become more than just a goal to work towards.  I really make every effort to live it now. 

Something else that has surprised me is my confidence at the gym.  I don’t feel like an outsider anymore.  Sure I’m still not the smallest or most fit person there but it doesn't matter anymore.  When I walk into the gym I feel like I own the place.  I have often told my trainer that I feel like a rock star.  I stand tall and move with confidence.  My normal shyness doesn't seem to exist when I’m there.  I will talk to strangers, looking them in the eye and all with ease.  It feels like I really have become a whole new person.  I’m not trying to hide anymore.  For once in my life I want people to notice me and they are – and not because I’m the big girl trying to work out but because I’m the big girl who is changing her life.

Another thing that has really surprised me is something I didn't expect and not even something I really noticed but something my trainer pointed out.  The harder the activity or work out the bigger I smile.  When she told that to one of the other trainers, who we were talking with, I started to realize something else – I love to be challenged.  I love doing the things that people have said I can’t do or that I have even told myself I can’t do.  The harder it is the more I want to tackle it.  I love the feeling I get when I push myself and the gym has given me so many opportunities to prove that I am more capable and stronger than I could have ever have imagined.  Nothing feels impossible when I’m at the gym.  I go each day (especially training days) and am excited to see what new thing I can try.  I love every minute of it.

I don’t know if my experiences are unique but I do know that I get how people can become gym people.  The atmosphere, the support, the challenge and the instant gratification that comes from doing something new – it all helps to create a place that lets me feel amazing.  It is a place that is letting me grow into the person I have always wanted to be.  It is a place I once feared but now embrace.  So I will proudly claim that I am now and hopefully will forever be a gym person.

Anything is Possible…

…with a dream, hard work, and the support of your loved ones.

It seems like a long time ago now when I first mentioned to a friend the idea of signing up to run a 5K.  She didn’t laugh or say why not try walking one first but instead told me she thought it was a great idea and that she would join me.  Now 6 months later and with her beside me I finished my very first 5K yesterday.  This entry is all about my run and dedicated to everyone who has loved, supported and cheered me on.  I’m honoured and humbled by all that you bring into my life.

Yesterday I did something that I didn’t truly believe was possible even though I had already proved to myself that I could walk 5k over and over.  Yesterday I not only participated in the Terry Fox run but I also jogged chunks of it.  I wasn’t the fastest (which I knew I wasn’t going to be) but it didn’t matter in the slightest.  All that mattered was that I finished and I finished strong. 

 

Doing the 5K wasn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be even as prepared as I was.  I had moments of real struggle like when I got a stitch in my side or when just as I was about to start running to the finish line my back felt so tight that I had to stop and stretch it out before I could run again.  I also quickly realized as much as I have worked on the voice in my head that it still speaks up with doubt when I’m doing something challenging.  It popped up right after I had done my first run interval and started to remind me of how much harder this was than running on the treadmill and telling me that there was no way I would be able to keep doing it.  Luckily I had two great partners beside me to talk and distract me from that voice and reassuring me that I can do this.  By the time I finished my second run interval that doubt was forgotten and determination took over.

In spite of the challenges something I’m very proud of is the fact that I was able to keep my smile and positive attitude the whole time.  I even managed to keep laughing and joking of course some of that was probably just nervous energy.  I wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to maintain my mood before I started.  In fact I had previously warned my friend that I would probably be tired and cranky by the end of everything.  What I was counting on was how truly amazing it felt to be out doing this run for cancer research with about 1500 other people.  The crowd was enthusiastic and excited.  It was hard not to be positive and smiling.  

 

Nearing the end but still smiling and still moving!

The last kilometer was the probably the hardest for me because although I knew I could finish my body was starting to feeling the strain of my weight and previous four kilometers.  I was tired and just waiting for the end.  It felt so close and so far all at the same time.  I just kept putting one foot in front of the other though and kept moving towards the end.

As we reach the final few meters my lower back was incredibly tight and sore but I was determined to run across the finish line.  So I quickly stopped to stretch my back out a bit and then my friend beside me we jogged to the end and across that finish line.  What amazed me was the burst of energy I felt just before I was going to cross it.  I could feel my body push a little faster and I ran across it strong and smiling.  In that moment I didn’t even see the people around me or hear the cheers I just felt this huge rush go through my body.  It was exhilarating.  I have never been more proud of myself in that moment. It was such an accomplishment.  It has been a long time since I worked so diligently and hard towards a goal.  I most definitely will be doing this again.

Along with being proud of my run I am also proud of the amount of money my team and myself were able to raise for the cause.  My personal total raised was $540.  Along with that I take credit for the team fundraising events total of 375.85 which means I very nearly made my goal of $1000.  Overall as a team we managed to raise over $2300 (I’m not sure what the final total was as we had some last minute donations that didn’t get added in to our page).  I am so proud of the work we put in and the amount we pulled off especially since this was the first time I have ever really taken on something like this.  I am proud to be able to do a small part in the large battle against cancer.

Before I end this blog I want to take a few minutes to acknowledge some very special people.  I couldn’t have done this journey on my own and I think a great deal of thanks need to be shared. (Sorry I know it’s rather award show of me but I really couldn’t have done this on my own and I think recognition should always be shared.)

The first thank you has to go to my fellow Screening Sirens.  I put the idea out to all of you and you all blew me away with your willingness to sign on and jump in.  You have been there to help me with fundraising and to just be there so I knew I had a reason I couldn’t quit.  I loved being the captain of such a great group of positive people.  I look forward to doing it again with all of you.

Screening Sirens showing a little love

Second I need to thank all of my donors both my personal donors and the team donors.  It was an honour to be able to do this run on your behalf.  I hope that I have done you all proud.  It is because of you I feel I can say that this run was a success on all sides.  I have so much love and gratitude to all of you who were willing to support me with your donations.

Third to EVERYONE who has every cheered me on especially on Facebook.  You have kept me going on this journey even on the hardest days.  You shared your excitement and enthusiasm for what I was doing.  You filled my world with so much positivity it would have been impossible for me not to succeed.  You are family and friends from around the world and I shine because of you.

Last a very special thank you to Tina.  I want you to know how much your support has meant to me.  You inspire me to do more and keep reaching towards becoming the active person I know that I am inside.  You have taken the time to walk with me countless times over the last few months.  You have encouraged me and offered so much advice.  You have never once shown anything but positive energy towards me and my goals no matter how crazy they may seem.  Without fail you have kept my worst doubts at bay and shown me that I really can reach for things that seem out of reach.  Without you I don’t know that this run would have happened.  You moved my journey along by asking me to walk with you at lunches and promising that you would go at my pace.  I’m glad you were persistent and kept inviting me even when I kept coming up with excuses why I couldn’t.  I am forever grateful that I finally said yes and started walking and that you were still ready to go.  You were true to your word and stayed at my pace even though you are capable of going so much faster and it has meant the world to me.  It has been a privilege to do this run with you and I can’t wait for the day when I can say let’s go at your pace.

Tina and I hanging out before the run

We did it!

This journey has proved to myself that anything is possible if you set your mind to it.  I am a changed woman for having taken on this challenge.  I have found strength, pride, confidence, love, support and so much more.  All it took was a small idea, some blood, sweat & tears and a whole lot of belief in myself.  If I can do this I know that I can do anything.  Heck if I can do this anyone can do anything.  Impossible things happen every day we might as well make them happen for us.

Finding My Running Legs: Lessons Learned on Weight Loss

*Series in progress*  This entry is part of a series I’m writing leading up to my running (walking…but hopefully mostly running) my first 5K.  For more information on this series check out the introduction here or just continue on reading this entry.  I have also included links at the end to the other entries and to both the Terry Fox Foundation and my run fundraising page.

Today’s lesson is more of a mind shift than something concrete.  In the last 6 months as I have been training myself to learn how to run I began to realize that this journey I’m on that I have always thought of as a weight loss journey actually isn’t about weight loss.  As I have been working through this process what I have come to realize that well weight loss is great it is not the main thing that I count on anymore.  Watching a scale has never really been my thing but more and more I realize that what my journey needs to be and is becoming a journey to become healthy and to make the best choices for me and my overall health.  Weight loss plays a factor but there is so much more to it and honestly now it really just feels like the icing on the cake.

Over the last few years but most especially in the last 6 months I feel like my whole life has been changing for the better.  I am losing weight but I have gained so much more in my life than just seeing a number on a scale drop.  I feel like I’m learning how to figure out who I am and what I want in life.  I have discovered a whole list of new things that I love (including running) and discovered a lot of stuff that was getting in my way (especially a lot of emotional baggage).  When I take a snapshot of my life right now I see a whole new Jill standing in the picture.  She is more accepting, more conscious of what she is doing and she is happy.  She is driven and confident.  She is me and I am her.  I feel like I have finally found my groove. 

This maybe my shortest entry but it is still important.  I know that so many of us base our success on the number that comes up on the scale but trust me when I say that there is so many better ways to define success.  Look to other things like how you feel or doing something you have never done before or just making smarter choices as ways to find success.  Healthy is the goal we should all strive for and for me part of healthy does include weight loss but I know and trust that if I work towards healthy then the weight loss will follow as well.

To donate and check out my progress please visit my page here.

For more information on the Terry Fox Foundation and the run check out their page here.

Finding My Running Legs Previous Entries

• Introduction
• Importance of Goals
• Picking Goals
• Tracking Goals
• Celebrating
• My Changing Body
• Strength
• Mirrors