My Reality, My Journey, My Story!: Remembering

For the last few weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking about my Nan. I know that it was because we were coming up to the anniversary of her passing. Today actually is the 1 year anniversary of that loss. I am finding it hard to believe it’s already been a year although in a lot of ways it also seems like a very long time ago. I have struggled all week to try and come up with the right words to share today and I still don’t know that I have them but I’m going to try.

When we lose people we love I think it changes us or at least that is what it feels like to me. I know that I felt like a different person after losing my friend, Will, and certainly over the last year I feel like I’m changing again. It started while we were in the hospital after Nan had her stroke. Watching and knowing that the clock was running out was hard for me. It left me feeling conflicted. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye but I also knew I didn’t want Nan to be suffering. I didn’t know what to pray/hope for and that was hard for me. It was the first time I have ever really felt like I didn’t have or know the right answer and that really shook me to my core. It sent me on a journey to look inside to try and figure out what I believe in when it comes to life and death. These aren’t easy things to sort out and even now I’m still very much still trying to sort it out. I have spent a lot of time exploring the ideas of religion and spirituality. I don’t know what I believe but I do know I want to figure it out. That searching to sort it out has definitely made it feel like parts of me are being rewritten though hopefully for the better.

I think part of the reason I also feel like I’m changing is also because I felt a lot of regret after Nan’s passing. I have been struggling with the fact that I feel like I should have spent more time with her, reached out to her more often and been around more. There are so many more conversations we could have had. Time is such a precious gift and we don’t know when it will run out but so often our pride or our own ideas or misconceptions get in the way of taking advantage of the time we have with the people we love. I’m trying to learn from the regrets I felt with Nan, because I know that right now between friends and family there are people who if something was to happen to tomorrow I would have these regrets again. I don’t have all the answers or even how to fix it but I am trying to figure that out as well.

While the last year has opened up a world of hard (big) questions I also am grateful that the last year has brought me moments where I have still felt Nan’s presence in my world. The most memorable moment of this for me was one day while I was going through my dvds and I came across a picture of my Nan and my Uncle Geoff. It was just in between a couple dvds. Logically I know I probably put the picture on top of the dvds at one point when scrapbooking but the crazy thing is I hadn’t worked with those pictures in years and yet I know I go through my dvds all the time so it should have turned up before it did. To me in that moment it was Nan’s way of saying hi and letting me know she is with Uncle Geoff again. I felt both of them with me that day.

I have found that over the last year Nan is often in my thoughts. Sometimes it’s when I’m making a cup of tea or when I’m watching some reality tv show. Most often though thoughts of Nan come to me when I’m baking (or anytime I use my favourite cookbook because she gave it to me so many years ago). I’m not sure why food and grandma’s are so entwined together but I know I’m not alone in thinking of Nan and food. The one recipe that I keep trying to make that always makes me think of Nan when I make it, is her date square recipe. This is also the one recipe I seem to struggle with, no doubt because I get distracted while I make it. The very first time I made it I got all the way through, cooked it and then when it came out of the oven I thought this doesn’t look right. I let it cool and cut it and tried it anyway. Once I tasted it and then looked at the recipe I realized that I had switched around the amounts of brown sugar and rolled oats. They were horribly sweet. I had to toss them. I right away tried to make a second batch and this time after using my flour I went to put the lid of it and ended up dropping the container on the floor sending a cloud of flour up to cover me and my whole kitchen. At that moment I just started laughing until I had tears running down my face. I could also clearly picture Nan laughing at me too. It was one of those stories I wished I could have shared with her in person. I have made that recipe several more times in the last year and although I haven’t had any more weird things go wrong I still can’t get it to turn out the way Nan’s did. I doubt I ever will.

There are so many little things like that where I wish she was here so I could share the stories with her but I am grateful that for 37 years I got to have her in my life. I have 37 years of memories (well okay probably not quite because I don’t really remember her from when I was baby) that I can pull up. It has been amazing in a lot of ways because over the last year so many times random memories just pop up, things I haven’t thought about in years. They are things that were locked away in the vault somewhere just waiting to be accessed. The more I access them, the more that seem to keep popping up. Ultimately it is these memories that have helped get me through the last year. I want to end this blog sharing a few of them. It is a letter I wrote in one of the draft version of this blog. It is a letter I wish I could send to Nan but in a way I guess I am.

Dear Nan,

It has been a year and you are never far from my thoughts. I find myself remembering so many moments we have shared. I wish I could share these memories with you over a cup of tea but a letter will have to do.

While I was in BC I was surprised at how many memories kept popping up. I remember hearing you scream in a gift shop after Geoff had put a fake snake over your purse or you sitting in the shade of the smallest tree because you had seen a garter snake where the rest of us were sitting. I can see you walking around Butchart Gardens telling us the names of all the flowers. And although I don’t know if it’s so much a memory or just my imagination but I can see you sitting at the dining room table with Grandma talking. I love so much that you came with us to BC more than once. I love that I have images of you and Grandma and Grandpa together.

It’s probably not that surprising that I have a lot of memories of you pop up when I’m in the kitchen at home. I remember the times when you would come over before Christmas to help mom do Christmas baking; day long baking sprees that would leave the house smelling of vanilla and fresh baked treats. I can also see you sitting around the table enjoying dinner with us. I also think of all the cakes you used to make for me, always white or lemon and with the most beautiful icing flowers with the little silver balls to decorate it. Every time I open my Joy of Cooking book to get a new recipe or to use one of my old favourites I always think of you as well. I find myself opening the front cover and looking at the inscription and missing you.

Also kitchen related (although yours not mine) one of my favourite memories that often comes back to me is the time that I brought my laptop and scanner over so I could scan some photos. Sitting in your kitchen as you pulled out more pictures that you thought I would like, was amazing. Each photo brought back a memory and a story for you that you shared with me. I think I learned more about you that day than probably almost any time in my life. I loved hearing about England and you growing up. I can still picture your face and hear your voice, clear as if it was yesterday as you talked about your own memories. I wish we had done more of that, I feel like there were so many more stories you could have shared.

There are so many images in my head of you that stand out. I can see you standing in your kitchen or in your garden. I remember walking Shadow with you and seeing your house all decorated for Christmas. I see you at a picnic table with a cup a tea while we had some lunch out in Kananaskis or when we headed down to visit Uncle Geoff in Saskatchewan. I see you sitting in your rocking chair watching tv or holding a cup of tea. I see you “helping” me (actually doing all the work) clean out my closet when I was young. I remember sharing meals with you and the shock on your face the first time I said okay to a cup of tea because normally I would say I didn’t want anything. I remember your smile and your laugh and most of all I remember all the times you stood at your window to wave as we drove away.

For all the memories though what I miss the most and the memories that are the strongest and most tangible are the memories I have of hugging you hello or goodbye. You always felt so tiny when I hugged you. I can still feel how it felt if I close my eyes. They always ended with a kiss on the cheek and a comment about you loving your Jilly Willy. What I wouldn’t give for one more of your hugs. I miss you every day Nan. I wish we could have shared more memories together but I am grateful for all the memories I do have.

I will love you and remember you always and forever. You are forever engrained in my mind, my imagination, my memories and my soul.