There are probably a million little things that I could blame for my
struggles with the race. Things like the
fact my legs were tired thanks to a fire alarm Friday which made me have to
walk down from the 6th floor or that I had to move the lawn on yesterday
or maybe the fact that I had the joy of also dealing with cramps (sorry
TMI). Looking back on the race as short
as it was for me, aside from the unplanned hiccups pre-race, I can see some
very specific things that triggered me and set me off at the race to put me
into the wrong headspace. Without the right mindset everything seems
impossible and that is in fact how I was feeling today. Here is a list of the issues from today and
how I can fix them for next time because there will be a next time.
The first of these triggers was the heat. It was apparently about 17 degrees at the
start of the race but the sun was beating down.
There was no shade and I could feel the heat radiating from my body even
before we left. I can’t change or
predict the temperature of a race but I can continue to work on losing weight
so hopefully there is less insulation trapping the heat in. I also plan on making more of an effort to do
warm weather training.
The second thing that set me off was not something I could have
predicted. My friend and I waited until
the end of the group to start. In my
head this made the most sense because I knew I was going to be at the end
anyway. What threw me off though was
when the race sweeper came up just to let us know she would be walking behind
us but to just keep going and have fun.
I’m not sure why it threw me off but it did. Being at the end made me feel like I was
failing before I start. Don’t get me
wrong I knew I was going to end up at the end of this race but starting there
was not a good place for me mentally. So
next time I plan to start towards the end but in with the group so hopefully I
can feel less like I’m losing.
The third and fourth things that set me off were sort of tied
together. As I was walking along I saw
the group in front of me getting further away.
I was also already at this point doubting my body and the ability to
actually complete the 10k safely. (I had
visions of the first 5k I did in Canmore where I got to the end and almost
fainted). So as I saw the group getting
further away and knowing I was walking with a friend I started to worry that if
I had to drop out that she would be left on her own really far back from the
rest of the 10k group. I’m not sure how
to fix this for next time, the only solutions I have right now are to do my
next race on my own or to get faster. LOL
By this point my brain was screaming to quit. My body was hot. My breathing was already struggling. I was starting to battle the negative voice
in my head but I was still trying to push through. Then we passed the 1k mark and the final
straw was when the volunteer said yah 1k done only 9 more to go. I don’t know how to explain that moment but
it was like something snapped. The
reality of what I was trying to do smacked me full on in the face and I was
suddenly full of self-doubt. I lost the image in my head of me finishing the
race. Once the image was gone all the
other factors made today feel impossible.
The only way to fix this is to just keep going. I need to prove to myself that I can do it
and that I’m ready to do it. I need to
keep pushing. I need to keep
trying. Most of all I need to keep
training. I need to keep bringing my
brain to the point where it wants to quit and push through it to help make my
mental game stronger.
When I made the decision to stop I was close enough to walk back and I
did in tears. Of all the things I have and haven’t done in my life this one
really hit hard. I pride myself on my
ability to push through things. I’m
stubborn and proud of it. It has served
me well in a lot of ways. Today I
couldn’t find that determination. Today
it felt like all the odds were against me.
The other reality of this race is something that extends further than
just what happened today. I have been
struggling to find my motivation for a while now. My work outs have been all over the place and
nothing even close to consistent. My
eating and meal planning have been very much in the same boat. I should have been working to set myself up
for success but instead I procrastinated my way through promising that next
week would be better until next week was race week. This is probably why today was so hard on my
soul. It would be one thing to quit and
know that I had tried my best but it’s another to quit and now that I could
have done more.
I think the hardest thing about today though is now I don’t know if I
could have done it. In the moment I know
that I was pretty sure my body wouldn’t hold up for the whole 10k. Having watched the 10k race run on tv and
seeing how little shade there was on the route I’m fairly confident that I did
make the right decision to stop because of my body. I strongly suspect if I had pushed through
and kept going I would have been in rough shape at the end and battling
dehydration. In spite of this thought
though the reality is that sadly I will always have the question of if I was
right or if I just let my negative self-talk get the better of me. I try really hard to live without
regret. I need to find a way to make
sure this doesn’t become something I regret but merely a blip on a bigger
journey.
So that leaves us with one big question…what now? Well I know that I never want to feel as
disappointed in myself again. I plan on
keeping my bib from today’s race somewhere I can see it as a reminder of what it feels like to give up on
myself. I don’t want to forget the way I
felt walking away from a goal. I am
going to use that memory and feeling to help push me so that I will be better
next time.
There is a quote that I found by Henry Ford that sums up my
mindset. “Failure is only the
opportunity to begin again this time more intelligently.” I can turn today’s struggles into something amazing. As cool as it would have been to cross the
finish line today it is going to be even sweeter when I cross the finish line
after failing today. The next time I get
to do a 10k I know it will be a challenge because I will remember today and
have to fight through my fear but I also know that I can and will do it.
As hard as it was for me there are aspects of today that have been
amazing. I have been blessed with
amazing people who were cheering me on before I started and who have been
cheering me up once I stopped. One of
the things I was struggling with was feeling like I had let everyone down. I have been given so much support and love
and encouragement from so many people and I didn’t want to disappoint. What I learned though is that I have a lot of
amazing friends who love and support me no matter what. I feel very blessed to have so many wonderful
people in my life. Not only do they pick
me up when I’m down, but they believe in me and they encourage me to become the
best version of myself that I can be.
I’m grateful beyond words for all of you.
I shall end this blog with a picture.
It was a prerace picture when I was still hopeful and excited. I will look at it and know that in spite of
everything I did believe I could do it when this picture was taken. That belief hasn’t changed. I do still believe I can do it. It will just
take me a little bit more time. I will
not let my disappointment discourage me or derail me. Instead I will use it to push me forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment