Remembering

For the last few weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking about my Nan.  I know that it was because we were coming up to the anniversary of her passing.  Today actually is the 1 year anniversary of that loss.  I am finding it hard to believe it’s already been a year although in a lot of ways it also seems like a very long time ago.  I have struggled all week to try and come up with the right words to share today and I still don’t know that I have them but I’m going to try. 

When we lose people we love I think it changes us or at least that is what it feels like to me.  I know that I felt like a different person after losing my friend, Will, and certainly over the last year I feel like I’m changing again.  It started while we were in the hospital after Nan had her stroke.  Watching and knowing that the clock was running out was hard for me.  It left me feeling conflicted.  I wasn’t ready to say goodbye but I also knew I didn’t want Nan to be suffering.  I didn’t know what to pray/hope for and that was hard for me.  It was the first time I have ever really felt like I didn’t have or know the right answer and that really shook me to my core.  It sent me on a journey to look inside to try and figure out what I believe in when it comes to life and death.  These aren’t easy things to sort out and even now I’m still very much still trying to sort it out.  I have spent a lot of time exploring the ideas of religion and spirituality.  I don’t know what I believe but I do know I want to figure it out.  That searching to sort it out has definitely made it feel like parts of me are being rewritten though hopefully for the better.

I think part of the reason I also feel like I’m changing is also because I felt a lot of regret after Nan’s passing.  I have been struggling with the fact that I feel like I should have spent more time with her, reached out to her more often and been around more.  There are so many more conversations we could have had.  Time is such a precious gift and we don’t know when it will run out but so often our pride or our own ideas or misconceptions get in the way of taking advantage of the time we have with the people we love.  I’m trying to learn from the regrets I felt with Nan, because I know that right now between friends and family there are people who if something was to happen to tomorrow I would have these regrets again.  I don’t have all the answers or even how to fix it but I am trying to figure that out as well.

While the last year has opened up a world of hard (big) questions I also am grateful that the last year has brought me moments where I have still felt Nan’s presence in my world.  The most memorable moment of this for me was one day while I was going through my dvds and I came across a picture of my Nan and my Uncle Geoff.  It was just in between a couple dvds.  Logically I know I probably put the picture on top of the dvds at one point when scrapbooking but the crazy thing is I hadn’t worked with those pictures in years and yet I know I go through my dvds all the time so it should have turned up before it did.  To me in that moment it was Nan’s way of saying hi and letting me know she is with Uncle Geoff again.  I felt both of them with me that day.

I have found that over the last year Nan is often in my thoughts.  Sometimes it’s when I’m making a cup of tea or when I’m watching some reality tv show.  Most often though thoughts of Nan come to me when I’m baking (or anytime I use my favourite cookbook because she gave it to me so many years ago).  I’m not sure why food and grandma’s are so entwined together but I know I’m not alone in thinking of Nan and food.  The one recipe that I keep trying to make that always makes me think of Nan when I make it, is her date square recipe.  This is also the one recipe I seem to struggle with, no doubt because I get distracted while I make it.  The very first time I made it I got all the way through, cooked it and then when it came out of the oven I thought this doesn’t look right.  I let it cool and cut it and tried it anyway.  Once I tasted it and then looked at the recipe I realized that I had switched around the amounts of brown sugar and rolled oats.  They were horribly sweet.  I had to toss them.  I right away tried to make a second batch and this time after using my flour I went to put the lid of it and ended up dropping the container on the floor sending a cloud of flour up to cover me and my whole kitchen.  At that moment I just started laughing until I had tears running down my face.  I could also clearly picture Nan laughing at me too.  It was one of those stories I wished I could have shared with her in person.  I have made that recipe several more times in the last year and although I haven’t had any more weird things go wrong I still can’t get it to turn out the way Nan’s did.  I doubt I ever will.

There are so many little things like that where I wish she was here so I could share the stories with her but I am grateful that for 37 years I got to have her in my life.  I have 37 years of memories (well okay probably not quite because I don’t really remember her from when I was baby) that I can pull up.  It has been amazing in a lot of ways because over the last year so many times random memories just pop up, things I haven’t thought about in years.  They are things that were locked away in the vault somewhere just waiting to be accessed.  The more I access them, the more that seem to keep popping up.  Ultimately it is these memories that have helped get me through the last year.  I want to end this blog sharing a few of them.  It is a letter I wrote in one of the draft version of this blog.  It is a letter I wish I could send to Nan but in a way I guess I am.

Dear Nan,

It has been a year and you are never far from my thoughts.  I find myself remembering so many moments we have shared.  I wish I could share these memories with you over a cup of tea but a letter will have to do.

While I was in BC I was surprised at how many memories kept popping up.  I remember hearing you scream in a gift shop after Geoff had put a fake snake over your purse or you sitting in the shade of the smallest tree because you had seen a garter snake where the rest of us were sitting.  I can see you walking around Butchart Gardens telling us the names of all the flowers.  And although I don’t know if it’s so much a memory or just my imagination but I can see you sitting at the dining room table with Grandma talking.  I love so much that you came with us to BC more than once.  I love that I have images of you and Grandma and Grandpa together.

It’s probably not that surprising that I have a lot of memories of you pop up when I’m in the kitchen at home.  I remember the times when you would come over before Christmas to help mom do Christmas baking; day long baking sprees that would leave the house smelling of vanilla and fresh baked treats. I can also see you sitting around the table enjoying dinner with us.  I also think of all the cakes you used to make for me, always white or lemon and with the most beautiful icing flowers with the little silver balls to decorate it.  Every time I open my Joy of Cooking book to get a new recipe or to use one of my old favourites I always think of you as well.  I find myself opening the front cover and looking at the inscription and missing you.

Also kitchen related (although yours not mine) one of my favourite memories that often comes back to me is the time that I brought my laptop and scanner over so I could scan some photos.  Sitting in your kitchen as you pulled out more pictures that you thought I would like, was amazing.  Each photo brought back a memory and a story for you that you shared with me.  I think I learned more about you that day than probably almost any time in my life.  I loved hearing about England and you growing up.  I can still picture your face and hear your voice, clear as if it was yesterday as you talked about your own memories.  I wish we had done more of that, I feel like there were so many more stories you could have shared.

There are so many images in my head of you that stand out.  I can see you standing in your kitchen or in your garden.  I remember walking Shadow with you and seeing your house all decorated for Christmas.  I see you at a picnic table with a cup a tea while we had some lunch out in Kananaskis or when we headed down to visit Uncle Geoff in Saskatchewan.  I see you sitting in your rocking chair watching tv or holding a cup of tea.  I see you “helping” me (actually doing all the work) clean out my closet when I was young.  I remember sharing meals with you and the shock on your face the first time I said okay to a cup of tea because normally I would say I didn’t want anything.  I remember your smile and your laugh and most of all I remember all the times you stood at your window to wave as we drove away.

For all the memories though what I miss the most and the memories that are the strongest and most tangible are the memories I have of hugging you hello or goodbye.  You always felt so tiny when I hugged you.  I can still feel how it felt if I close my eyes.  They always ended with a kiss on the cheek and a comment about you loving your Jilly Willy.  What I wouldn’t give for one more of your hugs.  I miss you every day Nan.  I wish we could have shared more memories together but I am grateful for all the memories I do have.

I will love you and remember you always and forever.  You are forever engrained in my mind, my imagination, my memories and my soul.

Other blog entries about Nan
Remembering a Remarkable Woman
Nan's Memorial

Disappointed - Next Year Will Be Different

This is not the blog entry I thought I would be writing tonight.  Today I went out to the Calgary Marathon with the plan and goal of completing my first 10km race.  I’m broken hearted and disappointed to say that it did not happen.  I’m still processing what happened and how it has left me feeling but I feel it’s still important to document the moment.  I would have written a blog entry if I had been successful so I should also write one even though I wasn’t.  I’ll apologize now if it’s not very coherent.  I’m still fighting back tears and my brain is still quite muddled.

There are probably a million little things that I could blame for my struggles with the race.  Things like the fact my legs were tired thanks to a fire alarm Friday which made me have to walk down from the 6^th floor or that I had to move the lawn on yesterday or maybe the fact that I had the joy of also dealing with cramps (sorry TMI).  Looking back on the race as short as it was for me, aside from the unplanned hiccups pre-race, I can see some very specific things that triggered me and set me off at the race to put me into the wrong headspace.   Without the right mindset everything seems impossible and that is in fact how I was feeling today.  Here is a list of the issues from today and how I can fix them for next time because there will be a next time.

The first of these triggers was the heat.  It was apparently about 17 degrees at the start of the race but the sun was beating down.  There was no shade and I could feel the heat radiating from my body even before we left.  I can’t change or predict the temperature of a race but I can continue to work on losing weight so hopefully there is less insulation trapping the heat in.  I also plan on making more of an effort to do warm weather training.

The second thing that set me off was not something I could have predicted.  My friend and I waited until the end of the group to start.  In my head this made the most sense because I knew I was going to be at the end anyway.  What threw me off though was when the race sweeper came up just to let us know she would be walking behind us but to just keep going and have fun.  I’m not sure why it threw me off but it did.  Being at the end made me feel like I was failing before I start.  Don’t get me wrong I knew I was going to end up at the end of this race but starting there was not a good place for me mentally.  So next time I plan to start towards the end but in with the group so hopefully I can feel less like I’m losing.

The third and fourth things that set me off were sort of tied together.  As I was walking along I saw the group in front of me getting further away.  I was also already at this point doubting my body and the ability to actually complete the 10k safely.  (I had visions of the first 5k I did in Canmore where I got to the end and almost fainted).  So as I saw the group getting further away and knowing I was walking with a friend I started to worry that if I had to drop out that she would be left on her own really far back from the rest of the 10k group.  I’m not sure how to fix this for next time, the only solutions I have right now are to do my next race on my own or to get faster.  LOL

By this point my brain was screaming to quit.  My body was hot.  My breathing was already struggling.  I was starting to battle the negative voice in my head but I was still trying to push through.  Then we passed the 1k mark and the final straw was when the volunteer said yah 1k done only 9 more to go.  I don’t know how to explain that moment but it was like something snapped.  The reality of what I was trying to do smacked me full on in the face and I was suddenly full of self-doubt. I lost the image in my head of me finishing the race.  Once the image was gone all the other factors made today feel impossible.  The only way to fix this is to just keep going.  I need to prove to myself that I can do it and that I’m ready to do it.  I need to keep pushing.  I need to keep trying.  Most of all I need to keep training.  I need to keep bringing my brain to the point where it wants to quit and push through it to help make my mental game stronger. 

When I made the decision to stop I was close enough to walk back and I did in tears. Of all the things I have and haven’t done in my life this one really hit hard.  I pride myself on my ability to push through things.  I’m stubborn and proud of it.  It has served me well in a lot of ways.  Today I couldn’t find that determination.  Today it felt like all the odds were against me.

The other reality of this race is something that extends further than just what happened today.  I have been struggling to find my motivation for a while now.  My work outs have been all over the place and nothing even close to consistent.  My eating and meal planning have been very much in the same boat.  I should have been working to set myself up for success but instead I procrastinated my way through promising that next week would be better until next week was race week.  This is probably why today was so hard on my soul.  It would be one thing to quit and know that I had tried my best but it’s another to quit and now that I could have done more.

I think the hardest thing about today though is now I don’t know if I could have done it.  In the moment I know that I was pretty sure my body wouldn’t hold up for the whole 10k.  Having watched the 10k race run on tv and seeing how little shade there was on the route I’m fairly confident that I did make the right decision to stop because of my body.  I strongly suspect if I had pushed through and kept going I would have been in rough shape at the end and battling dehydration.  In spite of this thought though the reality is that sadly I will always have the question of if I was right or if I just let my negative self-talk get the better of me.  I try really hard to live without regret.   I need to find a way to make sure this doesn’t become something I regret but merely a blip on a bigger journey.

So that leaves us with one big question…what now?  Well I know that I never want to feel as disappointed in myself again.  I plan on keeping my bib from today’s race somewhere I can see it as a  reminder of what it feels like to give up on myself.  I don’t want to forget the way I felt walking away from a goal.  I am going to use that memory and feeling to help push me so that I will be better next time.

There is a quote that I found by Henry Ford that sums up my mindset.  “Failure is only the opportunity to begin again this time more intelligently.”  I can turn today’s struggles into something amazing.  As cool as it would have been to cross the finish line today it is going to be even sweeter when I cross the finish line after failing today.  The next time I get to do a 10k I know it will be a challenge because I will remember today and have to fight through my fear but I also know that I can and will do it. 

As hard as it was for me there are aspects of today that have been amazing.  I have been blessed with amazing people who were cheering me on before I started and who have been cheering me up once I stopped.  One of the things I was struggling with was feeling like I had let everyone down.  I have been given so much support and love and encouragement from so many people and I didn’t want to disappoint.  What I learned though is that I have a lot of amazing friends who love and support me no matter what.  I feel very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.  Not only do they pick me up when I’m down, but they believe in me and they encourage me to become the best version of myself that I can be.  I’m grateful beyond words for all of you.

I shall end this blog with a picture.  It was a prerace picture when I was still hopeful and excited.  I will look at it and know that in spite of everything I did believe I could do it when this picture was taken.  That belief hasn’t changed.  I do still believe I can do it. It will just take me a little bit more time.  I will not let my disappointment discourage me or derail me.  Instead I will use it to push me forward.

Calgary Expo Musings & Memories Part 3: Thank you Calgary Expo!

As I sat down to write about my experiences this year at the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo I quickly realized I had too much to say for one entry.  This is the final entry.  I have loved sharing my memories.  I can’t wait to do it all again next year.  Happy reading!

You can check out part 1here. 

You can check out part 2here.  

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Every once and a while your best laid plans get turned around.  My original plan for this 3^rd blog entry was a list of the things that I have learned because of the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo but it’s not really turning out the way I had thought it might. As I started writing it became apparent that what I really wanted this last entry to be is a thank you to all the people who work so hard to pull the expo off.

I have spent some time the last couple of days looking through my previous Expo scrapbook albums.  I have been attending the Calgary Expo since 2012.  As I look through all the photos and stories and blog entries that I have kept, I have come to realize just how many memories and moments I owe to Calgary Expo.  This year has been an exceptional year for making memories and having special moments but the truth is that every year I seemed to be blessed with amazing memories.  Each year as the weekend comes to an end I say the same thing, “this has been the best expo yet.”  And each year I mean it.  I also question each year if everyone over in Expo headquarters will actually be able to make the following year even better.  2017 is going to be a hard year to beat but I’m really looking forward to seeing what will come.

In looking back I decided to do a little counting and between the six Calgary Expos (counting this year) I have attended and the one Edmonton Expo I was actually shocked by just how many celebrity guests I have met either for photo ops or for autographs or in a lot of cases both.  I apparently have had 51 photos taken and got 60 autographs.  That is 111 moments in the past 5 years that I have loved.  Sure some of those moments were more powerful or memorable than others but all of them have been something I looked forward to and anticipated for different reasons.  I also have been privileged enough to see many many panels.  I have heard stories and jokes and great accents, all of which add to the memories I take away each year.  I will say this, for as many interactions I have had there has only been 1 that I probably would have chosen to change if I had to do it again.  That’s a pretty awesome batting average and in reality even that one memory ended up with a silver lining that made for a special moment. 

None of these amazing moments and memories would have happened if it wasn’t for the hard work of all the volunteers and staff at Expo.  How can I not be filled with gratitude?  I have funny stories, moving stories and even a couple embarrassing stories that I will forever get to share all because of the hard work a team does behind the scenes.  I get to sound cool and exciting at least once and a while when conversations turn to things like television or movies.  I never had a lot of stories to share before expo but now I can hold my own when I start talking with friends. 

At least once a year I also get to go and hang out in one of the most accepting places on earth.  It is a place that I can let my walls down, celebrating the things I love and just be myself.  I am forever grateful to know that there is a place like this.  Each year I attend it renews my spirit and reminds me that I’m okay just the way I am.  It leaves me feeling better about myself and about accepting the things I love.  Over the last five years I have gone from being a geek that hid her interests away to someone who now is willing to share them with everyone.

To all the staff and volunteers at Calgary Expo I thank you.  I know that you guys have to work hard so that all of us fans can have a good time.  We take you for granted when things go right and curse you when things go wrong.  What we should be doing is celebrating you and appreciating you.  Next year I will continue to try and remember the bigger picture and all you have brought into my life.  I will try to show my gratitude as I pass each of you hurrying around.

Thank you for making my dreams come true and for making dreams come true that I didn’t know I wanted.  Thank you for all the hard work so that I don’t have to see when things are going wrong.  Thank you for the smiles and help you have always offered.  Thank you for always trying to improve and get better.  I can’t wait to see where you go next year.   I look forward to all the new memories that I will make.

Calgary Expo Musings & Memories Part 2

Some Memories Deserve to Stand Alone

As I sat down to write about my experiences this year at the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo I quickly realized I had too much to say for one entry.  This is now part 2 of 3, with the last to follow tomorrow.  I apologize now for the length of this entry.  It has been rewritten and reworked many times since Saturday.  It’s funny how living the moment and experiencing the changes that came, were so much easier than trying to share it and explain it.  Happy reading!

You can check out part one here.  

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I have always felt that if you see goodness in the world that it should be recognized, celebrated and shared.  Our world seems to spend a lot of time sharing and talking about the negative and sometimes you just need to see that there is some light in it.  This is the main reason that I wanted to share this memory and experience by itself.  Meeting Raphael Sbarge at the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo this past weekend brought some light into my world. 

I love and look forward to Calgary Expo every year.  Most of the people I work with know that come April they shouldn’t even ask me about it because it will get me babbling away like a goof.  I always know that it is going to be a fun weekend, where I get to meet my some of my long time crushes, actors & actresses I admire, and just get to be surrounded by a lot of really cool people and things.  It is a place where everyone is accepted no matter what.  It is one of the few times I can be in a large group of people and not feel judged.  This year started off a bit different for me though.  For the first time ever I found myself noticing people staring at me and even sadly heard a few whispered comments that I wish I hadn’t.  It put me in a weird head space for Thursday and Friday and once I was in that head space it was hard to ignore the looks that all seemed to be directed at me.  I have no doubt this mood and sensitivity would have continued for the weekend but then I got to witness something that changed my whole mind set and opened me up to what became one of the best weekends I have experienced.

On Friday at my last photo op of the day I got in line.  I was looking forward to the picture but not super excited.  I mean it was following after my Boy Meets World photo which I had been looking forward to for months and it was also the end of the day so I was a little tired.  I was happy to be there but not my usual super-excited-crazy-expo-Jill happy.  Don’t get me wrong, Once Upon a Time is one of my favourite shows and Raphael plays one of my favourite characters on the show (not to mention he has guest starred in a lot of my other favourite shows) but if I’m being completely truthful, had another guest not cancelled I probably wouldn’t have even done the photo op.  It’s funny how things work out though because now I wouldn’t trade the photo and moments that went with it for the world.

I planned to go in smile, pick up my photo and then head home.  What happened though was completely unexpected to me in the very best way.  In front of me was a lady who was in an electric scooter.  She was struggling to try and get up so she could stand for her photo.  I watched as Raphael walked over to her and offered to help.  He then walked with her to the mark for the photo, talking to her the whole time.  I could feel the compassion and warmth in that photo booth.  In a place that is usually so hurried and rushed it was refreshing to see the pace slow down so one fan could have an amazing experience.  After the photo was taken he walked her back and then joined me.  He thanked me for my patience before asking my name.  The photo was taken and I left deeply moved by what I had just seen.  As crazy as this is going to sound I actually felt lighter and happier just by being there to witness that moment.  I can only imagine what it would have felt like for that lady.

To put this into perspective I should explain a little bit about myself because it will totally make more sense why this moved me so deeply.  When I was two years old my mom had a stroke.  This was many years ago and they didn’t have near the knowledge or drugs to help reverse the damage a stroke can cause so my mom was left with mobility issues.  The stroke damage caused my mom's left side to no longer really function.  She has always had to walk with a cane and or use a scooter to get around and she has never in my memory been able to use her left hand.  I don’t know her any other way, although one of my favourite childhood photos is of me as a baby and my mom’s legs.  She was skating and pulling me in a sled around Bowness Park.  Another favourite is of her crouched down and watching me trying to walk.  I don't remember her this way but the photos always make me wonder what if.

Growing up with a mom who is disabled wasn’t always easy.  I often wondered what it would be like if I had a “normal” family but the reality is for all the struggles I wouldn’t change a thing because it sure taught me a lot.  I watched how she was treated, both good and bad, and learned a lot about the world from her experiences.  I learned a lot about how I want to treat people from it as well.  It’s not always easy and as an adult I often have to remind myself to have patience with her, especially when we travel, but I continue to strive to be kind to her.  A huge part of the reason I am the way I am is because of her and I love her for it.  I’m proud of my mom and her strength.  My empathy, compassion and desire to make a difference all come from watching her.

The kindness and compassion Raphael showed to that woman in front of me really struck a chord because of my mom.  I knew that I wanted to be able to say thank you for it.  I was filled with gratitude for him because it’s people like him that have always shown kindness to my mom as well.  I went home Friday night and thought a lot about that moment.  I went back and forth trying to decide if I was actually going to say anything when I went to get my autograph.  The true memory and moment belong to the woman in front of me and should be hers to share but I still felt changed by experiencing it so it left me feeling a little conflicted.  I thought about it and wrote about it that night and when I headed back to the Expo Saturday morning I still didn’t know if I was going to say anything, right up until Raphael smiled at me and asked how the photo turned out.  Well suddenly all the emotion of the night before (and probably also a little amplified due to lack of sleep) came flooding back and I knew sharing my gratitude was the right thing to do.

So I shared my thank you and gratitude for the moment.  I told him a little about my story although probably not very elegantly.  He patiently listened and responded back.  I don’t know that I made a whole lot of sense but he showed me a lot of kindness just by listening.  The whole time he had the warmest smile on his face.  He reached out and touched my hand once or twice which let me feel connected and at ease.  It let me be open, honest and pour my heart out a little.  It was such a sweet moment in which I felt vulnerable and unguarded.  He was charming and friendly.  He made me laugh when he said he had to stop for a second because it was tricky to write and talk.  I had his full attention for a few minutes and I felt like the only person in the world.  It probably helped that there was no one in line so I didn’t feel like I need to rush off.

I had planned to just say my thank you and go but he kept me talking.  I think in a way that was almost the best part.  I got to share my thank you but still got to have a really interesting separate conversation with him so I could have a moment that was all mine.  He asked me about Once Upon a Time and I told him how I loved it because it appealed to the writer in me because it was such a cool concept.  The moment that touched me the most in this part of the conversation though was when he asked me what I wrote.  You wouldn’t think this would be a big deal but it really made me feel important and special.  I’m there to meet him and yet he was taking a little bit of time to ask about me.  Again like in the photo op I could just feel his kindness and spirit (that sounds so fluffy but it’s the only way I can think to explain it). 

After signing my photo and taking a selfie with me he then gave me a hug.  Now I have often gotten hugs at Expo (never because I ask…I’m too shy for that…but because if they offered who is going to say no) and the thing with them is there never feel overly personal or special.  With Raphael this was not the case.  The hug he gave was a good and proper hug.  I have no doubt he could feel me shaking so he might have been terrified I was going to faint or something but it was amazing none the less.  Heheh!  If there was any doubt in my mind what type of guy he was, it was gone after that.  I thanked him again and said it was great to meet him.  I then quickly walked away because I could feel the tears starting.  No one at a convention no matter how excited or how cool the interaction, has ever left me feeling so emotional in such a good way or any way for that matter.  He is also the first to ever make me cry at the Expo (although John Barrowman came close last year for similar reasons).  I walked away feeling like a better person for having been around him.  I suspect from the stories I have been hearing he is always like this and I’m not all that special but it made a huge impression on me.

The reality of my life is that I often don’t get to see the best in people.  I have spent years being treated differently or judged because of how I look.  It has left me guarded in a lot of ways, which I have been working hard to change.  So to come across someone who doesn’t know me but was still so open and genuine with me made my day and weekend.  I felt accepted and valued in that moment.  It was a fantastic feeling.

It doesn’t take much to be nice to people but I believe to truly show kindness the way Raphael did, does take a special person.  I don’t think it is something you can fake.  It made me want to do something to show my gratitude and appreciation back which is why I asked Elisa to draw me the little Jiminy Cricket sketch that I shared yesterday.  I also made a little thank you card and wrote a letter so I could explain in better words what the experience of meeting him meant to me.  Selfishly I knew doing this would also mean that I could go back and talk to him again for a few minutes but mostly I just wanted him to know he made a difference in my world. 

First thing Sunday morning I stopped by his booth again to drop it all off.  I wish I had prepared a bit better what I wanted to say because as incoherent as I was on Saturday it was worse on Sunday.  There were others in line and I had already had my time with him so I sort of rushed through not wanting to take away from the other fans time.  I’m not going to lie I was also terrified I would start to cry in front of him and I didn’t want that to happen.  As awkward as I felt, he was amazing and friendly again.  I didn’t give him much of a chance to say anything this time (babbling Jill had taken over and she is hard to shut up) but he took it in stride.  Before I left he came around the table again gave me another good real hug.  I felt that hug all day.

I have been sharing this story with most of my friends and every time I struggle to try and put it into words what happened and its impact.  Every time I share it I feel the same swell of my heart.  The joy and happiness that was brought in to my world by meeting one person is beyond anything I could have hoped or imagined.  It was such an amazing experience.  I feel honoured and privileged to have gotten to meet Raphael Sbarge.  He left a huge impression on me.  He flipped my whole mood around in a few moments.  When I think of my 2017 Expo experience the memory of meeting him will be the first that pops into my head, even with all the other cool moments I talked about yesterday.  I can promise that if he was to come back I would be the first in line again.  What a classy and lovely man.  It might sound a little (okay a lot) cliché but I think the world is a better place with someone like him in it.  I also think we could do with a whole lot more people like him.  I for one will remember his patience and kindness the next time I’m getting frustrated by a situation or a person.

I learned and relearned many lessons this weekend (see tomorrow’s blog…hehe) and I have to say that at least a few of them are a direct result of meeting and interacting with Raphael.  So from the bottom of my heart, should you ever read this Raphael, I thank you for coming and for being so genuine and real.  It was a privilege to have met you.  You have made a fan for life…well okay I was already a fan for life but now I can appreciate you on a different level.  I will forever be grateful for those few interactions.  Sending you my love and gratitude.

“A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are things that renew humanity.” - Buddha

Calgary Expo Musings & Memories Part 1

As I sat down to write about my experiences this at the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo I quickly realized I had too much to say for one entry.  This is now part 1 of 3.  The other two will follow over the next couple of days.  One day I promise I’ll learn the art of being brief…maybe ;-)  Happy reading!

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I look forward to my weekend adventures at the Calgary Expo every year.  Each time as it ends I think to myself it was the best year yet.  2017 was no different.  It was another fantastic year, with amazing guests, lots of time with friends and great panels. I have no clue how the team at Calgary Expo will top themselves next year but I can’t wait to find out.  In the meantime I want to share a few of my favourite moments from this year.  They are a mix of celebrity guest moments and just cool happy Jill moments.

1. OMG I’m 37 going on 16!

One of my favourite guest announcements this year was when it was announced that Boy Meets World cast members, Will Friedle and Rider Strong were going to be in Calgary this year.  I love that show.  I didn’t get to watch most of it as it aired because we didn’t have cable but anytime I was babysitting on a Friday night it would get put on.  I got to see the final couple seasons though while I was away at university.  I was hooked.  As soon as it got released on DVD it ended up in my collection.  I fully admit that I watch all 7 seasons at least once a year.  I also admit that when I want something that will just make me smile I will stick on some of my favourite episodes.  Of all the tv shows that I own this is probably the second most often watched in my house (the first being MASH).  I was not disappointed by getting to meet them.  Both guys were super friendly.  Meeting them left me shaking and giggling like I was a teenager again.  It was so cool and fun.  Their panel was also my favourite of the expo.  It was fun listening them share stories and tease each other.  I do blame them for the craving of pizza that popped up as they discussed the pros and cons of pineapple on pizza.  Hehehe.  Both guys were super charming, funny and I wanted the panel to last forever. 

2. It is only crazy if your friends don’t agree to it!

This year was definitely a year for seeing friends at Expo.  After the first day I quickly made the decision that I wanted to try and do a selfie with all of them and tried to make that happen.  This turned out to create a very fun time and made me very grateful that my friends are all so willing to put up with my crazy, even the ones who hate having their pictures taken.  (The best part is it’s going to make a really cool scrapbook page to match with the celeb selfie scrapbook page…it’s all the people I love famous and not in one spot.)  This year gave me the chance to catch up with a good friend from high school that I lost touch with.  It also gave me the chance to continue to work on building some of my newer friendships.  I have done the whole expo thing on my own enough to know that it is way more fun with friends.  Who else can you run to after meeting your favourite guests, jumping up and down or near tears or who can you laugh with when you are so tired from standing in line you can’t help but wonder what random stains are?  Expo is always fun but when I get to share it with my friends it means that much more and usually means I have a lot more laughs.  I’m grateful every day for the friends in my life.  I’m a very bless woman.

3.  Can you come over and read me to sleep, please?

I might have a list of people that I would love to read me to sleep.  They are people (famous and not) that have voices that I could listen to forever.  After hanging out at a handful of panels I added a few more names to the list.  I have decided that I’m in love with the voices of John Cusack, Adrian Paul, James Marsters and especially Wallace Shawn.  Truth be told Wallace Shawn has been on the list for years but it was super cool to get to hear him in person again.  Just like when I listened to him in Edmonton I could totally close my eyes and picture Rex from Toy Story.  Also really you know he would probably do all the voices when he was reading.  LOL  As much as I love watching these guys act it’s totally their voices that have me captured.

4. Is this weird or is it just me?

You are never sure what will happen when hanging out at the Expo.  I have experienced all sorts of different things from fun to crazy to a little strange.  This year all of those happened in one moment.  On Sunday morning I went to get James Marsters autograph.  He greeted me and we chatted a little bit and then said hold on a second so I can chug my drink.  He told me what it was, some sort of electrolyte juice stuff from England.  He then upending the water bottle and downed very nearly the whole thing in one gulp.  I just started giggling because when I feel awkward it’s my natural reaction.  I didn’t know where to look.  It was odd and distracting and just thinking about it makes me giggle.  I totally had visions of him starting to laugh and me getting sprayed by it.  Every time I look at my Spike autograph I know I’m going to laugh.  He was super charming and lovely but seriously what a moment and damn he can chug a drink.  LOL

5.  I think I just travelled back in time!

18 years ago my very first boyfriend came to visit me in Lethbridge to meet me.  He took me on my very first date to the local theatre where we saw Dogma and I was introduced to Jay and Silent Bob for the first time.  He then took it upon himself to educate me on all the movies I had been missing.  I was hooked.  So when Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes were announced I messaged him right away.  We have stayed friends and I knew there was no one else that would be better suited to share my photo with.  It was totally cool to share the moment with him and it is definitely my all-time favourite photo.  It also helps that Smith and Mewes were super sweet and friendly.  I’m also glad to have a friend in line while I waited for that photo.  It made it a whole lot more fun and manageable. 

6.  Did that just happen?

Two media guests that I found myself a little star struck by were John Cusack and Jeremy Renner.  I found both to be quite nice and friendly.  Both autographs and photos were quick, which is understandable when you consider the size of their lines but I was still happy to have met both of them.  In another year they probably both would have been in my top moments but this year they did have some big competition from unexpected sources.  That being said I love the fact that I got to tell both I admire them and their work. 

7.  I have the sweetest friends.

This one matches up with number 2 sort of.  One of my more recent friendships is with the very talented artist Elisa Friesen.  You can check out her stuff here.  I met her through another friend and over the last year or so we have gotten to know each other.  I have had her create a couple pictures for me and I love the look of the stuff she brought with her both to Edmonton Expo last September and this year’s Calgary Expo.  Saturday when I decided I needed to get a thank you gift for one of the guests I messaged her to see if she had anything.  She didn’t but was quick to say she would draw something for me.  I was blown away when she did this amazing little Jiminy Cricket sketch and a very short amount of time.  It was one of the sweetest things someone has ever done for me.  Thank you Elisa for being so wonderful and for humouring my version of crazy.

8.  Unexpected things happen when you need them the most/you never know what will impact you.

This memory/experience/moment is something that has turned in to part 2 of this entry.  It is also the reason I was hunting for the thank you gift from above.  Meeting Raphael Sbarge made my entire expo.  It started on Friday with the photo op, continued through Saturday when I got his autograph and finished on Sunday when I said thank you one last time.  I’m so grateful to have had the chance to meet him.  I have no doubt that my expo would have been a completely different experience had the few moments I shared with him not happened, but more on that tomorrow.

I will look back on the 2017 Calgary Expo with a lot of fond memories and experiences.  It is a weekend that left me feeling recharged, lighter and happier.  It was the weekend I have needed for a long time.  As I adjust back to my boring world it’s always hard not to feel a little sad it’s all over but at least getting a chance to write about it lets me carry the feeling and memories forward for a bit more.

I want to end part one with a thank you.  It is a thank you to all the staff and volunteers that helped to make Calgary Expo great.  I’m grateful for all that you did and do because without you guys I don’t get the opportunities to have such amazing, lifelong memories.  You all have my heart and gratitude.

No Spend March

It is hard to believe we have already arrived in April.  March was an interesting month for me because I decided to challenge myself to try a no spend month.  It was an idea I saw a lot of online in January and as I having been continuing to work towards buying my own place at the end of the year or beginning of next it was an idea that I kept and let float around in my brain.  I learned a lot and found it to be a very good challenge for myself and so I wanted to share it here. 

I had been thinking about doing a no spend month for March off and on through February as I was working on my vacation plans and budgets.  I could see that to be able to do all I want to do this year that I would need to find a way to save a little extra money.  The final straw though that set my no spend March into motion was when I went to put some groceries away in my deep freeze.  For whatever reason it really hit me at how full my deep freeze was, I could tell I had enough food in it to feed a small army.  As a single person I rationally realized that I should not have a deep freeze that looks as full as mine did so I made the decision that it was time to clean it out.  The ball was rolling and I knew that in March I was not going to buy a single thing to go into that deep freeze.

The next steps I think are what made my month such a success.  The first thing I did was to create a full inventory of the food I had in my house.  This included doing an inventory on the very full deep freeze, my equally full pantry as well as my main fridge and freezer.  This gave me a two page list of food that I had to available for me to use, which also shocked me.  I mean how many times have I stopped to pick up fast food because I thought I had nothing to cook in my house?  LOL!  Having this inventory helped me meal plan for the whole month of March and it became a fantastic tool, I have even created a new and happily a slightly smaller inventory for April.

The second step was to create a list of exceptions to my no spend month, a set of rules so I knew if I was successful or not.  I’m sure that aside from bills it is probably possible to not spend at all but I know for myself that I needed to have a little wiggle room but I also knew that if I didn’t have specific rules it would be easy to cheat my way through the month.  I thought long and hard over what would be reasonable exceptions and these are the 4 I came up with which worked for me.  The first exception was that I could still do dinner out on March 2 and 7.  These were pre-exisiting dates where I would be doing things right after work so needed to be able to eat first.  The second exception could have been included with the first I suppose, but it was that I could go for my end of month drinks with the people I work with.  The third exception was that I could still buy fresh fruit, veggies and dairy because as much as I want to save money, this stuff goes bad and I’m not willing to sacrifice them to prove to myself I can stop spending. The last exception was that I could buy gas for my car.  I’m not at the point I can walk to work and taking the bus would also cost so gas it was.  Of course obviously bills were also going to be paid but I didn’t record it as an exception because it felt like common sense to me. 

My last step was to decide on a reward.  What could I give myself if I made it to the end of the month without spending?  Well of course the obvious answer to that was that I could use the money saved towards my vacations and my Expo weekend.  With all these steps worked through I knew I needed a way to keep myself accountable so I made a pretty page in my bullet journal to record and document the challenge.  I have learned that for me having a visual representation is incredibly helpful and motivating.  I often turned to this page during my month so I could remind myself where I was, what I wanted and what I would get when I finished.  

With the challenge all planned out I was actually really excited for March 1 so I could start.  Once the calendar flipped over and things got going I quickly realized that this wasn’t going to be the easy task that I had thought it would be.  Starting right from day 1, I found myself having to confront some of my strongest cravings, desires and triggers.  There were many little challenges that I ended up having to deal with as I took on the bigger no spend challenge.  Looking back now from the end of the no spend month though I realize that each of these little challenges are not only what taught me the most about my spending habits but they also helped to show me how possible it is to change something if you want it bad enough.

Cravings were probably the hardest of these smaller roadblocks that I had to face.  I didn’t realize how much of the time I tend to give into these cravings normally until I was actively having to tell myself no.  Everything from wanting to pick up A&W after a long day or grabbing popcorn at a movie or non-food related cravings like buying movies or books as soon as they are released were things I had to fight against in March.  I did expect that I would have food cravings so this wasn’t surprising .  I have also become fairly good at dealing with these from working to lose weight but what did surprise me was how hard the desire to buy certain books or movies was.  I never would have thought of them as cravings before but after last month I can see that they certainly can be.  How I dealt with these cravings, food and otherwise, was to remind myself that giving this stuff up even temporarily would help me be able to get closer to my longer term goals.  Knowing that if I don’t go to A&W I would have an extra $15 to go towards buying my John Cusack photo op for example was a very good incentive.  The other thing I reminded myself especially for the non-food cravings was that if I still wanted the movie or book or whatever at the end of the month then I will have money to be able to buy them with.  What I didn’t actively realize at the time was that this is just another way of using the whole concept of reframing.  Reframing is a tool I have been using for a while now when it comes to my weight loss but not something I had really applied to other aspects of my life. It is a powerful tool in training your brain to do something different than you have always done it.  It also reminded me that if I stop and think about something and take impulse out of it I will typically make better decisions or at the very least make a more informed decision.

The other challenge that was also hard was changing how I shopped.  I am horrible for going to get groceries and leaving with a whole bunch of items that were never on my list to start with.  Typically when I shop I walk up and down all the aisles and see what’s on sale as I pick up the items on my grocery list.  This I now realize is a huge mistake for me.  If I see it on sale and I know it’s something I will use or use often it ends up in my cart.  Sure I might save a little bit but if I don’t actually need it at that moment is it really saving me money or is it just taking up space in my house?  Not only that though, as I’m wandering up and down those aisles, I also have to go past a lot of foods that I don’t need but that I think I want (chips, chocolate, etc.).  These have often ended up in my cart just because I’m walking past them and if I’m already spending money already it’s easy to justify a couple dollars more on that bag of chips because it’s only a couple dollars more.  Typically my weekly grocery bills were running about $100 a trip.  I have been doing this for years and it is built in my budget so that I can afford it.  What I realized though over the last month is that I actually don’t need to be spending that much money on groceries.  Over the month of March my average grocery bill was always between $30 and $40.  Even adding meat and other items back in I should not have to spend $100 per week to feed myself.  It was really eye opening to see this and to realize how much money I could be saving with a tighter grocery budget.

The month wasn’t all hard though.  I had some positive surprises come out of the month too.  The first was the amount of time I saved when I went grocery shopping.  With all the hobbies, commitments and activities I have on my plate, time is probably just as valuable as money.  My weekly grocery shopping trips went from being an hour or more down to being able to be in and out of the store in 30 minutes or less.  I always went in with my list and because I was only buying fresh produce and dairy I had to hit two spots and then I was good to go.  It was amazing.

The other surprise was that I could actually make treats last.  One of my last grocery trips in February I had picked up a bag of sweet potato chips.  Anyone that knows me will probably tell you that I don’t buy potato chips in any form because when they are in my house I have no will power for them.  If they are in my house they will be eaten within a day or two.  Knowing that this bag of chips had to last me for a month before I could buy any more, meant that I was much more careful about how much and how often I let myself have them.  And in fact I still have enough in the bag to enjoy with a burger later on today.  I’m very pleased with this.  I still don’t think chips will ever be something I regularly bring in my house but it is nice to know that I might actually be able to deal with them in moderation if I want.

All the challenges and surprises aside I guess what probably matters the most is the results.  Overall I’m extremely happy with the month and how it turned out.  Just in terms of money, I ended up saving a total of $377.58 in my budget jars.  I was hoping for around $500 but I’m really happy with the amount I did save.  Also in terms of money I am super happy to report that my entertainment jar and my miscellaneous jar went from being in the red at the start of March to each actually having money in them so that I can use them again going forward.  What is probably going to seem a little surprising when it comes to the money saved though is that although my plan was use that money as a reward to go towards my vacations and Expo I have actually decided to hold on to it and just see if I can keep adding to it.  The budget I worked out at the beginning of the year will give me enough money to do my vacations and to do at least some of the photos and autographs that I want at Expo so that almost $400 saved will probably be better used by saving it for something else in the future (possibly a new laptop).

The importance of saving extra money notwithstanding, I also discovered some other amazing secondary results that came out of this challenge.  The first is that I have a pantry that I can see in and actually be able to put things away in.  It feels amazing to see a clean and organized pantry which makes cooking a lot more enjoyable and easy.  The second is that I actually lost a little less than 3 pounds this month.  I’m not really surprised by this because I did expect that with not eating out as much and not buying treats at the grocery store that I should see some weight loss results but it’s still pretty amazing to look back on the month and see it actually happened.

After all the work I put into saving money in March the real question is what’s next?  As March was winding down I started to think about what I was going to carry forward with me into April from this challenge.  The first thing is that at least in a modified version, I’m going to be continuing with the no spend idea.  I still have a pretty full freezer and I want to keep using it up so at least for the month of April I still have no intentions of buying anything that needs to go into my freezer.  I have also decided to make some permanent changes in how I deal with eating out and grocery shopping.  At the start of each month I’m going to decide what days I’m going to treat myself to dinner or lunches out so that I don’t just do it whenever the mood strikes me.  I am also going to be limiting my grocery shopping a bit.  The first grocery trip of the month will include a list of anything that I need/want for the house but after that for the remainder of the month I will be sticking to just fresh fruit, veggies and dairy. 

As I enter into the month that I know will be one of the most expensive, with the exception of September when I go on a cruise, I’m excited to know that I have better control on my spending.  I’m pleased with how March turned out.  I look back on the month and don’t feel like I really missed out on anything because I was watching my money.  I still got to do a lot of things that I love as well as spend time with people I love.  I do feel like I gained a great deal of information about myself and how I spend my money.  I also feel like I gained a little more confidence knowing that I can challenge myself and not only rise to the challenge but be successful at it.  I highly recommend everyone to try a challenge like this and I’m super excited because I know at least two of my friends are trying a no spend April.  I hope that they find it as useful and eye opening as I found my month.