Ready or Not, 10K Try Number Two

It’s official, I have registered for the Scotiabank Calgary Marathon Jugo Juice 10K once again.  I have known since I tapped out of last year’s attempt that I would go back and try again.  Yet it has taken me forever to actually convince myself to register.  I completely admit that dragging my feet was entirely because I have a large amount of fear now around the 10k distance.

Last year was heartbreaking and tough for me.  You can read about it here.  The sense of disappointment I felt last year is still just as strong as I write this blog entry now.  The biggest reason for taking so long to register for the race is honestly because I’m terrified that when I make my second attempt at this distance that I won’t be able to do it and have to quit again.  I’m not sure I can handle failing for a second time which is why the only solution is that I just can’t quit this time.

I am already working hard to making 2018 my best and most successful year yet.  Part of that success definitely needs to be checking the 10K off of my to-do list.  When looking back over the events of last year, one of my biggest issues was the lack of consistency leading up to the race.  My training was all over the place as was my commitment to eating well.  I spent all my time saying next week will be better until I was out of weeks.  I am not doing that this year.

Already in place to make me more successful this year is tracking my food.  I can confidently say that I’m back to regularly tracking all the food that I’m eating.  About 6 weeks ago the Weight Watcher’s program changed a bit and when it did I made the decision to embrace it and really apply myself again to the program.  Since then I have not missed a single day of tracking.  In the past 6 weeks, although I may have missed some snacks and guessed at some points for others, my tracking has been solid.  With solid tracking I have been once again seeing my weight start to come steadily down again.  This is a huge win that will help me so that on May 27^th I will be as small as I can get between now and then.

With my food under control I am turning my attention to my actually training plan.  I am going to be running three times a week and going for distance walks once a week.  For the past 3 months I have been working to make sure I’m including some form of physical activity in each of my days.  I’m not always 100% compliant but I have begun to re-establish that sense of routine of exercise into my life.  What is still in much need of work though is getting back to the gym regularly again.  There was a time I considered myself a bit of gym regular.   I knew lots of people and felt like I belonged.  I’m not there right now though.  That will be changing again though.  I want to be a fixture again.  I want to be noticed and seen there.  I want to make sure that when it comes to the race I will be able to confidently say that I did all the training I could and that I’m as strong as I possibly can be.

I have 18 weeks to get myself race ready.  I have 18 weeks to channel my terror in a positive direction so that I can rewrite that voice in my head that still plagues me with doubt.  I have 18 weeks to correct the things that I did wrong last year in my training.  I have 18 weeks to get my game face on.  It is probably not surprising that I feel like the next 18 weeks are going to be terrifying but that they will also be 18 weeks that will be working to create a stronger, more confident version of myself. 

2018 10K or Bust!

Big Expectations – Welcome 2018!

I have to say that 2017 was a pretty interesting year.  It was a year that was full of a lot of good but still mixed with some hard lessons.  I feel like it was a year of rebuilding, relearning and rediscovering myself.  I think though it also set a really good foundation for 2018, which I think will be my best year yet.  It will at the very least be one of my most ambitious years.

Last year I created a list of 17 goals to complete in 2017.  If you want to see the original list you can look here.  It was an ambitious list much like my new 2018 one is but sadly I wasn’t able to accomplish as much of it as I would like.  Rather than talking about all of the goals I figured I would just share a few from the list that stand out for me, both good and bad though are as follows:

1. Meet my great nephew – Mathew was born happy and healthy on Feb 8^th.  It has been amazing to watch him grow the last 11 months as well as to see my youngest niece learn and grow as a mother.  He is an adorable, happy little baby and a great addition to our family.

2. Do a 10k Run – I really wanted to be able to say I completed this goal however it was not meant to be.  It ended up being one of my biggest disappointments to date in my life.  You can read about  my attempt here but long story short the weather was too warm and the start time too late so I didn’t think I could safely complete the race and ended up quitting.  The disappointment has helped to motivate me though so I expect when I repeat the race this year the outcome will be different.

3 and 4. Read 52 books and try 52 new recipes – I gave these a valiant effort.  I got more than half way through the recipes but then stopped counting.  For books I managed to read 40 of them.  I got a little bogged down when I decided to tackle Stephen King’s It. 

Aside from my list of goals, 2017 proved to be a tricky year for me emotionally in a lot of ways.  The start of the year was still fairly overshadowed as I was still trying to process and work my way through the grief of losing Nan in 2016. Of course there was the disappointment of the 10k race but this was also followed by an amazing road trip to Banff and Jasper with some girlfriends.  As summer faded to fall I enjoyed more joy as I headed on another cruise to Alaska with my Mom.  As fall became winter the mood shifted once again as I had to face some hard truths about my own lifestyle and my health while also being reminded that my parents may not be as young as I like to think of them.  All in all it was quite an up and down sort of year but I really do feel that it has let me grow more and surprisingly find a greater acceptance of who I am and what I want out of life. 

I’m incredibly grateful for all the things that 2017 taught me but I’m also ready to say goodbye to it so I can really test myself and see what I’m capable of in 2018.  So as ambitious as last year’s goals were, this year I have picked even more things to focus on.  I might regret it but I have set 21 goals for myself this year.  The difference this year over last year though is that I actually have timelines and plans for each goal.  I have built them into my everyday life so that when I get to the end of the year hopefully I will see a lot more completed goals.  Here are this year’s lofty goals.

1. As much as possible say yes to all invites that come my way.  (2017 I was feeling quite disconnected from friends and family and this year I want to change that.)

2. Send something (card, letter, postcard etc) to someone each week in the mail.  (I want to spread a little positivity and random fun.)

3. Do my Miracle Morning routine daily.  (This comes from the book Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod which I totally recommend reading.)

4. Read 6 ‘self-help’ style books.  (I want to work hard at improving myself this year.)

5. Run and complete my 10K come back race.  (Yep I’m heading back to the Calgary Scotiabank Marathon to try again, hopefully with much better results.)

6. Lose 100 pounds.  (This in itself is a lofty goal and it has been a long time since I set a weight related goal but I’m ready to really push myself.)

7. Pay off my Visa completely.  (It is super close and it all helps me get a little closer to being able to buy the home that I want.)

8.  Review/create a new budget to make sure it still matches my needs and then review it weekly to ensure I continue to stay on track.  (I have been working very hard at this goal since last year and it will continue to be a priority as I work towards owning my first home.)

9. Spend time each month practicing & working on my photography.  (I really enjoy this and feel like it needs to be something that is a major part of my life so I might as well get good at it.)

10. Spend time each week working on my novel.  (I haven’t spent as much time as I would like really working on my stories or my creative writing and that needs to change.)

11. Write a blog entry each week.  (I suspect this will actually be a challenging one for me but I have faith that with a little effort I can get it done.)

12. Clean, organize and pack up the house.  (This was on last year’s list and although it has been started I’m not anywhere near where I want to be so this year once again I’m going to keep working on it.)

13. Create a weekly cleaning schedule and follow it.  (This goes with 12 because the only way I can find time to do extra organizing is if I have all the other stuff done first.)

14. Finish all my half-finished scrapbooks.  (I think I have 4 books that are in progress and I want them to go away so that I can really work at catching up so that I’m able to work at scrapbooking current photos.)

15. Read 52 books (includes the 6 self-help).  (I’m determined that this will happen one of these years so it might as well be this year…hehehe.)

16. Get out once a week around people to do something I enjoy.  (This goes with my plan I have come up with to stop worrying about find a boyfriend and just enjoying life and embrace any connections that happen to come my way.)

17. Volunteer.  (This was on the 2017 list and I even had the chance to do it through work but sadly I ended up with a nasty cold and so I had to miss out when my team went but this year I will make it happen.)

18. Put aside $20/paycheck to use for some extra donations at Christmas.  (I’m not sure if I’ll adopt a second family or do some shoeboxes but I know that I want to give back more.)

19.  Practice daily gratitude.  (I have been keeping a gratitude jar for 3 years now so I’m not about to break that routine this year.)

20.  Practice daily meditation/silence.  (This is part of the miracle morning routine but also something I’m very much enjoying.  I want to ensure that I continue with it so it gets its own spot on the list.)

21. Find and make 52 new recipes.  (Yep I brought this one back again because I was having so much fun with it last year so I figured I might as well try it again.)

So there you have it.  I’m really going to be pushing myself this year but I’m also incredibly excited about it.  I look forward to getting to the end of 2018 and being able to look back and have a list of accomplishments to share.  I also look forward to reaching the end of the year even more confident in who I am and what I’m meant to do in this world.

It may be a week and a bit late but I do want to wish you all a very happy new year.  May you find much success, love and happiness in the upcoming year!  Much love and gratitude to all!

Remembering

For the last few weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking about my Nan.  I know that it was because we were coming up to the anniversary of her passing.  Today actually is the 1 year anniversary of that loss.  I am finding it hard to believe it’s already been a year although in a lot of ways it also seems like a very long time ago.  I have struggled all week to try and come up with the right words to share today and I still don’t know that I have them but I’m going to try. 

When we lose people we love I think it changes us or at least that is what it feels like to me.  I know that I felt like a different person after losing my friend, Will, and certainly over the last year I feel like I’m changing again.  It started while we were in the hospital after Nan had her stroke.  Watching and knowing that the clock was running out was hard for me.  It left me feeling conflicted.  I wasn’t ready to say goodbye but I also knew I didn’t want Nan to be suffering.  I didn’t know what to pray/hope for and that was hard for me.  It was the first time I have ever really felt like I didn’t have or know the right answer and that really shook me to my core.  It sent me on a journey to look inside to try and figure out what I believe in when it comes to life and death.  These aren’t easy things to sort out and even now I’m still very much still trying to sort it out.  I have spent a lot of time exploring the ideas of religion and spirituality.  I don’t know what I believe but I do know I want to figure it out.  That searching to sort it out has definitely made it feel like parts of me are being rewritten though hopefully for the better.

I think part of the reason I also feel like I’m changing is also because I felt a lot of regret after Nan’s passing.  I have been struggling with the fact that I feel like I should have spent more time with her, reached out to her more often and been around more.  There are so many more conversations we could have had.  Time is such a precious gift and we don’t know when it will run out but so often our pride or our own ideas or misconceptions get in the way of taking advantage of the time we have with the people we love.  I’m trying to learn from the regrets I felt with Nan, because I know that right now between friends and family there are people who if something was to happen to tomorrow I would have these regrets again.  I don’t have all the answers or even how to fix it but I am trying to figure that out as well.

While the last year has opened up a world of hard (big) questions I also am grateful that the last year has brought me moments where I have still felt Nan’s presence in my world.  The most memorable moment of this for me was one day while I was going through my dvds and I came across a picture of my Nan and my Uncle Geoff.  It was just in between a couple dvds.  Logically I know I probably put the picture on top of the dvds at one point when scrapbooking but the crazy thing is I hadn’t worked with those pictures in years and yet I know I go through my dvds all the time so it should have turned up before it did.  To me in that moment it was Nan’s way of saying hi and letting me know she is with Uncle Geoff again.  I felt both of them with me that day.

I have found that over the last year Nan is often in my thoughts.  Sometimes it’s when I’m making a cup of tea or when I’m watching some reality tv show.  Most often though thoughts of Nan come to me when I’m baking (or anytime I use my favourite cookbook because she gave it to me so many years ago).  I’m not sure why food and grandma’s are so entwined together but I know I’m not alone in thinking of Nan and food.  The one recipe that I keep trying to make that always makes me think of Nan when I make it, is her date square recipe.  This is also the one recipe I seem to struggle with, no doubt because I get distracted while I make it.  The very first time I made it I got all the way through, cooked it and then when it came out of the oven I thought this doesn’t look right.  I let it cool and cut it and tried it anyway.  Once I tasted it and then looked at the recipe I realized that I had switched around the amounts of brown sugar and rolled oats.  They were horribly sweet.  I had to toss them.  I right away tried to make a second batch and this time after using my flour I went to put the lid of it and ended up dropping the container on the floor sending a cloud of flour up to cover me and my whole kitchen.  At that moment I just started laughing until I had tears running down my face.  I could also clearly picture Nan laughing at me too.  It was one of those stories I wished I could have shared with her in person.  I have made that recipe several more times in the last year and although I haven’t had any more weird things go wrong I still can’t get it to turn out the way Nan’s did.  I doubt I ever will.

There are so many little things like that where I wish she was here so I could share the stories with her but I am grateful that for 37 years I got to have her in my life.  I have 37 years of memories (well okay probably not quite because I don’t really remember her from when I was baby) that I can pull up.  It has been amazing in a lot of ways because over the last year so many times random memories just pop up, things I haven’t thought about in years.  They are things that were locked away in the vault somewhere just waiting to be accessed.  The more I access them, the more that seem to keep popping up.  Ultimately it is these memories that have helped get me through the last year.  I want to end this blog sharing a few of them.  It is a letter I wrote in one of the draft version of this blog.  It is a letter I wish I could send to Nan but in a way I guess I am.

Dear Nan,

It has been a year and you are never far from my thoughts.  I find myself remembering so many moments we have shared.  I wish I could share these memories with you over a cup of tea but a letter will have to do.

While I was in BC I was surprised at how many memories kept popping up.  I remember hearing you scream in a gift shop after Geoff had put a fake snake over your purse or you sitting in the shade of the smallest tree because you had seen a garter snake where the rest of us were sitting.  I can see you walking around Butchart Gardens telling us the names of all the flowers.  And although I don’t know if it’s so much a memory or just my imagination but I can see you sitting at the dining room table with Grandma talking.  I love so much that you came with us to BC more than once.  I love that I have images of you and Grandma and Grandpa together.

It’s probably not that surprising that I have a lot of memories of you pop up when I’m in the kitchen at home.  I remember the times when you would come over before Christmas to help mom do Christmas baking; day long baking sprees that would leave the house smelling of vanilla and fresh baked treats. I can also see you sitting around the table enjoying dinner with us.  I also think of all the cakes you used to make for me, always white or lemon and with the most beautiful icing flowers with the little silver balls to decorate it.  Every time I open my Joy of Cooking book to get a new recipe or to use one of my old favourites I always think of you as well.  I find myself opening the front cover and looking at the inscription and missing you.

Also kitchen related (although yours not mine) one of my favourite memories that often comes back to me is the time that I brought my laptop and scanner over so I could scan some photos.  Sitting in your kitchen as you pulled out more pictures that you thought I would like, was amazing.  Each photo brought back a memory and a story for you that you shared with me.  I think I learned more about you that day than probably almost any time in my life.  I loved hearing about England and you growing up.  I can still picture your face and hear your voice, clear as if it was yesterday as you talked about your own memories.  I wish we had done more of that, I feel like there were so many more stories you could have shared.

There are so many images in my head of you that stand out.  I can see you standing in your kitchen or in your garden.  I remember walking Shadow with you and seeing your house all decorated for Christmas.  I see you at a picnic table with a cup a tea while we had some lunch out in Kananaskis or when we headed down to visit Uncle Geoff in Saskatchewan.  I see you sitting in your rocking chair watching tv or holding a cup of tea.  I see you “helping” me (actually doing all the work) clean out my closet when I was young.  I remember sharing meals with you and the shock on your face the first time I said okay to a cup of tea because normally I would say I didn’t want anything.  I remember your smile and your laugh and most of all I remember all the times you stood at your window to wave as we drove away.

For all the memories though what I miss the most and the memories that are the strongest and most tangible are the memories I have of hugging you hello or goodbye.  You always felt so tiny when I hugged you.  I can still feel how it felt if I close my eyes.  They always ended with a kiss on the cheek and a comment about you loving your Jilly Willy.  What I wouldn’t give for one more of your hugs.  I miss you every day Nan.  I wish we could have shared more memories together but I am grateful for all the memories I do have.

I will love you and remember you always and forever.  You are forever engrained in my mind, my imagination, my memories and my soul.

Other blog entries about Nan
Remembering a Remarkable Woman
Nan's Memorial