Remembering

For the last few weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking about my Nan.  I know that it was because we were coming up to the anniversary of her passing.  Today actually is the 1 year anniversary of that loss.  I am finding it hard to believe it’s already been a year although in a lot of ways it also seems like a very long time ago.  I have struggled all week to try and come up with the right words to share today and I still don’t know that I have them but I’m going to try. 

When we lose people we love I think it changes us or at least that is what it feels like to me.  I know that I felt like a different person after losing my friend, Will, and certainly over the last year I feel like I’m changing again.  It started while we were in the hospital after Nan had her stroke.  Watching and knowing that the clock was running out was hard for me.  It left me feeling conflicted.  I wasn’t ready to say goodbye but I also knew I didn’t want Nan to be suffering.  I didn’t know what to pray/hope for and that was hard for me.  It was the first time I have ever really felt like I didn’t have or know the right answer and that really shook me to my core.  It sent me on a journey to look inside to try and figure out what I believe in when it comes to life and death.  These aren’t easy things to sort out and even now I’m still very much still trying to sort it out.  I have spent a lot of time exploring the ideas of religion and spirituality.  I don’t know what I believe but I do know I want to figure it out.  That searching to sort it out has definitely made it feel like parts of me are being rewritten though hopefully for the better.

I think part of the reason I also feel like I’m changing is also because I felt a lot of regret after Nan’s passing.  I have been struggling with the fact that I feel like I should have spent more time with her, reached out to her more often and been around more.  There are so many more conversations we could have had.  Time is such a precious gift and we don’t know when it will run out but so often our pride or our own ideas or misconceptions get in the way of taking advantage of the time we have with the people we love.  I’m trying to learn from the regrets I felt with Nan, because I know that right now between friends and family there are people who if something was to happen to tomorrow I would have these regrets again.  I don’t have all the answers or even how to fix it but I am trying to figure that out as well.

While the last year has opened up a world of hard (big) questions I also am grateful that the last year has brought me moments where I have still felt Nan’s presence in my world.  The most memorable moment of this for me was one day while I was going through my dvds and I came across a picture of my Nan and my Uncle Geoff.  It was just in between a couple dvds.  Logically I know I probably put the picture on top of the dvds at one point when scrapbooking but the crazy thing is I hadn’t worked with those pictures in years and yet I know I go through my dvds all the time so it should have turned up before it did.  To me in that moment it was Nan’s way of saying hi and letting me know she is with Uncle Geoff again.  I felt both of them with me that day.

I have found that over the last year Nan is often in my thoughts.  Sometimes it’s when I’m making a cup of tea or when I’m watching some reality tv show.  Most often though thoughts of Nan come to me when I’m baking (or anytime I use my favourite cookbook because she gave it to me so many years ago).  I’m not sure why food and grandma’s are so entwined together but I know I’m not alone in thinking of Nan and food.  The one recipe that I keep trying to make that always makes me think of Nan when I make it, is her date square recipe.  This is also the one recipe I seem to struggle with, no doubt because I get distracted while I make it.  The very first time I made it I got all the way through, cooked it and then when it came out of the oven I thought this doesn’t look right.  I let it cool and cut it and tried it anyway.  Once I tasted it and then looked at the recipe I realized that I had switched around the amounts of brown sugar and rolled oats.  They were horribly sweet.  I had to toss them.  I right away tried to make a second batch and this time after using my flour I went to put the lid of it and ended up dropping the container on the floor sending a cloud of flour up to cover me and my whole kitchen.  At that moment I just started laughing until I had tears running down my face.  I could also clearly picture Nan laughing at me too.  It was one of those stories I wished I could have shared with her in person.  I have made that recipe several more times in the last year and although I haven’t had any more weird things go wrong I still can’t get it to turn out the way Nan’s did.  I doubt I ever will.

There are so many little things like that where I wish she was here so I could share the stories with her but I am grateful that for 37 years I got to have her in my life.  I have 37 years of memories (well okay probably not quite because I don’t really remember her from when I was baby) that I can pull up.  It has been amazing in a lot of ways because over the last year so many times random memories just pop up, things I haven’t thought about in years.  They are things that were locked away in the vault somewhere just waiting to be accessed.  The more I access them, the more that seem to keep popping up.  Ultimately it is these memories that have helped get me through the last year.  I want to end this blog sharing a few of them.  It is a letter I wrote in one of the draft version of this blog.  It is a letter I wish I could send to Nan but in a way I guess I am.

Dear Nan,

It has been a year and you are never far from my thoughts.  I find myself remembering so many moments we have shared.  I wish I could share these memories with you over a cup of tea but a letter will have to do.

While I was in BC I was surprised at how many memories kept popping up.  I remember hearing you scream in a gift shop after Geoff had put a fake snake over your purse or you sitting in the shade of the smallest tree because you had seen a garter snake where the rest of us were sitting.  I can see you walking around Butchart Gardens telling us the names of all the flowers.  And although I don’t know if it’s so much a memory or just my imagination but I can see you sitting at the dining room table with Grandma talking.  I love so much that you came with us to BC more than once.  I love that I have images of you and Grandma and Grandpa together.

It’s probably not that surprising that I have a lot of memories of you pop up when I’m in the kitchen at home.  I remember the times when you would come over before Christmas to help mom do Christmas baking; day long baking sprees that would leave the house smelling of vanilla and fresh baked treats. I can also see you sitting around the table enjoying dinner with us.  I also think of all the cakes you used to make for me, always white or lemon and with the most beautiful icing flowers with the little silver balls to decorate it.  Every time I open my Joy of Cooking book to get a new recipe or to use one of my old favourites I always think of you as well.  I find myself opening the front cover and looking at the inscription and missing you.

Also kitchen related (although yours not mine) one of my favourite memories that often comes back to me is the time that I brought my laptop and scanner over so I could scan some photos.  Sitting in your kitchen as you pulled out more pictures that you thought I would like, was amazing.  Each photo brought back a memory and a story for you that you shared with me.  I think I learned more about you that day than probably almost any time in my life.  I loved hearing about England and you growing up.  I can still picture your face and hear your voice, clear as if it was yesterday as you talked about your own memories.  I wish we had done more of that, I feel like there were so many more stories you could have shared.

There are so many images in my head of you that stand out.  I can see you standing in your kitchen or in your garden.  I remember walking Shadow with you and seeing your house all decorated for Christmas.  I see you at a picnic table with a cup a tea while we had some lunch out in Kananaskis or when we headed down to visit Uncle Geoff in Saskatchewan.  I see you sitting in your rocking chair watching tv or holding a cup of tea.  I see you “helping” me (actually doing all the work) clean out my closet when I was young.  I remember sharing meals with you and the shock on your face the first time I said okay to a cup of tea because normally I would say I didn’t want anything.  I remember your smile and your laugh and most of all I remember all the times you stood at your window to wave as we drove away.

For all the memories though what I miss the most and the memories that are the strongest and most tangible are the memories I have of hugging you hello or goodbye.  You always felt so tiny when I hugged you.  I can still feel how it felt if I close my eyes.  They always ended with a kiss on the cheek and a comment about you loving your Jilly Willy.  What I wouldn’t give for one more of your hugs.  I miss you every day Nan.  I wish we could have shared more memories together but I am grateful for all the memories I do have.

I will love you and remember you always and forever.  You are forever engrained in my mind, my imagination, my memories and my soul.

Other blog entries about Nan
Remembering a Remarkable Woman
Nan's Memorial

Disappointed - Next Year Will Be Different

This is not the blog entry I thought I would be writing tonight.  Today I went out to the Calgary Marathon with the plan and goal of completing my first 10km race.  I’m broken hearted and disappointed to say that it did not happen.  I’m still processing what happened and how it has left me feeling but I feel it’s still important to document the moment.  I would have written a blog entry if I had been successful so I should also write one even though I wasn’t.  I’ll apologize now if it’s not very coherent.  I’m still fighting back tears and my brain is still quite muddled.

There are probably a million little things that I could blame for my struggles with the race.  Things like the fact my legs were tired thanks to a fire alarm Friday which made me have to walk down from the 6^th floor or that I had to move the lawn on yesterday or maybe the fact that I had the joy of also dealing with cramps (sorry TMI).  Looking back on the race as short as it was for me, aside from the unplanned hiccups pre-race, I can see some very specific things that triggered me and set me off at the race to put me into the wrong headspace.   Without the right mindset everything seems impossible and that is in fact how I was feeling today.  Here is a list of the issues from today and how I can fix them for next time because there will be a next time.

The first of these triggers was the heat.  It was apparently about 17 degrees at the start of the race but the sun was beating down.  There was no shade and I could feel the heat radiating from my body even before we left.  I can’t change or predict the temperature of a race but I can continue to work on losing weight so hopefully there is less insulation trapping the heat in.  I also plan on making more of an effort to do warm weather training.

The second thing that set me off was not something I could have predicted.  My friend and I waited until the end of the group to start.  In my head this made the most sense because I knew I was going to be at the end anyway.  What threw me off though was when the race sweeper came up just to let us know she would be walking behind us but to just keep going and have fun.  I’m not sure why it threw me off but it did.  Being at the end made me feel like I was failing before I start.  Don’t get me wrong I knew I was going to end up at the end of this race but starting there was not a good place for me mentally.  So next time I plan to start towards the end but in with the group so hopefully I can feel less like I’m losing.

The third and fourth things that set me off were sort of tied together.  As I was walking along I saw the group in front of me getting further away.  I was also already at this point doubting my body and the ability to actually complete the 10k safely.  (I had visions of the first 5k I did in Canmore where I got to the end and almost fainted).  So as I saw the group getting further away and knowing I was walking with a friend I started to worry that if I had to drop out that she would be left on her own really far back from the rest of the 10k group.  I’m not sure how to fix this for next time, the only solutions I have right now are to do my next race on my own or to get faster.  LOL

By this point my brain was screaming to quit.  My body was hot.  My breathing was already struggling.  I was starting to battle the negative voice in my head but I was still trying to push through.  Then we passed the 1k mark and the final straw was when the volunteer said yah 1k done only 9 more to go.  I don’t know how to explain that moment but it was like something snapped.  The reality of what I was trying to do smacked me full on in the face and I was suddenly full of self-doubt. I lost the image in my head of me finishing the race.  Once the image was gone all the other factors made today feel impossible.  The only way to fix this is to just keep going.  I need to prove to myself that I can do it and that I’m ready to do it.  I need to keep pushing.  I need to keep trying.  Most of all I need to keep training.  I need to keep bringing my brain to the point where it wants to quit and push through it to help make my mental game stronger. 

When I made the decision to stop I was close enough to walk back and I did in tears. Of all the things I have and haven’t done in my life this one really hit hard.  I pride myself on my ability to push through things.  I’m stubborn and proud of it.  It has served me well in a lot of ways.  Today I couldn’t find that determination.  Today it felt like all the odds were against me.

The other reality of this race is something that extends further than just what happened today.  I have been struggling to find my motivation for a while now.  My work outs have been all over the place and nothing even close to consistent.  My eating and meal planning have been very much in the same boat.  I should have been working to set myself up for success but instead I procrastinated my way through promising that next week would be better until next week was race week.  This is probably why today was so hard on my soul.  It would be one thing to quit and know that I had tried my best but it’s another to quit and now that I could have done more.

I think the hardest thing about today though is now I don’t know if I could have done it.  In the moment I know that I was pretty sure my body wouldn’t hold up for the whole 10k.  Having watched the 10k race run on tv and seeing how little shade there was on the route I’m fairly confident that I did make the right decision to stop because of my body.  I strongly suspect if I had pushed through and kept going I would have been in rough shape at the end and battling dehydration.  In spite of this thought though the reality is that sadly I will always have the question of if I was right or if I just let my negative self-talk get the better of me.  I try really hard to live without regret.   I need to find a way to make sure this doesn’t become something I regret but merely a blip on a bigger journey.

So that leaves us with one big question…what now?  Well I know that I never want to feel as disappointed in myself again.  I plan on keeping my bib from today’s race somewhere I can see it as a  reminder of what it feels like to give up on myself.  I don’t want to forget the way I felt walking away from a goal.  I am going to use that memory and feeling to help push me so that I will be better next time.

There is a quote that I found by Henry Ford that sums up my mindset.  “Failure is only the opportunity to begin again this time more intelligently.”  I can turn today’s struggles into something amazing.  As cool as it would have been to cross the finish line today it is going to be even sweeter when I cross the finish line after failing today.  The next time I get to do a 10k I know it will be a challenge because I will remember today and have to fight through my fear but I also know that I can and will do it. 

As hard as it was for me there are aspects of today that have been amazing.  I have been blessed with amazing people who were cheering me on before I started and who have been cheering me up once I stopped.  One of the things I was struggling with was feeling like I had let everyone down.  I have been given so much support and love and encouragement from so many people and I didn’t want to disappoint.  What I learned though is that I have a lot of amazing friends who love and support me no matter what.  I feel very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.  Not only do they pick me up when I’m down, but they believe in me and they encourage me to become the best version of myself that I can be.  I’m grateful beyond words for all of you.

I shall end this blog with a picture.  It was a prerace picture when I was still hopeful and excited.  I will look at it and know that in spite of everything I did believe I could do it when this picture was taken.  That belief hasn’t changed.  I do still believe I can do it. It will just take me a little bit more time.  I will not let my disappointment discourage me or derail me.  Instead I will use it to push me forward.

Calgary Expo Musings & Memories Part 3: Thank you Calgary Expo!

As I sat down to write about my experiences this year at the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo I quickly realized I had too much to say for one entry.  This is the final entry.  I have loved sharing my memories.  I can’t wait to do it all again next year.  Happy reading!

You can check out part 1here. 

You can check out part 2here.  

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Every once and a while your best laid plans get turned around.  My original plan for this 3^rd blog entry was a list of the things that I have learned because of the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo but it’s not really turning out the way I had thought it might. As I started writing it became apparent that what I really wanted this last entry to be is a thank you to all the people who work so hard to pull the expo off.

I have spent some time the last couple of days looking through my previous Expo scrapbook albums.  I have been attending the Calgary Expo since 2012.  As I look through all the photos and stories and blog entries that I have kept, I have come to realize just how many memories and moments I owe to Calgary Expo.  This year has been an exceptional year for making memories and having special moments but the truth is that every year I seemed to be blessed with amazing memories.  Each year as the weekend comes to an end I say the same thing, “this has been the best expo yet.”  And each year I mean it.  I also question each year if everyone over in Expo headquarters will actually be able to make the following year even better.  2017 is going to be a hard year to beat but I’m really looking forward to seeing what will come.

In looking back I decided to do a little counting and between the six Calgary Expos (counting this year) I have attended and the one Edmonton Expo I was actually shocked by just how many celebrity guests I have met either for photo ops or for autographs or in a lot of cases both.  I apparently have had 51 photos taken and got 60 autographs.  That is 111 moments in the past 5 years that I have loved.  Sure some of those moments were more powerful or memorable than others but all of them have been something I looked forward to and anticipated for different reasons.  I also have been privileged enough to see many many panels.  I have heard stories and jokes and great accents, all of which add to the memories I take away each year.  I will say this, for as many interactions I have had there has only been 1 that I probably would have chosen to change if I had to do it again.  That’s a pretty awesome batting average and in reality even that one memory ended up with a silver lining that made for a special moment. 

None of these amazing moments and memories would have happened if it wasn’t for the hard work of all the volunteers and staff at Expo.  How can I not be filled with gratitude?  I have funny stories, moving stories and even a couple embarrassing stories that I will forever get to share all because of the hard work a team does behind the scenes.  I get to sound cool and exciting at least once and a while when conversations turn to things like television or movies.  I never had a lot of stories to share before expo but now I can hold my own when I start talking with friends. 

At least once a year I also get to go and hang out in one of the most accepting places on earth.  It is a place that I can let my walls down, celebrating the things I love and just be myself.  I am forever grateful to know that there is a place like this.  Each year I attend it renews my spirit and reminds me that I’m okay just the way I am.  It leaves me feeling better about myself and about accepting the things I love.  Over the last five years I have gone from being a geek that hid her interests away to someone who now is willing to share them with everyone.

To all the staff and volunteers at Calgary Expo I thank you.  I know that you guys have to work hard so that all of us fans can have a good time.  We take you for granted when things go right and curse you when things go wrong.  What we should be doing is celebrating you and appreciating you.  Next year I will continue to try and remember the bigger picture and all you have brought into my life.  I will try to show my gratitude as I pass each of you hurrying around.

Thank you for making my dreams come true and for making dreams come true that I didn’t know I wanted.  Thank you for all the hard work so that I don’t have to see when things are going wrong.  Thank you for the smiles and help you have always offered.  Thank you for always trying to improve and get better.  I can’t wait to see where you go next year.   I look forward to all the new memories that I will make.