I'm Back!

It has been a long journey and I have struggled a great deal to get everything back on track. It took me a 5000km road trip to realize just how far out of things I had fallen. So this entry serves as my relaunch. I have started writing again and have refocused on the things that matter in my life, like my friends, my photography, my scrapbooking and most importantly my weight loss. So now it's time to catch you all up.

In May, I took a trip to Des Moines, Iowa for a convention called Demicon. I was invited by one of Will's friends, Eric, who had arranged to do a small memorial at the convention for Will. When he first told me about this I wasn't sure if I should go, if I wanted to go or even if I would be able to go. Flights to Des Moines aren't cheap because it's not direct from Calgary, and there was also the fact that the convention fell on the weekend of my birthday. But as I talked to my parents and a few friends about it I knew that this was a trip that I should and needed to make. So I pulled out a map and noticed that although it would be a long drive it could also be a very cool drive that could bring me through places like Mt. Rushmore and Yellowstone National Park, not to mention a whole lot of other cool places. I put plans in motion and started to put together my very first major road trip. As the trip grew closer I started to doubt if I really should be doing it. I was scared about the amount of time I would be driving. I was worried about how old my car is and if she would be able to make the trip or if it would kill her. Even the morning of the 3rd as I pulled out of Stirling and headed towards the border there was part of me that wanted to turn around. Of course I didn't and in the end the trip was one of the best experiences I have ever had. Not only did a learn a lot about myself but I also found myself again even though I didn't realize I was lost.

It was when I hit the border between South Dakota and Iowa that I realized how lost I was. When I hit Iowa this wave of saddness welled up and took over. Tears began to fall as all the regrets I had about not getting back to Iowa sooner and as all the feelings of missing my best friend came back as strong as they had been when I first found out Will had passed away last August. It was a rough ride and although I didn't realize it at the time it was the start of getting everything back to where it needed to be. See until that moment I was sure I had dealt with the loss of Will but I really hadn't. Instead of dealing with the loss I just distracted myself. I let myself get very busy and just kept moving. I started spending more time with friends and even threw myself into my own home business, but also started to avoid some of the things I really loved, like reading and writing (the things I used to do when I was on my own). I was sure that I was healing but really I was avoiding. I stopped thinking about Will (unless he popped into my head - which always knocked me on my butt). It felt right at the time, it felt like this is what I was supposed to do.

I should step back a moment because there is another aspect that plays into this and that is that before my trip I was also having to re-invent myself at work. Due to an increasing level of drama and constantly getting lectured about how I interact with my co-workers I realized that at work I was going to have to be someone different. I had to become more neutral, less friendly and yet still put on my happy face. Ever day was a challenge as I tried to hold in some of my base instincts, like correcting people if they have the wrong answer, or making quick jokes and sarcastic remarks to things being said. It was very hard for me. I have always been an open book. I am who I am and if you like me fine and if you don't fine, but for the sake of my job I couldn't do this anymore. The result was before my trip I was increasingly frustrated, angry and paranoid. When I was at work I felt like I was spinning out of control and was feeling incredibly lost. It was not a happy place. I was at the point something had to change or I had to find a new job.

On my birthday, the Sunday of the convention, we had Will's memorial. When I first found out it was going to be on my birthday I was a little bothered. I thought it was a way to ruin what should be a good day but it turned out to be a blessing. I knew the day would be hard because it was the first birthday where I wasn't going to get a birthday card online or in the mail from Will. He never forgot. So when we were in the memorial and his friends were sharing stories Will came back to me. I could hear his voice in my head and picture him as clear as if I had just seen him right before. I held back the tears and shared my own stories. That hour let me say good-bye. After it was over I went up to my room and I cried. It was the first time I cried just because of missing him and not having him in my life anymore. They were sad tears and happy tears, for all I had lost but also for all he had given me. (In the past whenever I had cried for him it was my own feelings of regret and guilt for things I didn't do that were running in my head). When I was done crying I cleaned up and went for a birthday meal by myself. I ordered two drinks, one to celebrate Will and one to celebrate my birthday. It was my chance to not only say good-bye but to accept that life will move on even if I only get to carry him in my memories and heart. It really was a turning point for me.

Now just over a month later I'm happy to be writing in this blog again. Things have been getting better. I started writing again and have come up with a story idea that gave me goosebumps as I shared it with another of my close friends. The cool thing with it is the research I need for it falls in to my lap as soon as I can think of it. This story wants to be written and it may seem silly or crazy to some of you but I think Will is helping. He always encouraged me to write and in going to Iowa to say good-bye he opened the door for my creativity again. Writing has been the biggest and most exciting thing to come back into my life but not the only thing. I have also been able to deal with work. I still have to be someone different when I walk in the doors but all the time alone in the car showed me how I can balance that by just taking a few minutes at the start and the end of each work shift to put work in its place. It is a job to pay the bills so I can do the things I really love. It is not my social outlet and if I just do my job the day goes by and I can let the drama roll off my back.

The only thing left to get back on track is my weight loss. I should have realized as I gained everything I lost back that I wasn't dealing with what was bothering me but I ignored it so I am back where i started but I am also back ready to start doing the hard work I need to again. I have started working out again and am working on getting my good habits back. They are so easy to let slide but this time I carry with me the belief that I can do it. I now carry with me a simple sentence Will wrote to me in an email, one that reminds me that I matter to people and I need to take care of myself so I can stay in their lives. The sentence he wrote was "You are a woman of special and unique gifts, and you deserve to feel good about who and what you are." He always believed in me and now I carry his belief of me and my talents inside. Those beliefs are in my heart with his memory. I will use Will's belief in me to help me when I am losing faith in myself next time.