What Would You Do?

This week’s blog was inspired by the movie “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”. Go see it but bring a box of kleenex.

The premise for the movie is simple, 3 weeks to live before an asteroid hits the earth and kills everyone. It’s a romantic comedy that will have you laughing and crying or if you are me laughing and crying at the same time. I loved the movie. It is a bit predictable as two characters journey to help each other do different things but end up falling in love in the final days of the world. I don’t want to ruin it for all of you but suffice it to say the final scene was very moving. Dodge (Steve Carell) says the things you want any significant other to say to you in those final moments. It was brilliant and I dare you not to cry.

The movie left me once again thinking about what I would do if I knew the world was going to end? This is a question I have pondered before, usually after re-reading the Nevil Shute’s book “On the Beach”, which is also about the last days on earth. After seeing Seeking a Friend tonight with two of my best friends I started to think about the question again. Here is the answer I have tonight (in the order it would happen) if I found out the world was going to be over in three weeks. The answer is always different but here is the current version.

1. I would go into work and quit. I would probably say a lot of the things I would never say and leave in a fashion that I have only dreamed of. It would certainly be a burning the bridges sort of exit, possibly with a few punches thrown or at the very least lots of yelling.

2. I would try to contact the one man who loved me enough to propose to me and say sorry I never gave him the chance he deserved. I have always felt that I didn’t do right by him and that I should have explained better or maybe have been more open to the possibilities he had to offer me. I wouldn’t want anything more from him but just to simply say I’m sorry.

3. I would throw a huge party for all my friends. We would drink and enjoy each other’s company one last time. I would pull out all the stops for food and try all the recipes I have gathered but never done anything with. It would be a no holds barred, do what you want party. When it was over I would hug each of my friends and tell them how much they have meant to me.

4. I would go to one last Weight Watchers meeting to thank the people who have supported me there and to say hi to the guy I keep noticing and tell him I think he’s cute. (This might be awkward since I have no clue if he is even single but really if the world is going to end what do I have to lose).

5. I would spend some time with my sister and her kids. I would smack my youngest niece upside the head for being so silly and probably my sister too for that matter. I would take a photo of them as a family so I could carry it with me and hope that the end of the world would be enough for them to let all the grudges go, to reunite as a family again.

6. I would head to BC to be with my parents one last time. I would tell my mom how proud I am to have her as my mom. I would tell her that she is a strong woman even though I don’t think she always knows it. I would also tell her that I think my strength and perseverance comes from growing up watching the challenges she had to face after having a stroke. To my dad I would tell him that he is the reason I’m so picky when it comes to dating. He has set high standards for any man that comes into my life because of how good he is with mom. I know his life can’t have always been easy and I’m sure it is not what he planned but the fact he stuck around and worked so hard to support us has set the bar high for anyone I choose to have in my world. I would also tell him that I think he is the reason I’m as good as I am and why I want to help people.

7. Lastly I would head back to Austria and to the library in the monastery in Melk. I would curl up with my notepad and spend my last days writing all the stories in my head. I think this would be a perfect spot for the end. I would be surrounded by books and the smell you can only get in an old library. I would be doing what I love which would make me very happy.

I guess some people reading this list might think it’s sad that I would spend my last days alone but to me I think it would be almost perfect. I have always enjoyed being on my own and I would have already said my good-byes. I would know that the people that matter know exactly what they mean to me and how much I love them. And besides as cheesy as it may sound I wouldn’t feel alone. I would have the love of my friends and family with me.

Take a few minutes and think about what you would do, but then ask yourself why are you waiting. What on your list can you do tomorrow? That is what I take away from this tonight. What is stopping me from doing any or all of my list? If those are the things that will make me happy maybe it’s time to start living like the world is going to end and see what good can come from it. (Although don’t worry I’m not planning on running away to Melk anytime soon).

The Power of Imagination

The inspiration for this entry comes from Emily Expo. Here is her wonderful blog entry. I dare you to read it and not think about your own past and the things that matter. Thank you Emily for being so brilliant, amazing and giving me an idea to run with for my own blog. Please support her and give her blog a read. I promise you won't be disappointed.

http://www.calgaryexpo.com/blog/confessions-from-a-playground-misfit/


I always hear stories about people being bullied who commit suicide or turn the anger against all those that bullied them and have often wondered why I didn’t go down one of those paths. In junior high and high school I experienced things no one should have to go through. I experienced first-hand just how incredibly mean people can be. I was the butt of jokes, picked on and teased endlessly by everyone including my own brother, and I was even turned into a bet by two people who were supposed to be my friends. It was a harsh time and I spent a lot of time in tears or just plain angry. I tried endlessly to either fit in or to just hide in the background but of course neither really worked as good solutions. I was lucky though because with all that going on I still had some great friends, and I also had support from a handful of the most amazing teachers, who recognized not only that I needed someone to listen to me but that I had a talent for writing which they encouraged. But even with all of that I still think that at least some part of my ability to navigate the horror that was my teen years was my imagination.

I hadn’t really given any of this much thought in a very long time. Those six years were the worst years in my life but they are also what gave me the goal that I’m working towards now as I work towards my ideal weight. When I’m done I want to try and help other teens dealing with weight issues to overcome and change their lives. So today when I read Emily Expo’s blog I found myself thinking back to my own experiences being a misfit. Then when I saw her facebook post asking for what inspired our imaginations growing up the idea for this blog began to form. In thinking about it I realized that I too spent time escaping to a world of my own creation. It was a world where I could be anyone, where I could do anything and could be the person I so wanted to be in real life. It was a world that was always changing and always had the true me in the starring role. In my imagination the boys liked me, I was everyone’s friend and nothing got in my way. So where did that all come from? Where was my imagination inspired? When did I even realize it was possible to get lost in a world of my own creation?

It scares me a little that I was able to come up with an answer to these, but I guess it shows how much power and influence an author and books can have. I can actually still picture with clarity the scenes in which I heard the two books that would stick with me and start my love affair with words, writing and reading. The first book is called The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles by Julie Edwards. The first time I heard the book I was in the elementary school library sitting on a set of risers (2nd riser from the top) that were covered with a horrible orange carpet that only a school would have. The second book is The Trumpeter of the Swan by E.B. White. The first time I heard this story I was sitting in a desk in my grade 3 and 4 split class (I was in 3). I’m not sure what it was about both stories that worked to transport me away but they did. I was in the stories. I could vividly see the characters and scenes come to life. My heart went out to Louis the mute swan and I remember wandering through Whangdoodleland with the Professor and the children trying to get to the last whangdoodle. Both of these books stuck with me so completely that when I briefly worked at a bookstore they were a couple of the first books I hunted down. This was a challenge in itself as I could not remember the titles or the authors and couldn’t even find a good way to translate the images in my head to words to describe the stories. With putting some heads together we were able to figure it out and I was able to get the books, which I re-read and still found myself lost in. The fact that the books were everything I remembered shows just how deeply they were set into my mind.

After those two books I quickly started reading everything and anything I could get my hands on and this continued as I left the relative safety of elementary school and entered the wild hallways of junior high, hormones and cliques. As things got bad in my new school I actively started to read as an escape. I found books that had characters that I could relate to, usually misfits that succeeded in spite of all their struggles. I was beginning to realize the power an author can have and started to wonder if I could do it. It was in junior high where I first started to try and write creatively. At first I created stories in my head. I told myself different fantasies to fall asleep or drifted into them when all I wanted to do was cry in school. I was starting to realize if I could write stories I loved in my head that they might just translate on paper to something other people might like. With a little luck I hoped (and still hope) that one day someone will be able to take something I write and be able to find their own escape in it.

Imagination is such a powerful tool. It continues to play a huge part in my life. My imagination actually helped me deal with Will’s death. I have a hard time talking to people and so when Will passed away I didn’t really talk about it. I wrote about it and thought about it but didn’t really talk about it. Eventually it started to come into the stories I still create for myself each night to fall asleep. It was in these stories that I was able to tell myself the things I needed to hear to be able to start to move on from the loss. It was also a way I could (and still can) get my best friend back even if it’s only in my mind. (Hopefully that doesn’t sound too crazy). It has also come in handy as I’m trying figure out what I want in a career. As I create the perfect situation in my mind I’m starting to figure out what I should be looking for in terms of work that will actually make me happy. There is something safe about the world inside your head. You can ask and answer the tough questions that you might not be ready to answer in real life. My imagination is like a warm blanket on a cold night and I love to curl up in it. Nothing feels more like home.

I think everyone should try to spend a little time in their imagination. Grab your favourite drink and curl up with a good book or a story in your head. Let the world drift away into fuzziness even if it is only for a little while.

Book Review and New Focus

I have never bought a diet book in my life. I do not generally tend to put a lot of credit into them but I was curious when I saw Bob Harper from Biggest Loser had put out a new book. I will admit some of the curiosity came from the fact I think he is very good looking but more came when I flipped through the book in Chapters because it looked logical and simple so I decided to order it. It arrived at the beginning of the week and I read it over the last two days.

It was a quick read but full of a lot of great information. It is laid out logically and has good arguments for each rule. I don’t necessarily like the idea of slashing my daily calorie count as much but the nice thing with Bob’s rules is that they will mesh well with Weight Watchers. I was drawn towards this book for the same reasons I was drawn towards Weight Watchers and that is because it makes sense and is logical. I don’t put any stock in all the fads that are out there but with both of these it’s real food.

I think though that in spite of the book being about the rules I’m most excited by the recipe section of the book. I have been getting very bored with my food and have been feeling very lazy when it comes to wanting to cook. This is something I experience most summers but at least for right now I’m actually feeling excited to cook. There are some really great sounding recipes and if I can eat good food and it helps to move me along my weight loss path all the better. I have even already made my grocery list and am very much looking forward to going and shopping for all the yummy food. It is nice to be excited about working on losing weight. It has been awhile since I felt this way.

I have also made the decision I am going to start to try more new foods again. The shocker to anyone that knows me is the first thing on my hit list to start eating is fish. Anyone who has asked me out to sushi or offered me shrimp has probably been told the same story. When I eat fish I feel like it is still swimming in my stomach. I know that it is all in my head and that I just need to get over that. So my goal this summer is to start eating and hopefully enjoying fish. It is hard not to want to put it into my diet when I read all the good things about fish and since I don’t have an allergy to it there is no reason not to include it in my diet. I’m going to start with one fish meal every week (totally should be doable) and by the end of summer my goal is to be eating one dinner with fish and one lunch. It’s not a tonne but considering I “hate” fish it may be a rather daunting goal.

I’m also going to be exploring more Vegan recipes. I am planning to have one day a week where I don’t eat any animal or animal products. This is a rule from the book but also something that I’m looking forward to. I have a friend who is a vegan and so I have to keep finding new recipes to make when we have dinner parties and what not. So far I have loved everything she has made for us or that I have made for her. It forces me to think outside the box and to try things I might not normally try. I like the idea of challenge myself to a day without animal each week. I think it will force me to get a little more variety in my food choices.

Anyway for those of you for looking for a few ideas or some guidance to get you started I can say that it looks like Bob Harper is not only sexy as hell but actually has some good points. hehehe I can’t say yet if it will give you results and even a month from now I can’t say it will give you results because I won’t be following it as he has written it but the rules make sense even if I’m not totally sold on completely following his plan the way he has it laid out. I’ll keep you posted though.

And for anyone out there reading this please please remember to think about what you are doing. There is no point in jumping on every band wagon. Weight loss is not an easy path or choice but really if it was easy it wouldn’t mean as much when we succeed with it. In a world of quick and easy somethings are really worth stopping to take your time with making sure it’s done right. Don’t check your brain at the door. Common sense will guide you if you let it.

I'm Back!

It has been a long journey and I have struggled a great deal to get everything back on track. It took me a 5000km road trip to realize just how far out of things I had fallen. So this entry serves as my relaunch. I have started writing again and have refocused on the things that matter in my life, like my friends, my photography, my scrapbooking and most importantly my weight loss. So now it's time to catch you all up.

In May, I took a trip to Des Moines, Iowa for a convention called Demicon. I was invited by one of Will's friends, Eric, who had arranged to do a small memorial at the convention for Will. When he first told me about this I wasn't sure if I should go, if I wanted to go or even if I would be able to go. Flights to Des Moines aren't cheap because it's not direct from Calgary, and there was also the fact that the convention fell on the weekend of my birthday. But as I talked to my parents and a few friends about it I knew that this was a trip that I should and needed to make. So I pulled out a map and noticed that although it would be a long drive it could also be a very cool drive that could bring me through places like Mt. Rushmore and Yellowstone National Park, not to mention a whole lot of other cool places. I put plans in motion and started to put together my very first major road trip. As the trip grew closer I started to doubt if I really should be doing it. I was scared about the amount of time I would be driving. I was worried about how old my car is and if she would be able to make the trip or if it would kill her. Even the morning of the 3rd as I pulled out of Stirling and headed towards the border there was part of me that wanted to turn around. Of course I didn't and in the end the trip was one of the best experiences I have ever had. Not only did a learn a lot about myself but I also found myself again even though I didn't realize I was lost.

It was when I hit the border between South Dakota and Iowa that I realized how lost I was. When I hit Iowa this wave of saddness welled up and took over. Tears began to fall as all the regrets I had about not getting back to Iowa sooner and as all the feelings of missing my best friend came back as strong as they had been when I first found out Will had passed away last August. It was a rough ride and although I didn't realize it at the time it was the start of getting everything back to where it needed to be. See until that moment I was sure I had dealt with the loss of Will but I really hadn't. Instead of dealing with the loss I just distracted myself. I let myself get very busy and just kept moving. I started spending more time with friends and even threw myself into my own home business, but also started to avoid some of the things I really loved, like reading and writing (the things I used to do when I was on my own). I was sure that I was healing but really I was avoiding. I stopped thinking about Will (unless he popped into my head - which always knocked me on my butt). It felt right at the time, it felt like this is what I was supposed to do.

I should step back a moment because there is another aspect that plays into this and that is that before my trip I was also having to re-invent myself at work. Due to an increasing level of drama and constantly getting lectured about how I interact with my co-workers I realized that at work I was going to have to be someone different. I had to become more neutral, less friendly and yet still put on my happy face. Ever day was a challenge as I tried to hold in some of my base instincts, like correcting people if they have the wrong answer, or making quick jokes and sarcastic remarks to things being said. It was very hard for me. I have always been an open book. I am who I am and if you like me fine and if you don't fine, but for the sake of my job I couldn't do this anymore. The result was before my trip I was increasingly frustrated, angry and paranoid. When I was at work I felt like I was spinning out of control and was feeling incredibly lost. It was not a happy place. I was at the point something had to change or I had to find a new job.

On my birthday, the Sunday of the convention, we had Will's memorial. When I first found out it was going to be on my birthday I was a little bothered. I thought it was a way to ruin what should be a good day but it turned out to be a blessing. I knew the day would be hard because it was the first birthday where I wasn't going to get a birthday card online or in the mail from Will. He never forgot. So when we were in the memorial and his friends were sharing stories Will came back to me. I could hear his voice in my head and picture him as clear as if I had just seen him right before. I held back the tears and shared my own stories. That hour let me say good-bye. After it was over I went up to my room and I cried. It was the first time I cried just because of missing him and not having him in my life anymore. They were sad tears and happy tears, for all I had lost but also for all he had given me. (In the past whenever I had cried for him it was my own feelings of regret and guilt for things I didn't do that were running in my head). When I was done crying I cleaned up and went for a birthday meal by myself. I ordered two drinks, one to celebrate Will and one to celebrate my birthday. It was my chance to not only say good-bye but to accept that life will move on even if I only get to carry him in my memories and heart. It really was a turning point for me.

Now just over a month later I'm happy to be writing in this blog again. Things have been getting better. I started writing again and have come up with a story idea that gave me goosebumps as I shared it with another of my close friends. The cool thing with it is the research I need for it falls in to my lap as soon as I can think of it. This story wants to be written and it may seem silly or crazy to some of you but I think Will is helping. He always encouraged me to write and in going to Iowa to say good-bye he opened the door for my creativity again. Writing has been the biggest and most exciting thing to come back into my life but not the only thing. I have also been able to deal with work. I still have to be someone different when I walk in the doors but all the time alone in the car showed me how I can balance that by just taking a few minutes at the start and the end of each work shift to put work in its place. It is a job to pay the bills so I can do the things I really love. It is not my social outlet and if I just do my job the day goes by and I can let the drama roll off my back.

The only thing left to get back on track is my weight loss. I should have realized as I gained everything I lost back that I wasn't dealing with what was bothering me but I ignored it so I am back where i started but I am also back ready to start doing the hard work I need to again. I have started working out again and am working on getting my good habits back. They are so easy to let slide but this time I carry with me the belief that I can do it. I now carry with me a simple sentence Will wrote to me in an email, one that reminds me that I matter to people and I need to take care of myself so I can stay in their lives. The sentence he wrote was "You are a woman of special and unique gifts, and you deserve to feel good about who and what you are." He always believed in me and now I carry his belief of me and my talents inside. Those beliefs are in my heart with his memory. I will use Will's belief in me to help me when I am losing faith in myself next time.