365 Photos = 365 Captured Memories for 2013

Last year on January first like a good Creative Memories Consultant I was online and checking out to see what was happening for resolutions and photographs, trying to steal ideas that I could bring to my parties or to my own photos and I came across the idea for taking a photo a day. As I looked at digital stuff that people had done for the year before I thought how cool they looked. On a whim I decided to take up the challenge. I was going to take 366 photos (2012 was a leap year) and going to create my very own photo a day book.

This was the first photo I took (and considering I have spent the last week incredibly sick it makes me laugh now that how I spent my NYE is in fact how I’m spending the end of the year) I joked that I would be happy if I made it to February but truthfully figured I would be able to keep it going until the spring. The reality was I actually made into October having only missed a handful of days when for whatever reason I gave up on the idea. Now sitting here on Dec 31 I’m kicking myself for not gutting it out for a few more weeks but that has just fired me up for this year.

It might seem like a bit of a silly challenge or resolution but I can tell you that my goals of becoming a better photographer and paying more attention to the little details that happen around me that got me started last year were more than met even though I didn’t finish the challenge in 2012. I learned a great deal as I tried to stretch my brain to find interesting and beautiful pictures to capture the moments of my day to day life. I endured a bunch of teasing from my family for taking way too many photos of the cats but when I look at the photos there were a lot of really great moments captured that I never would have paid attention to but got me really excited at the time (From the announcement Wil Wheaton was coming to Calgary Expo, to adventures in my first Union rally, to the birth of a new baby, to even something as silly as that really cold morning – and let me tell you trying to photograph a thermometer at 6:50am before going to work is more challenging than you would think).

Although I had goals that I expected what has surprised me is the unexpected benefit that I found in the last two weeks. As I have been dealing with the passing of my cat, Molly, I realized I actually caught on film a lot of the things she did that made me feel very special. They were little moments like her cuddling against my chest or Molly curled up in her favourite chair. At the time they were just a photo for the day to meet my challenge but they now mean so much more to me. In going through them I was able to sort through some of my emotions and remember the really great things about my cat. I have also changed them into a beautiful memory book that whenever I’m missing my cat I can go back and look through and smile.

So my challenge to all of you this year is pick up your camera, your cell phones or anything that you are using to capture memories at least once a day and capture a moment. I will do it with you and try to keep you motivated. This time next year you will have 365 memories captured. To make it even more special anyone that completes this challenge and is willing to give me your photos I will create a digital scrapbook to display the photos for you. (It will be up to you if you want to buy the book but I will put it together for you.)

Let me know if you are taking up the challenge. Let me help keep you motivated as I try to keep myself going. This year will the year I get it done! I wish you all a very Happy New Year. May all your resolutions be met with the same determination on Dec 31st 2013 as they were created with on January 1st. 2013 will be the best year ever!

Love You Molly!

This morning I had to make the hard decision to let Molly go. I woke up this morning and she wasn’t herself. She was really wobbly as she walked and wouldn’t eat any food. I took her to the vet and discussed all the options but the reality was it was time to say goodbye. Molly wasn’t the most social of cats but she was very special and loved. I want to write this entry to remind me of how great she was and as a way to say goodbye and pay tribute to her. I will miss her very much.

My Sweet Molly

You were one of the very best cats in the world. I got to have you in my life for 15 or 16 years but really got to know you in the last seven. You were such a bully of a cat. I still remember how you used to tear after Tippy when we first brought you home and you wanted to take over. Of course that didn’t change when we brought Zoe in. I can’t think of how many times I had to break up fights or chase you away from Zoe. You were the queen of the house and you knew it.

Most special to me though was the last few years when you would actually sit with me and cuddle. I still think it was either to humor me or to make Zoe jealous but whatever the case I loved it. I know you were never really a people loving cat but with the right bribe we could usually draw you out and everyone thought you were beautiful and loved you.

I think what I’ll miss the most though as silly as it sounds is you demanding for food the minute I wake up or come home from work. And it will be weird to cut cheese and not have you rubbing between my legs waiting for your piece. You were always so food motivated I always knew how to make you happy. It was the one time I could count on you letting me pet you.

I’m going to miss the way you would play with your toys until someone actually noticed you. You just couldn’t let us know that you will silly enough to toss toys around. But I had you figured out I knew you loved them especially the pillows with catnip and honeysuckle or that poor killed spider toy.

You of course weren’t without your quirks. Between squishing into boxes and containers to small for you and the way you howled at the camera you were a cat with personality. I will never take a picture of any other cat and not think of how you would react to the camera. You are the only animal I have ever known to react so strongly. I still think you were convinced the camera was trying to steal your soul. To hear you even whine when we just pretended to take photos was funny. I am grateful though that you at least let me a few really great photos of you. I will treasure them forever.

Wherever you are now my princess I hope that you are putting everyone in their place and causing havoc. I hope you have a never-ending supply of cheese and milk and lots of mice to catch (you were a really great little hunter). I loved you very much and the house will be a lot quieter without you in it but I know you are in a better place. Zoe and I will miss you very much but we will not forget you.

Molly in her favourite chair

Squishing into a basket barely big enough for her.  Such a character!

Playing with two of her favourite toys

Mine! You can't have it.

Fine take your picture but I will get you back for this.



My absolute favourite photo of Molly.



Photo Wednesday: Brave Explorer

There are a handful of pictures that I have taken that I think are really great and this happens to be one.  I love the clarity I got in Zoe's face.  I'm sure my neighbours probably thought I was a little crazy lying on the ground trying to get the shot but in my eyes it paid off.  I love that the colour of the browning grass matches her colours.  What can I say small things make me happy :-)  Anyway I hope you enjoy this photo.

When Desire & Action are in Conflict

I often feel the urge to write, to spill my guts into either a blog entry or my journal. Writing is a great way for me to work through whatever is going on in my brain. It stops the spinning and slows things down so I can figure out what is really going on. So the other night when I found myself up most of the night I realized that there was something trying to get out. I tried to journal the thoughts first but that wasn’t enough. Next I started to write a blog entry on my phone but that didn’t seem to work either. So I tossed and turned with the thoughts racing and just kept hoping for sleep. Eventually I did get some, although not much.

Friday night after work (still very much sleep deprived) I was determined to put my thoughts into something that made sense so that I could stop the spinning and maybe be able to share them with everyone. I wrote and wrote but quickly found that I wasn’t going anywhere. The thoughts were still spinning and the questions kept popping up. I was getting nowhere fast. The only thing that I was accomplishing was to drive myself crazy and to further frustrate my brain. Giving up I closed the blog entry and turned my attention to other things but have kept the feeling of needing to write something all weekend. Sadly however the thoughts have been in conflict with my typing fingers.

Sunday mornings a few of my friends and me often get together at a Starbucks to work on writing. It is during these meeting of creative minds that I often find a little clarity on my own struggles with writing. I consider each member of the little group to be amazing writers and incredibly brilliant. Whether they realize it or not they encourage me to push myself, to learn and to grow as a writer and a thinker. Today was no different. We got on to the topic of my unwritten blog entry and as I explained what was going on and listened to them respond I began to realize something. A big part of my problem on Friday was that while I knew the topic that I wanted to write about I was getting paralyzed by doubt, guilt and even a little fear that surrounds that topic for me. These feelings do not mesh all that well with a spinning brain and desire to write so it is no wonder I was struggling so much with what I wanted to say. I was so busy worrying about how people would react to my topic that I couldn’t write it which in turn means no one can react to it anyway (It’s a rather safe little bubble that I suppose I could choose to stay in but that probably wouldn’t help solve anything).

Along time ago I gave up caring what people think about me, say about me or even believe about me. It was a choice I made to help become happier and more confident in the gifts that I have to offer. It is something that hasn’t always been easy but it does help so that I worry much less about things I can’t control. I have also brought this attitude with me as I do any writing. I have never cared if someone was going to read my blog or enjoy my fiction. I write because I want to write. I feel like it is something I need to do. It is one of the few things I do just for me because it makes me feel good. So the question became why did it become so hard to write this specific entry (which for those of you who are wondering has to do with spirituality, ghosts, paranormal and my beliefs surrounding these things)?

What I realized today is that now that I know people (both friends and family) are actually reading my blog it is a little more daunting to talk about something that I have talked about so little with anyone. It is a topic that is incredibly personal and one that I always worry people will think I’m nuts if I share too much. It is so much easier to write something personal if you are busy thinking no one is going to read your words anyway. It is so much easier to pour your soul into something if it is anonymous. Putting things down in writing makes them real and putting it online means the world can see it. Good or bad it will be out in the world for all to judge and form opinions on.

Anyway long story short I have a new focus and determination to actually explore and write about the things that are going on in my brain. I have always wanted my blog to be straightforward and completely true to who I am and I shall continue to strive for that. The blog is about my journey in life and currently spirituality and the questioning of it, is what is important and going on. This is a part of me and as worried as I am about the reaction I know the people that love and support me will love and support me regardless of what I say. I hope everyone will keep an open mind and understand that these are just my thoughts and feelings. They are what they are whether you like them or not.

I hope that anyone that is reading this blog will continue to read along, indulge me in my ponderings and enjoy the ride as I keep wandering along this journey called life.

My Little Piece of Serenity

“Enter as Strangers...Leave as Friends.” It is a simple sentiment but when you actually experience that sentiment the impact is so much more powerful than those few words. These are the words that greet you as you walk through the beautiful double doors (the I want in my future house) and into Rosebud Country Inn. These words are posted proudly above the dining room and what I didn’t realize or expect when I first saw them on my very first visit how true they are. Every time I enter this cozy bed and breakfast the sign is always the first thing I notice and it always puts me right at ease. It always makes me feel like I’m not just entering a hotel but I’m entering a home.

I have fallen in love with this little B&B and a large part of that has to do with one of the owners, BJ. She welcomes you to the bed and breakfast like you would a friend into your home. (In fact now having visited multiple times we even get hugs). She is one of those women that is so perfectly suited to running a B&B because of her personality. She has the confidence and joy that you see in people that are doing what they love. She is friendly, bubbly, charming, funny and incredibly generous and sweet. She will bend over backwards to make your visit amazing. Whether it is saying yes to a special breakfast request (mmm…orange French toast) or helping arranging a picnic dinner so that I would have food when everything else in town was closed, BJ is always willing to go above and beyond. She goes a long way to helping make you feel special and pampered while you are visiting. It doesn’t matter if it is your first visit or your 4th (or I’m assuming your 10th or 100th) I have little doubt that each visit will always be amazing and a one of a kind experience and that speaks to the brilliance of what BJ has done with this inn.



Me, Anne, BJ, Rose and Hedy

Of course as great as BJ is there is so much more to this little inn that has kept me coming back. Last night, I spent my sixth night (spread over 4 visits) and I’m still just as impressed. I love the fact that when you walk into your room, waiting on your bed is a little treat bag full of stuff to pamper you. Each and every time I have come the scents contained in this bag have been different as well which creates a nice surprise even though I know it will be there for me. The rooms, themselves, are gorgeous. Of course don’t even get me started on the beds. I don’t generally like any beds that aren’t mine but I dream of the beds at the inn. Not only do you come back from the theatre to find the comforter turned down and a little chocolate waiting but they are so comfortable I can almost imagine myself doing nothing but sleeping. I joked before going out in the summer that I was going to skip a couple nights of sleep just so I could really enjoy the sleep the first night I was there. Now as if that isn’t enough to really know you have a good vacation spot but how about a good morning cup of coffee or tea served to your room before breakfast? Well that happens at the inn too. It blows me away (even though I don’t drink coffee first thing in the am) that everything is organized enough to get all the rooms some coffee before they come down for your breakfast. When we are out there at Christmas it creates a great moment of friendship when we can sit around in the lounge or one of our rooms and enjoy a little time together before we head down to breakfast. I really believe that it is these little details that make this place so special to me. They are the details you take for granted but I know if I showed up and didn’t have them I would be so disappointed. Those little touches make you feel like you really matter and aren’t just someone filling a bed.

I can’t talk about the draw of this little inn without talking about Rosebud itself. It is a tiny little place in the middle of Alberta. I think it is actually probably one of the prettiest places in Alberta. I may be a little biased though because I love the way I feel when I’m there. There may not be a gas station but they have a theatre that constantly blows me away. I have experienced more emotion sitting in the seats watching the small stage that I have in any other theatre. As a lover of seeing live performances I have loved going out to the Rosebud Theatre for the last four seasons to see the different plays put on and am very much looking forward to experiencing my fifth season.

The town revolves around the plays. The local residents get involved with them and it gives it a very down to earth feel. But it does not take away from the quality of the shows, so please don’t get that idea. You can tell that the theatre and the town are very proud of the performances that go on. I think it is the town involvement that has created a culture of creativity. I consider myself to be a creative soul and I love creating things whether it is with my writing, my photography or even my scrapbooking and so when I see the support that seems to exist in this little town for the arts I have a great deal of respect for everyone there. I think it is that support and openness to the creative world that has left the air just charged with creativity. It is that feeling that I seek out. When I am out there I have more ideas flow, I have more desire to create and I can produce things that I’m not sure would happen otherwise. I love how inspired I feel when I’m in Rosebud.

I could probably go on and on about the things I love about my time out in Rosebud. I can’t help but gush when I really love something. However let me end this blog with some of my favourite photos from Rosebud and the inn, I mean a picture is worth a thousand words right. All I can say is if you are looking for a place to visit that is close to home but will make you feel like you have been to another world try opening your heart to Rosebud, I don’t think you will be disappointed. Who knows you might just find me wandering with my camera down the streets.

For more information please check out these sites:

Rosebud Country Inn

Rosebud Theatre

Also please check out the Rosebud Country Inn Youtube video and be sure to ‘Like’ them on facebook.

Remembrance Day

I have been doing a lot of thinking about Remembrance Day and its meaning over the last few days in light of hearing last week about the fact that in some school students can opt out of Remembrance Day services. Now let me just say before I get dragged over the coals that I completely understand the idea behind the option and I firmly believe religious freedom is incredibly important. It is those freedoms that wars have been fought to protect. This blog entry is about why Remembrance Day is important to me and why I think it is important that children should take part in it. Although the services may be religious, to me Remembrance Day is not about that. It is about paying respect to the incredibly brave men and women who have fought and continue to fight to let us keep the freedoms we believe in.

I remember going to school around November 11th and seeing poppies fill the halls on all the students and teachers. I remember bringing my quarters to school so I could buy poppies (always at least one a day because they just tend to disappear on you). I also remember being lined up into the school gymnasium for the Remembrance Day assemblies. We sang O’ Canada, listened to a recording (or someone in band as I hit junior high and high school) play The Last Post, stood silently for the minute of silence and finished with hearing The Rouse. I also have vague memories of hearing the poem In Flanders’s Field but couldn’t tell you if that was in the assembly itself or just in the classroom. I don’t remember actually understanding what was going on though, especially in elementary school. I knew that we were supposed to remember the soldiers and I knew that both my Grandpa and Grandad had fought in World War II but like any kid it didn’t really affect me because it was in the past.

As I got older I still kept going to the assemblies. I started to get into the history and began to read anything I could find on aspects of the World Wars. I also began to be more aware of the world around me and started to see that we were still fighting wars all over the world. (It’s a strange world when you realize history is still happening and that the things you thought were in the past are actually still going on – but that is a blog for another day.) As I became more aware, Remembrance Day also became a connection not only to the history I was learning but also to my own family history. It made the day a little more special and important, at least while I was in school.

When I graduated high school the assemblies stopped happening. I went off to university and started to really get into history. I spent hours reading story after story and textbook after textbook. I was fascinated especially as I began to learn more about the Canadian connections to important war changing battles. Sadly, although I did get to the odd ceremony, it was never a priority for me to attend. I would always think of my grandfathers on the 11th but usually the day would pass with me just happy to have an extra day off to get an essay written or a day to sleep in.

That changed for me though when I went to Europe in 2008. Actually that trip changed a lot for me, when it came to how I think about and experience the history I had long studied. I was walking in the spots where the battles had taken place that I had studied. I was visiting gravesites full of graves from the soldiers that had made the ultimate sacrifice to do what they believed in. I really began to realize just how many people lost their lives and the huge scale of what went on during those two wars.

One of the most powerful moments of my trip was when my tour guide took us to Juno Beach. It wasn’t a planned part of the tour but the guide knew I was Canadian and offered to take us if the other people on the tour were ok with it, which they were. As I stepped onto the sand of a very pretty beach I got goosebumps on my arms. At that moment as I stood there it was just a beach but I knew that on June 6, 1944 it was a battleground. The Dday landings played such a huge role in ending World War II, it was awe inspiring to be standing there knowing the history the way that I did. I was standing where thousands of men, Canadians as well as other members of the British Commonwealth, had fought so hard. I tried to imagine what it must have been like on that day of the landing and tried to match that with the calm that I was experiencing while I was standing on the beach. They just didn’t quite line up. In that moment, standing there, I could really feel the history, physically and emotionally. It was a very moving moment for me and one that I will not ever forget. (Here is some more information on Juno Beach)

After the stop at the beach, the tour guide took us to the Canadian Cemetery at Beny-Sur-Mer. Throughout my vacation I had been going to commonwealth grave sites, where you would see maple leaves on some of the tombstones but nothing could compare to walking around Beny-Sur-Mer and seeing all the graves with maples leaves. It made for a beautiful picture but it also created another connection for me to the stories I had studied and learned about.

This was the truth behind the battle fought. War means loss of life, no matter how you look at it or spin it. When I came back from that trip Remembrance Day had a new meaning for me. I started going to Remembrance Day ceremonies. I finally understood on a deeper level how important November 11th is to me. For me it is a connection to my family history, to my country’s history and just simply something that I feel is important to remember. It has nothing to do with religion for me it is a matter of respect. So many gave up their lives for my future I can spend a few hours each year remembering all of them. I am grateful that people exist that are willing to fight to protect and defend people like me.

As I end this blog I just want to share my hopes for the future. It is my hope that all people will continue to remember and value the importance of November 11th. I hope that one day we will find a way to get along with each other and actually find world peace so that Remembrance Day can stand for finally achieving peace. I also hope that since we no longer have any World War I veterans left in Canada, and the numbers of World War II veterans continues to dwindle people will continue to recognize and value what they did for us. I hope that children will be taught the importance of the day and learn to value the gifts we have been given. Lastly I hope that even if the option is there to opt out of remembering that people will continue to choose to do it.

In remembering our history we learn the value of where we are today.

Wintery Good Will

You know winter has arrived when you have to wake up early, not to work out but to shovel snow and this is the case in Calgary as we have now been hit with a full-fledged winter storm. I think I have shoveled more snow in the last two days than I did all of last year (payback no doubt for such a mild winter last year). I will admit that as positive as I try to be, shoveling snow can have a tendency to leave me feeling cranky, so when I got up this morning the last thing I wanted to do was shovel the snow. The grown up in me knew that I didn’t have a choice though so I put on my mp3 player and headed out. What I saw surprised me (and no it wasn’t the amount of snow, although seriously it’s only the beginning of November…eek!). When I looked across the quiet street I saw one of the neighbours shovelling the sidewalk for his home and the two on either side of him.

I should step back a little and explain a little something about me and snow shovelling. A few years ago I started to shovel my neighbour’s sidewalk. It only added maybe five to ten minutes to my time outside so it didn’t seem like a big deal. The theory in my head behind me starting was that if I put that good will out into the world and was a snow angel for my older neighbour maybe someone would do the same for my Nan. Now several years later my Nan has someone that we pay to have come out and do her yard but seeing my neighbour shovelling the sidewalks on each side of his house made me smile because he is a fellow snow angel. Even though I’m sure I had nothing to do with it, part of me can’t help but wonder if he had seen me doing my neighbour’s walk and decided to give it a shot himself. I know the neighbours around here do notice because more than one of them has told me how sweet I am for doing it but I just shrug it off but maybe I am having some influence on the people around me. And maybe this one guy will now keep being a snow angel for his neighbours. And then maybe someone else will see him and start doing their neighbours. Before long we could have a city full of snow angels.

I have never wanted to be famous or anything like that but I have always wanted to do my part to make the world a better place even if it is just for my neighbour next door. So when I see someone else following my lead (even if I don’t know if he is doing it because of me) I can’t help but smile. I can only speak for myself, but each time I finish shovelling Mrs. Kay’s sidewalk I feel really good about it. I know that it helps her and helps her family. She has told me how much she appreciates it but in spite of all that I can’t help but feel a little selfish because I do it because of how good it makes me feel.

So as we settle in to those long winter months I would challenge everyone out there to take a few extra minutes and shovel your neighbours’ sidewalk. You never know how much of a help it will be to them and how good it will make you feel. So be a little selfish this winter, put your favourite music in your ears and shovel an extra sidewalk or two.

Photo Wednesday: Brave Young Men

As this will be my last photo Wednesday before Remembrance Day I wanted to share a couple special photos.  A few years ago, on a mission to get photos for a scrapbook, I took over my parents spare bedroom and scanned over 500 photos from their albums and from my grandparents albums.  These are two of the photos I found.

Grandpa is the top row third from the left.

Grandpa is the bottom row fourth from the left.

These are a couple of photos that I had never seen before.  The only picture I had seen I have included below, it was of him in his uniform.  Most of you know I love history and specifically World War history.  I have spent hours upon hours reading and learning everything I can about the two wars that shaped our world.  Part of the reason I am so driven to get this infomation is because I never really got a lot of information about my Grandpa's time in the war.  I never felt comfortable enough to ask him and since it wasn't something he ever talked about I never got to hear the stories.  What I do know is that when I look at these photos I feel pride for him.  When I look at the photos of these young men I can't help but wonder what became of them and who they all are.  I'm sure there were a great deal of stories between all of them.  I may never know the truth behind those faces but I hope to find out at some point.

I would also like to share two more photos.  These are the individual photos I have of both my Grandpa and my Grandad in their uniforms. I'm grateful that both of them fought in World War II and both of them survived, when so many did not.  

Grandad - Ralph Taylor

Grandpa - Ken McBryan

I hope you have enjoyed a little piece of my history.  I also hope everyone will take a few minutes on November 11 this year to remember all those who have fought and still fight on our behalf.

Photo Wednesday: Remembering

This week's photos are some old ones I dug out of scans that I have.  They are of my Nan (on the left) and my Aunt Daisy (on the right).  Sadly we lost my Aunt Daisy on Saturday so I wanted to do something to remember her.  I will write a blog entry this weekend but for now here are a couple of photos to share with you of two amazing woman who I look up to, admire and love.

Redefining Myself

Strong, confident, intelligent, fun, goofy, geeky, are just a few of the words I would choose to describe myself. No matter what has gone on in my life I have always known who I am, what I want and have trusted myself. That is probably why I’m struggling right now because I have been feeling a little lost. The confidence I had in myself feels a little shaken. I know that the process of losing weight is a process and I think the fact that I’m trying to work through a lot of changes is what is creating this shaky feeling. I know that there are a lot of pieces that go into losing weight and one of those pieces is an emotional piece. I know that without working through the emotions and rewriting myself for a new me I won’t be able to maintain the changes. Knowing it and doing it are two very different things though.

Having grown up heavy and never knowing anything different has meant that I don’t have a reset point. A lot of people that I talk to that are working to lose weight put the weight on after. They have memories of what it is like to be smaller. They know what it feels like to be smaller. I don’t have memories of being thin and have never had to know who I am as someone that is at a healthy weight. The only knowledge I have is of being bigger than everyone else and feeling different from everyone else. As I make more and more changes in my life to become the healthiest me that I can be, I find that it makes me question everything else as well. I’m entering a world of the unknown.

It is a strange and almost overwhelming sensation to question everything you believe and have held to be true. I will admit that especially in the last few weeks this feeling has been following me a lot and it is a scary place to be in. For the first time in my adult life I feel completely insecure and it causes me to second guess everything. I am spending way too much time analyzing the things I say, the things I do, friendships, family – basically everything that I experience in my daily life. I even think that might be part of the problem with the writer’s block I’m currently experiencing. That is why I wanted to write this blog entry. I’m hoping in opening up about this, it will help me move past it. I also don’t think I can be the only person that is struggling with completely changing who they are.

Logically I know that this is a journey I need to take. I know that as I lose weight I will continue to have to redefine myself because I am changing. I am rewriting habits that I have had for 33 years. They are things I have never really thought about and probably things most people don’t need to think about but that play a big part in my life. Everything from popcorn at the movies, or dinners out with friends and don’t even get me started on the idea of dating. (I have no clue how I will tackle that when it happens because so much of my dating life has revolved around dinners or movies…hehe)

I accept that it is part of the process I need to go through to be able to make the lifelong changes I want to make. Part of me wishes it was easier and that I didn’t have to go through the self-doubt, redefining and rediscovering the person I am. I know that the words I listed above will still apply (or at least I think that they still will) but until I’m done there is a part of me that is scared of how it will all turn out. It is hard to put some of the questions in my mind to rest. Things like ‘Will I still be me when I’m smaller?’ or ‘Will my friends still accept me?’ or even ‘Will it change things in my connections to my family?’. Each of these questions and so many more float around in my brain and none of them really have answers. Most of them don’t even have ideas of what I want the answers to be. Not knowing the answers or being able to control the outcome is probably what is causing me the greatest anxiety. There is no question that I like to have the answers and if I can have control over something generally I take it (maybe with a few exceptions).

The good news in everything though is that most of the time I can focus on the positive things. The confidence that comes with knowing that I’m doing the right thing has made it possible for me to have faith that in the end everything will work out. I also count myself lucky that I can turn to my writing to help calm my fears. The pages of my journal are filled with writing and musings that help me to find some peace with all the changes that I have been making. I know that the challenges I’m facing are going to help make me a stronger version of myself when I’m at a healthy weight. I am excited to see the outcome. When I close my eyes and picture myself thin I see a happy active woman with nothing standing in her way. I know that she is inside me and I know that the future me is the person that I want to be. It is what carries me along this hard journey to lose weight.

Photo Wednesday: Greenery

Well I have missed a couple weeks but I'm back with lots more photos to share.  This week's photo is one of my favourites (yes I know I say that a lot - but really am I going to choose the non favourites...probably not...hehehe).  I figured with the snow that has fallen this week in Calgary a little green might be nice.  It is a picture of one of my cats, Molly.  Anyone that knows me knows I take a lot of photos of my cats, they are like my children in that respect I suppose.  The hard thing with the cats is getting a really good photo of them, especially of Molly. 

Whenever you pull out a camera Molly starts crying and whining and running away from the camera.  I figure she thinks it is going to steal her soul.  So when I can catch her off guard I'm always amazed at the photo.  I knew when I took this photo that it was good, but it wasn't until I blew it up that I realized just how much I liked it.  I love the way the green of the grass reflects in her eyes and I love that her head is just tilted enough to show she is curious about something. 

I have actually done more with this photo than I have with many.  Not only has it been printed as an 8x10 and put proudly and prominently in a scrapbook but it is also one of  the photos that often can be found on my computer desktop at work.  I have also put a 4x6 copy up on my wall of favourite photos.  It is one of the photos that I look at and think that maybe I can take good photos.  I hope you all enjoy it as well.

Happy Thanksgiving

It is that time of year again where people are planning big dinners and being thankful for the things in their life. This year Thanksgiving has actually left me feeling a little guilty. I got my first dinner invite a few weeks ago and they have kept coming but I have turned each one down. I decided I wanted to not do anything for this long weekend. After many weeks of running around and being busy the thought of a quiet weekend at home watching dvds, reading, writing and scrapbooking is calling my name. So that is what I have planned, complete with a homemade pizza with all my favourite toppings and a bottle of wine that I got out in BC. Of course it goes against the idea of holidays, which I have always felt should be spent with family (either our own or the ones we choose to be our family) which is probably why I am feeling guilty.

I am also feeling a little selfish for choosing to spend this holiday alone. I will admit that part of me is scared of any food centered holidays right now. It seems like I have only just been getting my weight loss under control again and there is a lot of fear that this day would completely derail me. I know it is an irrational fear and that had I prepared and planned I would have made it through the weekend without going off track. I know this day shouldn’t be about food but it is. I mean most of my Thanksgiving memories revolve around food, whether it was the year we had to have spaghetti because the turkey wasn’t thawed or last year when I made my first pumpkin pie. Thanksgiving more than any other holidays is about food, especially in my family. I guess I just wasn’t feel strong enough or confident enough to face that this year. I hope you will all forgive me this little bit of selfishness as I go through the process of changing my mindset and habits around food.

All this being said I am feeling guilty. I love all my friends and family that have invited me to share in their Thanksgiving dinners. I write this blog in hopes you will all understand that I have not turned you down (and in some cases said I was going to other dinners) because I don’t want to be with you but because I needed to be with myself this year. I know I probably could have just said this to all of you and you would have understood but I hate to disappoint anyone. I truly hope you will all understand and know that although I avoided this year’s Thanksgiving it has been done so that I can give you many more when I can appreciate the day as a time for being thankful rather than a time for eating turkey until it hurts.

I hope that all my friends, family and other readers of this blog have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I am thankful to have you all in my life. I look forward to spending many more holidays with you. I promise that this will be the only holiday I skip out on. Life is too short to avoid them forever but know that although I am not at your tables you are all in my heart.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Photo Wednesday: Sharing my Memories

This weeks photo is one that was taken this summer and one that has actually been included in a previous blog entry. 

This photo to me not only is one of the coolest moments of my life, but it also sums up why I scrapbook, create photo albums, sell Creative Memories and why I think preserving our memories is just about the most important thing you can do with your time.  Having my Paul Brandt scrapbook completed meant that I could share some of the memories I had from his concerts with him.  It gave me an opening to actually be able to have a conversation with someone that usually leaves me starstruck. 

That particular scrapbook though could also have been an album I created for a travel companion or maybe a calendar that I could give as a gift, or a photo panel done in memory of a loved one.  They are ways that I get to show the people that I love how much they matter to me. It makes the other person feel as good as it makes me feel to do it.

So for all of you who are checking out these photos or reading my blog take a look at your computer and pull out an image or two that you love and print them.  Put them in a picture frame or even just tack them to a wall.  You don't need to do anything fancy but do you really want to hunt through thousands of photos to find your favourites when you need a lift.  Trust me when I say that it's not as hard as it seems and that the rewards of surrounding yourself with your memories is a great boost to any mood.

Photo Wednesday: A Little Family Love

This week's photo was taken in August 2010 when my brother,sister and I invaded Vancouver Island and my parents home. 

I have a few reasons for loving this photo.  The first is that I have wanted to have a family photo for years.  Although my Dad enjoyed photography we never actually had a family photo done.  When I was scanning photos for a scrapbook I did find one that dad must have taken on a tripod but my brother is only a bump in my Mom's tummy so it shows how long ago that was.  So I love the photo because finally I have a picture of my whole family. 

The other reason I love this photo is because when I look at it I flash back to an amazing day where no one was fighting with each other.  We were laughing and having fun.  Dad was trying to chase away wasps and we were all just really goofy.  I sometimes forget how much I love my family (especially when we all butt heads, which when you are as strong willed as most members of my family, happens a lot) but it is moments like this that let me enjoy them and celebrate the fact they are my family.  I'm glad to have a photo to help me remember this moment in time.

My Weight Loss Journey Continues

It has been awhile since I wrote an entry about my weight loss journey, so I figured on the first real day of my holidays it was a good as any time to sit down and do some writing. I guess the reason I haven’t written about it is because there hasn’t been anything to write about. So now it’s time to fess up, clear the slate and start over back on track.

Like a lot of people I know who want to lose weight or are trying to lose weight I have fallen prey to the excuse monster. You know the monster that creeps up and whispers in your ear things like, ‘you can’t lose weight now you are on holidays’ or ‘you’ll start exercising next week when you can get proper sleep’ or one of the biggest ones for me, ‘you don’t need to try right now you are still dealing with the grief of losing a loved one’. I was creating excuse after excuse for not doing the things I needed to do and I had gotten really lazy when it came to things like tracking my meals. None of this helps if you want to lose weight.

The frustration that this was causing me was incredible. I hate when I know that I’m capable of doing something but am not actually doing it. I know it sounds a little weird maybe because I’m in charge of what I do or don’t do but as frustrated as I was getting at myself it wasn’t enough for me to actually restart doing the things I needed to continue to take the weight off.

I have been really lucky in that I don’t have any major health issues or knee pain or anything like that but how long will my luck last. The statistics all show the reality is that my weight if I keep it on will catch up to me. So a few weeks ago I just woke up and decided to put all the excuses down, let go of the frustration and forgive myself for having let things slide. I woke up to my very early alarm after a night that was later than I had expected but as tired as I was I still got up and worked out. It was something I hadn’t done in a while and I could tell but it felt great when I was done. I started to remember that amazing feeling you get when you push yourself to make your body move. The endorphins and energy that come and the satisfaction of knowing that you are doing the things you need to do. It was all I needed to remind myself to keep going. I have been working out most days since.

Food tracking was a different story. Getting my restart there has not been as easy. Tracking the way I used to (which when I first started was something I loved doing) with pen, paper, my calculator and food and dining out companion books wasn’t working. I had become far too lazy and lax with paper tracking it was very hard to get motivated. I tried to do the paper tracking again. I bought myself a new three month tracker but it wasn’t working. I would leave it at home or forget to take it out of my purse. I knew I needed to figure a new way to make the tracking work. I decided after a year of having my iPhone maybe it was time to actually try the two week free trial of the Weight Watchers e-Tools. Well low and behold I have now fallen in love with the silly app. I fully plan on keeping it. It has changed the outcome on my weight loss significantly which is why I wanted to talk about it a little. Tracking is no longer a chore I have to do but something I can do with ease. I don’t have to carry my calculator with me or my dining out books. Everything is stored in my phone which I always have with me. Sure there are other ways I could track, cheaper ways I could track but they weren’t working. In the grand scheme of things at just under $18 a month it is more than worth putting my budget.

I know that my story isn’t unique. I know that whether it is a weight loss goal or some other goal we all those moments where it just doesn’t seem like things are working. The advice that I share is to keep trying. Sit down and figure out what for yourself what you need and make it happen. Keeping trying different things until you find the one that clicks but don’t forget that what clicked before might not always be the best fit so don’t be afraid to change your mind and do something different. Perseverance can be a hard thing to master but if you keep trying eventually you are bound to come across something that works for you.

I think the other thing that I sometimes forget is that we don’t always need to make a big change to get big results. A small change can have a bigger impact than we think. It’s the ripple effect. If you drop a small pebble in water it creates waves that roll out from around it. So drop a small pebble in the center of your life and let the waves of change roll. That’s what I’m trying to do and I look forward to sharing the successes that I get from it.

Photo Wednesday: My Happy Place

Hello All,

  I have decided to take a note from a fellow blogger (and friend) and start doing some regular weekly postings with set themes.  The first I have decided to start is photo Wednesdays.  Most of you know I strongly feel that photographs are a very important part of our lives.  I work very hard to try and help people protect, preserve, display and celebrate their photos with one of my side jobs as a Creative Memories Independent Consultant.  I have decided to bring a little of that to my blog by sharing some of my favourite photos and what they mean to me.  I hope you will all enjoy the photos as much as I do.

This first photo is by far one of my very favourite photos of all time.  It was taken in 2008 while I was in Europe.  It is a library in a monastery in Melk, Austria.  When I look at the photo I can still smell that amazing smell of an old library - like old worn leather.  I can still remember clearly the awe I felt as I looked at all the old leather bound volumes and the desire to read all of the books.  It was by far one of the most peaceful and beautiful places I have ever been.  The true power of the photo for me (and why I turned it into a photo panel as well as why it is often my desktop background for my work computer) is that whenever I'm stressed or frustrated or in need of some creative inspiration I look at the photo and remember my few moments in that library and everything seems calmer.

The Flowers of War - a Movie Review

I have found one of the most moving and amazing movies I have seen in a very long time and I feel the need to tell everyone about it. I have never felt the urge to do a movie review before, because really I think most of you would just think I’m nuts for the movies I love but because I feel so strongly about this movie I figured I should say something. The Flowers of War may not be for everyone but I have fallen in love with it. It is a movie called based on a novel called “13 Flowers of Nanjing” by Geling Yan, which I purchased just yesterday and am looking forward to reading. (I will be reviewing the book on Boxes of Paper in a few weeks so stay tuned for that).

The movie takes place in Nanjing, China in 1937 during a massacre that happened during the Second Sino-Japanese War. For more information on the massacre check out Nanking Massacre on wikipedia. I will admit that even though I have studied a little Chinese and Japanese history I did not know of this event, or if I did I had filed it away behind all my world war history and forgotten about it which is a shame. I have added the event and time period to the list of history I need to learn more about though. So I will be doing a little research before long.

The movie tells the story of a Western mortician who ends up at a church that is full of young convent girls, one young boy but no adults at the start of the Nanjing Massacre. A group of prostitutes shows up seeking refuge from the massacre that is going on in the city at the church and although the young boy turns them away at first they jump the fence and force their way in. The movie continues to tell the story of these young convent girls and although they are in a great deal of risk from the invading Japanese we get to see how many people are willing to sacrifice themselves for the young girls to protect them against the invading soldiers. Everyone is just trying to protect and save their innocence from the cruelty that faces them in city that is being destroyed by an unspeakable enemy.

Although I am predisposed to noticing war type movies I will admit this one wasn’t even on my radar. I didn’t even know it existed. It was my random boy craziness and that led me to it one day when I was bored and searching on imdb.com. Anyone that knows me will know and appreciate that although I love too many movie stars to list, there are only a couple of stars that I really adore and that show up very predominately in my movie collection. One of those stars is Christian Bale. I have adored him since I first saw him in Newsies. (I will even admit quietly that for years when I wrote in my journal it was his name that was at the top of the page). Since then I have seen and bought a large majority of his movies and so when I came across this movie I picked it up without a second thought. Of course since I bought it while I was in the middle of my Camp Nanowrimo writing challenge it sat on my shelf until last week.

When I put it in the dvd player I didn’t really know what to expect and as usual when I watch anything I had my laptop out planning on doing some work with my photos while I watched. It only took a few minutes of the movie before I was closing the laptop having my attention completely drawn into the movie. The movie was impressive enough that I even forgot that I was watching Christian Bale (which for me is a bigish deal because I will admit I do have a tendency to watch movies so that I can day dream about whichever cute star is in it).

The movie was incredibly moving. There were moments where I wanted to scream at the tv and moments where I was left sobbing. There are some scenes that were very hard to watch but if you can get through them it is a very moving story. I like it for the same reason I tend to like holocaust stories, which is that although you get to see the absolute worst in people you also get to see the absolute best in people as well. Movies like this really make me think and wonder what I would do if I was in the situation. I like to think I would be selfless enough to do the right thing but I guess we can never really know for sure and hopefully I will never actually have to find out what I would do in such a situation.

I guess long story short if you are looking for a really good movie to watch and you are open to a few tears (or lots if you are like me and cry at everything) go out and pick up this movie. I will warn you that the images of the movie may stick with you but I think that is the point of a good movie. So although I may be biased because of Bale or the fact it is a history movie I still think it is worth a watch.

Bittersweet Victory

Just over a month ago I wrote a blog entry called Trying to Fight the Rusty Feeling and talked about my Camp Nanowrimo challenge that I was taking on. Well I’m very happy to let you all know that I succeeded in my challenge. I wrote and completed a draft of Stolen Moments. I can officially say I have written a novel, a full complete novel. I have started many projects but I have never actually finished one so it feels pretty amazing to me. I feel incredibly proud of what I accomplished.

I will say this the month was not without its challenges. There were times when I didn’t think I could write anymore and there were times when my characters just didn’t want to cooperate. I also had amazing days though where everything just flowed really well. Each day was a new journey and adventure and I really did love every minute of it. I’m also happy to say that I successfully beat the rusty feeling. I know that I can put words together and create a story again.

The last month felt like I had never left my writing and that was a blessing. I look forward to taking the momentum I gained and applying it to other stories I want to write. It’s finally time to tell some of the stories I have kept in my head for so long.

All of this is a little bittersweet though, because this story was one of the last story ideas I ever shared with my friend Will. He also infuses all the male characters of the story, especially the one I named after him. I was worried about the emotions I would have while writing it but for the month while I worked on the story I got to have my friend back. So now that the story is written as excited as I am to be done I’m missing my friend again. I did get a message on facebook from his wife though who said that she and him are proud of me. It was really nice and touched me more than words can express. I know that he would have loved the story and I know he helped me write it. I don’t know that I would ever try to get it published but I just want to say here that the story is dedicated to him. His love and support helped to write this and every time I read it he will be in my heart.

Thank you to all of you who are reading this that also supported me along the way. The messages on facebook, and the likes on my statuses all helped to keep me going. I value you all and I hope that I have told you each that at some point and if not consider it said now.

Thinking of You

It is hard to believe that a year has already gone by since I lost your voice in my life. It has probably been one of the longest years of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could open my email and have a message in my inbox from you. There are moments when I wish I would wake up one day and find out it was all a bad dream. Gradually, though, over the last year things have gotten easier. I can think of you without bursting into tears. I can remember the good stuff and not just how it felt when I found out you had died.

You were always my biggest cheerleader. You believed in me when I didn’t know that I should believe in myself. You opened my eyes to whole side of myself that may have gone unnoticed had it not been for you. I miss having you in my corner but deep down I know that you still are there. When I’m struggling with something I can hear your words in my mind. You gave me so much advice over the years I think I have something for almost every situation. As I have gotten back to my writing I can also hear you cheering for me again. I know you would be proud and would have gladly offered to read what I had written and offer your biased opinion on how good it is.

In the last year I have grown to realize a few things though that didn’t seem apparent to me at the time. The first is that even if you are no longer a phone call or email away I still have your words to keep reminding me of what matters. I’m grateful every day that I saved all of our emails back and forth. They mean more to me now than I ever could have realized at the time. They have let me keep your voice, advice and support alive. They are the perfect reminder of you when I’m really missing you.

The second thing I have started to realize is that I am stronger than I think I am. I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with my problems without you to get advice from but somehow in this last year of drama I have pulled through ok. So many things came to a head this year but I worked through them all and have even managed to find the old Jill again. I know I did some things you probably would have advised against but considering that things seem to be going really well now I guess I did all right.

The third thing I have realized is that life is far too short to be unhappy. I have learned to go after the things I need to make myself happy. I am also more quickly able to recognize the things that don’t and get rid of them. I’m always going to be a people pleaser but at least now I know not to let that get in the way of my own happiness.

These are all things you tried to instill in me when you were around. You were in a lot of cases the very first person to say things to me that I needed to hear and longed to hear. You gave me confidence in myself that I may have never have found.

So today, a year later, I raise a glass in your honour. William Gerber, I will never have another friend quite like you. I will never forget the gifts you have given me and will strive to live up to the expectations you had for me. I will miss you always and love you forever. Thank you for being such a good friend for the 10 years you were in my life. A girl couldn’t ask for a better best friend, mentor, cheerleader, sounding board or all around just good guy. You were a true gentleman.

These are my two previous entries about Will.

RIP Will
Remebering Will

Why Historical Fiction

I have just finished working on a book review of Sarah’s Key by Tatiana de Rosnay (which will be published on Friday) for my friend’s site, Boxes of Paper, and it got me to thinking about why I want to write historical fiction. For me I think the answer is relatively simple, I want to be able to experience those moments in history and to share them. Since I haven’t invented my time machine yet, writing lets me go back and walk the decks of the Titanic or fight in the trenches during World War I. I want to be able to write a story as moving as Sarah’s Key to make people remember.

The Holocaust is one of the areas which has always fascinated me. I read anything I can find on it, fiction and non-fiction, all in the hopes of trying to understand and make sense of it. It is a fascinating, albeit horrific time in history, which always shows the absolute best in people at the same time as showing the absolute worst. I think some of the fascination also comes from the fact that I can’t use logic to make sense of it. But in writing about it maybe I will be able to find a way to get a little closer to being able to put a little bit of understanding to it.

The desire to learn more and experience more guided me to take a tour in 2008 that was based around the lives of Anne Frank and Oscar Schindler. A lot of people thought I was nuts for picking such a dark tour for a vacation but for me when I found the tour I couldn’t imagine not doing it. The tour was beyond anything I could imagine. It brought me to a new level in my knowledge. It took all the history I had been learning and made it very real. To stand in the places where so many people died was incredibly emotional. It was a heartbreaking tour in a lot of ways and one that completely changed how I react to things I learn and read about that period now. To see the enormity of the camps or to see buildings crumbling because no family members survived to reclaim them made it all very tangible and opened my eyes more than any text book could have. I actually felt for the first time in my very soul the regret and sadness for all those people and all the potential that was wasted with their lives.

When I was on the trip the tour guide asked me at one point what I wanted to do with all the information I was getting and my answer was that I didn’t know for sure because what I wanted and what I felt that I could do were two very different things. I explained that I really wanted to write a historical fiction piece about the Holocaust but that I didn’t think I had the right to do so. It seemed almost wrong to me to write something fictional about something that I have no real frame of reference for. It didn’t feel like it was my story to tell.

If he was to ask me the same question again I think my answer would be a little different. It may not be my story to tell but what I realized as I was working on the book review is that I should still write the stories that are in my head about the Holocaust. Someone has to keep telling the story so it is not forgotten and although it may not be my story it is still important to me to share my knowledge. I wrote in my journal while I was on my 2008 tour that I would always remember them, the people that were lost, especially all the ones that had no one left to remember them. I meant that promise but I also want to make sure other people remember them as well.

This is what I see as the role of historical fiction, or at the very least what I want my historical fiction to be. I want to tell stories that will make people think, reflect and remember. Not everyone can go and visit places like Auschwitz and feel the chills that ran down my spine or the goosebumps that developed on my arms and neck but maybe as a writer I can cause that reaction. Maybe I can help to make sure that the millions that lost their lives for no good reason are remembered. Maybe I can create images that will stick with readers the same way the images I have from my tour have stuck with me.

Selfishly I also hope in writing a historical fiction piece that maybe I can start find a way to rationalize the irrational. Maybe I can find a way to put myself in the situation where I have to think about what I would have done and about the choices I might have made. Sure I will never have a true answer because hopefully I will never be put in a position where I have to make any of those decisions but I think it is worthy to think and question myself about.

Beating the Summer Heat

I have been busy working on my Nanowrimo story and am in need for a break from it so decided to share some photos from last weekend. Before I get to those I should mention for those curious my story is going really well. As of this entry I’m sitting at over 15000 words, and should be hitting over 16000 before I go to bed tonight. I’m a little bit behind the schedule I set out for myself but I’m still plugging away at a steady pace. I was able to get over the chapter that I most dreaded writing and my characters are being extra chatty so it’s helping to keep things moving. The only problem is a few characters have decided that they don’t want to be as minor as I had planned them and have created new scenes for themselves. hehehe (yes I know I sound crazy but when then again when I’m writing it is like I have voices talking to me so I guess it is crazy.) I’ll keep you all posted as the month continues.

So anyway last weekend while I was hanging out in Stirling, AB I was faced with 30-35 degree weather which is not something I enjoy. Instead of complaining though I just spent some time with my friend’s daughter, Artemis, splashing with her in her wading pool. Of course I should have known it wouldn’t end with some simple splashing. It ended up being a whole lot more fun and great way to beat the heat as I got hopeless picked on. Of course my friends rather than rescue me grabbed my camera and took pictures. So here are a few photos that I thought I would share from the watering incident and some of the other adventures that happened while we were hanging out. It was a great weekend with some of my best friends.

It's always Brennan.  He is Trouble :-)

You get more splash if  you turn around

I'm just a little wet.

Trying to share my beat the heat remedy.Lady - the latest addition to the groupAretmis with her favourite bday present and one of the my little pony cards she got.

Hungry or not Hush gets a bowl in the face

Hanging out around the fire.

Making about a million kabobs...it was a tonne of fun.