Will found me online when he came across some stories I had written. In the introduction to the story I had included an email address for anyone that wished to share comments or offer feedback and Will took me up on the offer. He sent me a rather lengthy first email full of information and feedback. Since he took the time to write me I felt obligated to respond back thanking him for the information and the encouragement to write more. These first two email started a string of emails all around stories I had written. Within a month our emails started to shift more to real life happenings and to getting to know each other. I found Will fascinating, with a whole wealth of experience and stories to share, which of course came from the fact that he was 25 years older than me. In my early emails I shared stories about what I was doing at university, my first boyfriend and ideas I had for writing. The more we wrote the more I knew we were very similar and like-minded, even if I was still pretty careful what I revealed.
Like most young adults (I was only 20 when we first started talking) I had a lot of drama in my life and because I have always been able to work things out best in writing, Will started to hear about a lot of it. This is when I discovered the true value in having a cyber-friend in my life. I could tell him anything and I would never have to see him, so any embarssament I might have had disappeared, along with any fear of judgement. If he didn’t like what I wrote he could stop responding, like many before him had. The cool thing of course is that he didn’t, and that unlike my journal this random person at the end of my writing could respond and he always did. Whether it was just a friendly word of support or maybe some advice I could always count on a response from him. We continued this way strictly over email and the odd snail mail letter for over a year.
Then at the start of the summer in 2001 my very first boyfriend broke up with me and I was devastated. Again I opened my email and wrote long letters with the struggles as I tried to stay friends with a boy I was in love with but who no longer felt the same about me. I decided early in the summer that I needed to get away from the city before going back to school so I could sort everything out and enter university with a clear mind, so I asked if maybe Will had ever thought about meeting in person. I thought going down to meet him and his wife and all the friends he had long talked about in email seemed like a great idea, not to mention I could escape the city and in fact the country. Plans were made and after a more than day long trip on the greyhound (through a scary border crossing and some pretty seedy greyhound stations I might add) I arrived in the middle of nowhere at 5am in the middle of a nasty thunderstorm, tired, nervous and scared no one was actually going to be waiting for me. I couldn’t help but think that I was about to enter into my very own horror story, where an unsuspecting girl goes off to meet a man she met online and he turns out to be a crazy axe murder. So as I stepped off the bus my instinct was to turn around and run back on but Will was in fact standing at the base of the stairs holding an umbrella out and with a smile on his face. He didn’t look like an axe murder (although then again who really knows what they look like) so I left the safety of the bus to follow him to his car. I will admit that now looking back on that meeting I’m not sure it was probably the smartest idea but then again when we are young do we really think logically about things like that. Hehe It has created a great story and memory for me though, one that I have shared often especially with people who are about to meet their own online friends.
The week that I spent in Ames was great. I spent my days wandering around exploring and my evenings hanging out with Will and his wife. I met a lot of Will’s friends and got to see how Will really spends his time instead of just reading about it. I did spend some of the week worrying about the impression I was making and being self-conscious but Will worked hard to make me feel completely comfortable. He was warm, sweet and very caring. Both Will and his wife welcomed me into their home, kept me fed and entertained. I got really get to know Will on a different level. I got to see that his intelligence wasn’t just online but that he really was a brilliant man. He became more real and I knew after the week that he would forever have a part of my heart. Sadly all vacations have to come to an end and this was no different, I had to go back home to start a new year at university and begin to deal with reality again. Once I got home I sent off an email thanking him for a wonderful time and making sure he still wanted to be a friend for fear the visit hadn’t been as positive for him as it had been for me. I should say I have had a lot of bad luck with online people who judge me based on my appearance and I feared Will would do the same. Of course since that was 10 years ago you all know that I was foolish for worrying. This trip was supposed to be the first of many more. Regrettably I never got back down to visit him again. I’m kicking myself for that now but I guess it just serves as a reminder not to procrastinate on life because you never know when it will disappear.
One thing that did come out of the trip though was the fact that Will forever became Will for me. Let me explain that a bit. Most of his friends and family call him Bill. When I came back from the trip I did ask him which he preferred I call him and he said I could use either and I decided that it would be Will. I guess since that is how I first met him and started addressing him it was engrained in my head. Bill never sounded right to me (of course I’m sure Will doesn’t sound right to all his friends and family either). Whenever I think of him it is always as Will and even when I see Bill written on something about him I still read it as Will. Funny how the mind works sometimes.
Over the years Will and I continued to trade emails, presents, cards and even some phone calls. He helped me deal with a couple more break ups with boyfriends and even what I should do when one friend proposed to me. He was there when my grandparents passed away and when my cousin Jamie was killed. I’m pretty sure he heard about every fight I had with my family and all the drama that came from my various work places. Will also got to hear about the good things in my life especially my various trips. He was the one that actually helped prepare me for the emotional wave that was going to hit when I visited Auschwitz. He was the first person I would tell when something really good happened or when I was excited about something. Will was also the only person I was every 100% honest to about my weight. I am pretty sure he knew me better than I knew myself, or at least he could see things in me that I didn’t always see. All the stuff you go through while growing up and finding yourself,f he was there for. He saw me go from a shy insecure girl to a more confidant and happy woman. I hope he realized how much of a role he played in my growth and how much I valued his opinions. I wouldn’t be the same person today had I not know him. I’m pretty sure I would still have been lost in my own head trying to sort things out. Will meant the world to me and he will be deeply missed. I will love him always and miss him forever, but I shall go on keeping him in my heart and memories.
My love goes out to his wife, family and friends. May you all find comfort in knowing how much he mattered to each of us.
“When a good bye is so unexpected and sudden, when the pain seems unbearable and the loss impossible it is the wise heart that knows that sometimes it has to look back and remember in order to look forward and hope.”
My deepest condolences for your loss. I wish there were more I could say or do. Hugs buttercup
ReplyDelete