Maybe Everyone Else is Right

I have always known that I wanted to write. Nothing has ever felt more comfortable and sure. Whether I have a pen put to paper or my fingers are clicking away on a keyboard nothing feels more like home to me. I have spent years and years writing. I have memories of sitting at the ice rink helping my dad run the cantina but actually busy scratching away in a notebook. Or of me sitting in the cafeteria at school ignoring everything else just so I can get out a few more pages before having to go back to class. I was driven to create and it didn’t matter what I was writing as long as I was writing.

I’m not really sure when it happened but as I left university writing started to drift away. Sure I have always kept a journal and have done a blog prior to this one but I was writing less and less. I got a responsible job and started doing other things in my free time. Occasionally I would pick up a pen to write (usually after seeing a movie that really touched me, or if I had read a book that I fell in love with) but mostly the stories were left untold in my head.

I know not writing was a choice even if it wasn’t one I made consciously but it was hard for me. The longer I spent away from my writing the harder it was to go back to it. I was doubting my ability to actually write. I started to feel like maybe I wasn’t meant to write and that maybe I should have done something more practical with my schooling. I often joke about being a sellout but the thing is I was feeling that way but it was because I wasn’t writing not because of the job I have. Writing was the one thing I have always wanted to do and I wasn’t doing it. It is no wonder I was feeling so out of touch with my writing. (Don’t get me wrong I do still think I’m a sellout but like a friend pointed out to me at least I can afford the things I want, which I guess is a good thing).

I write all of this because tonight as I was working on my Camp Nanowrimo story I had a major breakthrough with it. My characters managed to work out a major problem for me. (Yes I know it sounds crazy but looking through their eyes gave me new perspective). With that breakthrough I felt it again, that feeling of this is what I’m supposed to be doing. It scares the crap out of me because I don’t even know if I’m good at it but I do know nothing makes me feel happier or better about myself then seeing my words fill a page. I have to admit that even as I’m writing this I’m tearing up because of all the emotion that seems to be filling me right now.

I owe a great deal of this feeling to some very special friends. I have found support for my writing that I haven’t known in a while, support that I thought I lost last August. To have people believe in your skills even when you don’t is amazing. I’m still a little unsure of my skills and my ability to prove to myself that I can do this but damn it feels good to be trying.

Thank you for all of you who have supported me and believed in me as well as to those of you who still do. I’m sorry I haven’t always believed in your words and support. I write with all of you in my heart and soul. I hope one day to live up to the faith you have entrusted with me.