Bittersweet Victory

Just over a month ago I wrote a blog entry called Trying to Fight the Rusty Feeling and talked about my Camp Nanowrimo challenge that I was taking on. Well I’m very happy to let you all know that I succeeded in my challenge. I wrote and completed a draft of Stolen Moments. I can officially say I have written a novel, a full complete novel. I have started many projects but I have never actually finished one so it feels pretty amazing to me. I feel incredibly proud of what I accomplished.

I will say this the month was not without its challenges. There were times when I didn’t think I could write anymore and there were times when my characters just didn’t want to cooperate. I also had amazing days though where everything just flowed really well. Each day was a new journey and adventure and I really did love every minute of it. I’m also happy to say that I successfully beat the rusty feeling. I know that I can put words together and create a story again.

The last month felt like I had never left my writing and that was a blessing. I look forward to taking the momentum I gained and applying it to other stories I want to write. It’s finally time to tell some of the stories I have kept in my head for so long.

All of this is a little bittersweet though, because this story was one of the last story ideas I ever shared with my friend Will. He also infuses all the male characters of the story, especially the one I named after him. I was worried about the emotions I would have while writing it but for the month while I worked on the story I got to have my friend back. So now that the story is written as excited as I am to be done I’m missing my friend again. I did get a message on facebook from his wife though who said that she and him are proud of me. It was really nice and touched me more than words can express. I know that he would have loved the story and I know he helped me write it. I don’t know that I would ever try to get it published but I just want to say here that the story is dedicated to him. His love and support helped to write this and every time I read it he will be in my heart.

Thank you to all of you who are reading this that also supported me along the way. The messages on facebook, and the likes on my statuses all helped to keep me going. I value you all and I hope that I have told you each that at some point and if not consider it said now.

Thinking of You

It is hard to believe that a year has already gone by since I lost your voice in my life. It has probably been one of the longest years of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could open my email and have a message in my inbox from you. There are moments when I wish I would wake up one day and find out it was all a bad dream. Gradually, though, over the last year things have gotten easier. I can think of you without bursting into tears. I can remember the good stuff and not just how it felt when I found out you had died.

You were always my biggest cheerleader. You believed in me when I didn’t know that I should believe in myself. You opened my eyes to whole side of myself that may have gone unnoticed had it not been for you. I miss having you in my corner but deep down I know that you still are there. When I’m struggling with something I can hear your words in my mind. You gave me so much advice over the years I think I have something for almost every situation. As I have gotten back to my writing I can also hear you cheering for me again. I know you would be proud and would have gladly offered to read what I had written and offer your biased opinion on how good it is.

In the last year I have grown to realize a few things though that didn’t seem apparent to me at the time. The first is that even if you are no longer a phone call or email away I still have your words to keep reminding me of what matters. I’m grateful every day that I saved all of our emails back and forth. They mean more to me now than I ever could have realized at the time. They have let me keep your voice, advice and support alive. They are the perfect reminder of you when I’m really missing you.

The second thing I have started to realize is that I am stronger than I think I am. I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with my problems without you to get advice from but somehow in this last year of drama I have pulled through ok. So many things came to a head this year but I worked through them all and have even managed to find the old Jill again. I know I did some things you probably would have advised against but considering that things seem to be going really well now I guess I did all right.

The third thing I have realized is that life is far too short to be unhappy. I have learned to go after the things I need to make myself happy. I am also more quickly able to recognize the things that don’t and get rid of them. I’m always going to be a people pleaser but at least now I know not to let that get in the way of my own happiness.

These are all things you tried to instill in me when you were around. You were in a lot of cases the very first person to say things to me that I needed to hear and longed to hear. You gave me confidence in myself that I may have never have found.

So today, a year later, I raise a glass in your honour. William Gerber, I will never have another friend quite like you. I will never forget the gifts you have given me and will strive to live up to the expectations you had for me. I will miss you always and love you forever. Thank you for being such a good friend for the 10 years you were in my life. A girl couldn’t ask for a better best friend, mentor, cheerleader, sounding board or all around just good guy. You were a true gentleman.

These are my two previous entries about Will.

RIP Will
Remebering Will

Why Historical Fiction

I have just finished working on a book review of Sarah’s Key by Tatiana de Rosnay (which will be published on Friday) for my friend’s site, Boxes of Paper, and it got me to thinking about why I want to write historical fiction. For me I think the answer is relatively simple, I want to be able to experience those moments in history and to share them. Since I haven’t invented my time machine yet, writing lets me go back and walk the decks of the Titanic or fight in the trenches during World War I. I want to be able to write a story as moving as Sarah’s Key to make people remember.

The Holocaust is one of the areas which has always fascinated me. I read anything I can find on it, fiction and non-fiction, all in the hopes of trying to understand and make sense of it. It is a fascinating, albeit horrific time in history, which always shows the absolute best in people at the same time as showing the absolute worst. I think some of the fascination also comes from the fact that I can’t use logic to make sense of it. But in writing about it maybe I will be able to find a way to get a little closer to being able to put a little bit of understanding to it.

The desire to learn more and experience more guided me to take a tour in 2008 that was based around the lives of Anne Frank and Oscar Schindler. A lot of people thought I was nuts for picking such a dark tour for a vacation but for me when I found the tour I couldn’t imagine not doing it. The tour was beyond anything I could imagine. It brought me to a new level in my knowledge. It took all the history I had been learning and made it very real. To stand in the places where so many people died was incredibly emotional. It was a heartbreaking tour in a lot of ways and one that completely changed how I react to things I learn and read about that period now. To see the enormity of the camps or to see buildings crumbling because no family members survived to reclaim them made it all very tangible and opened my eyes more than any text book could have. I actually felt for the first time in my very soul the regret and sadness for all those people and all the potential that was wasted with their lives.

When I was on the trip the tour guide asked me at one point what I wanted to do with all the information I was getting and my answer was that I didn’t know for sure because what I wanted and what I felt that I could do were two very different things. I explained that I really wanted to write a historical fiction piece about the Holocaust but that I didn’t think I had the right to do so. It seemed almost wrong to me to write something fictional about something that I have no real frame of reference for. It didn’t feel like it was my story to tell.

If he was to ask me the same question again I think my answer would be a little different. It may not be my story to tell but what I realized as I was working on the book review is that I should still write the stories that are in my head about the Holocaust. Someone has to keep telling the story so it is not forgotten and although it may not be my story it is still important to me to share my knowledge. I wrote in my journal while I was on my 2008 tour that I would always remember them, the people that were lost, especially all the ones that had no one left to remember them. I meant that promise but I also want to make sure other people remember them as well.

This is what I see as the role of historical fiction, or at the very least what I want my historical fiction to be. I want to tell stories that will make people think, reflect and remember. Not everyone can go and visit places like Auschwitz and feel the chills that ran down my spine or the goosebumps that developed on my arms and neck but maybe as a writer I can cause that reaction. Maybe I can help to make sure that the millions that lost their lives for no good reason are remembered. Maybe I can create images that will stick with readers the same way the images I have from my tour have stuck with me.

Selfishly I also hope in writing a historical fiction piece that maybe I can start find a way to rationalize the irrational. Maybe I can find a way to put myself in the situation where I have to think about what I would have done and about the choices I might have made. Sure I will never have a true answer because hopefully I will never be put in a position where I have to make any of those decisions but I think it is worthy to think and question myself about.

Beating the Summer Heat

I have been busy working on my Nanowrimo story and am in need for a break from it so decided to share some photos from last weekend. Before I get to those I should mention for those curious my story is going really well. As of this entry I’m sitting at over 15000 words, and should be hitting over 16000 before I go to bed tonight. I’m a little bit behind the schedule I set out for myself but I’m still plugging away at a steady pace. I was able to get over the chapter that I most dreaded writing and my characters are being extra chatty so it’s helping to keep things moving. The only problem is a few characters have decided that they don’t want to be as minor as I had planned them and have created new scenes for themselves. hehehe (yes I know I sound crazy but when then again when I’m writing it is like I have voices talking to me so I guess it is crazy.) I’ll keep you all posted as the month continues.

So anyway last weekend while I was hanging out in Stirling, AB I was faced with 30-35 degree weather which is not something I enjoy. Instead of complaining though I just spent some time with my friend’s daughter, Artemis, splashing with her in her wading pool. Of course I should have known it wouldn’t end with some simple splashing. It ended up being a whole lot more fun and great way to beat the heat as I got hopeless picked on. Of course my friends rather than rescue me grabbed my camera and took pictures. So here are a few photos that I thought I would share from the watering incident and some of the other adventures that happened while we were hanging out. It was a great weekend with some of my best friends.

It's always Brennan.  He is Trouble :-)

You get more splash if  you turn around

I'm just a little wet.

Trying to share my beat the heat remedy.Lady - the latest addition to the groupAretmis with her favourite bday present and one of the my little pony cards she got.

Hungry or not Hush gets a bowl in the face

Hanging out around the fire.

Making about a million kabobs...it was a tonne of fun.

Maybe Everyone Else is Right

I have always known that I wanted to write. Nothing has ever felt more comfortable and sure. Whether I have a pen put to paper or my fingers are clicking away on a keyboard nothing feels more like home to me. I have spent years and years writing. I have memories of sitting at the ice rink helping my dad run the cantina but actually busy scratching away in a notebook. Or of me sitting in the cafeteria at school ignoring everything else just so I can get out a few more pages before having to go back to class. I was driven to create and it didn’t matter what I was writing as long as I was writing.

I’m not really sure when it happened but as I left university writing started to drift away. Sure I have always kept a journal and have done a blog prior to this one but I was writing less and less. I got a responsible job and started doing other things in my free time. Occasionally I would pick up a pen to write (usually after seeing a movie that really touched me, or if I had read a book that I fell in love with) but mostly the stories were left untold in my head.

I know not writing was a choice even if it wasn’t one I made consciously but it was hard for me. The longer I spent away from my writing the harder it was to go back to it. I was doubting my ability to actually write. I started to feel like maybe I wasn’t meant to write and that maybe I should have done something more practical with my schooling. I often joke about being a sellout but the thing is I was feeling that way but it was because I wasn’t writing not because of the job I have. Writing was the one thing I have always wanted to do and I wasn’t doing it. It is no wonder I was feeling so out of touch with my writing. (Don’t get me wrong I do still think I’m a sellout but like a friend pointed out to me at least I can afford the things I want, which I guess is a good thing).

I write all of this because tonight as I was working on my Camp Nanowrimo story I had a major breakthrough with it. My characters managed to work out a major problem for me. (Yes I know it sounds crazy but looking through their eyes gave me new perspective). With that breakthrough I felt it again, that feeling of this is what I’m supposed to be doing. It scares the crap out of me because I don’t even know if I’m good at it but I do know nothing makes me feel happier or better about myself then seeing my words fill a page. I have to admit that even as I’m writing this I’m tearing up because of all the emotion that seems to be filling me right now.

I owe a great deal of this feeling to some very special friends. I have found support for my writing that I haven’t known in a while, support that I thought I lost last August. To have people believe in your skills even when you don’t is amazing. I’m still a little unsure of my skills and my ability to prove to myself that I can do this but damn it feels good to be trying.

Thank you for all of you who have supported me and believed in me as well as to those of you who still do. I’m sorry I haven’t always believed in your words and support. I write with all of you in my heart and soul. I hope one day to live up to the faith you have entrusted with me.