The First Real Entry (aka Catch Up)

Every journey needs to start somewhere and for me the journey to lose weight has started and stopped many times. My most recent (and last) start of my weight loss journey started nearly a year ago on March 12, 2009, on one of the most devastating days in my life. To understand the true tragedy of that day for me you should know that I had joined weight watchers for the first time several years before and had some success with it. I had managed to originally lose 50 pounds and was thrilled, but life happened as it often does and I stopped going and weight loss went on the back burner, while I dealt with new challenges, like working two jobs and trying to deal with the politics that came from an office job which I had never really experienced before.

Anyway that day in March was a day that would change my life completely. Now it may seem a bit trivial, when you consider life and death and other major occurrences we all deal with that a weigh-in could be a tragedy, but to me that day it was. When I weighed in I knew that it was going to show I had gained weight, but I was not expecting the total I saw. After fighting hard to lose 50 pounds the first time I discovered that not only did I gain the 50 pounds back but I also gained another 50ish pounds more. At the highest weight I had ever been I felt crushed. I left the weigh in and went to my car (as I had taken the day off work and had only come in to weigh in) and I cried. I cried because I had gone from 295-300, at my lowest weight to 405 pounds (I know shocking and scary, and not something I thought possible.) I was disappointed and mad at myself. I felt like a failure, but at the same time there was also a sense of hope. I felt that things couldn't get any worse. It was my rock bottom moment and I knew that now things could only get better. It was some what freeing to realize this. After much thought and tears I realized that although at that moment I felt like a failure I really wasn't. The only way I could fail is if I was no longer willing to try to fix things and I resolved that I would never stop trying. Success was and is the only option. I will never return to that moment in my life, I will never again weigh as much as I did Mar 12, 2009.

Now nearly a year later, I have not lost as much weight as I would have liked but I have learned a lot about myself and my body. Somewhere over the last year I finally accepted myself for who I am. I have learned the things that work and a lot of things that don’t. I have learned that gaining weight does not mean I’m bad or a failure but that sometimes it is a part of the journey. I’m also learning that the more I let people in the easier it is (hence why I started the blog ;-) and that with a clear goal in mind it is much easier to choose to do the right things. Actually in writing and thinking about it choice may actually be my most valuable gained knowledge. Realizing that everything I eat and do is a choice is one of the most freeing things. It makes me completely responsible for my life and how it will turn out. It is empowering.

That is where I am coming from now. I am feeling powerful and in control. I have hope for the future but it is excitement for the changes I’m seeing now that will get me to that future. Now all of you are up to date on my journey. You also all know exactly where I am coming from. Until this entry only myself, the weight watchers people and a best friend have known what my weight is. It was time to fess up and admit to the world what I pretended wasn't true.

I look forward to sharing my future with you all. With all your love, support and encouragement I will reach my goal weight, and will find a way to help others reach their goals as well.

On a side note for those of you wondering when I’ll be doing my updates my plan for this blog is to write at least once a week on weigh in days (usually Saturdays), so I can keep you all posted on my progress or struggles depending on the day/week.