My Reality, My Journey, My Story!: May 2018

I have spent all day attempting different versions of this blog. How the heck do I capture a moment in time that feels as monumental as yesterday’s Calgary Marathon Jugo Juice 10k feels? Every time I stand up or move around today I am reminded by my screaming calf and ankle that I accomplished something I don’t think I actually believed I could do. The crazy part is every time I feel my body aching and complaining I find a huge smile crosses my face and I can’t help but laugh in triumph. I proved to myself yesterday that I really can do anything I set my mind to. It is a pretty powerful lesson to learn about yourself and one that I know will continue to help me move forward with anything that comes my way in the future.

A year ago today I came home from the 2017 Calgary Marathon feeling at my lowest. I woke up that morning excited, expecting to complete my first 10k only to realize that my body wasn’t going to let that happen. I have never quit anything that really mattered to me, until that moment, and that left me with a stronger desire to get it done. I knew that day that I would be back and would try even harder. As much as I wish I never feel the way I did in 2017 again, it did make for a much sweeter finish this year.

To say that this 10k was the hardest thing I have ever done sounds a bit like an exaggeration but I cannot think of another time when I have pushed myself so hard. There were two major aspects to this race that made it hard, one being the mental aspect and the second being the physical part of getting it done. As hard as I have worked on both sides I’m still amazed at the challenge I was presented with.

Mentally I knew going in that this race was going to be a challenge. Having had to quit last year has haunted me and the often turned voice inside my head into a negative one. It came out when I went for walks before the race and during a lot of the training I was doing. It kept me from registering right away for the 10K because part of me wasn’t sure I could do it and I didn’t want to waste the money. I found myself thinking that all the people who have ever said that I shouldn’t run or couldn’t run might be right. I also found myself questioning my commitment to racing. It makes for a weird headspace. I have spent the last 6 months visualizing the race and trying to mentally prepare for the negative voice that I knew would pop up. I have to say that doing that is probably one of the things that made this race possible. It didn’t make the negative talk go away but it did make it possible for me to get back on track and turn it positive.

There were distinct divisions in my mental game as the race went along. During the first 2k I found myself really focused on my breathing and my heart rate. My brain was questioning if I could do it, if I should do it and if I would be safe to do it. This of course comes directly from the attempt last year. Once I hit 2k though I knew I was committed to the race…or mostly anyway. Between 3-6k I started to play another game in my mind. By this point I had a cop escort following me to mark the end of the 10k race and between 3-5k I was thinking 'I wonder if I could just hop a ride and catch up with the pack'. After 5k this changed to 'well at least I have done a 5k I wonder if I can just tap out and hop a ride back to the finish line'. Luckily my brain was taking this as a joke so I don’t know how seriously I was contemplating it but especially as physically things were getting tough at this point it was interesting to hear that line of thinking.

The 7k mark was when I finally realized that I could do this. As I passed the marker it was like I could see the couch at the end of the finish line and knew if I could just keep pushing a little further it would be over. The negative talk seemed to become quieter at this point. I had beat that negative at least sort of into submission and my brain finally accepted that the only outcome to the race was the finish line.

Of course just because my brain had accepted that I would cross the finish line didn’t mean my body was there. Physically I have never pushed myself this hard ever. By the halfway mark I was fading. It was harder to move my legs, my left calf was cramping off and on and my legs were getting tired. As hard as I had worked this year to be more consistent with my training the extended winter did have an effect on my outdoor long walk/runs so I definitely wasn’t in the shape I had hoped to be although I was closer to where I wanted to be than I was last year. By the 8k mark I had nothing left in me. I could feel my body struggling. I was alternating between hungry and nauseous and my hands were shakey. I was definitely showing signs of dehydration in spite of all the water i was drinking. If I was going to quit that would have been the time to do it but I knew at that point I wasn’t going to. I was not willing to say that I had got to 8k and had to tap out so I willed my body to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I crossed that finish line.

Looking back today as I nurse my sore muscles I have to say that my body went above and beyond what it should be expected to do. I pushed it to its edge and I’m paying the price today but you know what, I would do it again. This race reminded me of why I’m fighting so hard to lose weight and change my lifestyle. I love being out there running (or in this case walking) but it does not love my body. There is no doubt that at my size it probably isn’t the smartest thing I could be doing but I also know that is exactly why I need to be doing it. I will continue to join races and push myself because it will continue to push me to make the changes I need to make my body be able to keep up with my imagination and dreams.

I do have to say that as much credit as I will take for that 10k yesterday and as much as I know the effort and desire all came from me, I honestly don’t think I could have done it without all the support I received leading up to, during and even after the race. It amazes me every time I join a race at just how wonderful and supportive the running community is. Surrounded by people that are healthier, faster and fitter than me, I never expect to receive such support and yet every race I see it and feel it. This year more than ever I feel like I wouldn’t have made that finish line without some help that I found from various sources. The next few messages are shout outs to some of the people who I have so much gratitude for and who I know played a big part in me getting across that finish line.

First I want to thank all my friends who have been cheering me on for years as I try to push myself and do these races. I have the best friends in the world. I got many texts and well wishes the day of my race and during my race. I was also lucky enough to have four of my friends (Judith, Tracy, Tina and Rob) waiting for me at the finish line. As tired as I was, seeing them there made me smile and forget that all I wanted to do was lie down…well mostly anyway. Judith thank you for popping up along the route to cheer me on, I’m totally sorry I sent you ahead of me those final few kms but I’m glad you were still there when I got it done. Tina and Rob seeing you there was amazing. I know you were both probably tired from your own races but I’m glad I could share my triumph with you both especially since you both got to be there the first time I finished a 5k (you guys might just be my good luck charms). Tracy, I’m so glad you decided to join me again this year for the race. It is way more fun doing bib pickup with someone and it is a great excuse to have a couple dinners with one of my oldest friends. Thank you to all of you.

I think the next thank you has to go to all the volunteers at the Calgary Marathon. Everyone was so amazing. The energy you gave out was contagious. The smiles and the encouragement especially along first part of the 10k route when I was out on my own made things seem possible. From the people keeping me going the right way, to the ones giving me much needed water, to the medical bike people that kept coming by to check if I was okay and needed anything, you were all amazing. I’m grateful for every smile and every kind word and every joke you passed along to me.

I couldn’t write this blog and not shout out a thank you to the Calgary Police. We take it for granted that you will keep us safe and I know it’s probably often a thankless job. All along the course you guys were there to keep traffic controlled and keep us all safe. Being at the end of the 10k I probably got more of a chance to appreciate it than most. There were a couple spots where traffic was moving again but you were quick to stop it when I was ready to cross so that even just being on my own I didn’t have to worry. Specifically to the police who were at memorial and 4^th (I think that was the intersection) thank you for not rushing me across when I had to deal with a calf cramp first. It meant a lot to have you guys support me by the simple act of just telling me to let you know when I was ready. And I can’t lie it was pretty cool to watch three of you just go out and stop everyone so I could cross. I also have to say thank you to all the police who smiled as I went passed or said good job it did make a difference to me.

Of course when talking about the police supporting the race I do have to take a few minutes to send a special thank you to my escort, Kelly (god I hope that is your name because my post-race brain is making me second guess that I am remembering it right…hehe.) I'm sure following the world's slowest racer probably wasn't what you expected for your day but I appreciated it. Last year I got weirded out when I was at the end of the race. I felt bad and slow and that did play a role on my choice to quit so this year when Kelly pulled up beside me and just let me know he would be following behind me part of that weirdness came back. I quickly apologized about being slow and he quickly put me at ease. He told me to take my time and that it was okay. Every so often, usually when I was stopping to take a quick break in the shade or on a bench to stretch he would pull up beside me to check on me. I can only imagine what he was thinking (friends and I have been joking about him rehearsing his cpr steps just in case) but he always had a smile on and an encouraging word to keep me going. After the first couple of stops I did ask his name so that I could remember (still crossing my fingers it is right…LOL) because I knew he was someone I wanted to thank. Even as I write this tears are coming to my eyes for the gratitude I have for this guy. The final 2k as I mentioned above were tough but he kept encouraging me forward. On the last hill he was beside me the whole way up. At one point he said just put one foot in front of the other and its one less step you have to take and it stuck in my head and I just focused on it. It became my mantra for the rest of the race. When we hit the end of the race as I was coming up to the area where the runners go through to the finish line he had pulled ahead and then got out of the car and walked back to me. He walked with me to the corner before I headed in. If I had anything left in me at that point I’m sure I would have cried. It was the nicest thing a stranger has ever done. He wished me well and said maybe he would see me again next year. I shook his hand and said thank you and I went to finish the race. I wanted to give him a hug but that felt like it was probably a bit weird but the gratitude was and is there and will always be there. So if you ever happen to see this blog just know your kindness meant the world to me. I do hope I will see you again next year but hopefully you won’t have to follow me.

Yesterday was such an amazing day. To cross something like this 10k off my bucket list and know that it is just another step closer to me being able to have the life I have always wanted is a pretty crazy thing to experience. The only thing I know for sure coming out of it is that I will be finding a special place for that medal. Not only is it my first since none of the 5ks I have done have ever had them but it is a reminder that if I can do a 10k now just think of what I will be able to do when I’m half the size. It is also a reminder that not only can my body do more than I think it can but my determination is also stronger than I give it credit for.

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop” - Confucius

I figured I would end with sharing a few of my fav pictures from the day. Thank you to everyone who helped make this day special. I have so much love and gratitude for you all.