A Pep Talk to Myself

This entry started as I finished my 5K run this morning.  I wasn’t going to actually write and post it but as the day has gone by I realized that everyone needs to give themselves a pep talk now and then.  What surprised me though was the timing of my need for a pep talk but upon reflection it makes sense and even taught me a lesson.

This week was an amazing and surreal week.  Everyone wants to celebrate with me and the fact that I accomplished my 5k run last week.  People are praising me and excited for me.  It’s a lot of attention for someone who has spent most of her life trying to go by unnoticed.  I have been surrounded by so much positive energy it has been beyond words.  Added to all of this the fact that I went clothes shopping and all the shirts I bought were 1 size smaller than the last time.  It left me feeling pretty excited and proud of myself. 

I discovered the flip side to all this good energy and excitement.  After a week of hearing how good I am and how proud people are of me I would be lying if I said it didn’t start to go to my head a little and had me feeling a wee bit over confident.  I was pretty sure that today I was going to do my 5k run in under an hour and I expected it to be easy.  I mean after the challenge of the Canmore course how hard could the fairly flat pavement of my local park be?  I put on one of my new shirts and laced up my runners and headed out.  I started strong but by the second and third kilometers the usual doubts and struggles crept in.  My calves began to burn, my back felt tight and my breathing was a challenge.  I have come to learn that this is pretty normal for me and generally I can get through it and keep going.

Today it got to me though.  I quickly got lost in my head.   I found myself doubting all my progress and all the work I have done.  I was wondering why it was still so hard and thought about just cutting the run short.  I was able to talk myself out of quitting though.  I told myself that as long as I kept moving and could do the 5k I was still on the right track.  By the last kilometer I gave up on even trying to run and just walked.  I was mad at myself for giving up and not pushing harder and as the 1 hour marked past I was even more frustrated because today was supposed to be the day I was going to post that I succeeded in my goal to get it under an hour.  I started to feel sorry for myself.  The crazy thing in all of this is that I still finished the 5k in a decent amount of time (1h 6m 42s – which is still my second fastest time).

When I got to the car and plugged my iPod into my car the Miley Cyrus song The Climb came on.  Sometimes I think my iPod just knows what I need to hear.  It is one of my favourite songs on my workout playlist (don’t judge and even if you do I don’t care…hehehe).  Coupled with the run and the frustration I was feeling it made me realize something.  The reality of this journey is that running, working out and even eating properly are probably always going to be a challenge for me.  It is easier for me to choose to be lazy and to eat junk then it is to really choose to live a healthy life.  It is that challenge though that makes things like last week’s race so special.

The harder it is, the more you really have to want it.  The more you want it the more you push to get it.  There have been very few things in my life that I have ever wanted as much as I want to be healthy and fit.  I want it to so much that I see myself as already there.  I forget sometimes that although my heart and soul say I’m an athlete, my body still hasn’t caught up yet.  That doesn’t mean that it won’t, it just means that I have to keep working at it.  Each day I make the right choices, each day I lace up my runners at the gym and each day I run or walk any distance are all days that are bringing me closer to the athlete that lives in my soul.

There will be a day in the not too far off future where I will actively seek to make my runs harder and where I will be able to run like all the people that seem to do it with ease that I envy.  I suspect (okay I know) that even when I’m at that point, I will still have days like today where things just don’t click, days where I end up feeling sorry for myself and frustrated with my progress.  I will try to remember though that it will pass.  I will reach the next goal and set a new one.  I will celebrate and stall out.  It doesn’t matter how easy or hard it is or what gets in the way (including my own brain) as long as I just keep tying up my shoes, putting one foot in front of the other and going for it. 

“There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there

Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side

It’s the climb” – Miley Cyrus – The Climb

Rocky Mountain Soap Women’s Run

I had planned to write this entry on Sunday night, however the day proved a little too emotional and exhausting which meant that I had a hard time putting my words into any sort of order.  As great as Terry Fox was (which you can read about here) this race had a much bigger impact on me.  I have decided to do something a little different with this entry.  What is going to follow is actually my journal entry from the 24^th.  As I mentioned Sunday was pretty emotional so I will add in the missing pieces to help me create the complete picture and try to make coherent some of the rambling.  The entry was written in three sections and large parts of it were written with tears running down my face.  I will keep the journal entry in black with anything I’m adding in red.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 1

It is race day and of course my body figures 5am is a good time to wake up.  I’m excited and nervous.  My tummy is full of butterflies but I’m ready and determined.  I am just going to try and remember that for every uphill there will be a downhill.  As long as I keep moving I will be kicking ass. (By the end of the race I was arguing this point.  Logic says since we ended at the same spot we started that up and down balanced out but it sure felt like there was a lot more up than down.) 

My goal today is to have fun, do my best and just enjoy the day.  Canmore is beautiful.  I’m with friends & doing something I enjoy.  Today will be awesome.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 2

I survived.  It was way harder than even I could have expected.  There were a couple of quite intense hills.  It was really hot.  I did it though.

I had one scary moment after the race.  I was eating a cookie and suddenly felt horrible.  I’m pretty sure I was close to passing out.  I got tunnel vision and the world got hazy.  Apparently I also got quite pale.  We moved to the shade and Tracy got me water.  It was pretty scary but I guess it shows I left it all on the trail.  (Well at the very least I worked hard and pushed myself harder than I have ever pushed myself before.  I suspect it was a combination of many factors but I will never forget that feeling or how grateful to all of my friends for making sure I was okay.)

It was an emotional run.  As we were getting close to the end I started to get choked up.  Someone yelled ‘you are almost there’ and I just had this wave of emotion.  I actually had to slow down and stop on the hill because when I start to tear up my throat gets super tight and trying to climb a hill as you are doing that is a bit challenging.  This was the only time I actually had to stop on the race so I could catch my breath and get my head right so I could keep going.  Then as I came around the last corner to head towards the finish line I saw Daisy’s (my trainer) friends, Anna and John with a sign for me.  As I looked down towards the finish line getting ready to run to the finish I was greeted with a huge surprise.  Anne and Rose (two friends from work and part of my theatre crew) were there with signs and hats and I started crying.  I felt so loved it was amazing.  As previously noted I can’t cry and run at the same time so I walked across the finish line but I will remember that moment anyway.  It was worth the minute or so it probably cost me on my time.  I have said it before I have the world’s best friends!

Just after I finished a stranger came up and gave me a huge hug.  She told me she finished last in the 5K last year and that she has since lost 125 pounds.  She came over to congratulate me and tell me she was proud and that I could do it.  It was such a very cool genuine moment.  (It was also a little strange for me.  I’m not used to hugging random sweaty strangers but she was very lovely.   This journey has offered me such a great opportunity to meet people.  It is helping me be more open to so many experiences and just embrace them for what they are.  It is showing me that for all the people who have called me names, made fun of me or anything else that there are just as many amazing people ready to cheer me on and encourage me.  I truly feel blessed and amazing.

As hard as today was I can’t wait to do it again.  I didn’t run as much as I had hoped or planned but I do think I beat my Terry Fox run time although I don’t know for sure yet.  I am so proud of what I have done.  I’m only going to get stronger and better.  It is such a weird mix of emotions.  I’m happy, sad, tired and proud.  It is such a huge accomplishment.

The next little section is written to my friend Will who passed away in 2011.  Anytime I do amazing things he is never far from my mind.  I miss you Will and wish you were here to share this.  You were the first person to really believe in me and the first to convince me that I am special and capable.  You opened the door for this journey.  I will forever be grateful of that.

Sun May 24/15 – Part 3

The time is in.  It took me 1 hour 13 minutes and 1 second.  I can’t help but be proud of that.  It was 3 minutes faster than Terry Fox and the course was way more difficult.  We ended up doing the same trail as the strollers which apparently is a much harder race because you have to climb up again before the finish line.  I am truly just happy that it all worked out.  I will get faster and stronger.  I do have to say as much as I question my sanity during the run I do truly love this.  I don’t know I like running so much but I have never felt anything else like it.  I can’t wait until I can just relax into the run and go.

Anyway I’m exhausted, sunburnt, and pretty much ready for bed.  My brain isn’t making much sense anymore. 

I am so glad that I signed up for this race.  I knew it was going to be challenging and I do very strongly question the course description that lists “moderate hills” but I wouldn’t change a thing.  It was tough enough to make me want to keep improving myself but I still manage to at least accomplish one of my goals (to be my Terry Fox time) so I still get that rush of pride.  I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me next. 

Here are a few photos from the race.  Before sharing the photos though I would like to say thank you to everyone who have supported me on this journey so far.  Thank you to all my friends, old and new.  A special thank you to Rose, Anne, Anna and John for coming out with signs to cheer me on – it made my day.  Also a special thank you to the stranger that shared her story with me – it is so inspiring to know other people are doing this journey too.  Most of all I want to thank my trainer.  She not only showed me a new way to train to run but she has also talked me through many challenging moments including Sunday’s race.  Daisy has helped me come a long way in the last 6 months.  I am grateful and blessed for all the people I have in my life.

My crazy trainer and I pre-race.

Two of my longest friends - Kendall, Tracy and little Grayson.

Rose, Daisy, Me, Anna, John, Tracy, Kendall
Anne, Grayson

Rose, John, me, Anne, Kendall
Anna, Daisy, Tracy, Grayson

I love these shots together and how much better my shirt fits now.  As soon as I put them together I felt a huge wave of pride and accomplishment.  You can do anything if you put your mind to it.

Ready or Not…

It seems like ages ago that I got up on January 1^st and registered myself for my next 5K run.  I decided it would be the first thing I was going to do in 2015 as a symbol of how I planned to spend this year – being active.  Well 5 months later I’m only a few days out from running my second race ever.  Tonight I have been thinking about the last 5 months and know that there is nothing else I can do now to change the outcome of Sunday’s race.  Ready or not this race will be run. 

I have to say that I feel a lot more confident going into this race than I was going into the Terry Fox, last September.  I have been incredibly blessed with a trainer who has been super willing to find answers for me when she isn’t sure of the best way to train me.  (I mean it’s not every day someone my size says hey I want to run, how do we get me there…thank god for her patience.)  When I started telling her about my struggles with running and my desire to have a training plan she found answers and came up with a plan.  The day she presented it to me I looked at her like she was nuts.  She proposed a plan in which I would run at a snail’s pace for 30 seconds and then walk for 30 seconds and repeat.  As the weeks would go by I would increase my running time.  To say I had major doubts is probably an understatement.  I left telling her I was doubtful it would work but that I would at least try it. This was and so far is the only time I have ever really second guessed my trainer.  I didn’t think it was possible to do such short intervals and be able to keep my breath and not want to die.  I’m glad to say I was proven wrong and I have never been happier to eat a little crow and tell her I was wrong.

The last couple of months have been following her plan and working my way up not only to longer run intervals on the treadmill but also to running longer distances every Sunday when I hit local parks to run set distances outside.  The results have blown me away.  I went from hardly being able to do intervals outside on my first couple Sunday’s to now running almost all of them.  Outside I’m still doing 30 seconds on and 30 off but the consistency is night and day to what it was.  In the gym on the treadmill I have been able to increase my interval time to 45seconds on and 30 seconds walking which means I’m officially running more than I walk.  This thrills me in so many ways.

Having spent the last few months working so hard on training I feel super excited to see what Sunday will bring.  When I signed up on Jan 1^st my original goal was that I would run the 5K in under an hour.  When my trainer gave me my new training plan I decided to change that goal because running at a slower pace I didn’t actually expect that it would be possible plus I had major doubts with the terrain of the run.  So I changed my goal to just run more than I walk since the last race I did I walked way more than I ran. 

Now at the end of the training I once again am looking at my goals.  On Sunday I ran my fastest 5K yet.  I finished the training run in 1 hour 3mins and 19 seconds.  I was so close to being under 1 hour that it is all I have been thinking about since Sunday.  I’m trying to keep things realistic and know that my run is taking place in a location that will have hills, which I have done some training on but it’s not my strongest strength but there is a part of me that can’t help but hope I can pull off this run in less than an hour.  That being said I figured it was worth sharing my goals.  So here is what I hope to accomplish on Sunday.

1. To consistently run my intervals as much as possible.  I may not be able to do the whole 5K alternating 30 on and 30 off but it is my plan to run as many of them as possible even if I’m only just barely jogging.  The struggle will be in the 2^nd and 3^rd kilometers.  These are typically the kms where my brain likes to try and get in my way.

2. To beat my Terry Fox run time.  I finished my first 5k in 1 hour and 16 minutes.  I will consider this race a success even if I do it in 1 hour and 15 minutes.  There is some fear that with the hills I will actually have a longer time and if that happens I will be a little crushed but if I have done the first goal I will still be happy and proud of all that I have done.

3. My third goal is not so much a goal as a dream.  I would really like to finish my 5K in under an hour.  If I had run all my intervals last Sunday I would have finished in under an hour of that I’m fairly confident.  I’m counting on the fact that I will have my trainer with me (because she is awesome and signed up to support me) and the adrenaline of the race to help push so that hopefully I can push through the hard spots and kick some ass.  If I don’t accomplish this 3^rd goal I will still be over the moon excited with my results but this would be the icing on a pretty fabulous cake if I can do it.  I might even have to reward myself with a piece of cake if I do this ;-)

Whatever happens on Sunday I know that I have given my all so that I am as prepared as I can be.  I have worked hard and consistently for more than a year and have been specifically training for this race for months now.  Since completing the Terry Fox I have gotten stronger, more confident and gained more skills to help me on this journey.  I am also carrying 25 less pounds than I did the last time which helps.  I am so proud of myself.  I keep reminding myself that no matter what happens on Sunday I will still leave that race a winner.  

One of the photos from a 6 month photo session to help document my journey

One of the photos from a 6 month photo session to help document my journey

Photos taken by HelloLuv Photography