No Fear – Weight Loss Edition

No fear is a mantra that I have adopted for 2014.  It wasn’t something I planned to adopt but something that feels like it applies to how I want to live my life this year (and beyond).  The idea itself came out of my resolutions (although I probably owe the seed that started it to the friends who have nicknamed me courage girl) when I decided I wanted to blog more.  When I looked at all the things I had written and not posted it was obvious to me that I was in most cases just too chicken to put them up.  Well once I started thinking about no fear when it came to my writing I also started to realize it was applying to a lot of my other resolutions as well so I might as well just make it my mantra.  It runs through my brain when I’m doing something, especially if it is something I don’t want to do or have shied away from in the past.  Saturday became the first day though I really had to apply the mantra and make the decision to live by it.  It also became the day when I realized how important the idea behind it is to me.

When I first started my blog I created a little spot on the side that I could update with my weight loss.  It started with a grand total of the weight I wanted to lose and how much I had lost so far.  The plan was to update it each week and it went well at first until I started to gain weight.  I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself and so I just stopped updating it.  Looking back this was a huge mistake because it allowed me an excuse to ignore that little box.  Over the past few years (usually around the start of the year) I refresh the little box and make the same plans to update it regularly and each time the same thing has happened.  So this year as I updated it again I took some time to think about why something that should work as a powerful tool to inspire myself (and hopefully others) is so hard to update regularly and the answer was simple – fear. 

I will willingly admit that I am a perfectionist and maybe a little bit competitive.  If I’m going to do something I want to make sure I do it the best I can and better than anyone else.  These traits although probably not the most desirable have served me well in a lot of things but I have also started to realize that they have a negative side that I hadn’t been as willing to notice.  When it came to my weight loss (and a few other things like school) if I couldn’t do it the best or perfectly I wouldn’t try because then at least I have an excuse as to why I’m not at the top.  When it came to updating my weight loss spot on the blog the same problem was creeping in.  I wasn’t willing to admit to myself or anyone else that I was struggling and any less than perfect.  I didn’t want to show people that my weight wasn’t always dropping because in my head I felt like I should always be losing.  It was the expectation that I put on myself.  The problem with this is that it started to create a great deal of shame for me.  Rather than deal with the disappointment of not losing my solution instead was to ignore it and not do any updates.  I would just tell myself that it was okay to skip a week because I will just update it again when I’m down.  (This became a big issue when I gained all the weight I lost back after a friend’s passing.)

So on Saturday when I was faced with the first gain of the year I had a choice to make – either I ignore it or I post it.  So I chose to post it.  This was even scarier because this year I’m also posting it to my Facebook.  I was worried how people would view it and worried they would judge me for gaining.  This of course turned out to be silly thinking because the people that are going to comment or say anything are all incredibly supportive of me.  Posting it also helped me not to get too hung up on the gain.  I mean the reality is my journey is going to be a long journey.  I know there are going to be gains in weight because I have had them in the past but that shouldn’t negate the positive strides I have made in finding a healthier lifestyle.  It’s like my dad always says ‘it’s not the week to week that matters but the overall curve.  As long as it’s going down you are on the right track.’  (Who would have thought your parents might be right about some things!)

This year I will define no fear and weight loss to mean that I am accepting of whatever numbers I get on the scale.  I will do everything I can to make sure they are going down but I won’t let small gains set me back.  A gain on the scale does not mean my journey is broken or off track.  It is just a small speed bump – it slows me down but doesn’t stop me from going forward.  When I get to the end of the year and am looking back on 2014 sure I want to see my weight lower than it was at the start but I also want to see so much more.  I want to see that I have made more good choices than bad.  I want to know that I have found a way to become more regularly active.  I want to know that I am healthier than I was on January 1.  More than all of those thoughts though I want to get to the end of the year and be able to look back on my journey and be excited about all that I have accomplished.

Eek - Time to Find My Inner Cool so I can Impress...

...or at least not make a fool of myself

 

There are only a handful of things in my life that I am completely sure of and one of those things is that I want to be an author.  (Ugh is it just me or does that sound very Twilighty…LOL) Writing has always been something that feels very natural to me.  There is nothing I love more than opening a new notebook and putting a pen to paper or letting my fingers fly over the keyboard as I fill a blank page with type.  It calms me and focuses me.  While writing it is one of the times that I can make my brain be quiet (I know that sounds backwards but it’s the only way I can explain it) and not worry about anything.  If I’m having a bad day there is nothing that can make it right faster than sitting down to create something with words whether it is a blog or journal entry, a piece of fiction or even a poem.  The simple fact is I love words and all the promise/hope they bring.  I share this so you can understand the significance of what I’m about to write about.  It has me so excited my brain is doing laps around itself screaming excitedly.

Over the last two years I have been letting my hidden geek out and going to meet some of my all-time favourite stars at the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo.  I consider myself very lucky to have been able to meet some of my long time crushes.  Well once again this year I have bought my ticket and I’m ready to geek out for a weekend.  I expected that by the time April rolled around I would be bouncing off the wall for some cute actor but what I wasn’t expecting is that as of right now it’s not a famous actor that I’m excited for but it is one of my favourite author’s from my childhood.  Calgary Expo announced that R. L. Stine is coming.  (Even writing this sentence makes me want to jump for joy and run around screaming – I so have no hope of ever being cool.)

 

There are a handful of authors from my childhood that stand out because they told stories in ways that caught my imagination.  People like C.S. Lewis, Lucy Maud Montgomery, E.B White, Gordon Korman and of course R.L. Stine are just a few of my favourites that helped me not only develop a love of reading but also helped to create a desire within me to want to write.  These are authors of books that I devoured over and over again (heck even now as an adult I still often re-read them).   It was through them that I began to see the power of language.  The ability to teach, entertain or even just transport someone to another place are all things that I loved (and still love) about words.  Reading author’s that I would consider masters of the world of words inspired me to want to do the same.  I knew that I had stories I want to share and tell and they offered me a glimpse of how I could do it.

 

I began to carry around a notebook with me all the time even way back in elementary school.  I would fill them with random poems or short little excerpts of writing.  I still have all my old writing and let me tell you it is all pretty silly and bad but it was a start.  As I started to get a little older I began to want to get better so I began to take ideas from television or other novels and see what I could come up with.  My very first short stories of any length were actually stolen ideas and images from R.L Stine’s Fear Street books.  I began to create creepy tales that allowed me to do things that I couldn’t do in real life.  I will admit there were probably a few characters that saw the darker side of my pen because of the stuff I put up with in school but at least it gave me a safe and sane outlet right? ;-) 

 

Needless to say when I saw the guest announcement on Thursday I was over the moon with excitement.  I could hardly focus at work and instantly I was trying to remember where I put the box of my old favourite books so I could dig out the old Fear Street books and re-read them again.  With the excitement though there is also a level of panic that is sneaking in.  I am about to meet one of the authors that I admire and that put me onto a path that will one day hopefully end up with me and a published novel (or 2 or 3).  What the heck do you say to someone like that?  I mean sure I have been nervous about meeting childhood crushes but this is so much more - without author’s like Stine who knows what I would be doing with my free time.  I feel the pressure to be witty and intelligent and actually be able to say something to him that will not make me seem like a foolish fan girl.  This is the sort of pressure that usually has me running for the hills to hide behind an email (because I can totally write something intelligent – I think anyway).  I guess the good news is that I have a few months to work on it.  With a little luck I will be able to put something into my brain that won’t just fly out right at the moment I saw hi to him.  I will try however to keep the panic at bay and just enjoy the excitement of knowing that I’m going to get to meet someone that unbeknownst to him, helped to shape my whole desire to be a fiction writer.