Christmas Challenges

I was sitting here tonight about ready to order a pizza and wings and decided it was probably a better idea to write instead, since it's 11:30 and I'm not really hungry I'm just sad.

Christmas has always been one of my favourite times of year, like I'm sure it is for most people. The funny thing with me and Christmas is that if something is going to go wrong it seems to happen now. I have dealt with the family fights and even the end of a close friendship all around Christmas but for the last 10 Christmas's I had back up. I knew no matter what was going on I could send an email off to Will and know he would calm me down, reassure me or just be a shoulder to cry on. This year that is missing. I have been really lucky so far because up until this weekend I was starting to feel really good. In fact after last weekend where I got to meet one of my favourite country singers, Paul Brandt, and that left me feeling the closest to normal that I have felt since August. This weekend though has been tough. I realized that although I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit that I'm not there. Normally I have everything done and ready but this year I can't seem to get things done. Monday we have our potluck at work which I always love but today I have been seriously considering calling in sick so I don't have to go and put on my happy face. Part of me wishes that I was also not going to my sister's for Christmas so I could just hide and let the day pass. This of course has led to me feeling guilty about wanting to avoid the holiday.

I hate that I feel this way but am not sure how to fight it. I can see now why Christmas can be a hard time of year for people and why you hear about so many sad people. You want to be happy and you don't want to bring anyone else down but if you aren't feeling that way it's hard to know where to turn. I have been trying to find ways to deal with my feelings so that I don't have a negative affect on anyone elses holiday. I have spent a lot of time writing in my journal. I also have been listening to music, especially a handful of songs that make me feel like someone understands. I have also started trying to pray. I don't necessarily believe in god but I do think there is something to be said for asking what you want out loud and for sending your love out into the world. In the end though I guess I just keep having to put one foot in front of the other with a little faith that things will get better and that I will be able to deal with this grief and move past it.

I know this blog has sort of lost its direction lately but in some ways that is kind of like my weight loss journey itself. I guess it just shows how although we may plan on one thing that sometimes life has other plans. But like my weight loss journey I will keep plugging away and I will get this blog on track along with my world. I will find a way to put all the pieces back together.

Anyway for all of you who still read my blog I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas, I may not be feeling it but I do hope each and everyone else is. Remember to take time to show your loved ones how much you care, do not take them for granted because you never know how much time you will really have with the people you love. "We only have today, forever isn't waiting" - Paul Brandt.